Life Lesson for My Little Men #5

So my last post was a bit of a cliff hanger, but I didn't know how to put that entire experience into one post and so I thank you for you patience.  On September 2nd, 2011 my wife went into labour at 31 weeks gestation.  We were transferred to Sunnybrook hospital and into a brand new birthing unit which was a blessing in disguise.  When I arrived at the hospital, shortly after my wife (ok, I am not sure how shortly after it was, I had done the fatherly thing and picked up the camera and some food for the evening) I walked into the preparations for an epidural.  We had talked about the possibility of this happening and as I have mentioned before, in all matters related to my wife's body I defer to her judgment.  I was introduced to our nurse for the evening and helped provide comfort through the process.  

Not long after (again, I caution those of you who have not experienced this that time is relative) we were waiting on a ultrasound to determine where are two little babies were.  When the resident arrived she completed the ultrasound and checked how far along my wife was and low and behold, she was at 10 cm and ready to go.  The whirlwind of activity that ensued was beyond any level of organization I have ever witnessed.  The next thing I knew I was in an operating room surrounded by 10 very well trained medical people holding onto my camera, my wife's purse and some other bag, that I am not even sure was ours...but let's be honest, I was lucky that I still had all my clothes on given how fast thing were moving.  During the rest of the actual birth I did my job.  As is the case in crisis situations I have dealt with in the past, I relied on my training (thank god for "realities of childbirth"...even if we would miss the last two classes).  Holding my wife's back as she pushed and struggled to deliver our two little bundles was an amazing experience.  It is quite possible that I wasn't being overly helpful, and surrounded by all of those doctors and nurses, I am quite confident that my role was relatively small, but at that time, I felt like I was so connected to what was going on.  All of the worries drifted away and all that mattered was that moment.  

No matter how much preparation goes into the anticipation of hearing the first little cry, you will never be ready for the flood of emotions.  Hearing that tiny little voice followed by the pronouncement "It's a boy!" made me feel more like a dad than all the months leading up to that point.  We saw our first son for all of ten seconds before he was whisked away to a prep room for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  We were able to see them on a cctv flat screen above our heads.  Things were going well, he was small but breathing and our focus returned to pushing out the second little one.  Again, time seemed to fly by and shortly after that the second little chirp and another announcement from the doctor "It's another boy!".  Again, the quick show and tell and off he went to the back room.  I stayed with my wife for a few moments and once I was given the all clear went to see my two boys as they were getting cleaned up for transfer to their new home. 

Both were small 2.5 and just under 3lbs.  Both were placed on CPAP, to control and support their breathing, and both were being carefully supported by a team of nurses. Pictures were taken, little hands were held, fingers and toes were counted...and then the happy mother was able to come and visit.  The look of pride in her eyes brought tears to mine.  We had done it...well she had done it.  They had made it...or had they...What I am getting at here is the weird emotional roller-coaster of that day.  Yes, there was a sense of relief...they were here and reasonably healthy...but at the same time we were worried.  Worried about what was to come for them, for us and for our families.  Similarly, I have never felt more unsure of the future and yet I was surprisingly okay with that.  They were well taken care of and all we could do was wait...which would be the story of the next 6 weeks...but that's another post.  We left to rest, the next time we would see our boys they would be downstairs in their little rooms hooked up to tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment.  The following three hours was spent with follow ups from doctors and nurses all of who did their best to set our minds at ease.  

So my little men who are now at home safe and sound, I hope that when you read this you learn two things.  Firstly, and perhaps selfishly I hope you realize what a miracle you are and how much we love you.  I also hope you see how sometimes life seems to take you on a detour, and more often then not it seems to do so when you are traveling a hundred miles an hour.  During these times you will experience a range of emotions, which many times will be conflicting.  You will have a choice of tuning them out, numbing your senses and getting by.  Or you can open yourself up to your emotions, let them take over your being and experience life to its fullest.  I do not pretend to be solely in favour of the latter, at many times I have chosen to close myself off, to push down emotions and to focus on getting things done.  However, I would suggest that the more you dare yourself to feel and truly let life impact you, the more connected you will be to yourself and those around you.  So, while there will be times for either approach, but what is important is that you don't solely subscribe to one...even when it is difficult challenge yourself to live and feel every day.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #4

So here I sit thinking back to the last few months and trying to remember what happened.  Truthfully, time sped by and things happened at a pace that I had not experienced before in my life.  When you have two little ones on the way, the planning and decisions tended to be a blur and you arrive at a place where you are comfortable without really knowing how you got there.  Toward the end of the summer, this is where we found ourselves.  My wife went back to work (she's a teacher), and things started to speed up for me with both work a school coming together...deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.  

