Life Lessons for my Little Men #37 - the Series

To date, I have spent time writing on major moments or lessons learned from said moments, however, I have decided to get the writing ball rolling and stay true to all that I am learning or teaching that I need something faster and easier to write and hopefully a shorter read.  So, over the next month or so, I will endeavour to post several micro lessons a week...get ready for the fun and thanks for reading!!!

Today's Lesson:  Things are not always seen in the way that you intended.  Today I was informed that the Canadian Tire Logo is in fact a strawberry.  Apart from the annual sale of jam making supplies or a poorly thought out car air freshner, I am pretty sure nothing at Canadian Tire resembles a strawberry, except obviously, the logo.


Go Canada Go!

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #36

A couple of days ago we all took the train downtown to the Royal Ontario Museum.  Okay that's not entirely true.  The purpose if the trip was initially to do some last minute shopping and see the holiday decor an store windows.  An ice storm delayed the original adventure. The secondary trip was to take the train, a vehicle that James and Andrew share an obsession for.  The museum was really fillet until the first train heads home at 4 o'clock. 

The trip was an incredible one.  It was an incredibly cold morning so we all had our heavy coats on but the frigid air did not impact out enthusiasm for traveling on the train.  As the train pulled into the station the boys chattered away about the sounds and sights and through out the ride in they sat in awe.
Next step was a quick trip up the subway from Union Station to the ROM.  Now this was not our first subway trip (in fact both James and Andrew do a pretty goo impression of the door closing chime) and so I was a little surprised at the sudden fear expressed by James as the train approached.  We boarded without incident (which is a feat in itself lugging two boys in strollers with all the necessary accoutrement for a day in the city).

At the museum we toured around  the floor and looked at the dinosaur statues.  Again our ears were willed with chatter about the skeletal structures we stood in front of.  Chatter that was a mixture of wonder and fear.  We reassured them that the Dinosaurs would not come get them and were just bones.  After a couple of hours touring the museum we were ready for lunch and a meander back to our train ride home.  As we traipsed through the streets and down to the Eaton's Centre we dropped a tiny Santa figuring that James was holding (this is not incredibly relevant except that it is something that all parents experience when traveling with toddlers).  At the Eaton's Centre we admired the tall reindeer sculptures that make up the holiday decor (there is something about 20 ft tall statues filled with multicoloured lights that is less threatening than 20 ft tall dinosaurs).
Once back on the platform for the train James and Andrew began recounting the day and discussing with great anticipation the arrival of our train.  As it pulled into the station the same expression of fear came across James' face as in the subway earlier and as dad reassured him the train would stay on the tracks he held onto my bent knees and leaned hard against my chest. On the train we drifted back into our natural high from a day spent in the city and riding the train.  Andrew, now an experienced rail-man directed the Conductor or Customer Service Represented as to when to close the doors while informing fellow passengers how much time was left until departure. What a day!   What an adventure!
The lesson I learned today is that big things are scary, and that's okay.  Even things that we look forward to with great anticipation can challenge our ability to cope and manage.  I think of my own life and the number of major changes I have managed both professionally and personally and I know that fear was always a very present emotion.  Unlike as a child, that fear is more often than not centered on a self derived notion of failure.  I say self-derived because I have normally been the one to make assumptions or set objectives related to my ability to cope, adapt and succeed.  All this is to say that as we grow older we find different way to manage our fear, but we should be mindful that it is still there.  So my little men, remember that fear is a very natural reaction when experiencing major change or big things.  Managing it will be different depending on the situation but one piece that should remain pretty constant is that you shouldn't feel the need to hide it out of shame or concern about perception. Staying true to yourself an genuine in your actions means reconciling an being okay with all sides of your being an fear, will be a part of that being.  As you grow the things you are scared of will change and shift  and so, you will find different ways to manage your fears.  Please remember that both your parents will always be there to listen and support you, regardless of what it is that might seem scary.
Love dad.
PS - Dad is still really scared of heights or more appropriately falling from them.

