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Friday, November 23, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #29

So it's been a very long time since I last wrote, but that's because things have gotten incredibly busy.  In the past few weeks, I started a new gig at a new university and am now living and experiencing the joys of the commuter lifestyle.  The joy of suburban living, but that's a discussion for an upcoming post.  A few weeks ago, we took James and Andrew on their first cross border adventure...that and their first major trip in the car and over night hotel stay.  We had it all planned out, up at 6, out the door without waking them, breakfast on the road, get to the border early, take a few breaks be at our destination by a little after lunch.  Great plans but they were quickly laid to rest.

First off, we slept in.  Nothing Rip Van Winkle like but nonetheless, we were starting out our adventure a little later than to be expected.  We cruised to the border while the boys dozed in their car seats and all was well as we answered the obligatory questions at customs and we were off.  The plan was to stop for a break midway between Buffalo and Erie, NY.  We were making pretty good time and so this didn't seem like an issue.  We pulled off the highway entered the rest station and enjoyed a short stroll around the various food vendors and magazine shops.  James and Andrew were doing remarkably well.  Back in the car and a short drive to Erie where we stopped for lunch and explored the mall in an effort to stretch our legs.  Stopping at a Mall with James and Andrew is an interesting proposition.  First off, they command a great deal of attention, bringing smiles to the faces of total strangers and anxious glances from their parents as they totter over to the displays and attempt to pull things off the shelves and put other things in their mouths.  Second, the time seemed to pass at an alarmingly pace.  I think this is because there is little one can do to control the direction that they travel.  Well, I guess that's not entirely true.  Andrew, still needing someone's hand to support him is pretty easy to keep in a straight line.  his brother, on the other hand, since discovering his ability to walk/run is obstinately opposed to holding hands and weaves back and forth across the hall until he finds something interesting (in this case every garbage can from the entrance to the food court and back again.  Nevertheless, we ate lunch, changed some bottoms and were back in the car about an hour and a half after arrival.  Off to Grove City, our final destination, for a little shopping and walking at the outlet mall.

Shopping was great, we picked up some things we needed and really just enjoyed the day as a family.  It had it's hectic moments for sure, I think that's a given when you have two energetic little men strolling through the the stores and sidewalks.  At our last stop for the day, things started to get a little bit out of hand.  Adrienne and I took turns looking at things, while the other entertained James and Andrew in a rare open piece of floor, but we knew it was time to go.  Off to the hotel, for dinner, a swim and a wonderful night of new drawers to open and new beds to bounce on.  The next day we traveled home.  We made sure we anticipated the road trip breaking points and stopped a few times along the way.  At our stop for lunch, we were just finishing up when a lady approached us from another booth.  She said hello and then explained that she wanted to come over and congratulate us on having such wonderfully behaved and beautiful sons.  Her reason for doing so was that when she was a new mother, anytime a stranger had approached her and told her this, it made all of the hectic moments melt away.  What a wonderful thing to pass on.  Looking back at the trip, I really am thankful to the many people who took time out of their day to say hello, ask questions or simply smile.  

So my little men are constantly coming up with new ways to make me laugh, I guess the lesson that I hope we can all learn from this adventure is that even in hectic times it is important to be open to the wondrous opportunities to be together as a family but also as people.  While this trip was only short, it served as a gentle reminder of how much fun life is when you take the time to let the little moments truly tug at your heart.    Often we look for the worst in those around us, maybe this is because as human beings we have been raised to admire perfection and to seek out competition.  It is important to remember that the warm moments and good things can come from those around you.  A simple smile or a quick word or question can ease the most tense of moments and we would all be a bit better off if instead of rolling our eyes or muttering under our breath we asked a question or let the corners of our mouth drift upward when we see someone who is in the midst of a challenging moment.  The other lesson that I learned is that you can do all the planning you want, but when travelling with two little men the best plan is to plan to be late and be prepared to roll with the waves and challenges.  

Love Dad

PS - while peas are nutritious, I am not sure that one lone pea in the bottom of my lunch bag will suffice.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #28

We have a walker!!!  It's been a few weeks in the making and I feel that I held off making any sort of claim before taking a couple of frantic steps and then sitting became a full on walk from one end of the dining room to the other.  Talk about incredible.  It's amazing to see just how much pride can flow from such a tiny little man, eyes beaming, huge smiles as he walks towards his dad/victim for a huge pile on.  The inevitable next question is, if James is walking what about Andrew?  For a short time, we thought that maybe he just didn't want to.  He can reach just about anything that he wants by using the walls, furniture and other assorted items to get where he needs to go.  He has a walker which he uses to torment the dog, cat and yes his younger brother while laughing maniacally (something we hope he loses by the time he can drive, coincidentally the walker has a horn).  However, given some of the more recent happenings including an accidental stand and few quick steps forward now have us thinking that Andrew isn't there yet because he isn't confident in his ability.  

Here's what we have noticed.  James, started standing on his own at the beginning of the summer.  He would stand up for a few seconds and then quickly sit down.  Andrew was happier on the ground and while he will now stand up on his own (if he has something to hold onto) he will only do so as long as he has support.  When James took his first few steps we fully expected that he would slowly progress to walking for longer periods of time...very quickly it was obvious that what was holding him back was not ability but confidence.  As soon as he realized he could do it, and also what walking enables him to do, he has progressed to it being his primary mode of getting from A to B (Block A has a picture of a frog on it and Block B an air plane?!?!).  Andrew is still taking his time figuring this out.  The other day, I lifted Andrew up by his hips and set his feet on the floor.  He stood there for a bit, I don't think he realized that I wasn't holding him up, then he staggered forward before sitting on his bum.  This few seconds of free standing glory cemented our theory (well kinda cemented...) that he is just lacking the belief he can do it.  It wasn't until he noticed that I had let go that he started to bend his knees into a sitting position.

So now what?  How do you build confidence in a 13 month old?  We are gradually weening him off the walker (more for the safety of all who happen to be sitting or standing in the general proximity of his intended path than for the walking).  We are sure to praise him each time he makes a step forward (pun intended).  And we are calling him and encouraging him to take on this challenge.  At the end of the day, all we can do, I suppose, is create an environment where he believes he can succeed and is safe enough that he won't hurt himself when he doesn't.  Interestingly enough, it seems that his slow acceptance of bi-pod transportation is more of an issue for his mom and dad than it is for him...It's not that we worry that he isn't keeping up from a self conscious parent perspective, but more so it is difficult to heap praise on James and see him smile while Andrew sits by his toys and looks a bit bewildered by the whole thing.  In the end, I am sure he will get there, so really, I guess, what does it matter.