So we found ourselves in the last week of August with a shower planned for the 2nd week of September, a nursery that was painted (as of the week before) filled with half assembled furniture and little time for the next few weeks to really do much work.  This was going to be alright because we would get through the first few weeks of busy times and as things started to round into form toward the middle of the month we would pick up where we left off, buy a few more things for the babies (like one of those mobile things for the crib), hang some art or maybe some curtains, and be truly prepared long before they were scheduled to arrive.  The last Thursday in August (two days before Labour Day Weekend here in Canada, trust me the irony is not lost on me) we went in for an ultrasound.  During our appointment the tech. went and found the doctor which had happened before and was pretty standard although this time it didn't feel standard.  After a lengthy conversation, we found out that something wasn't quite right and that my wife would have to come into the hospital the following day for another ultrasound and possibly kept for the weekend so that there would be access to the equipment during the holiday.  The issue, while I am not sure of medical terminology, is that it appeared that the two rooms our little ones had inhabited had joined together and that our babies had not grown in size in four weeks.  If this issue would reverse itself then there would be no problem, if it didn't then we would have to consider inducing labour early...at the time, no biggy, we'll get through it.  

The following day, I am at work on the busiest day of the year.  Things are going well and I plan on coming up to the hospital with a bag full of goodies to get my wife through the weekend.  As I am packing things up I get a call and for the second time in our pregnancy I answer a phone to tears..."Get Here As Soon As You Can" the voice says and quickly hangs up...I grab what I can and head to the hospital.  I don't know how I got there, how long it took or even if I touched the ground from the parking lot up the stairs and into the Birthing Unit, all that I remember was a feeling of dread.  Once I found my wife I discovered that her water had broken on our dog walk that morning (who knew) and that she had actually been in labour since noon.  The hospital was frantically looking for a more advanced unit to transfer us to because they were not prepared for 31 week twins.  Tense moments passed and we received the OK to be transferred to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto, my wife by Ambulance and I in our car after stopping to pick up a few more things for overnight.  Again, a blur of a car ride home and then downtown, quick phone calls to parents and siblings to ask for help with the dog and cat and to keep us all in their thoughts as things progressed.  

Looking back on this part of our experience, it is very hard to express all of the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the day.  It is equally challenging to put in perspective so that others can truly understand.  What I do remember was feeling strangely at ease, despite all of the tension and running around.  That those around me (meaning my family, colleagues and friends) were far more worried than I was or we were...perhaps it's because we had inside information or perhaps it was because we had each other...I do know that once I arrived at Sunnybrook and even before that, while we were together seeing my wife gave me a sense that everything was going to be alright.  

So my "almost home" little men, the lesson I have learned from this is to believe in yourself and those you love when in high pressure situations.  You will experience things that you are not prepared for throughout your life and you will have people who help you find your calm self and others who you will need to help find their calm selves.  You have an incredible power to overcome, resiliency in times of crisis is something that is in your DNA, remember to breathe and take stock and believe.  Sometimes, you will need to be the rock...relish these moments to be at your best and you will do great things.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #3

So, there are a couple of things that you have to undertake as expecting father in preparation for the arrival of your baby(ies).  Some of these are quite obvious, set up the nursery, begin purchasing all of the paraphernalia needed by your new born from now until age 25, start the discussion about names (if you haven't already figured that out) and begin educating yourself.  Let's face facts, your wife will have expectations about how you will engage in your expectancy based on her own level of commitment.  If your wife begins buying all kinds of books and sending you daily emails from sites dedicated to preparing you for all of the ups and downs along the way, then be fully prepared to read this material, comment on it during your daily conversations and have an opinion about the various decisions that are upcoming (remember from my earlier post that it is important to remember to be flexible on these opinions). 

