Life Lesson For My Little Men #9

So yesterday was a tough day for me.  The type of day that comes around once every now and again that you never want to experience but remain challenged to figure out how you prevent it from happening again.  This weekend was the beginning of our families' holiday fun.  Lots of visiting, eating and good times.  Now don't get me wrong, the Christmas season is incredible and enjoy all that it has to bring, including the easy excuse to get together with those you don't see all that often, however, on days like yesterday it reminds me that I, personally, may need to find a way to spread it out a bit more.  On the exterior, for many this is surprising, as I don't believe that I come across as shy and introverted, but in actuality it has always been my nature. 

Anxiety in social situations is something that I have battled with my entire life and something that has led me to my favourite hobbies (guitar playing, drawing, and playing sports.)  Team sports has often given me an opportunity to shine and been a platform for me to work on my issues in communication and confidence.  So last night, after too much incredible food, I found myself struggling to find a way to pull myself out of a dark place, a place I don't often go but a place that is familiar enough for me to know where I am when I get there.  At the time, nothing seemed to help, I was feeling tired, frustrated, sad and ashamed...how does one begin to deal with these emotions all at once.  I laid down beside my two boys for a nap(that's right, I ignored the books and experts and took them to bed for a nap, and guess what, we all made out ok), but they weren't really interested so we read.  After a while, my wife (returning from walking the dog) took the boys downstairs and gave me sometime to rest.  After several restless moments and arriving at the realization that what I was doing wasn't helping my current state I plodded downstairs to determine whether or not we would make the trek to play some volleyball.  We decided that we would go play and that hopefully a little fun and exercise may help.  It did, I felt great and playing really helped me lighten up, until I got back home.  Again, as I struggled through the night I couldn't shake the dark and confusing cloud that hovered over my head. 

6 am came way too soon.  I trudged downstairs to make breakfast, take the dog out, and eventually leave for work...Sometime during this two hour process I looked down at my boys who were lying on the couch while I sat comatose in front of the sports highlights and it happened.  A smile!!! not just one but two little almost perfect smiles.  Now please remember that at this point, our sons are about 15 weeks old, but only 7 weeks past their due date so smiles are happening but not all the time and usually related to gas and not anything that I am doing, so a moment with simultaneous smiling still has some sort of novelty.  But this time it was different and the reason why is because it really helped me shed the weight I had been carrying. 

So from this moment comes a new life lesson, taught to me by my two favourite boys.  Never forget the power of your smile.  Its impact should never be underestimated because your smile not only helps to bring you energy, makes you feel lighter and gives you the strength to take on all challenges but it has an amazing ability to do that to anyone you meet.  You, my boys, taught me this lesson, because sometimes, we grown up folk forget this and need a little reminder about why we are here.  So today, I am smiling thanks to you two, and I hope that my smile has the same effect on someone I meet.  Thank you :) Love Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #8

So I have decided to quit the reminiscing and move onto the present as living in the past means you often miss what's going on around you today.  Strangely enough, my cue to do this was in looking through some pictures while preparing for Christmas.  I came upstairs last night to find my wonderful wife tearing up in front of the computer screen as she previewed pictures to be used for Christmas presents.  On the screen was a picture of both of our boys in the first five minutes of their lives and it brought back a flood of emotions.  So there we sat, glued to the screen as pictures whizzed by and we drifted in and out of the present.  As we progressed through each stage of their lives a new set of feelings would bubble up, then we'd look at each other, look down at our sons and marvel at how far they have come. 

It has been an interesting road thus far, it has been about two months since we all finally came home from the hospital.  A day I will forever remember because it is an instantaneous wake up call.  We arrived home, tired but excited and for the first time alone with our babies.  Over the next 12 to 24 hours we went through what felt like hell on earth and by we I mean the four of us.  The boys were crying constantly, we were struggling to keep it together and I was doubting whether or not I was prepared for all of the sacrifices I would make and challenges I would come up against for the rest of my life.  The permanence of fatherhood was finally setting in and I will say that I felt a little confused by the whirlwind my mind was going through.  We reached out for help, our parents were great and for the first week or so we got a ton of help.  But quickly we grew weary and needed our own space and so we decided to head out on our own...which has worked really well.  Now we are the proud parents of two baby boys who are just starting to smile, really enjoying bath time and hopefully will begin to settle into a routine.  So oddly enough a quick glimpse at pictures has led me to change up this blog and begin writing about the not so distant past and what's in store for us all as we move forward. 

