It has been nine months since James and Andrew entered our world and, as I am sure all parents can attest to, time is flying by. It seems like only yesterday that I was leaving work and heading downtown to see my tiny little men in the NICU at Sunnybrook. As a new dad, what I have found is that often major milestones are happening during the day (when Andrew and James are the most alert and energized) and so routinely I have missed out on the first <fill in the blank here>. What this has also led to in an unnerving feeling that I am not connecting with my sons the way that I would like to. Ultimately, the challenge is that somebody has to work in order to pay the <fill in the blank here> and ensure that our family is currently safe and comfortable and that we have as many opportunities as possible in the future.
I put this out there as a revolutionary idea, but something to consider (not that I have done any of the economics behind it as I will leave the to those who may critique it and have a better understanding of those things. What if, instead of working right now, I could trade this time for time later in life. For example, like taking 5 years of pension and RRSP savings up front and then working an additional 5 years later to pay back the system...wouldn't this be an idea (especially given the fact that most people in our generation do not anticipate full retirement until late 60s early 70s)?!?! It certainly would be a bargain I would be willing to make! Anyhow, I digress from my initial intent of this post. The point of my post is that missing these things has left a mark on my own comprehension of my abilities as a father and in some ways challenges how I react when parenting, possibly overcompensating for some slight twinge that I feel in my soul every time I walk out the door in the morning or get a glowing text about what amazing thing has happened in my absence.
I have heard about mother's guilt, and again, I don't presume to suppose that what I am discussing is in anyway equivalent, but I am simply saying it exists. Recently, this guilt reared its head during play time. Adrienne was out running errands and so I was entertaining both James and Andrew on the family room floor. We were carrying on quite well, giggling and smiling, the boys doing their best to share toys while dad did his best to share his attention. Then things turned. I got up to stretch my legs (apparently the ability to sit cross legged is something that you lose sometime after high school) and bonk, down went James. Now the logical me says, that was one of many bumps, bruises and bonks that there will be in his life, but as the tears welled up into his eyes, so to did that feeling of guilt. If I only get to spend x hours with my sons I don't want them to be painful hours...how could I let this happen...he is so upset, and as I comforted him and wiped the tears from his eyes, I couldn't help feeling that I had let him down. Again, the logical me knows this won't be the only time that I feel this way, but the first time it happens I can honestly say is heartbreaking. Now when Adrienne came home and I had a chance to share my story I quickly came to realize that this wasn't his first tumble, and that in fact, my wife was dealing with her own emotions around guilt and letting them down on a far more frequent basis. At the time, this was a small consolation for my bruised psyche or James' equally bruised noggin.
So my little men, I guess the lesson to be learned is this: no matter how hard you try to be there, you won't always be able to catch someone you care about before they fall. In reflecting on this situation, I can now see that at least I was there to comfort and hold you when I wasn't able to prevent something bad from happening. In fact, at certain points in your life, this will be a far more valuable point of intervention and support than preventing the fall in the first place. Some people believe that life is a collection of moments, but I would argue that it goes beyond a collection as each of these moments is interwoven in a way that when perceived from afar or in retrospect make it challenging to discern the individual moments from the grand mosaic of the whole experience. So, while I endeavour to be there for you during all of your moments, reality is that there will be times when I can't be and that perhaps, rather than dwell on that and lose sight of the greater purpose, it is more important to focus on all of the moments that we co-create and how they contribute to our bigger picture.
Love, Dad
Awesome post Ian - I completely remember the first time one of the boys fell on my watch... so much guilt!! Now it's a daily occurance and I've come to realize it's part of the learning curve for little ones, to recognize their limits and adjust accordingly.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment Mel. It's certainly something that I am getting used to...after all surrounding them in bubble wrap or tying pillows around their body just doesn't seem overly practical ;).
DeleteCole has taken his falls, but you can't beat yourself up over it... I hear stories all the time from my co-workers who all have kids 0-4yrs. I can see where the guilt might come in, we've both had our moments of guilt when Cole has taken a fall, you would like to think you can be at your kids side for every fall they'll take in like... in a way I see it as my duty as a father.
ReplyDeleteBut somethings things will happen, and it's noone's fault. All you can do is just be there for them when they do fall. Take care.
I completely agree...for me, I think the guilty feelings are compounded by my other commitments and the fact that I only have so much time with them...you almost wish that it could be perfect, but that's not reality.
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