Life Lesson for my Little Men #35

This time of year marks a pretty important time in my annual calendar.  As somebody who works with and educates university students, it marks the beginning of another academic year.  As the father of James and Andrew, it represents the anniversary of them entering our lives.  All in all, the last week of August/first week of September is an inherently busy time in my life.  This year has been no different, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Each September I have the fortune of experiencing the same renewal that many feel during the new year.  It's a time of promise, of ending reflection and beginning to take action (not that action wasn't required in the lead up, it's just moved up in the priority list), and perhaps most importantly it's a time of seemingly endless energy, spark, and enthusiasm.  Each September marks a new beginning.  An opportunity for new students to experience an institution for the first time.  An opportunity for returning students to renew their passion and reach for their potential.  An opportunity for graduating students to round the final bend and raise their hands in recognition.  An opportunity for me to ride on the coat tails of this spirit in reaching a few of my own goals.  What I have learned over the last decade of doing this work is that by far the most important aspect of my job (and the part that I find most rewarding) is supporting students in realizing their dreams.  For each person this is entirely different and involves taking time to listen but also placing priority on being present and available.

 This September, a great deal of attention has been paid in the media to events occurring at various post-secondary institutions around the country.  I thought it may be important to reflect and express my thoughts as somebody who has spent the better part of my adult life involved in the transition of new students to university.  First off, I am not surprised that inappropriate chants and activities have come to the attention of the media.  This is in no way a condoning statement but in fact is just the unfortunate reality on campuses today.  In my experience working with students on planning orientation activities it is rare that students do not understand the gravity of the message, however, how that understanding translates into action is quite the opposite.  This is especially true when the words "tradition" come into play.  You would be amazed at how often "we have always done that" is used to excuse behaviour that in all other aspects is vile and reprehensible.  However, in my opinion that's precisely why it is important that students play a role in planning and implementing these activities...the conversation that is had with an educated professional and the learning occurs during that conversation.  In today's world of higher education, it is increasingly important that students are exposed to learning beyond the classroom and that this learning consist of more than simply practical opportunities to apply what they have learned in class...why? Because there is an incredible amount that they are not taught as a part of the curriculum.  This is even more the case in non-liberal arts programs.  Truthfully, if not for exposure to these concepts through extra-curricular involvement, most students are left on their own...or in the hands of peers and media to form opinions on an incredible number of topics that one might consider important to our society's future (diversity, healthy sexual relationships, the sustainability of the environment, etc.)  I often point to my own education as a case example.  When I attended university for my undergraduate degree in business, we had a quarter credit devoted to ethics in business...out of 20 credits.  Now I could have taken elective courses as a part of that 20 which would have contributed to my understanding of ethical behaviour, however, the option was mine.  I hope you see the challenge that this represents.

When done right, university orientation should be a time of connection, finding one's place (belonging), academic adjustment, resource building, discovery and exploration, and most importantly safe and inclusive.  The fact that incidents like those mentioned in the article linked above exist should not be met with outright condemnation of the events or students involved.  It should, however, lead us to ask the questions about how we can make changes and use this as a learning opportunity.  I don't in anyway begrudge the media attention that has been directed to these incidents, nor am I "siding" with the students...I don't feel that this has been blown out of proportion.  I do think that this conversation needed to happen and I am encouraged by the dialogue it has created.  In the end, these are mistakes that young people make...not excusable by any means, but evident of a larger issue facing us, the education and development of our youth.

So my little men, who are busy learning how to put words into sentences, this message is very timely and deviates from the normal lessons I have for you as it is not derived from your current behaviour or my reflections on your growth.  My hope is that as you grow, you will take the opportunity to learn the importance of valuing others...and not just those that you know but also those you don't.  If we (society) could truly find a way to equate the value of ALL then the attitudes expressed in misogynistic, hetero-normative, racist and insensitive chants and behaviour should not be an issue.  In today's world, we are surrounded with messages about the value that we can place on things (material things, social services, economic development, sustainability), however what is often absent is the message about the value we place on every living thing we interact with.  That value, so you are aware, is beyond all measures of physical wealth and should be what helps ground you.  I choose that word (ground) because it is often too easy to have your own values challenged and diluted by the actions of your peers.  In these times, when things start to go awry or feel "icky" it is important that you take a stand, express your concern, and assist and support the learning process.  If that is something you don't feel safe doing, then my hope would be that you have somebody that you feel comfortable telling and asking for help...heck, it could be me. 