The life lesson I would like you to take my excitable little guys is that life happens so fast and we often spend our days thinking about everything but what is here and now, focusing on the past or the distant future and if we don't stop ourselves every now and then, to look at where we are and what we have, well then we are bound to let those moments slip right by us while only catching a glimpse of what they are and never truly experiencing what they could be.  It maybe a sad state of affairs that we have to remind ourselves to take time for each other and to live in the moment but unfortunately that is the reality that many of us face.  This makes it incredibly important that you enjoy those moments to the fullest as each day that passes is gone.  Keep your view on life open and broad so that you can see as much as possible.  There is a time when focus is needed to truly enjoy the beauty of what it is that we all have, but there is also a time when focusing on the wrong thing will mean that something on the periphery is blurred and hazy when it could be so much more.  How do you know when to focus and when to open up?  Like many things I will tell you, it is a matter of what your heart tells you is important...your job is not to confuse what your heart says with what all those other outside voices are telling you.  Live in the now, see the world for all that it is and could be.  Love, Dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #7

Living with our twin boys at the hospital for the first six weeks of their lives is an experience that I will never forgot and that I am sure has had and will continue to have a profound impact on my life.  First of all, as I have mentioned before, the tireless work of the folks in the NICU is beyond compare and not something that I could ever express enough gratitude for.  Secondly, it truly opened my eyes to how fast we can settle into a routine and yet when something comes along to throw a wrench in it, how crushing that can be.  Over the course of the six weeks, our boys experienced ups and downs, they made leaps forward and took steps back and it was challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  What complicated this was the great steps they took forward in the first few days.  Regardless of what you think you know as a parent in these situations, you can't help but be excited to see them doing so well so quickly and then with the first setback reality quickly crashes down around you and you realize this is a marathon and not a sprint and that they won't be home in a matter of days, but possibly weeks or months.  The scariest of these setbacks with our boys related to their breathing.  Lungs are the last thing to really develop and because they were born at just under 32 weeks, they struggled to breath on their own from the very beginning.  No words can really express the heartbreak that you feel upon returning to the hospital to see your child hooked back up to a C.P.A.P. machine because of a bad spell the night before.

 One of the most challenging experiences came at the end of our stay at Sunnybrook.  As I mentioned before it is amazing how fast you settle into a routine and we had established something that worked for us.  Then one day you arrive at the hospital and are told that today is the day...not that you will get to take them home but that they are being transferred to a level 2 NICU and you immediately spiral into shock and are wretched by disappointment.  Again the rollercoaster ride took over and you feel glad and appreciative that your babies are doing well enough to be transferred but dismayed that your routine has been disrupted.  All kinds of questions surface:  What do we do to get there?(we are a one car family so that had its challenges)  What kind of facility is this?  When can visitors come?  Do we need to return the breast pump?  What are the Doctors like?  Where can we get something to eat? Where is the NICU? and many more...and truthfully, the staff at Sunnybrook could help with some but not many of these questions.  This process happened very quickly for us.  We knew that both our boys were getting stronger and were warned that we could be transferred soon, but never dreamed it would happen in less than 24 hours.  Later that evening, we packed up our stuff...The boys were packed into an ambulance and off they went to Newmarket.  At this point, we are feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us.  The blessing of staying at Sunnybrook had now turned into a bit of a curse as my describes it, you feel like you are going from a Bentley to a 1991 Honda Accord.  Reflecting on it now, we wouldn't be so harsh. 