So my little men I guess what I am taking from this moment in our story is this, never underestimate the importance in being confident when starting something new.  Often times, we encounter new things, sometimes by choice and sometimes not...and equally often, how we approach these new things is directly related to how much confidence we have in our abilities to succeed.  Clearly, we are taught this at a very young age.  I wouldn't say it is intentional but simply the natural inclination of a thinking and feeling being...that is to say that if the result of unsuccessfully trying something new is a lump on the head, of course the next time we try we will be a bit more cautious.  As you grow, the physical lumps become fewer and fewer but the emotional ones make up the difference and then some.  Try your best to find a balance of confidence and caution, don't be discouraged by failure (it is a better teacher than success), and remember that if you truly put your mind to something you will get there, eventually...when you are ready...

Love Dad

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Life Lesson For My Little Men #27

So as I sit here eating my lunch by myself in my office, I am reflecting on food and eating, what it means to me, my family and perhaps less so, what it means to the collective "US".  I find food interesting because it plays such a pivotal role in our lives...I guess it makes sense from a sustaining our physical selves stand point but where it gets interesting is the role it has in our emotional and social well being.  How often do we meet somebody over coffee and a bite?  When I go to conferences, the meet-and-greet portion always has food and drinks.  All of our major family occasions revolve around a large meal.  Clearly we are conditioned through evolution or social engineering to desire food as catalyst for social interaction at minimum a support.  

What intrigues me currently is that for James and Andrew, this is not the case.  Currently, they are in a place where food very much meets a physical need.  They get cranky when it isn't ready on time sometimes to the point of meltdown.  They eat when they are hungry rather than to survive an awkward moment socially or as an excuse to say hi.  They truly are in food as a means to survival and growth mode...but this maybe changing.  Since starting them on solid food (a while back), they have often turned up their noses at something that didn't taste "good".  This was often the case with new foods which after a night or two of peddling to them and in some cases trying to shove into their pried open jaws would finally be considered reasonable or at least edible.  More recently, both James and Andrew have been eying any food that Adrienne or I eat.  More specifically reaching for cheerios, crackers, ice cream, etc.  Over thanksgiving as we all munched on appetizers, there they were munching right along...going off for a walk and then coming back for more.  This past weekend we attended a family birthday party where James and Andrew discovered potato chips, bugles, cheesies and other such goodies...after eating a few of these items, they decided that spaghetti wasn't good enough for dinner and that they would hold out...leaving us with two very upset boys later in the evening.  Bellies were empty but they were refusing to eat the non-junk food...All this is to say that they are starting to notice that food plays a different role then simply filling your belly but that it also is something that we do to pass time, to provide distraction in social settings, to meet around and when it's available to graze on as we go about our business.  Maybe this isn't a momentous shift in their perception of sustenance, maybe I am reading into it too much...but it has made for some interesting things to ponder.

So my little men who are now wandering from chair to chair and wall to wall in an effort to transverse much of the house without sitting I guess that what might be important to take from this is how lucky we are that food, something that in parts of the world (including our own country) is far from plentiful is something that can have so many meanings for us.  Being able to pick and choose what you want to eat is a luxury that many of us take for granted.  Similarly being able to gather family and friends around a table of food is a richness that certainly not everyone can afford.  We are in a fortunate place, one that allows us to connect emotion to something physical but it is important to try not to allow it to quantify that emotion.  After all, we should be able to feel this way whether we are surrounding a pumpkin pie or an empty table.

Love, 

Dad.

PS - Eat your veggies!

PPS - The Newspaper is not a veggie!!!!

Monday, September 24, 2012

Life Lesson For My Little Men #26


So after a few months of struggling through the ever increasing needs of baby proofing (struggling being a poor choice of words, but the best that I can find to fit), I think we have finally come to a reasonable balance between safety and the need to live some semblance of a realistic existence.  As I noted in an earlier post, when James and Andrew began crawling life for Adrienne and I dramatically changed.  Nothing it seems was off limits and for our little ones, the word “No” usually results in a wry smile and giggle as we continue to do what it was that got Dad or Mom so riled up in the first place.  I have decided that it might be beneficial for folks to read a little about this journey as you find your way through the exploration phase. 

First off, anything made of paper is not only tearable but edible…good to know if you have a magazine rack or books that are within 3 and half feet from the ground.  Next, if it is new to them (i.e. They have not seen it in the past 24 hours), then it is brand new and needs to be touched or preferably put in their mouths.  Another nice twist on this dynamic with twins is that it maybe new to one of them and then five minutes later new to the other…creating a constantly rotating game of keep away and possible jealousy.  Another good thing to note is that as they become stronger and can stand, what was out of reach quickly becomes in reach or at least worth making the effort for.  This includes, items on the kitchen table and pets.  If you have a cat it will be a good idea to help your babies (y) understand how to be gentle and what parts (tail) are off limits.  We have also turned off the pilot light on our gas fireplace.  There are grates that you can buy to keep little hands away from the incredibly hot glass, but until we take that leap we thought it was best to leave nothing to chance.  Another good thing to know is that you will have to buy a few things, here’s a list of what we have found works:

1) Safety gates (we bought an even-flo gate from sears, and then Canadian Tire, when we discovered that a tension gate at the top of a short flight of stairs wasn’t quite up to the task). http://www.evenflo.com/product.aspx?id=230

2)   Outlet covers (initially we bought the traditional stick in to the socket covers, but these quickly became a source of entertainment for our lads so we went back to the drawing board and purchased a sliding cover that works on springs). http://www.kidco.com/products-page/electrical/s205/

3)   Cupboard door locks (in the kitchen we have a combination of Ikea basic drawer locks and the magnetic ones that unlock with a key.  Both require some drilling in your cabinets, which caused a bit of apprehension at first, but as long as you are comfortable with a drill and take your time, you’ll be fine). http://www.tot-lok.com/

4)   Our TV stand has two sliding glass drawers that required additional locking mechanisms
http://www.kidco.com/products-page/locks-latches/s410/
5)   Oven knob guards (we have a gas oven and the knobs are on the front, so even if they aren’t able to light it, they could turn it on.  So these are incredibly important).
As I mentioned above, this is an ever-evolving process.  Each day our boys become stronger and more independent meaning that we have to find new ways to keep dangerous objects out of their way.  However, the look of pride that crosses their face when they take a few steps or find something new is completely worth the effort needed to make our place safer.