Love always,

Dad

PS - I love our wrestling/bouncing escapades...however, on a full stomach I am not sure that the outcome is what you desire (consider this fair warning)

Life Lesson for my Little Men #34

So James and Andrew are about 21 months old.  The saying goes something like "Time flies when you are having fun..." truthfully, I think time flies regardless of the level of fun one is having.  Being the father of twin boys, time seems to have hit the accelerator of late...it seems each day, I come home and we have learned a new word, taken up colouring or found a way to turn ordinary kleenex into confetti.  It is truly awe inspiring, but also just a little bit frightening.

See 21 months ago, we were spending time in the hospital with a million and one questions about what was next.  And while we were certainly preoccupied with the near future and the health of our two little preemies (which seemed to hang by a thread...), my mind would wander to what will the lasting impact be.  Will they always be small? Will they always be behind?  Will there be any lingering health issues? So many questions and no real answer but to be patient and wait.  Now almost two years later, I am happy to say that they have pretty much caught up.  Cognitively, they have picked a great deal of language and are associating one word with another.  For example, they know the difference between Grandpa and Opa but they also know that they are similar in terms of their relationships with the boys.  They are getting bigger and stronger and as you recall from my last post learning how to misbehave and do so with a big smile on their faces.  Over the last little while it has been amazing to see them begin to interact more and recognize the order of things.  Each night, we follow a similar routine, upstairs for pre-bath streaking, bath time, diaper and pyjama wrestling, story time (a new favourite is Llama, Llama Red Pyjama), kisses and I love you(s) and then bed.  If any of these things happen out of order, both James and Andrew will intuitively skip to the next step...we haven't gotten to the point where they will identify the missed step but I am sure that is coming.  Evidently we truly are creatures of habit...and we pick them up at a very young age.

So my little and at times very boisterous young men the lesson from this post is this habit and routine are important structures in our lives.  In many ways, they remove some questions and decisions from the daily deluge of information and choices that we face.  On the other hand, our tendency to desire routine and habit can be detrimental to trying new things or continuing to do damaging things.  As you grow, you will have many opportunities to find the right balance of routine and spontaneity, it is important that you learn to embrace both.  As with many things in life, leaning to one tendency too much will create imbalance and stress and can lead situations where you feel out of your depth.  I am constantly amazed by your ability to learn new things and I am excited to see you grow further.  Right now, everything is learning.  You are learning habits, routines, spontaneity and new knowledge...the doors are wide open...your challenge will be to keep them that way...keep seeking new things...keep curiousity in your heart...keep trying new things...keep an open mind...Life's journey after all is about experiencing as much as you can when you can...and when you can't or need a retreat...that's when you will have routine and habit to help keep it all manageable.  To quote Dr. Seuss "Life is a great balancing act," however it is important to note and remember that where that balance point lies is deeply personal.

Love

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #33

Recently we have started to see a change in many things.  At a little over a year and half (corrected) both James and Andrew are right where they should be developmentally.  The words are coming more and more every day; the physical ability to match thoughts to actions is constantly evolving; the recognition of shapes, images and the world around them is beyond amazing to a first time dad.  One of the more interesting changes though is the development of imp-ism.

At one point in time, Adrienne and I could be sure that our direction, if understood, would be followed.  A few months ago, and what seems like on an ever increasing trajectory, this began to shift.  It is now not uncommon for a request to cease and desist to be met with a side ways glance, a coy smile and a slow and purposeful continuation of whatever activity has been deemed questionable, often accompanied by a follow up look to ensure that it has been seen.  This has made for some frustrating moments but more often than not experiences that challenge our ability to keep a straight face.  Some might think that we are doing irreparable damage by losing control and laughing at the occasional display of disobedience but as long as they aren't in danger...really no harm, no fowl...that and I guess only time will tell...As mentioned though, what can be concerning is a lack of understanding of when danger is present.  We have toyed with different words, although we have not found one that seems to have a great deal of impact.  So, this is something to work on, or seek some advice on...If anyone has any suggestions, please add them to the comment section... It's also a task that seems to be even more important with the rise in temperatures and more frequent forays into the outside world.  There are times, when thinking about walking through a parking lot, or playing at the front of the house causes dad, a notorious worrier, a few too many moments of angst, but I guess that's what part of this whole parenting thing is about and is also combated nicely by a very attentive mom and dad.  Not smothering, but attentive.

