Life Lesson #48 - 4 Years Old

How do you summarize 4 years of learning and growing in one blog post? You don't.  In fact, it would make little sense to try.  Four years of lessons taught, lessons learned, insights gained and opportunities gone by would be challenging to fit in a novel so instead, I'm going to write about one exchange that took place late in the day, when dad and his sons were both wiped.

We spent yesterday at Canada's Wonderland.  I was fortunate to take the day off work, which can be personally challenging as this is a point in the year when work is beyond busy and I am beyond personally invested in being there.  The day at Wonderland was filled with rides, dinosaurs, funnel cake and walking.  It was tiring.  At one point, James was asked what ride he wanted to go on next.  His response, "is there a ride that is shaped like a bed?  One that is a soft bed I can have a little rest on."  By the time 3 pm came around we were all done and began the commute home, which meant more walking.  At home it was dinner with grandparents and the opening of a few gifts.  By the time bedtime came around everyone needed it. 

We measured heights on the chart on the wall noting both have added about 3.5" in the last year. After a few stories and the brushing of teeth we began the slow migration into bed.  When James and Andrew get tired, they get chatty.  They can talk a conversation in circles better than any politician and as I heard the same thing for the third time I began to get frustrated.  Eventually, I played the stern voice card which given their mental state led to tears.  As I realized my error in patience and comforted James, I offered an explanation/excuse for my frustration.  That's when Andrew looked at me and said, "Dad, why when you are frustrated do you not speak in your normal voice? Why do you use your angry voice?" In a moment, I learned how much they have grown and learned.  We have often encouraged James and Andrew to talk out their frustrations.  We have often asked them to reflect on how a situation might have gone better had they been able to express their feelings without using their angry voice.  I have often thought that they weren't hearing us.  And yesterday I was proved wrong.  Oh they are hearing and have even learned to question what they see as inappropriate behaviour when an adult does it.

So four years later and I am still amazed at how being their dad makes me feel.  On a daily basis I feel pride, happiness, love, kindness, charmed, gracious, thankful, and the list goes on.  Somedays I feel frustrated, and that's okay as long as I express that frustration in a way that is appropriate (firm, kind, and sincere).  Andrew and James, you taught me that!

Love on your 4th birthday,

Dad

New Beginnings = Regrets of a Busy Dad!

So it's been a long time since I have written, which seems to be the starting sentence from my last several blogs.  I imagined writing would get more difficult as time went by simply because of how busy things get, however, I had no idea how hard it would be not only to carve out time but to write a blog based on the parameters I had set out.  This blog will be a departure from that norm.

The countdown has begun.  No, not the Final Countdown, although that was a great sing-a-long song by Journey that made a resurgence a few years back.  I am referring to the countdown to the beginning of school.  

At work, I am a master of change, in terms of managing my stress and emotions.  In fact, I sometimes worry that I am too robotic.  At home is a completely different story.  I have told myself countless times that this is not the end but the beginning.  That billions of people have done this exact thing and it works out fine.  That this will open us up to a whole new chapter.  However, when all of the self talk is done I arrive back at the very same place, it is the end.  We won't be going back.  My boys are in fact growing up.

I try to live my life with minimal regret, I think no regret is impossible as to have no regrets means denying yourself an emotion tied with looking back plus the learning that comes with it.  Minimal regret, however, allows me to look back, determine what I might have done differently and move on.  In this case, minimal regret is tough.  3 years ago, after the boys first birthday I switched jobs.  The new job would bring career fulfillment, a few more dollars but more importantly happiness in what I was doing.  

Ian, what was the downside you might ask?!?! 

Well, almost 3 hours of daily travel.  I went from a 20 minute morning drive/bike ride to 3 hours of car/bike/ train/ walk to work.  And with that, I lost several hours of key parental time.

So now, here I sit evaluating this decision.  I have never been happier in my career (looking for brownie points if any folks at Ryerson are reading this).  I know I am in the 'right' place.  The extra money afforded us the ability to live a certain lifestyle while Adrienne worked from home.  And yet, looking back on the decision, I can't help but feel a tinge of regret...after all we aren't going back.  There were moments I lived through Facetime or similar technologies, pictures on my phone of times I wasn't present for, and the lasting impact of the conflict I face almost weekly in asking the question do I stay a little longer or rush home.  Now I know how my working parents felt.

On the first day of school, I'm going to be a mess.  I know it already.  I'll be strong and logical until I see the boys off and then I will be a wreck.  In the end, I'll be fine...after all, how many parents have gone through the same thing?!?  I do have a favour to ask though, if you see a parent really struggling on September 8th, please reserve judgment.  Practice a bit of empathy and try to imagine what they are going through, the sacrifices they have made, the pride they maybe overcome by, or the little bit of regret that might be creeping up from within.