Our stay at the NICU in Newmarket was only two weeks but we got to know the nursing staff well and soon overlooked the difference in the physical facility as our boys continued to grow stronger.  We now shared a ward room with several other parents and so at times it was nice to see others who were going through our same struggles.  As things built to our final day in the hospital, we settled into a new routine and life carried on.  So, to my now strong little men who are keeping us up at night the lesson learned from our experience is this:  routine is nice, however, if you are so set in a routine that you are afraid to try new things you will lose out on some of life's greatest experiences.  There is something safe about knowing where you are going, what you are doing and how you are going to get there, but with each new day we have an opportunity to try something different, meet somebody new and open ourselves up to the possibility that the world around us is full of wonderful things if we open our eyes.  Always take time to evaluate a new situation or circumstance, as the old saying goes "you can't judge a book by its cover."  Only by truly allowing yourself to be open to new possibilities will you get to see the true value in your life.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #6

So it has taken me a while to write about the first 72 hours of my boys lives.  For a while I have struggled to recall details with little to no success.  Truthfully, I was completely overwhelmed with the entire experience and so details kind of went out the window.  Upon reflection, what I remember is the amazing caring people that we met during our stay at the hospital.  Like many professionals who spend their lives doing what appears to be the impossible, I am sure that they have done all of the things that were done for us countless times and so they have perfected it, however, to me, the response of the health care system and the people at Sunnybrook hospital was everything needed and more.  There we were, 7 weeks before we anticipated being at the hospital, wide eyed and completely in shock.  

In moments when you are overwhelmed it is often next to impossible to think clearly about what is going on around you.  You feel that you need answers but you have no idea what the questions even are.  The nurses, social workers, doctors, respiratory therapists, and others were wonderful in helping us through the first few days, giving us those answers, reassuring us that what we were feeling was normal, and helping to prepare us for the long journey ahead.  I know there are many ups and downs within our health care system here in Canada, but when it works like the NICU at Sunnybrook, you are truly left breathless by daily miracles that are performed.  During that first long weekend we felt ourselves trying desperately to find a routine, something that we could hang our hat on as being normal, good and steady.  While doing so was challenging it was not entirely impossible and the help of our family, friends and colleagues left us with hope that we could get through this.  

As that weekend passed, some things became easier to grasp.  They were getting great care, that was obvious.  We were finding time to eat and sleep and shower and such...mmm...normalcy...What was still very challenging though was leaving each night.  This is something that would slowly subside as we began to embrace our new found routine.  It would get harder again later as our boys began to grow and respond to us.  My thoughts on this are that for the first few days you hate to leave because you are so scared about what is to come and nearing the end you don't want to leave because it is clear things are getting better and you don't want to miss a thing.  It's a strange place to be that's for sure.  Getting back to some of my initial feelings, I think it is important that I express what I struggled with early on so that if anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation you can think back and find solace in the fact that you are not alone.  The hardest part for me and what ultimately drove me to tears was not being able to do anything.  

As a dad-to-be, you build yourself up as the ultimate protector of your family, a problem solver extraordinaire and willing to jump in front of anything to save the people you care about from pain or sorrow.  The reality of this situation is that you quickly realize that you are and cannot be any of those things.  It is painful to watch your little boys struggle for breath and only be able to hope that they catch on.  It is painful to see yet another IV stuck in their arm or to hear the scream as they search for a vein.  It is painful to watch things get better only to see them stumble and not have a hand in helping them back up.  And it is painful to sit, day after day, holding your wife's hand, reassuring each other it's going to be okay but knowing that you have no hand in that apart from waiting, hoping and loving.  Believe me, there were many long tear filled walks back to the car at night and many moments of going to get a coffee simply to escape.  

So a life lesson for my now at home little men who are almost double their size from 2 months ago is simply this:  there will be times when you will feel helpless, like you can't live up to your expectations or that you can't save a person that you love from the pain they are experiencing.  It is important at these times to be supportive, to do what you can and to patiently wait for better times, hope that they come quickly, and love that person/persons with all that you can.  You will hear the word miracle tossed around a lot in your life for things that are far from it (particularly around the sports world).  Try not to let this use of the word depreciate its value in your heart.  I know that from the day you were born that you were to be my little miracles and I can say looking back on those first few difficult days that a miracle is what I hoped for...and a miracle is what I received...for this your mother and I feel truly blessed.

Love Always, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #5

So my last post was a bit of a cliff hanger, but I didn't know how to put that entire experience into one post and so I thank you for you patience.  On September 2nd, 2011 my wife went into labour at 31 weeks gestation.  We were transferred to Sunnybrook hospital and into a brand new birthing unit which was a blessing in disguise.  When I arrived at the hospital, shortly after my wife (ok, I am not sure how shortly after it was, I had done the fatherly thing and picked up the camera and some food for the evening) I walked into the preparations for an epidural.  We had talked about the possibility of this happening and as I have mentioned before, in all matters related to my wife's body I defer to her judgment.  I was introduced to our nurse for the evening and helped provide comfort through the process.  