So my little imps...I mean men.  What I am learning from you each day is how, sometimes, it's important to test convention and to push limits.  Life would be pretty boring without a little mischief, and I would hazard a guess that a few of the more important discoveries would not have been made if everyone subscribed to all rules being truth and beyond question.  What is important in this context is that you have weighed out the consequences of your actions, taken into account your impact on yourself and others and have concluded that the benefits of crossing the line outweigh the consequences of your actions.  If the benefits are for you and you alone, I might suggest that your efforts outside of the rule book may be quite selfish or perhaps might be worth reconsidering.  If the benefits are retrieving a raisin from on top of the fire place using a dump truck as a step stool, I might question your sense of priorities.  In the end, life itself is a great teacher and there is a saying that rules are meant to be broken, as your dad, I would simply ask that you listen to everything I say...but seriously, I would hope that you do your due diligence before taking the leap, because consequences are not always accompanied by a soft landing.

Love,

Dad

PS - Thanks for the lovely "I love you"s over the phone tonight, you made my day
PPS - Thanks also for showing me the difference between a plane and a truck, multiple times, for the better part of an hour, each day...it's weird, but I am seriously loving it!!!!

Life Lesson for My Little Men #32

I recently stumbled upon a newsletter article for parents of premies and their challenges through the first few months of their babies' (y's) lives. In reading the article, it makes some very good points and would be great reading if you find yourself in this place. Here's the link:

http://www.babyontheway.ca/toronto/articles_resources/603_premature_babies.htm

It also gave me an opportunity to reflect on some of those first few moments of James' and Andrew's lives and the impact that they have had on me and the relationships that I have. This blog was written on several commutes to work, so please excuse any choppiness.
 
Ian

About twenty months ago we were expectant parents who had been able to work through the trepidation and joy that accompanies the expectation of a first child only magnified by two. Were we prepared, heck no...and certainly we were not prepared for their arrival 8 weeks early, but through the entire hectic-ness that was the last moments of Adrienne's pregnancy and the first moments of James' and Andrew's lives we were able to avoid panic. That's not to say that during this time there weren't moments where fear and worry seemed crippling. Despite the bests efforts of nurses, doctors, specialists, social workers, and the wonderful woman that coordinates the parent outreach at the NICU, there were many moments where you couldn't help but feel overwhelmed. As I have mentioned in previous posts, resiliency in times of change is a challenge that both Adrienne and I are quite used to, however, when the stakes are so high, as they are when the lives of your two babies seem to hang on a thread, or better put an oxygen tube, even our typical resolve was stretched. I am very grateful for the support of those around us during this time, but mostly to my partner. Boys, if ever ask how you know you've found the "right" one, I think my answer is simple. You'll know when you've found the person that will ride provide you with balance while sharing in your each and every emotion.

Looking back at the last 20 months, I think it is safe to say that parenthood is certainly one of the, if not the most profound experiences of a person's life. I think the phrase "defining moment" can often be overused...however, when something changes how you define your own identity then I can see how it applies. I have learned new meanings for many of the things that I would often consider to be run of the mill emotions and behaviour. Laughter, joy, smiles, hugs, kisses, and happiness have all changed in my view. At the same time, so have fear, worry, sadness, stress and persistence. My understanding of love, beyond everything else, will forever be altered. This is a risky proposition but I would say that at no other point in my life have I experienced the connection that I do to my family. Before James and Andrew's arrival and the past 20 months I would have thought that I had a pretty complete understanding of what it means to feel love and connection. Now, I can see that regardless of how strong my connection was with Adrienne, it could never have felt as complete as it does today. It's a lot like looking at the world through a tinted window, you can see everything and appreciate it, however, when you remove the tint and experience all of the colour in its true vibrancy you gain a true understanding of the beauty of it all.
 
So my sunshine loving and happy little men, I guess the lesson I have learned is this: often times we think we can see the whole picture and have a true understanding of the utmost limits of emotion but as new experiences impact us, we are even more often exposed to a life beyond the veil of our current understanding. If it wasn't for the new experience of being a dad, I would still know love, I would still be happy, but I may never have understood love the way that I do now. That new understanding has helped me appreciate all that I have, find joy in the little things and recognize the beauty in what we all share. I could have never anticipated the impact that your lives would have on mine, or on the way that I can now look at my life before you were here and reflect on those experiences with a new lens, seeing the beauty of the love that I have been given and have in turn shared. Thank you for that,


Love,


Dad


PS - while being nude is the natural state of being, social conventions would suggest that there is a time and place to do it. Please keep in mind that the streaking you are currently enjoying each night at bath time is something that the rest of the world would probably not enjoy and you will maybe grow out of...but given the experience of many university students...perhaps not.