Ian

PS-James and Andrew, when you do in fact read this know that I had some major concerns about your ability to keep your pants on for 7 hours a day... I know, the struggle is real!

Love dad

Not a lesson but a post nonetheless!

Written on February 19, 2015

It has taken me months to write this post.  I think partly because I have blocked the situation from my active memory but also in part for fear of judgment, however, today, on a day when a parent’s worst nightmare came true, I feel the only way to reflect and deal with my emotions is to write.  Today, on a day when temperatures are well below freezing a little boy left his apartment unbeknownst to his family in nothing but a t-shirt.  He was found hours later, without vital signs and rushed to the hospital…my heart hurts just thinking of it.  Last spring, we went through a similar situation with James. 

It was mid afternoon, Adrienne was taking the dog for a walk and I was downstairs with Andrew doing laundry.  The sliding door to our backyard was open to allow a breeze through the screen and at the time our backyard was not fenced.  I came upstairs after loading up the washer, unloading the dryer and with a 2 and a half year old in tow when I realized the screen was now open just wide enough for a little boy to fit through.  I yelled for James…no answer.  I started out the back door, thought better and turned around closing and locking it.  As I headed out the front door one of our neighbours was making her way up our drive-way.  She had seen him, knew he belonged to us and was coming to get me.  Her friend was walking quickly to catch up to a little boy in his rubber boots who was 3/4s of the way down our street.  I closed the door, and ran barefoot down the sidewalk quickly passing the lady and racing James to the stop sign at the end of the road.  As I picked him up he screamed and kicked in determination.  I asked him where he was going.  He replied that he was going to the playground to find mommy.  He was intent on catching up with her.  Adrienne was nowhere in sight.  We were lucky.  Another 40 feet and he would have been at a major cross street with no stop sign in one direction.  My heart was in my throat for what felt like a week.  Needless to say, we invested in a fence that summer and became super vigilant about the door locks but also our communication with each other as parents.

In these types of situations people are quick to judge.  “How could they let this happen?” or “I would have never let him/her out of my sight” quickly forgetting that part of the challenges of parenting is that you can’t always be on guard, you can’t always be present, and that little people at even the tender age of two can be determined enough to make it through whatever safety gate you have devised.  We can only do our best and hope that on days where we screw up or where our best isn’t good enough that we get a little bit lucky.

So my little men, I have drifted between two main thoughts since learning the news about this young lad’s disappearance.  My heart has ached for his family as they are living a nightmare that I only had a taste of.  My second thought is of utter sadness in thinking what he must have felt as he wandered in the cold…this I can’t even imagine or bear to dwell on for longer than a moment.  Tonight, I am going to hug you, hold you close and tell you how much you mean to me.  There are days when I feel down because of how fast you are growing and how much I have already missed.  On days like today, I realize the privilege I have, as a father, in watching you grow and empathize with those who have not been so lucky.

Love you forever,

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #47

And so we have entered the "Why?" phase.  It's not like it was an abrupt entrance.  We had been slowly plodding along a track of curiosity for sometime.  What makes this phase distinct is the persistence of the questions, predominantly why.  

In our house, movie watching is reserved for weekends.  Usually Friday and Saturday nights we curl up for a bit and watch half a movie, leaving the other half for later. Over the holidays, the boys were fortunate to receive a few new movies and so began the questions..."Who is that?" "What is he doing?" "Why isn't he being nice?" "What is her name?"  The incessant chatter caused Adrienne and I to stay up and watch the rest of the movies, not so we'd have the answers but so that we could actually enjoy and understand what was going on.  From that we have shifted squarely into a time where questions rule the day...and that is a good thing...it caused me to wonder when we grow out of this?!? When do we become more concerned with knowing the answer vs. knowing the question?  When do we lose the innocent curiosity? What causes us to hold back when we don't fully understand something?

As adults we are often so consumed with moving forward that we forget how important it is to see what is around us.  In this case, seeing is being truly aware and if unsure seeking clarity.  We put ourselves in a space where taking the next step supersedes full comprehension and so we often take that step without truly knowing where we have been and where we will be going. 

Perhaps it is because of fear of judgment, not wanting to appear ignorant or less knowledgeable that we put our questions aside...preferring to nod and make a mental note to Google that thing to try and understand later. 

But what are the consequences?!? In some cases, it would seem that we would be making decisions without fully understanding the context or impact of those decisions.  Scary stuff right?!? but certainly not without a plentiful number of examples woven through out our history.  Even worse in my book is the potential impact on our relationships.  A lack of open curiosity enables us to drift through our days only half knowing the people around us, making assumptions about their experiences and dulling the emotions that bring us as humans together.  No wonder there is a lack of empathy in the world.

