Life Lesson for my Little Men #41

My apologies first off because this post will come across as a bit of a rant, however, I think the topic is valuable, so you will have to put up with it.  Recently, there has been a fair amount of chatter about productivity and success.  Lists and compendiums of habits or efforts of people who have been defined as successful based in their wealth/influence (which are often conflated to be the same) serve as Linkedin fodder and abound endlessly on the internet and social media. Working a 16+ hour day is worn as a badge of honour and is often touted as being the road to success.  But here in lies the problem, in my view there is an incredible amount of unspoken privilege in this discussion.  For example, there are many folk in this world who work 16 hour days who have no hope of being "successful". In the western world we hear constantly of people working two jobs just to pay rent, and they aren't doing so in a way that pays homage to the gods of capitalism (who started with a penny and are now millionaires), they are doing so as a part of a seemingly never ending spiral of survival.  Outside of the privileged parts of our world, this s theory, that working hard results in financial success, is even more unrealistic as people paid below subsistence wages work endless hours to create the shirts that we can buy for $20 at the local mall. This notion of financial success coming as a direct result of hard work does however fit in nicely with the traditional narrative of those who have bought into the notion of the free market.  The poor are poor because they don't work hard enough and if they just worked harder they would no longer be poor or need support.  

Also, let's just examine this notion of success.  I am one who doesn't work an official 16 hour day.  Number one, I can't.  I have two little men who count on me, not just to put a roof over their head but also to be there, and I recognize the privilege that I have in being able to make that decision.  Secondly, it's about how you define success. My definition is more closely tied to the sons I am raising and less to the $$$ in my bank account, the car I drive, or my investment income.  You may in fact value different things, and so what I would ask is let's end this guilt trip we place on each other.  I won't judge your choice and you won't judge mine recognizing that life is about choices, sacrifices and outcomes.  The mere fact that we have power in any of these factors is a function of the power and privilege we have been afforded and has little to do with our value as a person.  

So my little men, as you grow to recognize what exists around us I hope you see not only the effort that is made to be "successful" but that the outcome tied to that effort is a function of not just hard work but privilege.  I also hope that you see the value in arriving at your own definition of success and that it comes from what fulfills you as a person.  Life is too short to tie your value and worth to what is considered normative by others.  Model your life after those you admire not just based on their bottom-lines but their level of happiness and for goodness sake don't brag about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's important to be proud of who you are and how you live your life, but is equally important to recognize that having a choice is a privilege that not everyone has and that your decision is no better than those around you. 

Love,

Dad.

PS - Despite what you may believe, I do not keep my guitar pic inside my guitar...

Twinisms

So I created a new page to highlight some of the more common things that we talk about in our household.  Some are quite surprising, others I think are pretty standard, however, I am still always amazed at the frequency with which some of these things are said.  I'll be updating it often so keep checking back.

Check it out here

Life Lesson for My Little Men #40

So I am a worrywart.  Always have been.  Most of my life, I was the cautious one in the room, taking my time to do things that friends would do with reckless abandon.  Being a dad has in ways magnified this.  I know what folks will say and the realist in me constantly repeats in my head "you can't spend your whole life worried about what will happen to you, or worse, them."  However, all the efforts of my partner, family, friends or realistic Ian still leave me alone in a place of anxiety about what I cannot prevent.  Before you go thinking I am paranoid or over protective I'll stop you, because I am not, in fact rarely had my worry translated into action.

For example, we have a curved set of stairs in our house (hardwood) which are outfitted with a baby gate at the top, however, Adrienne and I made a conscious decision to teach James and Andrew how to use the stairs at an early age.  Recognizing we wouldn't always be there to hold hands or carry, this was an important skill for them to master.  This was not a flawless approach and there were some small tumbles, nothing permanently bruised or damaged and now they move up and down freely.