Life Lesson For My Little Men #31

For March Break this year, we had the good fortune of travelling to Florida with my family.  It was our first extended time away since James and Andrew had been born and so it was met with excitement and a bit of trepidation as we took on learning the finer art of planning a trip and traveling with them.  First off, I can't take a whole lot of credit for the planning piece.  Being immersed in the tail end of my course and at work full time, I wasn't the most helpful when it came to the final stages of preparation.  Before I go further, let me add that included in family are my mom, dad and sister.  The plan was for my mom and dad to drive down and for my sister to accompany us on a plane and meet them there.  That's not really a part of this story as the plans on that end worked out almost perfectly.  What is a part of this story are some of the learnings of first time travellers with twins.

Lesson 1 - When you book your ticket understand that your airline will not necessarily take into account the geographic location of extra oxygen masks for your little ones.  While this isn't an issue for folks with only one toddler but for those of us who are lucky to be blessed with two or more the tip is that there is only one extra oxygen mask per group of seats.  So, if you want to sit together, you need to choose two aisle seats beside each other.  For us, we got to play a magical game of musical seats and organization as we looked for a row without another baby in it.  In the student affairs world, this is what we call an ice breaker.

Lesson 2: Checking bags, customs and security with little ones...equals Yikes!  It was mostly related to our date of travel, but we happily arrived at the airport 3 hours before our flight and made it through with an hour and a bit to board the plane.  No major melt downs, thank goodness...but all in all not really the most pleasant experience for us all.  Unless you count the moment when a bag full of those little green round mints erupted into a line-up of people waiting to check in...I am not sure Adrienne will agree with the assessment that this was fun...but it gave us all a nice chuckle.  With that sorted we began our journey.  Currently, we have two amazing flyers.  I say currently, because the next time...who knows?!?! For now, I can happily say that on the way down they slept for the better part of the journey and there were absolutely no tears.   

Lesson 3: Travelling with Twins is not relaxing...probably not a surprise to many of you, but I can't remember a holiday where I spent more time "doing" stuff.  Adrienne and I are very active people and so we have always been on the go even while on holiday, but this hit a new level.  We were constantly heading to the pool, to the tennis court, to the beach, and this was inclusive of the couple of hours we left the boys with Oma, Opa and Auntie Meghan.  All in all it was a week-long adventure in time management.  Now before this sounds like complaining, recognize that it is definitely not.  While there was little rest on this trip, there was tons of reward.  The first time James and Andrew touched sand, the first time they saw a palm tree, their first trip in a plane, etc.  One amazing moment after the next. So, the saying R&R does not necessarily stand for Rest and Relaxation but could easily be Reward and Relaxation

Lesson 4: If you are traveling to the a touristy destination, like Florida, check into renting equipment before you go.  We rented high chairs, toys and beach toys from a company that rents everything from bikes to bed rails.  An amazing way to cut down what you bring and what you have to pack/unpack/find/pack/unpack.

So, while this list is not exhaustive and I welcome others to contribute more to it, I will end the lessons for others and add one for my little men.  What I have learned is that often, when we just relax and let things happen, we get what we need.  What I mean by this is that, going into this trip I was busy...crazy busy...and I thought I needed some time to rest and unwind.  The night before we left, I actually said to your mom that I didn't know how much I was looking forward to it, given that I would come back feeling worse and more rushed than when we left.  What happened on the trip was by no means restful but so rewarding that I got what I needed.  Walking away from this adventure having spent an entire week playing, giggling, laughing and smiling put me in a place to return to regular life feeling not only physically and mentally healthier but better as a person.  Being able to share that experience with you, your mom, Oma, Opa and Aunt Meghan, certainly was something that couldn't be replaced by anything in the world.  It is amazing how things can come together at just the right time, to give you just what you need, even when you are expecting the opposite.  And though I won't pretend that there wasn't a lot of hard work that went into the trip (your Mom is a pretty fantastic packer), we as a family are certainly feeling the benefits even a month later. 

Lots of Love,

Dad

PS - The cat's litter scoop is not a shovel, and what is in it is not sand...that is all.