So my little men, I want to thank you for opening me up to the wonders of "Why?".  It is important that you hang onto that spirit for as long as you can and encourage it in others.  Asking questions unabashedly will help you feel with the vibrancy and clarity that you and this world deserves.  Ask questions, push beyond assumptions, and challenge your own need to be perceived as "knowing".  Most importantly be present, interested and curious in the experiences an feelings of those around you...let that help you create what you "know".

And I will do my best not to be impatient, to ask my own questions, and encourage you along the way.

Love Dad

PS - I appreciate that you enjoy a wide variety of toys as sleeping partners...however, when you scream bloody murder in the middle of the night because you have dropped one under the bed...my appreciation wanes quickly.

Life Lesson for my Little Men # 46

Today, I had my first experience dropping James and Andrew off at the Jelly Bean Club, which is a 2 hour program they attend once a week at the local community centre.  Adrienne explained everything to me before I left and I was well versed in the challenges of the drop off. There would likely be some tears, some red eyes and the emergence of the dreaded lower lip.  I was also fully aware that both James and Andrew enjoyed being at the Jelly Bean Club.  They love playing with new toys, doing crafts and are slowly becoming enthused by singing and dancing.  I psyched myself up and we marched out the door and off to hang out with the other "Jelly Beaners".  The game plan was quite simple, get in...get out, tear off the band-aid and show no mercy. Easier said than done.  As we entered the main doors I got caught up in the crowd and in an effort to make good on the logistical needs (paperwork, etc.) I lingered a little and in doing so we got separated...well kind of.  When I turned around I saw Andrew racing past me and through the doors and into the classroom but where was James...standing just down the hall, shoulders heaving, eyes just starting to water and lower lip not only jutting out like a shelf but quivering as if it were a shelf hung by his old man before he learned the true value of a stud finder.

I made my move.  I walked over, took him by the mitted hand and we walked to the door, he telling me how much he didn't want me to leave and me insisting he would have fun.  He seemed unconvinced but as we got to the door an awesome thing happened.  Andrew, already fully changed out of his coat, hat, and mittens was waiting for James and as we opened the door greeted him with an enthusiastic "James, let's go play with the dinosaurs."  And that was that, off James went.  When I came to pick them up, everything of course was fine and we had some fantastic paper bag snowman puppets to show for it.  This isn't the first time that either James or Andrew has encouraged the other when they are upset or scared.  There have been multiple really cute moments where a word of encouragement or a quick hug has been the helping hand the other has needed.  It certainly made me reflect on something I had chatted about with a colleague not to long ago.  One of the challenges of raising twins is that they experience everything together...rarely is there a moment where there is an older sibling to model or say "it'll be okay."  Today, however, I was reminded of the value of peer encouragement.

So my little but growing men...or as you would say, my big boys, today I was reminded of just how important it is to have others around to push, empower and encourage you to take on something you may otherwise be fearful of.  Sure it is great to have somebody who has been there before to show you the ropes, but possibly just as important is receiving that assurance from someone who is going through it with you, especially when that encouragement comes so sincerely and earnestly.  You have both already shown an incredible capacity to be that person for each other and I hope that as you grow you will continue to support and push empower one another but also your fellow classmates, friends, and peers.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #45

A little while back I was out with Andrew in the backyard.  We were playing baseball, well more like I was lobbing so he could swing an oversized Flintstone-esque bat at a whiffle ball (for those of a younger generation the Flintstones was a cartoon about the bungling hyjinks of a modern Stone Age family...see here).  Now I'll preface this by saying that Andrew has always possessed some pretty good hand eye coordination.  Before he was 2 he was hitting a ball with a golf club, baseball bat and/or a hockey stick.  What was different this time is that when he swung and missed, he dropped his head stood very still and said in a quiet voice, "I missed it Dad."  In the moment I was a bit shocked by his reaction to failure.  I responded by encouraging him to try again, that even the best hitters miss more often than they hit, and that the only way to get better is to keep trying.  Beyond all of this cliche advice I vocalized the importance of having fun...if your not having fun seemingly difficult tasks become next to impossible.  So we kept playing and his reaction to failure improved slightly but after a few misses he drifted back to the dejected and defeated.

