Life Lesson for My Little Men #42

As a University Student Affairs professional, I feel like I have had plenty of training and lived experiences that have made the transition to parenting easier.  It's funny how the two worlds collide, not in a denigrating way to the students I work with, I just think drawing parallels in how development happens is interesting and can offer valuable insight.  In both lives I have discussed behaviour and consequence, impact vs intent, empathetic listening and behaviour, and the importance of a healthy/balanced lifestyle.  In both worlds I have been exposed to challenging and complex situations, sometimes involving vomit, which take a team approach to resolving.

Recently, both James and Andrew are having some issues understanding the concept of consent (and why shouldn't they, they are only two).  Often, Adrienne and I find ourselves intervening in a battle for a toy, shirt, cup, etc. after one of the young fellows has decided to simply take it from his brother.  We encourage dialogue and discussion and for them to express their frustrations without violence (sometimes successfully).  Usually the conversation looks something like:

James (v.v.): Andrew, can I have ______.
Andrew (v.v.): No, not yet
James then reaches and takes ______
Andrew yells and gets angry
Mom or dad: gentleman what has happened?
Andrew continues yelling and once calm says: James took ______
Mom and dad: James why did you take it
James: because I wanted it
Mom and Dad: I understand you wanted to play with it but can you
explain how you taking it makes Andrew feel.
James: it makes Andrew sad...

Now what is interesting is that sometimes they will come right out and identify the impact of their behaviour before being prompted which means on reflection they get it...but in the moment, they forget.  Sowe continue to work, developing empathy that will hopefully appear more proactively the next time.

The parallels to my work with young adults in this topic is spot on. Students (particularly young men) struggle immensely with the concept of consent, often with much more dire consequences.  Similarly, they are able to identify the hurt/impact in their actions after the fact but this ability often falls short in the moment.  None of this is meant to compare the cognitive abilities of my 2 year old sons with that of the students I work with.  It is, however, to argue that we may need to start addressing this issue far earlier.  Which leads me to my next question, how do you reinforce and educate a toddler about the
importance of consent in healthy relationships and in turn how do you teach them that they need to be vocal about it?  I think it is incredibly important to teach them empathy and understanding.  I also think it is important to build in them the efficacy and confidence to be strong in their feelings and decisions and to make that decision known.  Lastly, in encouraging dialogue, I think we can demonstrate how important communication is in truly understanding the other person, their wishes and how respect and value is far more important than short term desires and needs.

So my little men, as you begin to understand more and more about those around you, it is important that you learn to see the value of healthy relationships with others.  This starts with finding value in yourself and recognizing the value of people around you.  The importance of understanding consent is extremely important as you continue to grow.  Recognizing that it is important for you to say no if you don't want to do something and that it is equally important that you wait for an enthusiastic yes from others before you act.  There will be many times when you won't get what you want when you want it and that's okay because in the end the value of another's consent is of absolute impotance.  It seems easy to understand, if the answer isn't "Yes, I would love to share that with you..." then the answer is "no" however, at different times there will be contexts and situations which may confuse you or someone around you.  In these moments, it is important that you stop, think, listen, and observe before you act.  That act may be stepping in to help someone, stepping back to take stock and be patient, or taking the next step.  And when in doubt...ask again, with all the empathy, sincerity and authenticity that you have in your mind, soul and heart.

Love Dad

PS - It's super cute that you wear my work shoes around the house and pretend you are going to work...it's a little less cute at 7 am when daddy is half awake and late for his train and only one shoe is at the front door.

PPS - the amount of time you have to eat your ice cream is a function of the consistency of the ice cream, the ambient temperature of your environment, and whether or not you decided to bite a hole in the bottom of the cone!