So my little men who find new ways to make me smile with every minute of every day, I think an important thing to remember is this.  Often we try and do everything to keep those that we love safe from harm, and sometimes we do so at the expense of learning.  We have tried not to remove every obstacle in your way, as obstacles will be a part of your everyday.  Similarly, we often learn to avoid things that may push our limits of understanding or ability, just ask your mom about the two times I have been inline skating with her.  This is a challenging lesson to unlearn.  Life is about discovery.  Modern life has found ways for us to stay in a bubble, but it has also afforded us with great possibilities to learn new things.  It will be important for you to keep an open mind and truly explore the world around you beyond the borders of comfort, safety and ease…please try and take every opportunity to be brave and while the important caveat is that you find balance in doing so, I don’t say so with the thought towards extending limits but to ask you to think before you leap.

Keep exploring, discovering, smiling and laughing!!!!

Love,

Dad

PS – Thanks for your help with the laundry the other day.  Your mom and I truly appreciate the enthusiasm with which you help us unfold what is folded and empty the basket…you have a gift.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Life Lesson for my Little Men #25

The other day I had a moment.  A moment of doubt.  I am not sure what set it off but in that moment I felt as though I could see the future or at least a possible future (If Marty McFly has taught me anything it's that the future hasn't been written yet, that and I really want a Delorean).  This moment of doubt centred on my ability (or should I say our) ability to raise our boys to be confident yet respectful members of society.  Maybe what set me off was a walk through the mall during back to school time and seeing some children who have so much upset because they couldn't have a bit more or the latest one of "those".  Or maybe it was while we were out walking the dog and realized that some young people (and old for that matter) won't move over to share the sidewalk with you.  Maybe it was witnessing the sense of entitlement shown by so many members of our society (whether they be young or old or unfortunately elected officials).  Whatever it was, I had a moment of doubt...doubt that we would be able to overcome the peer influence that seems so prevalent and is often reinforced by media and advertising.  

This combined with James and Andrew's most recent discovery that the best toy is the one my brother has and that if I want something and it is taken away, I should scream and stick out a lower lip that could host big birds nest.  I know at just over a year, they aren't really at a point where they understand sharing, and I certainly wouldn't expect them to comprehend the relative privilege that they have inherited but I will admit, it was the first glimpse of a future battle to be fought.  The reason I choose the term battle is not because of the expected stubbornness of a pair who can trace their lineage back to Scotland and the Netherlands but because of all of the influences to be overcome.  In that moment it truly seemed daunting.  So what pulled me out of it.  Again, I am not entirely sure, so it must not have been one particularly thing.  What I know is that watching how quickly James and Andrew can pick up something new and with how much enthusiasm they learn, I feel that we can nudge, lead and show them the right direction.  As I watch them zip around our house, exploring and finding newness around every corner and under every pillow my feelings of doubt are overwhelmed by my realization of what is possible.

So my little men, who are getting into more and more everyday the lesson that I hope you will take (and that you have taught me) from this post is this: Remember that you are both incredibly special people, but that you are no more special than anyone else.   This means that each person you meet deserves to be treated as though they are as special as you are.  As somebody who works with young people and is in a profession that seeks to support their development, I often meet folks in various stages of their understanding of this fact.  The current mellenial generation has been maligned as having a sense of entitlement (which I would argue is interesting given the damage done to our planet by the previous generations in the pursuit of wealth and power), which is not inherited at birth but taught, in some cases by parents who believe that their child is special and above reproach.  My hope for you is that you feel confident that you are special, but that within that confidence you have a humility that will lead you to respect even those you have never met for who they are.  Finding a balance in this way is challenging given our natural urge to compete, but it is essential to finding happiness with who you are, what you have been given, and how you in turn will give back.

Love,

Dad

PS - I love the fact that each day when I come home from work you have decided to relocate much of the furniture, although you have a flair for the dramatic, I don't always think it is overly functional.
PPS - I don't so much love that you take my book mark out of my book each day (it's like a daily memory test, which I must admit I may not be passing)...but I'll survive

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Life Lessons for my Little Men #24

So it's been a while since my last post and in that time there have been some major developments.  The first is the appearance of top teeth, which while making for a much more complete smile has made the occasional feeding a little more painful (at least that's what I have been told).  The second is not only the ability to crawl but to do so with incredible speed and on occasion stealth.  On our last trip to Sunnybrook for follow up, the doctor and physio attempted to prepare us for the impending acceleration of our sons development.  I don't think that there was any question that we belived both of them, after all they had seen this more than we had, however, being our first children and never having experienced the seemingly exponential flurry with which a child begins crawling and almost simultaneously gets into everything while their bravery and curiosity pushes the limits of the sane, I will admit that we were definitely unprepared for what would transpire. Oh and wait, I forgot to mention that all this was multiplied by two.

Interestingly, when we tell people where James and Andrew are at developmentally, the first response is, "it must be so cute to watch them discover things together."  Well, I have news for you...quite often, they aren't together.  The pitter patter of little hands and knees on the floor is usually heading in opposite directions and if you can keep your eyes on one, then the other is usually loudly exploring something, or worse is quietly discovering something he shouldn't.  Nevertheless, the last few weeks have been truly inspiring as a parent.  Both James and Andrew know their names and will turn when you call them...they will continue to eat the remote or pull the CDs off the shelf with a big grin...but now, you know that they hear you.  They have also really started to develop their sense of humour and have started to interact and make each other laugh.  Perhaps the greatest comedic discovery since the knock-knock joke is the little spring that stops your door from slamming into the wall.  The "sproooiiingggg!!!!" of this device has gifted us all with countless hours of laughter.

Both our cat and dog are a little less than thrilled with this new adventure in infant mobility.  Quincy, our dog, spent the first few days on the second floor hiding from the constant tail and ear pulls and the inevitable pile-on that happens when two maniacal imps track you down.  Arthur, the cat, oddly has been a bit more tolerant, however, he too has discovered the sanctity of higher ground on the kitchen chairs (until James decided to surprise him by pulling himself up today).  All this is to say that our lives have hit a whirlwind pace.  For those of you with little ones, you are probably reading this and nodding...for those of you who haven't gotten this far yet...prepare yourself, it's tiring but it is truly amazing.

