Life Lesson for My Little Men #33

Recently we have started to see a change in many things.  At a little over a year and half (corrected) both James and Andrew are right where they should be developmentally.  The words are coming more and more every day; the physical ability to match thoughts to actions is constantly evolving; the recognition of shapes, images and the world around them is beyond amazing to a first time dad.  One of the more interesting changes though is the development of imp-ism.

At one point in time, Adrienne and I could be sure that our direction, if understood, would be followed.  A few months ago, and what seems like on an ever increasing trajectory, this began to shift.  It is now not uncommon for a request to cease and desist to be met with a side ways glance, a coy smile and a slow and purposeful continuation of whatever activity has been deemed questionable, often accompanied by a follow up look to ensure that it has been seen.  This has made for some frustrating moments but more often than not experiences that challenge our ability to keep a straight face.  Some might think that we are doing irreparable damage by losing control and laughing at the occasional display of disobedience but as long as they aren't in danger...really no harm, no fowl...that and I guess only time will tell...As mentioned though, what can be concerning is a lack of understanding of when danger is present.  We have toyed with different words, although we have not found one that seems to have a great deal of impact.  So, this is something to work on, or seek some advice on...If anyone has any suggestions, please add them to the comment section... It's also a task that seems to be even more important with the rise in temperatures and more frequent forays into the outside world.  There are times, when thinking about walking through a parking lot, or playing at the front of the house causes dad, a notorious worrier, a few too many moments of angst, but I guess that's what part of this whole parenting thing is about and is also combated nicely by a very attentive mom and dad.  Not smothering, but attentive.

So my little imps...I mean men.  What I am learning from you each day is how, sometimes, it's important to test convention and to push limits.  Life would be pretty boring without a little mischief, and I would hazard a guess that a few of the more important discoveries would not have been made if everyone subscribed to all rules being truth and beyond question.  What is important in this context is that you have weighed out the consequences of your actions, taken into account your impact on yourself and others and have concluded that the benefits of crossing the line outweigh the consequences of your actions.  If the benefits are for you and you alone, I might suggest that your efforts outside of the rule book may be quite selfish or perhaps might be worth reconsidering.  If the benefits are retrieving a raisin from on top of the fire place using a dump truck as a step stool, I might question your sense of priorities.  In the end, life itself is a great teacher and there is a saying that rules are meant to be broken, as your dad, I would simply ask that you listen to everything I say...but seriously, I would hope that you do your due diligence before taking the leap, because consequences are not always accompanied by a soft landing.

Love,

Dad

PS - Thanks for the lovely "I love you"s over the phone tonight, you made my day
PPS - Thanks also for showing me the difference between a plane and a truck, multiple times, for the better part of an hour, each day...it's weird, but I am seriously loving it!!!!

Life Lessons for My Little Men #21

It has been nine months since James and Andrew entered our world and, as I am sure all parents can attest to, time is flying by.  It seems like only yesterday that I was leaving work and heading downtown to see my tiny little men in the NICU at Sunnybrook.  As a new dad, what I have found is that often major milestones are happening during the day (when Andrew and James are the most alert and energized) and so routinely I have missed out on the first <fill in the blank here>.  What this has also led to in an unnerving feeling that I am not connecting with my sons the way that I would like to.  Ultimately, the challenge is that somebody has to work in order to pay the <fill in the blank here> and ensure that our family is currently safe and comfortable and that we have as many opportunities as possible in the future.  


I put this out there as a revolutionary idea, but something to consider (not that I have done any of the economics behind it as I will leave the to those who may critique it and have a better understanding of those things.  What if, instead of working right now, I could trade this time for time later in life.  For example, like taking 5 years of pension and RRSP savings up front and then working an additional 5 years later to pay back the system...wouldn't this be an idea (especially given the fact that most people in our generation do not anticipate full retirement until late 60s early 70s)?!?!  It certainly would be a bargain I would be willing to make!  Anyhow, I digress from my initial intent of this post.  The point of my post is that missing these things has left a mark on my own comprehension of my abilities as a father and in some ways challenges how I react when parenting, possibly overcompensating for some slight twinge that I feel in my soul every time I walk out the door in the morning or get a glowing text about what amazing thing has happened in my absence.