Life Lesson for my Little Men #41

My apologies first off because this post will come across as a bit of a rant, however, I think the topic is valuable, so you will have to put up with it.  Recently, there has been a fair amount of chatter about productivity and success.  Lists and compendiums of habits or efforts of people who have been defined as successful based in their wealth/influence (which are often conflated to be the same) serve as Linkedin fodder and abound endlessly on the internet and social media. Working a 16+ hour day is worn as a badge of honour and is often touted as being the road to success.  But here in lies the problem, in my view there is an incredible amount of unspoken privilege in this discussion.  For example, there are many folk in this world who work 16 hour days who have no hope of being "successful". In the western world we hear constantly of people working two jobs just to pay rent, and they aren't doing so in a way that pays homage to the gods of capitalism (who started with a penny and are now millionaires), they are doing so as a part of a seemingly never ending spiral of survival.  Outside of the privileged parts of our world, this s theory, that working hard results in financial success, is even more unrealistic as people paid below subsistence wages work endless hours to create the shirts that we can buy for $20 at the local mall. This notion of financial success coming as a direct result of hard work does however fit in nicely with the traditional narrative of those who have bought into the notion of the free market.  The poor are poor because they don't work hard enough and if they just worked harder they would no longer be poor or need support.  

Also, let's just examine this notion of success.  I am one who doesn't work an official 16 hour day.  Number one, I can't.  I have two little men who count on me, not just to put a roof over their head but also to be there, and I recognize the privilege that I have in being able to make that decision.  Secondly, it's about how you define success. My definition is more closely tied to the sons I am raising and less to the $$$ in my bank account, the car I drive, or my investment income.  You may in fact value different things, and so what I would ask is let's end this guilt trip we place on each other.  I won't judge your choice and you won't judge mine recognizing that life is about choices, sacrifices and outcomes.  The mere fact that we have power in any of these factors is a function of the power and privilege we have been afforded and has little to do with our value as a person.  

So my little men, as you grow to recognize what exists around us I hope you see not only the effort that is made to be "successful" but that the outcome tied to that effort is a function of not just hard work but privilege.  I also hope that you see the value in arriving at your own definition of success and that it comes from what fulfills you as a person.  Life is too short to tie your value and worth to what is considered normative by others.  Model your life after those you admire not just based on their bottom-lines but their level of happiness and for goodness sake don't brag about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's important to be proud of who you are and how you live your life, but is equally important to recognize that having a choice is a privilege that not everyone has and that your decision is no better than those around you. 

Love,

Dad.

PS - Despite what you may believe, I do not keep my guitar pic inside my guitar...

Twinisms

So I created a new page to highlight some of the more common things that we talk about in our household.  Some are quite surprising, others I think are pretty standard, however, I am still always amazed at the frequency with which some of these things are said.  I'll be updating it often so keep checking back.

Check it out here

Life Lesson for My Little Men #40

So I am a worrywart.  Always have been.  Most of my life, I was the cautious one in the room, taking my time to do things that friends would do with reckless abandon.  Being a dad has in ways magnified this.  I know what folks will say and the realist in me constantly repeats in my head "you can't spend your whole life worried about what will happen to you, or worse, them."  However, all the efforts of my partner, family, friends or realistic Ian still leave me alone in a place of anxiety about what I cannot prevent.  Before you go thinking I am paranoid or over protective I'll stop you, because I am not, in fact rarely had my worry translated into action.

For example, we have a curved set of stairs in our house (hardwood) which are outfitted with a baby gate at the top, however, Adrienne and I made a conscious decision to teach James and Andrew how to use the stairs at an early age.  Recognizing we wouldn't always be there to hold hands or carry, this was an important skill for them to master.  This was not a flawless approach and there were some small tumbles, nothing permanently bruised or damaged and now they move up and down freely.

Recently though this worry is manifesting itself in my conscious and unconscious thoughts. Yesterday as an example we were playing ball hockey in our shared drive (me standing at the bottom retrieving errant shots (which happens a fair amount when the sticks are in the hands of 2.5 year olds).  As I retrieved a ball from behind our neighbour's cargo van, Andrew followed and I felt the need to stop him and tell him to never walk behind the van.  I know that this one moment in time will not stick in his memory and that our role as parents when they are this young is to set them up for success in a way that doesn't require decision making that is beyond their stage of development, but the vision in my head was of my neighbour reversing over my son and me not being able to stop it (not that our neighbour is reckless or doesn't have two little ones of his own).   I share this story as a reflection opportunity in an effort to help me or anyone else understand the struggle between what I know and what I feel.