Not long after (again, I caution those of you who have not experienced this that time is relative) we were waiting on a ultrasound to determine where are two little babies were.  When the resident arrived she completed the ultrasound and checked how far along my wife was and low and behold, she was at 10 cm and ready to go.  The whirlwind of activity that ensued was beyond any level of organization I have ever witnessed.  The next thing I knew I was in an operating room surrounded by 10 very well trained medical people holding onto my camera, my wife's purse and some other bag, that I am not even sure was ours...but let's be honest, I was lucky that I still had all my clothes on given how fast thing were moving.  During the rest of the actual birth I did my job.  As is the case in crisis situations I have dealt with in the past, I relied on my training (thank god for "realities of childbirth"...even if we would miss the last two classes).  Holding my wife's back as she pushed and struggled to deliver our two little bundles was an amazing experience.  It is quite possible that I wasn't being overly helpful, and surrounded by all of those doctors and nurses, I am quite confident that my role was relatively small, but at that time, I felt like I was so connected to what was going on.  All of the worries drifted away and all that mattered was that moment.  

No matter how much preparation goes into the anticipation of hearing the first little cry, you will never be ready for the flood of emotions.  Hearing that tiny little voice followed by the pronouncement "It's a boy!" made me feel more like a dad than all the months leading up to that point.  We saw our first son for all of ten seconds before he was whisked away to a prep room for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  We were able to see them on a cctv flat screen above our heads.  Things were going well, he was small but breathing and our focus returned to pushing out the second little one.  Again, time seemed to fly by and shortly after that the second little chirp and another announcement from the doctor "It's another boy!".  Again, the quick show and tell and off he went to the back room.  I stayed with my wife for a few moments and once I was given the all clear went to see my two boys as they were getting cleaned up for transfer to their new home. 

Both were small 2.5 and just under 3lbs.  Both were placed on CPAP, to control and support their breathing, and both were being carefully supported by a team of nurses. Pictures were taken, little hands were held, fingers and toes were counted...and then the happy mother was able to come and visit.  The look of pride in her eyes brought tears to mine.  We had done it...well she had done it.  They had made it...or had they...What I am getting at here is the weird emotional roller-coaster of that day.  Yes, there was a sense of relief...they were here and reasonably healthy...but at the same time we were worried.  Worried about what was to come for them, for us and for our families.  Similarly, I have never felt more unsure of the future and yet I was surprisingly okay with that.  They were well taken care of and all we could do was wait...which would be the story of the next 6 weeks...but that's another post.  We left to rest, the next time we would see our boys they would be downstairs in their little rooms hooked up to tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment.  The following three hours was spent with follow ups from doctors and nurses all of who did their best to set our minds at ease.  

So my little men who are now at home safe and sound, I hope that when you read this you learn two things.  Firstly, and perhaps selfishly I hope you realize what a miracle you are and how much we love you.  I also hope you see how sometimes life seems to take you on a detour, and more often then not it seems to do so when you are traveling a hundred miles an hour.  During these times you will experience a range of emotions, which many times will be conflicting.  You will have a choice of tuning them out, numbing your senses and getting by.  Or you can open yourself up to your emotions, let them take over your being and experience life to its fullest.  I do not pretend to be solely in favour of the latter, at many times I have chosen to close myself off, to push down emotions and to focus on getting things done.  However, I would suggest that the more you dare yourself to feel and truly let life impact you, the more connected you will be to yourself and those around you.  So, while there will be times for either approach, but what is important is that you don't solely subscribe to one...even when it is difficult challenge yourself to live and feel every day.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #4

So here I sit thinking back to the last few months and trying to remember what happened.  Truthfully, time sped by and things happened at a pace that I had not experienced before in my life.  When you have two little ones on the way, the planning and decisions tended to be a blur and you arrive at a place where you are comfortable without really knowing how you got there.  Toward the end of the summer, this is where we found ourselves.  My wife went back to work (she's a teacher), and things started to speed up for me with both work a school coming together...deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.  