I have heard about mother's guilt, and again, I don't presume to suppose that what I am discussing is in anyway equivalent, but I am simply saying it exists.  Recently, this guilt reared its head during play time.  Adrienne was out running errands and so I was entertaining both James and Andrew on the family room floor.  We were carrying on quite well, giggling and smiling, the boys doing their best to share toys while dad did his best to share his attention.  Then things turned.  I got up to stretch my legs (apparently the ability to sit cross legged is something that you lose sometime after high school) and bonk, down went James.  Now the logical me says, that was one of many bumps, bruises and bonks that there will be in his life, but as the tears welled up into his eyes, so to did that feeling of guilt.  If I only get to spend x hours with my sons I don't want them to be painful hours...how could I let this happen...he is so upset, and as I comforted him and wiped the tears from his eyes, I couldn't help feeling that I had let him down.  Again, the logical me knows this won't be the only time that I feel this way, but the first time it happens I can honestly say is heartbreaking.  Now when Adrienne came home and I had a chance to share my story I quickly came to realize that this wasn't his first tumble, and that in fact, my wife was dealing with her own emotions around guilt and letting them down on a far more frequent basis.  At the time, this was a small consolation for my bruised psyche or James' equally bruised noggin. 


So my little men, I guess the lesson to be learned is this: no matter how hard you try to be there, you won't always be able to catch someone you care about before they fall.  In reflecting on this situation, I can now see that at least I was there to comfort and hold you when I wasn't able to prevent something bad from happening.  In fact, at certain points in your life, this will be a far more valuable point of intervention and support than preventing the fall in the first place.  Some people believe that life is a collection of moments, but I would argue that it goes beyond a collection as each of these moments is interwoven in a way that when perceived from afar or in retrospect make it challenging to discern the individual moments from the grand mosaic of the whole experience.  So, while I endeavour to be there for you during all of your moments, reality is that there will be times when I can't be and that perhaps, rather than dwell on that and lose sight of the greater purpose, it is more important to focus on all of the moments that we co-create and how they contribute to our bigger picture.  


Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #19

So as I sit here eating yesterday's leftover chinese for lunch, I am feeling inspired to write a blog about the one of the most experiences in fatherhood which is witnessing the transformation of your partner into a mother.  Now some folks are probably thinking that I am writing this, on the day after mother's day, as a way of making up for something I forgot to do yesterday.  Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact, yesterday was on my accounts a pretty good first mother's day for James and Andrew and more importantly Adrienne.  If she doesn't agree with me she will have to post a comment or forever hold her peace.  No, what is inspiring me is seeing first hand how well Adrienne has taken to being a fantastic mother to both of our sons.

When you find out that you are going to be parents you are flooded with emotions.  As a father to be, it can be tough to fully understand or perceive all that you are experiencing.  In many ways, the best thing that you can do to connect to your future paternal development is to connect with your partner.  By asking questions, listening to responses (an important part of communication we often forget) and observing all of the changes that are happening to your other half, you can find a way to connect on a deeper level with the entire experience.  Once the babies (y) are born, however, it is hard to find a moment to truly take in all of the things that you and your partner are experiencing.  You are often tugged in one direction or the other and when there are two your attention is always divided.  So, it can be challenging to find enough time to stop and think about how much things have changed.

Truthfully, I don't know how much motherhood has changed my wife.  Adrienne has always been caring, apt to put others first and willing to lend a hand or a smile to a friend in need.  In actuality, motherhood has merely enhanced these fantastic qualities while bringing to the fore front others.  Adrienne is incredibly nurturing.  She painstakingly makes all of the boys food and is always there with a cuddle when that's what is needed.  She has also developed her comedic abilities often putting aside all seriousness to make cow noises, tickle fights or attempts to talk in a scottish accent in an effort to draw a few laughs.  Each day the boys enjoy a regiment of naked time where Mom stands by to ensure that they are spending the appropriate time on their tummies and backs ensuring that they are developing all of the muscles to be strong young lads.  All of this is to say that Adrienne has taken to motherhood so very well.  My pride in her is only outdone by my pride in the two little fellas that she is doing so well at raising.  

So my little, lucky to have such a fantastic mom, men a good life lesson is to love your mother with all of your heart.  As time marches on, this will take different forms (if you are still sleeping in our bed at the age of 14, that might be a bit weird), and their may come a point in time when you don't express it enough but it's important that you believe it and know that it's true.  As you grow, I am sure you will learn to understand how much she cares for you and maybe you will get just how much effort she has put into making your every minute on this earth the best that it can be.  I hope you do.  Moms are special people.  They are in many ways the engine that drives the family forward but they are also often the glue that keeps it together.  Your mom is certainly well on her way to both of these things right now and I am certain that when you are old enough to read this, you will be able to see the many ways she is doing this. Love her, cherish your moments with her and never leave something unsaid today that you would say tomorrow.
Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #17

Many new parents have challenges getting their baby to sleep.  When you have two little wonders, these challenges are magnified ( I would say doubled, but I don't think that this accurately reflects just how overwhelming it can feel) and you often are left seeking answers.  Now, unless you have a solid support network of people who have been through it, you may find that you feel quite alone.  The internet and books can be helpful, and certainly, after giving birth to our two young fellows, we have met and been reunited with many friends who are in the same situation.  However, at the end of the day (literally) you are in it yourself and we certainly struggled.

