I'm a bad parent.
There are days when I get home from work and simply don't have the patience or mental capacity needed to keep up with Andrew and James. Enter parental guilt! I spend most days wishing I could be around them more and be involved in their lives. Yet when I am finally home I need to excuse myself so I don't blow a stack. Some days, this isn't possible and while I try to limit the volume of my voice it's a challenge when you have two young men who are competing for attention and quite often at their tired silly phase of the day.
I have now promised myself several times that I will figure out a different way to provide direction and guidance. That I will be above all else patient. That I will take time to collect myself. But doing so after being in go-go-go mode since 6 am is challenging if not seemingly impossible. Is this modern parenting? Being resigned to not being your best around your kids and at the same time understanding that they likely aren't at their best either.
Two days ago I decided to follow some advice I give James and Andrew. When I started to feel my energy level crash and my patience wane I left the room. I took a self-imposed "Time-out", played a little guitar and came back downstairs in a better mood. I'd love to do this every time and goodness knows I am going to try to find other strategies that work and allow me to be present. After all, if I am feeling pressed and stretched I know my partner is too and so withdrawing nightly just as things ramp up is likely not the best thing.
We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect. I imagine that pressure bleeds down to the next generation and though they don't necessarily know how to describe it in words, there must be some transfer and impact. I can recall points in my own childhood where the worst possible outcome was disappointing my parents and not living up to expectations. So how do we reset? How do we encourage dialogue when we are so exhausted, stressed or tugged by multiple priorities (some professional but many personal) that every minute seems like it is scheduled or task defined? How do we be in a world that seems defined by what we do?
I care about my boys a lot. I love them with all my soul and would do anything to support them as they grow. Some days I do a lousy job of showing them that. Some days I am a bad parent!
IC
For Andrew and James: when the time comes and you read this or someone reads it to you please know that patience, understanding and empathy are all developing skills. Dad is a work in progress as I know you are too.
Love Dad
PS - thanks for being you in all that you do including wearing a tie with sweatpants!
Ian