In my case, and not just because she can read this, my wife and I kept a pretty balanced outlook through out.  We had books, which we read with varying degrees of commitment.  We attended prenatal classes (ours was entitled "The Realities of Childbirth" a foreboding moniker that I am still unclear of its actual purpose, because at this point it's a little late to try and scare us out of it...we're kind of in it...).  We sought advice from the usual sources, those with babies, our own mom's, medical professionals when needed.  My biggest word of advice on all of this info is to take it one step at a time and take it with a grain of salt.  Your pregnancy is just that, your pregnancy.  In the same way, your children will be your children and it is important for you to find your own way through it.  There will be advice and information that is pretty much mandatory mostly for your partner (stop smoking, stay active, eat well, avoid caffeine) be ready to support her through these tough changes.  There will be other advice that is on the "we'll do our best, but it's not really vital" portion of the scale.  And there will be the stuff that you simply ignore because it will not work for you.  In our case there was a smattering of all of this stuff.  

One area where this was the case was prenatal class...aka, the horrific truth of a overly medical birthing experience.  Now I am sure that in many ways this class was useful and was meant to balance out the advice traditionally given by your medical doctor, but in my opinion it simply stretched a little far at times.  I appreciated knowing that the birth experience wouldn't be like some horrible scene from alien where through an incredible amount of screaming and violent thrashing this tiny parasitic being would emerge from my wife in a sea of blood and guts...however, it was challenging at times to hear suggestions that your doctor will want you to have an epidural or c-section because it makes their lives easier.  As I said, grain of salt.  

You and your partner will have to make some pretty challenging decisions and all of this information can muddy the water and make seeing what is truly important to you challenging.  You will be told, have them sleep in your room from one source and ensure that they sleep in their own room from another.  In many ways being a parent will be the most criticized job you will ever have, and it feels like it starts from day one.  Only you will know what will work for you and how you should proceed and surprisingly, much of that is incredible natural and sort of comes to you...if it doesn't don't worry, for most you will have time.  In our case we really didn't have a whole lot because of our little mens' decision to jump ship early.  

So my tiny but growing little men, when faced with overwhelming information and opinions remember to breathe and do what comes naturally.  Billions of years of evolution have not necessarily removed the most basic of instincts.  Others' personal experiences and advice have not trumped the natural urges and tendencies that you will experience.  In many ways, our experience when we were expecting you brought us closer to each other and nature as it began to just make sense.  

Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #2

So the first thing people ask when they find out your pregnant is usually do you know what you are having.  This question is often the first place your mind goes after the initial shock, surprise and joy wears off.  At this point in time the practical begins to set in and you begin to think about things like decorating and names.  For some, I imagine that this debate (to find out or not to find out) may take some time to come to a resolution and may even lead to some hard feelings among couples.  In our case, there really was no debate.  I set out in the beginning (before I knew there were two coming) pretty much set on keeping things a surprise to the end, however, whether it was  a simple realization or a moment of weakness, I found myself deferring to my wife.  I think the realization was that although we would be partners in parenthood and share in our caring and loving of our soon to be babies, when it came to the pregnancy, I was not really the one doing the heavy lifting (unless you count boxes, furniture, luggage, etc.). So after careful consideration and a few teeter-totter moments the decision was made to wait and keep our future babies' genders a surprise.

Over the next few weeks of congratulations and fanfare the question continued to come up.  More often than not people were understanding of our decision although at the same time we were often reminded of how difficult we were making things in terms of planning.  In many cases, this was unintentional, "Good for you," people would say, "with twins I couldn't do that."  Others were more overt stating that we were crazy for not finding out.  At times, we would doubt our decision on these practical terms...we would have to think about 4 different names, we would have to visualize three very different futures and we couldn't really shop ahead because you would be surprised about how little gender neutral baby gear/attire is out there (I kept pushing for grey and beige onesies, but there is only so much bland one can accept).  However, in our eyes these were minor inconveniences that didn't compare to the excitement and surprise to come on the day of their birth.  Plus it would make for a good guessing game for relatives and friends over the next few months.  Now I am not trying to say that waiting to learn the gender of your baby(ies) is the only way to go, it was just our way and I am glad we stuck to it despite the occasional suggestion that we were making things more difficult.  The surprise when our two sons arrived was a defining moment in our lives.

So, my two little men, the important thing to remember is that there will be moments when you have to make decisions that may make your life more difficult in order to achieve your goals or maintain your values.  At the same time you will meet people who will tell you that you are crazy for taking the road less traveled.  When faced with these moments remember to stay true to yourself and be confident in your decision.  There will also be times when a family member or friend will be making a similar decision and will seemingly be making a bad choice.  During these times you will need to be supportive, empathetic and compassionate because as much as you may feel you can offer advice, you can never truly walk in somebody else's shoes.  In short, stay true to yourself in everything you do and respectfully allow others the freedom to do the same without judgment.