Recently though this worry is manifesting itself in my conscious and unconscious thoughts. Yesterday as an example we were playing ball hockey in our shared drive (me standing at the bottom retrieving errant shots (which happens a fair amount when the sticks are in the hands of 2.5 year olds).  As I retrieved a ball from behind our neighbour's cargo van, Andrew followed and I felt the need to stop him and tell him to never walk behind the van.  I know that this one moment in time will not stick in his memory and that our role as parents when they are this young is to set them up for success in a way that doesn't require decision making that is beyond their stage of development, but the vision in my head was of my neighbour reversing over my son and me not being able to stop it (not that our neighbour is reckless or doesn't have two little ones of his own).   I share this story as a reflection opportunity in an effort to help me or anyone else understand the struggle between what I know and what I feel.

So my little men who are blowing my mind each day with what you are learning, I guess the lesson is this: there are times when worry and caution are important and it is important to recognize and think about why you are feeling anxious, after all it is a survival technique.  Try not to let it dominate your experiences and keep you sheltered from things that will open your mind and your eyes.  As you navigate the world, it is entirely possible that anxiety, stress, and worry overcome everything else.  In these moments, I hope that you will have people in your life who will support you and empower you to cope and persist.  I also hope that you can include me in that group but will try and understand that this may not be the case all of the time.

Love always, 

Dad

PS - thank you so much for letting me be Fred from Scooby Doo, I always thought his ascot was so cool!

Life Lesson For My Little Men #39

Recently, I have noticed a huge increase in the imaginative play that both James and Andrew are taking part in.  Some of the funniest dialogue comes out of these experiences.  For example, last night Andrew said in the most serious tone "I REALLY want to paint" while holding paint brush and dipping it in an empty bottle and spreading it on the floor.  Routinely now, stuffed animals have been renamed to be characters in favourite books or movies and we have begun to play doctor's office (not doctor, but doctor's office - the difference lies in the all of the actions leading up to the actual appointment, like registering at the desk, getting weighed, etc. vs. what is normally portrayed).  I am such a huge fan of the boys being creative and exploring the reaches of their imagination.  In a world in which we are often held in check by the limitations of reality and told to get our heads out of the clouds, there is something truly rewarding about watching these two lives seek out limitless imagination and dreams. 

On the less exhilarating side of this same discussion is the fact that quite regularly Adrienne and I (reluctantly or are mandated to) assume the roles of a character in some story.  This has sometimes worked in our favour, like the time she was Ariel and I was Prince Eric (Little Mermaid) but other times less so.  My favourite thus far has been Jasper and Horace (the bumbling villains from 101 Dalmations).  Adrienne was decidedly given the role of Jasper the tall, thin and reluctant brains of the operation while yours truly was told in no uncertain terms that I was Horace (shorter, plumper and dimmer).  Whatever, how long can this last, an hour or two...no big deal, right!  Oh No! It still pops up, every now and then, at obscure moments...

Imagination is an amazing thing my little men.  The ability to truly dream big, think beyond the boundaries of what seems to be reality and what is possible is something that I hope you never lose.  I used to do a presentation on the importance of having dreams beyond just the rational goals that we are taught are important and I truly believe this.  The world needs people who dream bug and use their imagination and creativity to go beyond what has been defined as limits.  You are off to a great start.  Keep playing, singing, creating, and dreaming but perhaps more importantly please keep sharing with the world what those ideas and dreams are.

Love Always,

Horace AKA Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #38

Micro-Lesson:  Details are important.  I am learning just how important each day when one of you argues with the other about just how to pronounce Heffalump...or is it Huffleplump?!?! Or when I read the last line on a page of a book as "here", when the word is "there" and you tell me "No Daddy, it is 'Get out of there,' not get out of HERE!," even though "here" kinda made sense too...

In life, details are important but so is being able to paint in broad strokes, I am glad you are picking up on details but wish that sometimes you were both just a little less persistent (or hostile) about it!

I will endeavour to help you see the beauty in context and concept and I hope you continue to challenge me on the details, nicely of course.