About a month ago, maybe more now, it's hard to remember, we set about trying to build a stronger routine for our boys, specifically around bedtime.  We set out starting to adjust bedtime earlier and earlier in the evening often preceded by a bath and some reading (sometimes Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss or Robert Munsch, but often something a little shorter).  As we crept closer to a more reasonable time for all of us to hit the hay, the boys mounted a rebellion of mythical proportions.  One day it just seemed like they had a closed door meeting, decided that this new plan was devious and not something that would be tolerated and so they would put a stop to it.  Their protests mounted, often involving tears, sometimes smiles but the results were always the same, two very tired parents and two unhappy and overtired little men.

Each baby is different, and when you have twins, you will realize that each of them is different too.  This becomes incredibly evident when it becomes times for bed.  One of our boys loves story time with Dad, he would spend the entire time sitting and staring at me as I read through a book, complete with voices.  The other, would much rather be coddled and held by mom and while he tolerates story time, it really isn't his thing.  One thing that we found as time marched on is that our two boys did much better while in bed with us than in their crib.  And there came a time when we looked at each other and said, is this really worth it, and the answer was no.  So for the last few months we have been sharing a bed with our two sprawling little men and things have been great.  It certainly helps that neither of us is a restless sleeper and nothing is truly as rewarding as falling asleep with your little boy cuddled up next to you. 

Now I know what you are thinking (or maybe not)...Isn't co-sleeping frowned upon, and the answer is yes...but we have decided to ignore the "surgeon general type" warnings and put our own sanity and the happiness of our little men first.  And since making this decision, I must say we are all sleeping a little better and being a little happier, not to mention the fact that there is something amazing about waking up with your child right next to you.  For a while, we didn't really talk about this with other people, and even once we did, it was with an essence of guilt.  I would say, even now we aren't overly comfortable just blurting this out...although, once this blog is published, I guess that's out the window.  All this is to say that it was important for us to make a decision that was right for us and each family should feel that they have the same right to do so.  

So my little cover stealing boys, now that you are sharing the bed with us I think there are a few important life lessons you can learn.  Number 1, if you are going to let one go...which you will...it is important that you attempt to create an opening to vent , otherwise you may trap something under the covers that will confuse and disgust your bed mate...This is an even more important life lesson as you get older...Number 2, remember that life is about making good choices for you and your family.  Sometimes this will buck the trends or even go against something that is recommended, the important thing is that you take the time to make a rational decision that is in your (and in this case it's the royal your) best interests.  Life is complicated and often the so-called experts write and comment based on generalities, this is helpful in informing our opinion but is not the be all and end all.  I am glad we didn't listen, as not only are we all more rested but I am pretty sure that this stage of your life will be relatively short (in the sense that pretty soon you won't want me in your room let alone cuddling you to sleep) and it has been nice to hold and comfort you to sleep.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #16

So since becoming a father a few things have become all to prevalent in my thoughts.  I am sure that this is the case for many parents as you begin to make changes and take stock of your life.  First off, I have started thinking a great deal about my own life as a child, perhaps planning for an equally rewarding experience for my little fellows.  Of course, my memories often leave out several of the more traumatic experiences and frequently dwell on the exciting or enjoyable (for example, I think of trips to Florida or Disney and leave out the countless visits to Pioneer Villages).  Second, I have started to think about my own mortality...which is something I have often avoided as I have not yet come to terms with it.  Completely related to this is a third new thought which is what world will I leave my children and how will I teach them to leave the world to their kids.  

When we found out we were having twins we decided to make an effort to limit the impact our little ones would have on the environment.  We made a choice to go with cloth diapers, which took some getting used to for both us and the babies, and is requiring further adjustment now that we are starting on solid foods.  I'll explain this further, the cloth diapers we use (happy nappy), in order to be absorbent tend to be much thicker than your traditional disposable.  They are also unique as they are often hand made and so there is some variation in fit.  Finally, there is a liner, which adds an additional step to each diapering session.  On our initial attempt, Adrienne and I didn't know if we would be able to do it...but now, 6 months later, we are hooked and definitely wouldn't go in the other direction.  We do use disposables when we are traveling (appointments, visiting, etc.) and that's enough for us.