Life Lesson For My Little Men #1

When we first found out we were pregnant, and I say we because I am sharing my experience although I know that my wife did most of the work on that front, we experienced all emotions imaginable.  First of all, we were surprised.  We hadn't been trying to get pregnant but more so, we hadn't been trying not to get pregnant for a month or two and so when it happened so quickly, I think surprise was the most natural feeling.  Next came an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement.  Things were about to change a great deal in our lives and the thought of caring for a new little one and watching them grow up brought tears to both of our eyes.  The third emotion, which again I think is totally natural, was worry and doubt.  Doubt in our abilities.  Doubt in our preparation.  Doubt in the finances (let's be honest, that was my department...as I am sure it is with many dads-to-be).  And thus, the roller coaster started...pretty much from the time the little stick indicated we were expecting.  Over the next few weeks, the levels of doubt subsided and joy and anticipation took over.  We picked up books, read websites and began preparing.  We went to our first ultrasound and got our first glimpse at the little kidney bean shaped beginnings of our child to be.  Then came the first appointment with the OBGYN.  I was at work when I received a frantic call from my wife and immediately thought the worst.  As I walked quickly from my office to ensure cell phone reception my office is in a windowless bunker) and to get a bit of privacy I anticipated the worst.  Through tears on the other end of the line she said, "It's not what your thinking, it's good news, I think."  At this point, I am clueless and waited for what felt like ages before a further explanation arrived.  "We are expecting twins."  For the next few minutes we reassured each other that this news was great, that it didn't really change anything and we were truly excited.  Over the next few days, doubt began to resurface as a secondary emotion.  At times, our strength and resolve would fade and we would need reassurance that things were going to be okay.  I am not entirely sure what truly helped us through the tougher times, beyond the obvious joy of being parents-to-be.  I would like to say it was my undeniable strength of character, however, I know that isn't true...and let's be honest, there are very few people in this world who can be rock solid all of the time (perhaps maybe Hugh Jackman, he seems like he is chiseled out of stone).  In the end, I feel that maybe it had more to do with the strength of our relationship with each other, family and friends that helped through the darker times.  Whenever one of us was struggling their was always somebody to help focus on the positive, the joy and the love in our lives past, present and future.  In the end, we both knew in our hearts that this was something that we were not only ready for, but that would be the greatest experience of our lives.  So, to couch this all in a life lesson for my little men I would say this.  Are there cloudy days??? Of course, but in the end without clouds would we appreciate the sun or a cold bevy on a hot day (if you're anything like your dad...this statement will make a lot of sense in about 18 years...and it better be 18 years;) ). Remember during those cloudy or difficult times that you don't have to go it alone. That there will always be others who can help you through tough times and to see the light in any situation. Your mother and I will be two of those people, but there will also be many others, please don't hesitate to seek out help. 

Keep smilin'

IC

Welcome to my blog

I partially regret not starting this blog several months ago when my journey as a father of twins began, but at the time, it didn't seem necessary.  For those reading this blog, I also apologize for this initial post as it is my first attempt at this, and being a person who hasn't normally relied on journaling to decompress and reflect, it may be quite amateurish.  The reason I have decided to start writing is two fold, firstly, I am hoping it provides some opportunity for self-reflection in what has been and will continue to be the greatest experience of my life.  Secondly, I am also hopeful that it can serve to help others who find themselves in a similar situation, let me explain this further.  My wife and I have often been fortunate or unfortunate, depending on your view point, in that we often experience major life events in significant chunks.  For example, the summer we were married, I had just accepted a new position which meant both a career move and physical move to a new city, followed closely by the death of a grandparent and my wife starting her first teaching job.  For this life altering moment, I had again just started a new job, we had just bought our first home and within a few weeks of signing on the dotted line we found out that we were pregnant...with twins.  My hope over the next few posts is to catch up on the first few months of our pregnancy, discuss the emotions, the ups and downs, the joy and trepidation, the areas where "the books" were helpful and some of the places where we felt under informed. Again, if you find yourself in a similar place in life, I hope you find this useful, relate able or at least entertaining.  In my experience, life has a crazy way of working out, or at least I have been privileged enough to have that outcome in my journey thus far.  Currently, we are the proud parents of two boys, who will spend the next 6 weeks (or so) in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) after arriving ahead of schedule.  Stay tuned for more.

IC