What is especially striking is that already, failure and fear of failure is impacting his desire to try.  He wasn't even three years old and his need for success was more important than any other outcome of our playing together.  Adrienne and I have tried to create an environment where having fun and learning are at the heart of the boys lives.  We have been cautious in praising every little thing and are very much conscience of how celebration of success for one may make the other feel.  It's not about shielding them from competition or the hard realities of the world but more so about normalizing failure as a part of the learning process and delaying their need to "win."  Is competition important, yes, I think it is.  Is a desire to be the best important, yes, I think it is.  Does that outcome take precedent/priority over putting effort into something where you still have a skill to build/or develop, NO, I don't think it is.  Sadly, fear of failure is all to common among all ages.  I know I have battled this my entire life.  I have vivid memories of each time I have let somebody else down or my performance fell short.  I can remember that criticism almost word for word.  In some cases I can remember what I was wearing.  For example, thinking back, I can remember the name of the prof who gave me a D+ in 3rd year Finance...I can't remember the name of the prof who gave me an A in 4th year Organizational Behaviour.  So truthfully, the scars of failure run far deeper than the marks of success.  I had wished that this would be something we could avoid with James and Andrew, however, it appears that this will be an uphill battle.  Why? Because we live in a society that praises and recognizes the winner.  Failure is often not seen as a step toward success but rather something that the truly skilled overcome quickly or avoid all together.  We glorify high performers quickly focusing on the eventual outcome rather than everything that led to their success.  

I'm a downhill skier.  I took to the sport pretty late, after fear of both failure and pain had set in...something that those younger than I didn't have or did a better job of hiding.  As such, I have pushed myself a handful of times to try and ski moguls ("the bumps").  Each time I have turned out of the line for fear of falling, but really because I know I am not good at it.  If you are expecting a strong narrative of my overcoming that fear, then you will be disappointed...I still don't ski them.  I still have not dealt with that.  In other areas of my life, I am far more apt to take this on.  I am currently in a new position at work (in fact, it seems that I have been perpetually in new positions for much of the recent past) and over the past few months have been working through my fear of sounding incompetent or worse yet overconfident.  I read something very recently that helped, it was an article that explained how asking questions and seeking new knowledge helped you seem more capable to others.  Better yet, by acknowledging your own short comings and their expertise it can help build buy-in and further build relationships.  So now, as I am rediscovering my confidence and more willing to push myself to expand, I am certainly more reticent of my desire for perfection and how using that as a limiting factor can influence my growth and ultimately my success.

So my little men who through your very complex conversations make me laugh on a daily basis the thought from this experience is to make every effort to embrace failure as part of the journey.  Failure as a possibility shouldn't be a determining factor in trying something new or putting your heart into something you care about.  Everyone fails, that is a fact!  In fact, failure is a part of everyone's journey as a necessary step to success.  In fact, many would argue that if you haven't experienced failure than you are not pushing yourself hard enough.  I am hoping that as you grow that you can ignore the temporary pain of failure and use it as motivation to push on.  I am eager to see how you take on new challenges and would encourage you to do so with an open mind...one that is not predicated on your mastery of the subject but one your continued development.  I am also encouraged by my wish that maybe some of your enthusiasm and zeal will rub off on an old guy like your dad and push him to take on new things without fear of failure and worry playing such a major part in the narrative.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #44

Three years old.  To say that time flies is an understatement.  Wasn't it just yesterday that you were struggling to your feet and standing with wobbly admiration of your accomplishment.  I'm pretty sure that it was only a few weeks ago that you uttered your first words.  It certainly seems that it wasn't all that long ago that I white knuckled home from the hospital with the most precious cargo of my life in the back...apologies to anyone who was stuck behind me.  Over the last three years I have learned so much as I have watched you learn.  I have learned the joy found in an early morning laugh.  I have
discovered the critical importance of asking the "right question" to encourage your explanation.  I have found panic in a loud thump in the middle of the night and been challenged to just relax when I see you tumble, here you cough or hear your cry.  But above all, I have learned to be a better person and for this I say thank you.  

Not a day goes by where I don't look at you in admiration of who you are and what you will become. At first, I almost felt a little guilty about my feelings, after all there is an element of each proud papa that must come from a place of selfishness, almost as an artist looking over their masterful creation.  In truth however, I know that I cannot take a great deal of credit for all that I see.  I mean how much influence can one possibly have in a few short hours a day...your mother on the other hand should be quite proud of all that she has influenced.  I shouldn't feel guilty though because I am learning that that inkling of selfish pride comes not from what I am doing to build you up but what you are doing to build me.  This blog , as an example, started as an opportunity to share insights into life lessons that I could teach you but very quickly evolved into the lessons we are sharing as a part of our journey together.
So on your third birthday there is no life lesson, just a simple note of gratitude.  Thank you for being you, which is just what the world needed. Thank you for helping me grow into who I am.  Thank you for the journey thus far and for the steps we are about to take.
Love your very proud dad.