Love,

Dad

Life Lessons for my Little Men #37 - the Series

To date, I have spent time writing on major moments or lessons learned from said moments, however, I have decided to get the writing ball rolling and stay true to all that I am learning or teaching that I need something faster and easier to write and hopefully a shorter read.  So, over the next month or so, I will endeavour to post several micro lessons a week...get ready for the fun and thanks for reading!!!

Today's Lesson:  Things are not always seen in the way that you intended.  Today I was informed that the Canadian Tire Logo is in fact a strawberry.  Apart from the annual sale of jam making supplies or a poorly thought out car air freshner, I am pretty sure nothing at Canadian Tire resembles a strawberry, except obviously, the logo.


Go Canada Go!

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #36

A couple of days ago we all took the train downtown to the Royal Ontario Museum.  Okay that's not entirely true.  The purpose if the trip was initially to do some last minute shopping and see the holiday decor an store windows.  An ice storm delayed the original adventure. The secondary trip was to take the train, a vehicle that James and Andrew share an obsession for.  The museum was really fillet until the first train heads home at 4 o'clock. 

The trip was an incredible one.  It was an incredibly cold morning so we all had our heavy coats on but the frigid air did not impact out enthusiasm for traveling on the train.  As the train pulled into the station the boys chattered away about the sounds and sights and through out the ride in they sat in awe.
Next step was a quick trip up the subway from Union Station to the ROM.  Now this was not our first subway trip (in fact both James and Andrew do a pretty goo impression of the door closing chime) and so I was a little surprised at the sudden fear expressed by James as the train approached.  We boarded without incident (which is a feat in itself lugging two boys in strollers with all the necessary accoutrement for a day in the city).

At the museum we toured around  the floor and looked at the dinosaur statues.  Again our ears were willed with chatter about the skeletal structures we stood in front of.  Chatter that was a mixture of wonder and fear.  We reassured them that the Dinosaurs would not come get them and were just bones.  After a couple of hours touring the museum we were ready for lunch and a meander back to our train ride home.  As we traipsed through the streets and down to the Eaton's Centre we dropped a tiny Santa figuring that James was holding (this is not incredibly relevant except that it is something that all parents experience when traveling with toddlers).  At the Eaton's Centre we admired the tall reindeer sculptures that make up the holiday decor (there is something about 20 ft tall statues filled with multicoloured lights that is less threatening than 20 ft tall dinosaurs).
Once back on the platform for the train James and Andrew began recounting the day and discussing with great anticipation the arrival of our train.  As it pulled into the station the same expression of fear came across James' face as in the subway earlier and as dad reassured him the train would stay on the tracks he held onto my bent knees and leaned hard against my chest. On the train we drifted back into our natural high from a day spent in the city and riding the train.  Andrew, now an experienced rail-man directed the Conductor or Customer Service Represented as to when to close the doors while informing fellow passengers how much time was left until departure. What a day!   What an adventure!
The lesson I learned today is that big things are scary, and that's okay.  Even things that we look forward to with great anticipation can challenge our ability to cope and manage.  I think of my own life and the number of major changes I have managed both professionally and personally and I know that fear was always a very present emotion.  Unlike as a child, that fear is more often than not centered on a self derived notion of failure.  I say self-derived because I have normally been the one to make assumptions or set objectives related to my ability to cope, adapt and succeed.  All this is to say that as we grow older we find different way to manage our fear, but we should be mindful that it is still there.  So my little men, remember that fear is a very natural reaction when experiencing major change or big things.  Managing it will be different depending on the situation but one piece that should remain pretty constant is that you shouldn't feel the need to hide it out of shame or concern about perception. Staying true to yourself an genuine in your actions means reconciling an being okay with all sides of your being an fear, will be a part of that being.  As you grow the things you are scared of will change and shift  and so, you will find different ways to manage your fears.  Please remember that both your parents will always be there to listen and support you, regardless of what it is that might seem scary.
Love dad.
PS - Dad is still really scared of heights or more appropriately falling from them.