So my little men who are currently turning everything into a toy, except your toys, always remember that the only constant in our world is change.  Many people struggle with change, and in fact, I would argue that one of the most important factors in your success will be your ability to not only adapt to change but to embrace it.  When left with a choice between wishing things were the way they were or seeing the value in an ever evolving reality, I hope you can bright side of the situation.  It's not to say that looking back with a smile is a bad thing, but if you spend your days dwelling on how things were, you will miss what is or even worse what might be.  One of the nicest parts about being your dad is how my senses have been heightened and my appreciation for all things new has changed for the better.  It's true, life will never be the same...but that's kind of the point isn't it...So as I watch you grow and literally take your first steps into the world around you, I can't help but smile...sure there is a small tear because it already seems like you are becoming so independent so quickly...but that tear will have to drift over the biggest, cheekiest grin this world has seen as I look forward to what comes next.

Love,

Dad

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Life Lesson for my Little Men #23

I have written a great deal about some of the challenges and joys of being a new dad and I guess the theme of this post is more about the increasingly evident change in my identity as I continue to grow in that role.  First of all, let me couch this post by saying that despite outside appearances, I am not sure I ever really had "it" all together.  I have been quite successful in my life thus far, I have an incredible family, a job I love, I was fortunate to go to University (twice) and I have been able to do some of the things I love along the way.  So what has changed?  Well, the answer to this is none of the above but best relates to my own perceptions of my own value and ability as I have moved into dad-dom.


One of the things that happens as a Dad, or parent for that matter, is that what was once your time to pull yourself together, get organized and reflect and learn from your experiences disappears.  It is replaced by getting other things sort of organized while you run out the door (hopefully with both shoes) to an appointment, swimming lesson or visit...and I am pretty sure that this only increases once your children are walking, playing organized sports, taking piano/guitar lessons, etc.  The time you spent reflecting and learning you now spend teaching and learning how to teach...all in all, it feels a bit like somebody found whatever rug you were standing on, gave it a quick tug and while you are falling tosses balls in the air and expects you to catch them.  As a detail oriented person, the greatest challenge to my now topsy-turvy life is giving up on some of the details.  This goes beyond prioritizing and is more about coming to terms with the fact that there will be times (many times) that you won't be able to give something your all...in fact, I might say that if you are a perfectionist, having a child or in our case, children is a pretty easy way to learn to be satisfied with less than perfect.


Is this a bad thing, I don't necessarily think so.  Since James and Andrew were born, I have learned when to be perfect and when to be adequate, and what I can say is that an easy way to prioritize is to start with your family and let everything else follow from there.  After all, once your kids are born, it's not really about you anymore...it's really about them or better than that, us.  For example, last September, I was finishing up a course for my Masters when James and Andrew arrived.  I worked hard to pull my final assignment together but quickly realized that it would be challenging to put my all into my work with so much going on in my life.  So, I did something I hadn't done in a long time and simply got something done...it was not perfect, but it was adequate...I got my mark, not my highest...but adequate and I moved on...still have a bit to go on that Masters but I am pretty sure I will get there.


So my little men who are now starting to crawl and explore...it's important to remember that often while we try to be perfect, sometimes it's just not possible.  Details are important and being good at detailed work will often set you apart from those you work with, but it is often equally vital for you to be able to determine what requires all of the details to be spot on and what you simply need to get done.  As I mentioned above, the one place where I will always strive for perfection is with our family and I hope you will feel that is the case.  In the end what I hope you take from this, and what I have learned, is that perfection is something that we often strive for in our own work, in many cases exceeding expectations.  When this strive for perfection impacts getting something done, or challenges your ability to fulfill your obligations it indeed becomes problematic.  In most of these cases, you do not need to be perfect...recognizing that almost everything you do is a beginning and not an ending...what I mean by this is that there is almost always an opportunity to build on what you have done...So, be happy with what you can accomplish, remember to strive for perfection where it is truly needed and where you find value and don't be afraid to be happy with your best efforts even if there is still room to improve.  


Love, Dad


PS - I love the fact that you are crawling and getting into everything but if you could be a little gentler with my DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince CDs I would greatly appreciate it...I have to maintain some memory of when Will Smith was just a skinny rapper from West Philadelphia (Born and Raised)...I'll show you the youtube clips sometime (that is if youtube is still relevant when you read this).

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Life Lesson For My Little Men #22

So this past Sunday was my first Father's Day as an actual Dad.  I guess last year I was an expecting one, so that doesn't count.  I figured it would be like any other Sunday, especially given that my sons aren't old enough to talk let alone make breakfast, mow the lawn or wash the car (all things that I did for my dad growing up).  I was surprised at the level of emotion I felt on the actual day and how connected to the role of Dad I had become.  


The week leading up to Father's Day I was travelling to two conferences for work.  Luckily, both were close enough to home that I was able to commute daily, however, on the night of the end of conference banquet, I intended on and in fact stayed over to take advantage of the festivities.  Looking back on it, Adrienne and I both feel that I could have stayed the other nights as well, but at the time of booking, things were still so up in the air that we played it safe.  So, getting back to my previous point...the reason this was a big deal is that it was the first time since their birth that I spent longer than 24 hours away from James and Andrew.  Now as the strong masculine figure in the house I imagine that this isn't supposed to be bothersome or even all that dramatic, but for me it definitely was.  For much of the day I was so busy that I didn't really notice, but as dinner drifted into evening and later, I definitely started to feel the separation and as I lay down to close my eyes, I couldn't help but feel the missed smiles as I walked through the door, the sloppy after dinner grins and the good night kisses to end my day.  So anyway, there I lay, staring up at a non-descript popcorn ceiling on an uncomfortable mattress with a pillow that makes the Sunday paper seem thick, thinking about my family a few hundred kilometers away.  To help me deal with my feelings I started looking through pictures on my phone...I skimmed through photos dating back to the very first moments of James' and Andrew's lives right up until a few days prior to my leaving and a smile slowly crept onto my face.  I drifted off to sleep, knowing that in a few short hours (or 12 hours) I would be heading home to the two greatest gifts ever.


Which brings me to Father's Day, a few days after I returned home.  The day was perfect, the boys (or Adrienne) got me some great gifts including a World's Best Dad shirt with a picture of Darth Vader on it (I am such a geek) but more importantly it was the cuddliest day we've ever spent together.  We played on the floor for hours, sat out on the lawn and for the most part just spent the day, altogether as a family.  I truly felt like the luckiest man alive, which made the next day (Monday) even more challenging than normal...back to work, up early and out the door before they really wake up and return home for a few hours together before bed time.  