So we found ourselves in the last week of August with a shower planned for the 2nd week of September, a nursery that was painted (as of the week before) filled with half assembled furniture and little time for the next few weeks to really do much work.  This was going to be alright because we would get through the first few weeks of busy times and as things started to round into form toward the middle of the month we would pick up where we left off, buy a few more things for the babies (like one of those mobile things for the crib), hang some art or maybe some curtains, and be truly prepared long before they were scheduled to arrive.  The last Thursday in August (two days before Labour Day Weekend here in Canada, trust me the irony is not lost on me) we went in for an ultrasound.  During our appointment the tech. went and found the doctor which had happened before and was pretty standard although this time it didn't feel standard.  After a lengthy conversation, we found out that something wasn't quite right and that my wife would have to come into the hospital the following day for another ultrasound and possibly kept for the weekend so that there would be access to the equipment during the holiday.  The issue, while I am not sure of medical terminology, is that it appeared that the two rooms our little ones had inhabited had joined together and that our babies had not grown in size in four weeks.  If this issue would reverse itself then there would be no problem, if it didn't then we would have to consider inducing labour early...at the time, no biggy, we'll get through it.  

The following day, I am at work on the busiest day of the year.  Things are going well and I plan on coming up to the hospital with a bag full of goodies to get my wife through the weekend.  As I am packing things up I get a call and for the second time in our pregnancy I answer a phone to tears..."Get Here As Soon As You Can" the voice says and quickly hangs up...I grab what I can and head to the hospital.  I don't know how I got there, how long it took or even if I touched the ground from the parking lot up the stairs and into the Birthing Unit, all that I remember was a feeling of dread.  Once I found my wife I discovered that her water had broken on our dog walk that morning (who knew) and that she had actually been in labour since noon.  The hospital was frantically looking for a more advanced unit to transfer us to because they were not prepared for 31 week twins.  Tense moments passed and we received the OK to be transferred to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto, my wife by Ambulance and I in our car after stopping to pick up a few more things for overnight.  Again, a blur of a car ride home and then downtown, quick phone calls to parents and siblings to ask for help with the dog and cat and to keep us all in their thoughts as things progressed.  

Looking back on this part of our experience, it is very hard to express all of the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the day.  It is equally challenging to put in perspective so that others can truly understand.  What I do remember was feeling strangely at ease, despite all of the tension and running around.  That those around me (meaning my family, colleagues and friends) were far more worried than I was or we were...perhaps it's because we had inside information or perhaps it was because we had each other...I do know that once I arrived at Sunnybrook and even before that, while we were together seeing my wife gave me a sense that everything was going to be alright.  

So my "almost home" little men, the lesson I have learned from this is to believe in yourself and those you love when in high pressure situations.  You will experience things that you are not prepared for throughout your life and you will have people who help you find your calm self and others who you will need to help find their calm selves.  You have an incredible power to overcome, resiliency in times of crisis is something that is in your DNA, remember to breathe and take stock and believe.  Sometimes, you will need to be the rock...relish these moments to be at your best and you will do great things.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #3

So, there are a couple of things that you have to undertake as expecting father in preparation for the arrival of your baby(ies).  Some of these are quite obvious, set up the nursery, begin purchasing all of the paraphernalia needed by your new born from now until age 25, start the discussion about names (if you haven't already figured that out) and begin educating yourself.  Let's face facts, your wife will have expectations about how you will engage in your expectancy based on her own level of commitment.  If your wife begins buying all kinds of books and sending you daily emails from sites dedicated to preparing you for all of the ups and downs along the way, then be fully prepared to read this material, comment on it during your daily conversations and have an opinion about the various decisions that are upcoming (remember from my earlier post that it is important to remember to be flexible on these opinions). 

In my case, and not just because she can read this, my wife and I kept a pretty balanced outlook through out.  We had books, which we read with varying degrees of commitment.  We attended prenatal classes (ours was entitled "The Realities of Childbirth" a foreboding moniker that I am still unclear of its actual purpose, because at this point it's a little late to try and scare us out of it...we're kind of in it...).  We sought advice from the usual sources, those with babies, our own mom's, medical professionals when needed.  My biggest word of advice on all of this info is to take it one step at a time and take it with a grain of salt.  Your pregnancy is just that, your pregnancy.  In the same way, your children will be your children and it is important for you to find your own way through it.  There will be advice and information that is pretty much mandatory mostly for your partner (stop smoking, stay active, eat well, avoid caffeine) be ready to support her through these tough changes.  There will be other advice that is on the "we'll do our best, but it's not really vital" portion of the scale.  And there will be the stuff that you simply ignore because it will not work for you.  In our case there was a smattering of all of this stuff.  

