So this past Sunday was my first Father's Day as an actual Dad. I guess last year I was an expecting one, so that doesn't count. I figured it would be like any other Sunday, especially given that my sons aren't old enough to talk let alone make breakfast, mow the lawn or wash the car (all things that I did for my dad growing up). I was surprised at the level of emotion I felt on the actual day and how connected to the role of Dad I had become.
The week leading up to Father's Day I was travelling to two conferences for work. Luckily, both were close enough to home that I was able to commute daily, however, on the night of the end of conference banquet, I intended on and in fact stayed over to take advantage of the festivities. Looking back on it, Adrienne and I both feel that I could have stayed the other nights as well, but at the time of booking, things were still so up in the air that we played it safe. So, getting back to my previous point...the reason this was a big deal is that it was the first time since their birth that I spent longer than 24 hours away from James and Andrew. Now as the strong masculine figure in the house I imagine that this isn't supposed to be bothersome or even all that dramatic, but for me it definitely was. For much of the day I was so busy that I didn't really notice, but as dinner drifted into evening and later, I definitely started to feel the separation and as I lay down to close my eyes, I couldn't help but feel the missed smiles as I walked through the door, the sloppy after dinner grins and the good night kisses to end my day. So anyway, there I lay, staring up at a non-descript popcorn ceiling on an uncomfortable mattress with a pillow that makes the Sunday paper seem thick, thinking about my family a few hundred kilometers away. To help me deal with my feelings I started looking through pictures on my phone...I skimmed through photos dating back to the very first moments of James' and Andrew's lives right up until a few days prior to my leaving and a smile slowly crept onto my face. I drifted off to sleep, knowing that in a few short hours (or 12 hours) I would be heading home to the two greatest gifts ever.
Which brings me to Father's Day, a few days after I returned home. The day was perfect, the boys (or Adrienne) got me some great gifts including a World's Best Dad shirt with a picture of Darth Vader on it (I am such a geek) but more importantly it was the cuddliest day we've ever spent together. We played on the floor for hours, sat out on the lawn and for the most part just spent the day, altogether as a family. I truly felt like the luckiest man alive, which made the next day (Monday) even more challenging than normal...back to work, up early and out the door before they really wake up and return home for a few hours together before bed time.
So my little men who each day get bigger and brighter, I guess the lesson I would like to pass on is this: there will be times when you feel like you aren't supposed to feel the way that you do. Sometimes, this is because you feel guilty or remorse about a strong reaction to a situation. Other times it will be because you feel social pressure not to really come to terms with the emotions that are bubbling inside of you. At these times, it is important to be true to your feelings and let them run their course. If that is sadness, don't be scared to cry a little. If it is fear, don't be afraid to seek reassurance as you try to be brave. If it is remorse or guilt, don't be afraid to admit that your wrong. The important part in all of this is that you find yourself, in the end, knowing that you have been true to your self in the most authentic way possible. Remember that generalizations and social norms exist because of how others perceive the "average" experience of fellow humans, not because it is right or because it represents who you should be. In fact, you are far from average and it is my hope that you never think that you need to hide what you are feeling because you don't think that it is what you should feel. After all, being authentic and true to your feelings is often a far braver thing to do than holding back, dulling your senses and letting others dictate how you experience life and love.
Thanks for a wonderful first Father's Day.
Love Dad
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