Our second commitment was to source as many of our purchases on resale websites like kijiji or craigslist.  Not only does this make good economic sense (the baby product industry, and I believe I can call it that as in my opinion any industry that convinces us that our babies need a warmer for something that wipes their butts is in it for the almighty $$$), but it also supports others in your local area.  In doing this, where ever possible we have tried to buy products that will last and that can be resold or donated to others at a later date.  

In all of our purchases, we have tried to buy products that are made in Canada a plan that carried over from our recent home purchase.  We often do this at a greater expense than if we were to cruise down to the local Walmart (there are soon to be 3 within 3 km of our house...yikes!), but I am more than willing to pay a few dollars more for something that was made here, employed a Canadian but more importantly didn't come across an ocean on a giant, diesel guzzling ship.   The sad part is that what you will find is that there are many things that you simply can't find that have been produced here.  Sad in the sense that it is seen as cheaper (not more sustainable) to ship millions of tiny baby spoons from across the ocean than to simply make them here...in the end though, I question the cheaper/more profitable part of this argument when in the long run it may be our generation or even worse my boys' generation that will need to figure out how to maintain society without fossil fuels to produce food, ship items, drive to work, etc.

We have also made an effort to make our own food.  Again, there are sometimes that this is a challenge and it simply doesn't make sense to do so.  This way we can control what is put in the food, but we can also cut down on the amount of additional waste that we generate.  So far, so good on this one.  Our boys seem ok with their pureed peas, carrots, yams and pears and Adrienne is an excellent cook, I haven't yet ventured into this world.

So my fast growing little men, as you walk through life it is important that you remember your place in this great wide world.  I don't mean this to be daunting and deflating (as often you will feel that you are small and cannot make a difference) but more so to reflect on all that you have been given and all that you must leave to those who follow.  Far too often, we leave things or don't make the smallest of efforts because we don't believe that they have an impact or because they are inconvenient.  For many of us, we should feel privileged that at this point convenience can even weigh into this decision...for your generation my little ones, I am not sure that will be the case.  My point is this, even small changes can make an impact...and the scope of our ability to effect change should never be a part of the question or answer, because truthfully if we all took baby steps...wouldn't we effect change?!?!  People are often quoted as saying that their goal in life is to leave the world a better place than how they found it...however, does this make sense if we are not giving our all to actually leave a physical planet to inhabit?!?!  So as you continue to grow please remember that whenever you can, make decisions that will help heal or sustain the greatest gift we have all been given...this planet to inhabit until such day as we leave it to the next generation.  I wish more in my generation had done a better job of this for you.  Even your smallest efforts will have impact...the important part is that you make the effort.  Love, Dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #15

Please bear with me as I rant a little bit in an effort to get something off of my chest.  My hope in writing this is to raise a little awareness of an issue but also to put down on paper or better yet into the universe.  So we have gotten to a point in our journey where we are deciding what to do when Adrienne's maternity leave comes to an end.  I never thought this decision would be overly challenging and I think both of us just assumed that she would go back to work (see Life Lesson #14 for something to consider on this front), but with twins and the fact that they were 8 weeks early, we have had to recalibrate a little bit.  When we found out we were having twins a story briefly hit the news in Canada about a couple who was in court to appeal the length of time that they could take on Mat. Leave after the birth of their twins.  The basis of their appeal was that if they had given birth to their children 12 months apart, they would have been able to take 2 years of parental leave.  The government's stance on this is that it constitutes one birth (although, I think if you asked, most women would say that they could plainly feel two actual births...just sayin'), and so parents are entitled to one year.

Here's the thing, I am not usually a complainer and I know we have it better than some, so I am not in any way trying to diminish the value of what we have, however, I think the additional year is something to consider and here is why.  1) Fairness, as mentioned above, if we had been blessed with two children born a year apart, we would have been entitled to 2 full years of leave, as it stands we have one year and two children (all of our costs are as if we had two children and it doesn't seem that we will be lucky enough to pay for childcare for one given that there was "only one birth").  As part of this argument, it is not as if we planned to have twins...in fact, twins don't run in the family so we would never even have known, so in essence, because of a little miracle we are not treated the same as another couple by our government.  2) Our boys were born early and as I have highlighted earlier, this means that when we reach a year and my wife is scheduled to return to work, they won't be as far along as most their age.  Some day-cares won't even take them if they can't walk, so we may be left with little choice...but also, we don't think they will be ready for full time child care.  3) We have been lucky, despite a rocky start both of our sons are very healthy, however, many couples who give birth to multiples are not so lucky, the extra year would be incredibly helpful in ensuring that the children were ready physically and emotionally for mom (or dad) to go back to work.  4) Raising twins is not the same as raising two children and certainly during the first year, this is not the case.  Adrienne is a champ and has been incredible at adjusting to her new role, but there is little time for her to recover.  For example, nap time is sometimes a family event but is more often a solo past-time which leaves mom entertaining whichever of the two has decided to push through the momentary exhaustion and blow drool bubbles.  An additional amount of time for leave would be ease some of this exhaustion.