One area where this was the case was prenatal class...aka, the horrific truth of a overly medical birthing experience.  Now I am sure that in many ways this class was useful and was meant to balance out the advice traditionally given by your medical doctor, but in my opinion it simply stretched a little far at times.  I appreciated knowing that the birth experience wouldn't be like some horrible scene from alien where through an incredible amount of screaming and violent thrashing this tiny parasitic being would emerge from my wife in a sea of blood and guts...however, it was challenging at times to hear suggestions that your doctor will want you to have an epidural or c-section because it makes their lives easier.  As I said, grain of salt.  

You and your partner will have to make some pretty challenging decisions and all of this information can muddy the water and make seeing what is truly important to you challenging.  You will be told, have them sleep in your room from one source and ensure that they sleep in their own room from another.  In many ways being a parent will be the most criticized job you will ever have, and it feels like it starts from day one.  Only you will know what will work for you and how you should proceed and surprisingly, much of that is incredible natural and sort of comes to you...if it doesn't don't worry, for most you will have time.  In our case we really didn't have a whole lot because of our little mens' decision to jump ship early.  

So my tiny but growing little men, when faced with overwhelming information and opinions remember to breathe and do what comes naturally.  Billions of years of evolution have not necessarily removed the most basic of instincts.  Others' personal experiences and advice have not trumped the natural urges and tendencies that you will experience.  In many ways, our experience when we were expecting you brought us closer to each other and nature as it began to just make sense.  

Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #2

So the first thing people ask when they find out your pregnant is usually do you know what you are having.  This question is often the first place your mind goes after the initial shock, surprise and joy wears off.  At this point in time the practical begins to set in and you begin to think about things like decorating and names.  For some, I imagine that this debate (to find out or not to find out) may take some time to come to a resolution and may even lead to some hard feelings among couples.  In our case, there really was no debate.  I set out in the beginning (before I knew there were two coming) pretty much set on keeping things a surprise to the end, however, whether it was  a simple realization or a moment of weakness, I found myself deferring to my wife.  I think the realization was that although we would be partners in parenthood and share in our caring and loving of our soon to be babies, when it came to the pregnancy, I was not really the one doing the heavy lifting (unless you count boxes, furniture, luggage, etc.). So after careful consideration and a few teeter-totter moments the decision was made to wait and keep our future babies' genders a surprise.

Over the next few weeks of congratulations and fanfare the question continued to come up.  More often than not people were understanding of our decision although at the same time we were often reminded of how difficult we were making things in terms of planning.  In many cases, this was unintentional, "Good for you," people would say, "with twins I couldn't do that."  Others were more overt stating that we were crazy for not finding out.  At times, we would doubt our decision on these practical terms...we would have to think about 4 different names, we would have to visualize three very different futures and we couldn't really shop ahead because you would be surprised about how little gender neutral baby gear/attire is out there (I kept pushing for grey and beige onesies, but there is only so much bland one can accept).  However, in our eyes these were minor inconveniences that didn't compare to the excitement and surprise to come on the day of their birth.  Plus it would make for a good guessing game for relatives and friends over the next few months.  Now I am not trying to say that waiting to learn the gender of your baby(ies) is the only way to go, it was just our way and I am glad we stuck to it despite the occasional suggestion that we were making things more difficult.  The surprise when our two sons arrived was a defining moment in our lives.

So, my two little men, the important thing to remember is that there will be moments when you have to make decisions that may make your life more difficult in order to achieve your goals or maintain your values.  At the same time you will meet people who will tell you that you are crazy for taking the road less traveled.  When faced with these moments remember to stay true to yourself and be confident in your decision.  There will also be times when a family member or friend will be making a similar decision and will seemingly be making a bad choice.  During these times you will need to be supportive, empathetic and compassionate because as much as you may feel you can offer advice, you can never truly walk in somebody else's shoes.  In short, stay true to yourself in everything you do and respectfully allow others the freedom to do the same without judgment.