So my little men who each day get bigger and brighter, I guess the lesson I would like to pass on is this: there will be times when you feel like you aren't supposed to feel the way that you do.  Sometimes, this is because you feel guilty or remorse about a strong reaction to a situation.  Other times it will be because you feel social pressure not to really come to terms with the emotions that are bubbling inside of you.  At these times, it is important to be true to your feelings and let them run their course.  If that is sadness, don't be scared to cry a little.  If it is fear, don't be afraid to seek reassurance as you try to be brave.  If it is remorse or guilt, don't be afraid to admit that your wrong. The important part in all of this is that you find yourself, in the end, knowing that you have been true to your self in the most authentic way possible.  Remember that generalizations and social norms exist because of how others perceive the "average" experience of fellow humans, not because it is right or because it represents who you should be.  In fact, you are far from average and it is my hope that you never think that you need to hide what you are feeling because you don't think that it is what you should feel.  After all, being authentic and true to your feelings is often a far braver thing to do than holding back, dulling your senses and letting others dictate how you experience life and love.


Thanks for a wonderful first Father's Day.


Love Dad

Monday, June 4, 2012

Life Lessons for My Little Men #21

It has been nine months since James and Andrew entered our world and, as I am sure all parents can attest to, time is flying by.  It seems like only yesterday that I was leaving work and heading downtown to see my tiny little men in the NICU at Sunnybrook.  As a new dad, what I have found is that often major milestones are happening during the day (when Andrew and James are the most alert and energized) and so routinely I have missed out on the first <fill in the blank here>.  What this has also led to in an unnerving feeling that I am not connecting with my sons the way that I would like to.  Ultimately, the challenge is that somebody has to work in order to pay the <fill in the blank here> and ensure that our family is currently safe and comfortable and that we have as many opportunities as possible in the future.  


I put this out there as a revolutionary idea, but something to consider (not that I have done any of the economics behind it as I will leave the to those who may critique it and have a better understanding of those things.  What if, instead of working right now, I could trade this time for time later in life.  For example, like taking 5 years of pension and RRSP savings up front and then working an additional 5 years later to pay back the system...wouldn't this be an idea (especially given the fact that most people in our generation do not anticipate full retirement until late 60s early 70s)?!?!  It certainly would be a bargain I would be willing to make!  Anyhow, I digress from my initial intent of this post.  The point of my post is that missing these things has left a mark on my own comprehension of my abilities as a father and in some ways challenges how I react when parenting, possibly overcompensating for some slight twinge that I feel in my soul every time I walk out the door in the morning or get a glowing text about what amazing thing has happened in my absence.


I have heard about mother's guilt, and again, I don't presume to suppose that what I am discussing is in anyway equivalent, but I am simply saying it exists.  Recently, this guilt reared its head during play time.  Adrienne was out running errands and so I was entertaining both James and Andrew on the family room floor.  We were carrying on quite well, giggling and smiling, the boys doing their best to share toys while dad did his best to share his attention.  Then things turned.  I got up to stretch my legs (apparently the ability to sit cross legged is something that you lose sometime after high school) and bonk, down went James.  Now the logical me says, that was one of many bumps, bruises and bonks that there will be in his life, but as the tears welled up into his eyes, so to did that feeling of guilt.  If I only get to spend x hours with my sons I don't want them to be painful hours...how could I let this happen...he is so upset, and as I comforted him and wiped the tears from his eyes, I couldn't help feeling that I had let him down.  Again, the logical me knows this won't be the only time that I feel this way, but the first time it happens I can honestly say is heartbreaking.  Now when Adrienne came home and I had a chance to share my story I quickly came to realize that this wasn't his first tumble, and that in fact, my wife was dealing with her own emotions around guilt and letting them down on a far more frequent basis.  At the time, this was a small consolation for my bruised psyche or James' equally bruised noggin. 


So my little men, I guess the lesson to be learned is this: no matter how hard you try to be there, you won't always be able to catch someone you care about before they fall.  In reflecting on this situation, I can now see that at least I was there to comfort and hold you when I wasn't able to prevent something bad from happening.  In fact, at certain points in your life, this will be a far more valuable point of intervention and support than preventing the fall in the first place.  Some people believe that life is a collection of moments, but I would argue that it goes beyond a collection as each of these moments is interwoven in a way that when perceived from afar or in retrospect make it challenging to discern the individual moments from the grand mosaic of the whole experience.  So, while I endeavour to be there for you during all of your moments, reality is that there will be times when I can't be and that perhaps, rather than dwell on that and lose sight of the greater purpose, it is more important to focus on all of the moments that we co-create and how they contribute to our bigger picture.  


Love, Dad

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #20

So things have started happening quite quickly.  We have almost hit the 9 month mark and both James and Andrew are on their way to their first tooth.  I discovered how far along by having my finger pulled into an open mouth and run over the razor that is in James' lower lip.  They have also both started reaching and scooching along the floor for things.  Things include: Toys, remotes, cell phones, books, CDs, the dog, the cat, the pillow, or anything else new to their environment that garners attention.  The scooching and is usually accompanied by excited squealing and yelling and a great deal of arm flailing which is fine for the inanimate objects but can be quite off putting to the cat...I have warned him already that it will get more interesting quite soon, but given he has a reasonably poor memory, he is after all a cat, he will probably forget.  Another recent development is the babble, Andrew has taken to talking quite extensively about a variety of topics which are near and dear to him.  He shares this with his brother or any one else in ear shot and gets very excited if he is asked questions.


To say that things have gotten busy, is a bit of an understatement.  I think that Adrienne and I are starting to grasp how much work our two little men are going to be...especially because there are two.  As I have written earlier, they are two very different people with two very different personalities and also two different timelines in terms of their development.  It is interesting in talking to other parents because we (as a society) have been conditioned to put a timeline on everything, so inevitably the conversation turns to how old and then an assumption about milestones reached.  Often this is done out of curiosity, which I would definitely encourage.  Other times questions are asked in an almost competitive spirit.  You certainly are left with a hint of "my child was sleeping through the night at 1 week, walking at 6 months, talking at 7 months, toilet trained at 8 months and working a full time job while working on their first novel by the age of 2".  Does this bother me, maybe a little, certainly in the beginning it was challenging to deal with, however, I think we have come to learn that placing expectations around James and Andrew's development is a bit like trying to learn ventriloquism, it looks simple enough but after endless hours of not getting it quite right your left wondering what's the point and then low and behold nobody cares about it anymore anyway...and all that you've got to show for your efforts are sore lips and a puppet who can't speak while you're drinking (ok, maybe not the last part).  So in the end, is it really all that important, the answer is no...not really.  And does it bother me when people ask, no...not really, because I know that they will get there and truthfully, they can take all the time the want doing it...