So my little men who are blowing my mind each day with what you are learning, I guess the lesson is this: there are times when worry and caution are important and it is important to recognize and think about why you are feeling anxious, after all it is a survival technique.  Try not to let it dominate your experiences and keep you sheltered from things that will open your mind and your eyes.  As you navigate the world, it is entirely possible that anxiety, stress, and worry overcome everything else.  In these moments, I hope that you will have people in your life who will support you and empower you to cope and persist.  I also hope that you can include me in that group but will try and understand that this may not be the case all of the time.

Love always, 

Dad

PS - thank you so much for letting me be Fred from Scooby Doo, I always thought his ascot was so cool!

Life Lesson For My Little Men #39

Recently, I have noticed a huge increase in the imaginative play that both James and Andrew are taking part in.  Some of the funniest dialogue comes out of these experiences.  For example, last night Andrew said in the most serious tone "I REALLY want to paint" while holding paint brush and dipping it in an empty bottle and spreading it on the floor.  Routinely now, stuffed animals have been renamed to be characters in favourite books or movies and we have begun to play doctor's office (not doctor, but doctor's office - the difference lies in the all of the actions leading up to the actual appointment, like registering at the desk, getting weighed, etc. vs. what is normally portrayed).  I am such a huge fan of the boys being creative and exploring the reaches of their imagination.  In a world in which we are often held in check by the limitations of reality and told to get our heads out of the clouds, there is something truly rewarding about watching these two lives seek out limitless imagination and dreams. 

On the less exhilarating side of this same discussion is the fact that quite regularly Adrienne and I (reluctantly or are mandated to) assume the roles of a character in some story.  This has sometimes worked in our favour, like the time she was Ariel and I was Prince Eric (Little Mermaid) but other times less so.  My favourite thus far has been Jasper and Horace (the bumbling villains from 101 Dalmations).  Adrienne was decidedly given the role of Jasper the tall, thin and reluctant brains of the operation while yours truly was told in no uncertain terms that I was Horace (shorter, plumper and dimmer).  Whatever, how long can this last, an hour or two...no big deal, right!  Oh No! It still pops up, every now and then, at obscure moments...

Imagination is an amazing thing my little men.  The ability to truly dream big, think beyond the boundaries of what seems to be reality and what is possible is something that I hope you never lose.  I used to do a presentation on the importance of having dreams beyond just the rational goals that we are taught are important and I truly believe this.  The world needs people who dream bug and use their imagination and creativity to go beyond what has been defined as limits.  You are off to a great start.  Keep playing, singing, creating, and dreaming but perhaps more importantly please keep sharing with the world what those ideas and dreams are.

Love Always,

Horace AKA Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #38

Micro-Lesson:  Details are important.  I am learning just how important each day when one of you argues with the other about just how to pronounce Heffalump...or is it Huffleplump?!?! Or when I read the last line on a page of a book as "here", when the word is "there" and you tell me "No Daddy, it is 'Get out of there,' not get out of HERE!," even though "here" kinda made sense too...

In life, details are important but so is being able to paint in broad strokes, I am glad you are picking up on details but wish that sometimes you were both just a little less persistent (or hostile) about it!

I will endeavour to help you see the beauty in context and concept and I hope you continue to challenge me on the details, nicely of course.

Love,

Dad

Life Lessons for my Little Men #37 - the Series

To date, I have spent time writing on major moments or lessons learned from said moments, however, I have decided to get the writing ball rolling and stay true to all that I am learning or teaching that I need something faster and easier to write and hopefully a shorter read.  So, over the next month or so, I will endeavour to post several micro lessons a week...get ready for the fun and thanks for reading!!!

Today's Lesson:  Things are not always seen in the way that you intended.  Today I was informed that the Canadian Tire Logo is in fact a strawberry.  Apart from the annual sale of jam making supplies or a poorly thought out car air freshner, I am pretty sure nothing at Canadian Tire resembles a strawberry, except obviously, the logo.


Go Canada Go!

Dad