Life Lesson For My Little Men #1

When we first found out we were pregnant, and I say we because I am sharing my experience although I know that my wife did most of the work on that front, we experienced all emotions imaginable.  First of all, we were surprised.  We hadn't been trying to get pregnant but more so, we hadn't been trying not to get pregnant for a month or two and so when it happened so quickly, I think surprise was the most natural feeling.  Next came an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement.  Things were about to change a great deal in our lives and the thought of caring for a new little one and watching them grow up brought tears to both of our eyes.  The third emotion, which again I think is totally natural, was worry and doubt.  Doubt in our abilities.  Doubt in our preparation.  Doubt in the finances (let's be honest, that was my department...as I am sure it is with many dads-to-be).  And thus, the roller coaster started...pretty much from the time the little stick indicated we were expecting.  Over the next few weeks, the levels of doubt subsided and joy and anticipation took over.  We picked up books, read websites and began preparing.  We went to our first ultrasound and got our first glimpse at the little kidney bean shaped beginnings of our child to be.  Then came the first appointment with the OBGYN.  I was at work when I received a frantic call from my wife and immediately thought the worst.  As I walked quickly from my office to ensure cell phone reception my office is in a windowless bunker) and to get a bit of privacy I anticipated the worst.  Through tears on the other end of the line she said, "It's not what your thinking, it's good news, I think."  At this point, I am clueless and waited for what felt like ages before a further explanation arrived.  "We are expecting twins."  For the next few minutes we reassured each other that this news was great, that it didn't really change anything and we were truly excited.  Over the next few days, doubt began to resurface as a secondary emotion.  At times, our strength and resolve would fade and we would need reassurance that things were going to be okay.  I am not entirely sure what truly helped us through the tougher times, beyond the obvious joy of being parents-to-be.  I would like to say it was my undeniable strength of character, however, I know that isn't true...and let's be honest, there are very few people in this world who can be rock solid all of the time (perhaps maybe Hugh Jackman, he seems like he is chiseled out of stone).  In the end, I feel that maybe it had more to do with the strength of our relationship with each other, family and friends that helped through the darker times.  Whenever one of us was struggling their was always somebody to help focus on the positive, the joy and the love in our lives past, present and future.  In the end, we both knew in our hearts that this was something that we were not only ready for, but that would be the greatest experience of our lives.  So, to couch this all in a life lesson for my little men I would say this.  Are there cloudy days??? Of course, but in the end without clouds would we appreciate the sun or a cold bevy on a hot day (if you're anything like your dad...this statement will make a lot of sense in about 18 years...and it better be 18 years;) ). Remember during those cloudy or difficult times that you don't have to go it alone. That there will always be others who can help you through tough times and to see the light in any situation. Your mother and I will be two of those people, but there will also be many others, please don't hesitate to seek out help. 

Keep smilin'

IC

Welcome to my blog

I partially regret not starting this blog several months ago when my journey as a father of twins began, but at the time, it didn't seem necessary.  For those reading this blog, I also apologize for this initial post as it is my first attempt at this, and being a person who hasn't normally relied on journaling to decompress and reflect, it may be quite amateurish.  The reason I have decided to start writing is two fold, firstly, I am hoping it provides some opportunity for self-reflection in what has been and will continue to be the greatest experience of my life.  Secondly, I am also hopeful that it can serve to help others who find themselves in a similar situation, let me explain this further.  My wife and I have often been fortunate or unfortunate, depending on your view point, in that we often experience major life events in significant chunks.  For example, the summer we were married, I had just accepted a new position which meant both a career move and physical move to a new city, followed closely by the death of a grandparent and my wife starting her first teaching job.  For this life altering moment, I had again just started a new job, we had just bought our first home and within a few weeks of signing on the dotted line we found out that we were pregnant...with twins.  My hope over the next few posts is to catch up on the first few months of our pregnancy, discuss the emotions, the ups and downs, the joy and trepidation, the areas where "the books" were helpful and some of the places where we felt under informed. Again, if you find yourself in a similar place in life, I hope you find this useful, relate able or at least entertaining.  In my experience, life has a crazy way of working out, or at least I have been privileged enough to have that outcome in my journey thus far.  Currently, we are the proud parents of two boys, who will spend the next 6 weeks (or so) in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) after arriving ahead of schedule.  Stay tuned for more.

IC