So my little men who are filling our lives with everyday surprises and countless smiles, I guess the lesson I have learned is this.  Society has taught us that in order to be successful we need to compare and keep score with those around us.  We have learned that faster is better and have allowed the benchmarking tactics of our work lives to infiltrate what should be the most natural and sacred process of them all.  We have been encouraged to push because today is better than tomorrow and definitely better than next week.  In doing so, we have ignored the basic rhythm of nature and forgotten that life happens in a continuum not a 24 hour clock.  I know that your mother and I want you to do great things and are prepared to support you in everything you do on your journey to that place, but I think we have also come to realize that it is your journey and you will get there, well, when you get there.  Some people are fast, others are slower (take it from me, I have never been described as fast), what matters in the end is that you get to where you want to be and you arrive at that point, when you are ready.  After all, why would I want to rush you when I already feel like you are growing up too fast.


Love always,


Dad

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Life Lesson For My Little Men #19

So as I sit here eating yesterday's leftover chinese for lunch, I am feeling inspired to write a blog about the one of the most experiences in fatherhood which is witnessing the transformation of your partner into a mother.  Now some folks are probably thinking that I am writing this, on the day after mother's day, as a way of making up for something I forgot to do yesterday.  Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact, yesterday was on my accounts a pretty good first mother's day for James and Andrew and more importantly Adrienne.  If she doesn't agree with me she will have to post a comment or forever hold her peace.  No, what is inspiring me is seeing first hand how well Adrienne has taken to being a fantastic mother to both of our sons.

When you find out that you are going to be parents you are flooded with emotions.  As a father to be, it can be tough to fully understand or perceive all that you are experiencing.  In many ways, the best thing that you can do to connect to your future paternal development is to connect with your partner.  By asking questions, listening to responses (an important part of communication we often forget) and observing all of the changes that are happening to your other half, you can find a way to connect on a deeper level with the entire experience.  Once the babies (y) are born, however, it is hard to find a moment to truly take in all of the things that you and your partner are experiencing.  You are often tugged in one direction or the other and when there are two your attention is always divided.  So, it can be challenging to find enough time to stop and think about how much things have changed.

Truthfully, I don't know how much motherhood has changed my wife.  Adrienne has always been caring, apt to put others first and willing to lend a hand or a smile to a friend in need.  In actuality, motherhood has merely enhanced these fantastic qualities while bringing to the fore front others.  Adrienne is incredibly nurturing.  She painstakingly makes all of the boys food and is always there with a cuddle when that's what is needed.  She has also developed her comedic abilities often putting aside all seriousness to make cow noises, tickle fights or attempts to talk in a scottish accent in an effort to draw a few laughs.  Each day the boys enjoy a regiment of naked time where Mom stands by to ensure that they are spending the appropriate time on their tummies and backs ensuring that they are developing all of the muscles to be strong young lads.  All of this is to say that Adrienne has taken to motherhood so very well.  My pride in her is only outdone by my pride in the two little fellas that she is doing so well at raising.  

So my little, lucky to have such a fantastic mom, men a good life lesson is to love your mother with all of your heart.  As time marches on, this will take different forms (if you are still sleeping in our bed at the age of 14, that might be a bit weird), and their may come a point in time when you don't express it enough but it's important that you believe it and know that it's true.  As you grow, I am sure you will learn to understand how much she cares for you and maybe you will get just how much effort she has put into making your every minute on this earth the best that it can be.  I hope you do.  Moms are special people.  They are in many ways the engine that drives the family forward but they are also often the glue that keeps it together.  Your mom is certainly well on her way to both of these things right now and I am certain that when you are old enough to read this, you will be able to see the many ways she is doing this. Love her, cherish your moments with her and never leave something unsaid today that you would say tomorrow.
Love, Dad

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #18

Now I am sure that I am not the best person to write this blog.  The best person would be the person that spends the most time with my two young sons, their mother.  However, because blogging is my thing and not hers, you will have to make due with my best offering.  What is interesting about our sons is that from very early on, they have been incredibly similar and yet different.  They were born only a few minutes apart and at birth their was little difference in their physical traits.  They have carried this starting point through the early part of their lives often having less than an ounce or two between them in weight and virtually identical heights.  Equally interesting though is how different they are and how early these differences have become noticeable.


To the naked and untrained eye, meaning most strangers, they look identical, but we can tell the difference.  Andrew has been lucky enough to inherit his father's awfully large and round head where as James has been blessed by his mothers, longer and thinner face.  In terms of personality they are incredibly different.  James is the local goof ball often sharing in a quick laugh and voicing his opinion with a shrill squeal that would put most birds of prey to shame.  We often exclaim that he has velociraptor in his DNA.  Another interesting fact is that James is generally a happy baby but when he goes off, does he ever go off and is harder to bring back than Bonnie from over the ocean or the sea (or however that song goes).  He will sob through many of the normal comforts and often can't be consoled with the exception of a well timed gag to get him laughing or some needed mom time.


Andrew on the other hand, tends to be more even keel.  He is quieter, is slower to laugh but also slower to cry.  His disposition is often harder to crack in terms of a laugh but again, when you get him going her will let out a honk that will warm your heart and hurt your cheeks.  He will continue to honk like a goose at the slightest inkling of a repeat performance or continuation of the gag.  He is also the more impatient of the two as he voices his displeasure quickly if he feels that he has sat two long between spoonfuls.


What is consistent about the two of them is that they are inconsistent.  I write this blog fully knowing that in two or three weeks, this description will seem completely inaccurate, but I thought it important to note how incredibly different they are.  The squealer and the honker as we will call them never cease to amaze us.  What one likes for food the other will tolerate (usually with a horrified look on his face).  The squealer is a late riser, while the honker is up most days shortly after his dad.  The squealer is quick to get into everything and anything within reach where as the honker seems to be much more deliberate about his ventures.  The squealer is not so good with the whole under water thing, where as the honker's calm demeanor pays huge dividends in his training to be the next Michael Phelps.  


