Andrew and James have had a great start to their academic careers. Junior kindergarten or in their case kindergarten has been full of new learning, activity, and friends. On a daily basis I come home to something exciting that they have discovered or achieved. But with all that good comes some bad and so I thought I'd write a bit about the unlearning of school.
A few weeks back I was dolling out an evening snack. I grabbed two colourful plastic plates and gave one (bright green) to Andrew and the other (bright pink) to James. James promptly turned up his nose and Andrew chimed in with his observation that the plate was a "girls' colour." This left me perplexed, we had never associated colour with gender and so I started asking a lot of questions in an effort to build an understanding of where this newfound opinion that colours had gender came from. What I discovered is hardly shocking, it's something they picked up talking to their friends. From this point we started to explore the topic. We talked about favourite colours and being confident in being who we are, liking what we like and being comfortable when others do the same. In the end both James and Andrew seemed to understand that colour isn't assigned a gender and that they can like, wear and eat off what they like.
This is not the first case of unlearning, nor will it be the last. We have already faced the "I'm telling on you," "I'm not your best friend," and inevitable little boys running around the house making gun noises. This time however, it felt that the stakes were higher. It felt like a core value of our family was being threatened by outside influence. The tough part is that it's not the last time we will deal with this. In fact, just yesterday Adrienne told me a story of frustration at the reaction of the boys in class to Andrew bringing a doll to school. She expressed feeling confused as to what to do as his face dropped at their strong reaction of disgust at his choice to play with a doll.
Adrienne and I both expected that at school things would happen that would be outside of our control. We are far from protective or sheltering parents and encourage the boys to take appropriate risks and push their comfort levels. Challenge and support. However, I feel it important to express my naivety about how often we would have to defend our values as parents. How often we would have to build up the confidence of little men who just want to be who they are and be loved for it. How often the choices of others in terms of how they raise their children would enter our home and impact James and Andrew. Unfortunately, I had told myself a tale of having to defend the mysticalness of Santa or the Easter Bunny rather than thinking of the much more socially liberal and open-minded values we as parents have chosen to instil in our children...Silly Me!
The bright side of this reality are the opportunities to talk and discuss some pretty big topics as a family. I don't think that can be overlooked. Without conflict and controversy we as people would have a hard time establishing an identity that is our own. This conflict absent of conversation has the opportunity to create a divide in who we are and to leave us feeling confused, torn or incomplete. And so, we keep talking, continue to encourage confidence, and empower our children to be themselves.
So Andrew and James, it is my hope that you continue to explore and build your identity. I recognize and know that your friends will have a great influence in your lives. I know that outside influences shaped who I am today and continue to help me redefine how I see myself in the world around me. This is how life works. However, I think it is equally important to note that this is not something that simply happens without question, challenge and reflection. You have the opportunity to become exactly the person you want to be, to grow and develop into the person you are happy with, and to be you. If you feel that being taken away by somebody else I encourage you to think about why and be confident in expressing a contrary point of view. There will be times when this is hard, particularly when you feel outnumbered or alone, but if you are acting to stay true to your values and yourselves, and with a caring heart you can't go wrong. You are the one and only you in this world, if you try and be somebody else you deprive the world of the beauty your uniqueness.
Love
Dad
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