Written on February 19, 2015
It has taken me months to write this post. I think partly because I have blocked the
situation from my active memory but also in part for fear of judgment, however,
today, on a day when a parent’s worst nightmare came true, I feel the only way
to reflect and deal with my emotions is to write. Today, on a day when temperatures are well
below freezing a little boy left his apartment unbeknownst to his family in
nothing but a t-shirt. He was found
hours later, without vital signs and rushed to the hospital…my heart hurts just
thinking of it. Last spring, we went
through a similar situation with James.
It was mid afternoon, Adrienne was taking the dog for a walk
and I was downstairs with Andrew doing laundry.
The sliding door to our backyard was open to allow a breeze through the
screen and at the time our backyard was not fenced. I came upstairs after loading up the washer,
unloading the dryer and with a 2 and a half year old in tow when I realized the
screen was now open just wide enough for a little boy to fit through. I yelled for James…no answer. I started out the back door, thought better
and turned around closing and locking it.
As I headed out the front door one of our neighbours was making her way
up our drive-way. She had seen him, knew
he belonged to us and was coming to get me.
Her friend was walking quickly to catch up to a little boy in his rubber boots who was 3/4s
of the way down our street. I closed the
door, and ran barefoot down the sidewalk quickly passing the lady and racing
James to the stop sign at the end of the road.
As I picked him up he screamed and kicked in determination. I
asked him where he was going. He replied
that he was going to the playground to find mommy. He was intent on catching up with her. Adrienne was nowhere in sight. We were lucky. Another 40 feet and he would have been at a
major cross street with no stop sign in one direction. My heart was in my throat for what felt like
a week. Needless to say, we invested in
a fence that summer and became super vigilant about the door locks but also our
communication with each other as parents.
In these types of situations people are quick to judge. “How could they let this happen?” or “I would
have never let him/her out of my sight” quickly forgetting that part of the
challenges of parenting is that you can’t always be on guard, you can’t always
be present, and that little people at even the tender age of two can be
determined enough to make it through whatever safety gate you have
devised. We can only do our best and
hope that on days where we screw up or where our best isn’t good enough that we
get a little bit lucky.
So my little men, I have drifted between two main thoughts
since learning the news about this young lad’s disappearance. My heart has ached for his family as they are
living a nightmare that I only had a taste of.
My second thought is of utter sadness in thinking what he must have felt
as he wandered in the cold…this I can’t even imagine or bear to dwell on for
longer than a moment. Tonight, I am
going to hug you, hold you close and tell you how much you mean to me. There are days when I feel down because of
how fast you are growing and how much I have already missed. On days like today, I realize the privilege I
have, as a father, in watching you grow and empathize with those who have not been
so lucky.
Love you forever,
Dad