All this, as mentioned above, will probably change next week, so we can never put much stock in things staying the same for long with the exception of: they both love their dog and cat (look out Arthur when they start crawling it is on), they both get really excited about bath time, they both have a smile that lights up the darkest room, they both adore their mom (and can you blame them), in fact this list could go on for quite some time...I guess in the end they are more similar than I thought, but I won't be fooled into treating them the same.  Perhaps one of the most evident challenges in raising twins is the insistance of others that they are the same.  This can be done overtly or subtly.  The use of words like they, the boys, the twins, etc. provide a challenge for others but also us as parents.  For example the question "how are they sleeping," assumes that they must share the same internal clock and pattern...I'll destroy this myth...they don't.  Whenever possible, we try and refer to them by their names rather than as a collective.  Believe me though, this is hard even for us as parents, and I certainly am not offended when others use those words to ask a question out of curiosity or care for James or Andrew.  I only raise it as something to be mindful of, as I think it represents something that we often do in an increasingly complex world, seeking simplicity by assuming sameness. 


So my little men, as you begin to explore the world around you I hope you can find ways to appreciate all of the difference and diversity that this world has to offer.  It's true that you will find similarities and familiarities in people that you meet throughout your journey but it is incredibly important that you remember that for all of the similarities that we celebrate we often forget to celebrate our difference.  This difference can be expressed in many ways and has often been portrayed as something to be wary of or even fear, despite the truth that it is what makes the mosaic that is life more beautiful.  Ask questions, hold back assumptions and seek to understand and enjoy what makes you unique from your brother, your parents, your neighbour, your friend or a person you have never met whether across a crowded restaurant or on the other side of the world.  This understanding will help you build incredible relationships, a colourful and complete life and leave a legacy of acceptance and encouragement for those around you.


Love,


Dad

Monday, April 23, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #17

Many new parents have challenges getting their baby to sleep.  When you have two little wonders, these challenges are magnified ( I would say doubled, but I don't think that this accurately reflects just how overwhelming it can feel) and you often are left seeking answers.  Now, unless you have a solid support network of people who have been through it, you may find that you feel quite alone.  The internet and books can be helpful, and certainly, after giving birth to our two young fellows, we have met and been reunited with many friends who are in the same situation.  However, at the end of the day (literally) you are in it yourself and we certainly struggled.

About a month ago, maybe more now, it's hard to remember, we set about trying to build a stronger routine for our boys, specifically around bedtime.  We set out starting to adjust bedtime earlier and earlier in the evening often preceded by a bath and some reading (sometimes Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss or Robert Munsch, but often something a little shorter).  As we crept closer to a more reasonable time for all of us to hit the hay, the boys mounted a rebellion of mythical proportions.  One day it just seemed like they had a closed door meeting, decided that this new plan was devious and not something that would be tolerated and so they would put a stop to it.  Their protests mounted, often involving tears, sometimes smiles but the results were always the same, two very tired parents and two unhappy and overtired little men.

Each baby is different, and when you have twins, you will realize that each of them is different too.  This becomes incredibly evident when it becomes times for bed.  One of our boys loves story time with Dad, he would spend the entire time sitting and staring at me as I read through a book, complete with voices.  The other, would much rather be coddled and held by mom and while he tolerates story time, it really isn't his thing.  One thing that we found as time marched on is that our two boys did much better while in bed with us than in their crib.  And there came a time when we looked at each other and said, is this really worth it, and the answer was no.  So for the last few months we have been sharing a bed with our two sprawling little men and things have been great.  It certainly helps that neither of us is a restless sleeper and nothing is truly as rewarding as falling asleep with your little boy cuddled up next to you. 

Now I know what you are thinking (or maybe not)...Isn't co-sleeping frowned upon, and the answer is yes...but we have decided to ignore the "surgeon general type" warnings and put our own sanity and the happiness of our little men first.  And since making this decision, I must say we are all sleeping a little better and being a little happier, not to mention the fact that there is something amazing about waking up with your child right next to you.  For a while, we didn't really talk about this with other people, and even once we did, it was with an essence of guilt.  I would say, even now we aren't overly comfortable just blurting this out...although, once this blog is published, I guess that's out the window.  All this is to say that it was important for us to make a decision that was right for us and each family should feel that they have the same right to do so.  

So my little cover stealing boys, now that you are sharing the bed with us I think there are a few important life lessons you can learn.  Number 1, if you are going to let one go...which you will...it is important that you attempt to create an opening to vent , otherwise you may trap something under the covers that will confuse and disgust your bed mate...This is an even more important life lesson as you get older...Number 2, remember that life is about making good choices for you and your family.  Sometimes this will buck the trends or even go against something that is recommended, the important thing is that you take the time to make a rational decision that is in your (and in this case it's the royal your) best interests.  Life is complicated and often the so-called experts write and comment based on generalities, this is helpful in informing our opinion but is not the be all and end all.  I am glad we didn't listen, as not only are we all more rested but I am pretty sure that this stage of your life will be relatively short (in the sense that pretty soon you won't want me in your room let alone cuddling you to sleep) and it has been nice to hold and comfort you to sleep.

Love,

Dad

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #16

So since becoming a father a few things have become all to prevalent in my thoughts.  I am sure that this is the case for many parents as you begin to make changes and take stock of your life.  First off, I have started thinking a great deal about my own life as a child, perhaps planning for an equally rewarding experience for my little fellows.  Of course, my memories often leave out several of the more traumatic experiences and frequently dwell on the exciting or enjoyable (for example, I think of trips to Florida or Disney and leave out the countless visits to Pioneer Villages).  Second, I have started to think about my own mortality...which is something I have often avoided as I have not yet come to terms with it.  Completely related to this is a third new thought which is what world will I leave my children and how will I teach them to leave the world to their kids.  

When we found out we were having twins we decided to make an effort to limit the impact our little ones would have on the environment.  We made a choice to go with cloth diapers, which took some getting used to for both us and the babies, and is requiring further adjustment now that we are starting on solid foods.  I'll explain this further, the cloth diapers we use (happy nappy), in order to be absorbent tend to be much thicker than your traditional disposable.  They are also unique as they are often hand made and so there is some variation in fit.  Finally, there is a liner, which adds an additional step to each diapering session.  On our initial attempt, Adrienne and I didn't know if we would be able to do it...but now, 6 months later, we are hooked and definitely wouldn't go in the other direction.  We do use disposables when we are traveling (appointments, visiting, etc.) and that's enough for us.

Our second commitment was to source as many of our purchases on resale websites like kijiji or craigslist.  Not only does this make good economic sense (the baby product industry, and I believe I can call it that as in my opinion any industry that convinces us that our babies need a warmer for something that wipes their butts is in it for the almighty $$$), but it also supports others in your local area.  In doing this, where ever possible we have tried to buy products that will last and that can be resold or donated to others at a later date.  

In all of our purchases, we have tried to buy products that are made in Canada a plan that carried over from our recent home purchase.  We often do this at a greater expense than if we were to cruise down to the local Walmart (there are soon to be 3 within 3 km of our house...yikes!), but I am more than willing to pay a few dollars more for something that was made here, employed a Canadian but more importantly didn't come across an ocean on a giant, diesel guzzling ship.   The sad part is that what you will find is that there are many things that you simply can't find that have been produced here.  Sad in the sense that it is seen as cheaper (not more sustainable) to ship millions of tiny baby spoons from across the ocean than to simply make them here...in the end though, I question the cheaper/more profitable part of this argument when in the long run it may be our generation or even worse my boys' generation that will need to figure out how to maintain society without fossil fuels to produce food, ship items, drive to work, etc.

We have also made an effort to make our own food.  Again, there are sometimes that this is a challenge and it simply doesn't make sense to do so.  This way we can control what is put in the food, but we can also cut down on the amount of additional waste that we generate.  So far, so good on this one.  Our boys seem ok with their pureed peas, carrots, yams and pears and Adrienne is an excellent cook, I haven't yet ventured into this world.

So my fast growing little men, as you walk through life it is important that you remember your place in this great wide world.  I don't mean this to be daunting and deflating (as often you will feel that you are small and cannot make a difference) but more so to reflect on all that you have been given and all that you must leave to those who follow.  Far too often, we leave things or don't make the smallest of efforts because we don't believe that they have an impact or because they are inconvenient.  For many of us, we should feel privileged that at this point convenience can even weigh into this decision...for your generation my little ones, I am not sure that will be the case.  My point is this, even small changes can make an impact...and the scope of our ability to effect change should never be a part of the question or answer, because truthfully if we all took baby steps...wouldn't we effect change?!?!  People are often quoted as saying that their goal in life is to leave the world a better place than how they found it...however, does this make sense if we are not giving our all to actually leave a physical planet to inhabit?!?!  So as you continue to grow please remember that whenever you can, make decisions that will help heal or sustain the greatest gift we have all been given...this planet to inhabit until such day as we leave it to the next generation.  I wish more in my generation had done a better job of this for you.  Even your smallest efforts will have impact...the important part is that you make the effort.  Love, Dad.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Life Lesson for My Little Men #15

Please bear with me as I rant a little bit in an effort to get something off of my chest.  My hope in writing this is to raise a little awareness of an issue but also to put down on paper or better yet into the universe.  So we have gotten to a point in our journey where we are deciding what to do when Adrienne's maternity leave comes to an end.  I never thought this decision would be overly challenging and I think both of us just assumed that she would go back to work (see Life Lesson #14 for something to consider on this front), but with twins and the fact that they were 8 weeks early, we have had to recalibrate a little bit.  When we found out we were having twins a story briefly hit the news in Canada about a couple who was in court to appeal the length of time that they could take on Mat. Leave after the birth of their twins.  The basis of their appeal was that if they had given birth to their children 12 months apart, they would have been able to take 2 years of parental leave.  The government's stance on this is that it constitutes one birth (although, I think if you asked, most women would say that they could plainly feel two actual births...just sayin'), and so parents are entitled to one year.

Here's the thing, I am not usually a complainer and I know we have it better than some, so I am not in any way trying to diminish the value of what we have, however, I think the additional year is something to consider and here is why.  1) Fairness, as mentioned above, if we had been blessed with two children born a year apart, we would have been entitled to 2 full years of leave, as it stands we have one year and two children (all of our costs are as if we had two children and it doesn't seem that we will be lucky enough to pay for childcare for one given that there was "only one birth").  As part of this argument, it is not as if we planned to have twins...in fact, twins don't run in the family so we would never even have known, so in essence, because of a little miracle we are not treated the same as another couple by our government.  2) Our boys were born early and as I have highlighted earlier, this means that when we reach a year and my wife is scheduled to return to work, they won't be as far along as most their age.  Some day-cares won't even take them if they can't walk, so we may be left with little choice...but also, we don't think they will be ready for full time child care.  3) We have been lucky, despite a rocky start both of our sons are very healthy, however, many couples who give birth to multiples are not so lucky, the extra year would be incredibly helpful in ensuring that the children were ready physically and emotionally for mom (or dad) to go back to work.  4) Raising twins is not the same as raising two children and certainly during the first year, this is not the case.  Adrienne is a champ and has been incredible at adjusting to her new role, but there is little time for her to recover.  For example, nap time is sometimes a family event but is more often a solo past-time which leaves mom entertaining whichever of the two has decided to push through the momentary exhaustion and blow drool bubbles.  An additional amount of time for leave would be ease some of this exhaustion.

So in the end, I hope this doesn't sound like a "it's not fair" kind of rant, believe me, I know that life isn't.  And, it is not an effort to get a bit more of a handout, we have never been the type to want one without the expectation that we would pay it back.  It is however, an effort to dialogue about something near to my heart and at the front of my conscious right now as we are possibly coming to terms with a time of single income support for a young family. 

So, my little men who have all the potential and possibility to do great things, I guess the life lesson is this:  Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to make choices and live with your values in mind and action, things will come up which will cause you to re-evaluate.  Your mom, as you will know when you read this, is an incredible educator and has always taken joy in being a smart, successful, caring and giving woman.  When you two came along, it took a while to come to grips with the fact that life for both of us had changed and priorities began to look different, sacrifices had to be made.  One such sacrifice is career goals.  Sometimes, there will be help in making this decision or easing the impact and other times, there won't be. I guess the important part is to take time to sit down, reflect on your options, talk openly with those that will be affected and then make the best decision, even if it means that in the short term things will get tougher.  In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that you have made the best choice that you can, which sometimes won't be the easiest road or even the road you have always traveled  on...but it will be the road that leads to the best outcome.

Love,

Dad