So in the end, I hope this doesn't sound like a "it's not fair" kind of rant, believe me, I know that life isn't.  And, it is not an effort to get a bit more of a handout, we have never been the type to want one without the expectation that we would pay it back.  It is however, an effort to dialogue about something near to my heart and at the front of my conscious right now as we are possibly coming to terms with a time of single income support for a young family. 

So, my little men who have all the potential and possibility to do great things, I guess the life lesson is this:  Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to make choices and live with your values in mind and action, things will come up which will cause you to re-evaluate.  Your mom, as you will know when you read this, is an incredible educator and has always taken joy in being a smart, successful, caring and giving woman.  When you two came along, it took a while to come to grips with the fact that life for both of us had changed and priorities began to look different, sacrifices had to be made.  One such sacrifice is career goals.  Sometimes, there will be help in making this decision or easing the impact and other times, there won't be. I guess the important part is to take time to sit down, reflect on your options, talk openly with those that will be affected and then make the best decision, even if it means that in the short term things will get tougher.  In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that you have made the best choice that you can, which sometimes won't be the easiest road or even the road you have always traveled  on...but it will be the road that leads to the best outcome.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #5

So my last post was a bit of a cliff hanger, but I didn't know how to put that entire experience into one post and so I thank you for you patience.  On September 2nd, 2011 my wife went into labour at 31 weeks gestation.  We were transferred to Sunnybrook hospital and into a brand new birthing unit which was a blessing in disguise.  When I arrived at the hospital, shortly after my wife (ok, I am not sure how shortly after it was, I had done the fatherly thing and picked up the camera and some food for the evening) I walked into the preparations for an epidural.  We had talked about the possibility of this happening and as I have mentioned before, in all matters related to my wife's body I defer to her judgment.  I was introduced to our nurse for the evening and helped provide comfort through the process.  

Not long after (again, I caution those of you who have not experienced this that time is relative) we were waiting on a ultrasound to determine where are two little babies were.  When the resident arrived she completed the ultrasound and checked how far along my wife was and low and behold, she was at 10 cm and ready to go.  The whirlwind of activity that ensued was beyond any level of organization I have ever witnessed.  The next thing I knew I was in an operating room surrounded by 10 very well trained medical people holding onto my camera, my wife's purse and some other bag, that I am not even sure was ours...but let's be honest, I was lucky that I still had all my clothes on given how fast thing were moving.  During the rest of the actual birth I did my job.  As is the case in crisis situations I have dealt with in the past, I relied on my training (thank god for "realities of childbirth"...even if we would miss the last two classes).  Holding my wife's back as she pushed and struggled to deliver our two little bundles was an amazing experience.  It is quite possible that I wasn't being overly helpful, and surrounded by all of those doctors and nurses, I am quite confident that my role was relatively small, but at that time, I felt like I was so connected to what was going on.  All of the worries drifted away and all that mattered was that moment.  

No matter how much preparation goes into the anticipation of hearing the first little cry, you will never be ready for the flood of emotions.  Hearing that tiny little voice followed by the pronouncement "It's a boy!" made me feel more like a dad than all the months leading up to that point.  We saw our first son for all of ten seconds before he was whisked away to a prep room for the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.  We were able to see them on a cctv flat screen above our heads.  Things were going well, he was small but breathing and our focus returned to pushing out the second little one.  Again, time seemed to fly by and shortly after that the second little chirp and another announcement from the doctor "It's another boy!".  Again, the quick show and tell and off he went to the back room.  I stayed with my wife for a few moments and once I was given the all clear went to see my two boys as they were getting cleaned up for transfer to their new home. 

Both were small 2.5 and just under 3lbs.  Both were placed on CPAP, to control and support their breathing, and both were being carefully supported by a team of nurses. Pictures were taken, little hands were held, fingers and toes were counted...and then the happy mother was able to come and visit.  The look of pride in her eyes brought tears to mine.  We had done it...well she had done it.  They had made it...or had they...What I am getting at here is the weird emotional roller-coaster of that day.  Yes, there was a sense of relief...they were here and reasonably healthy...but at the same time we were worried.  Worried about what was to come for them, for us and for our families.  Similarly, I have never felt more unsure of the future and yet I was surprisingly okay with that.  They were well taken care of and all we could do was wait...which would be the story of the next 6 weeks...but that's another post.  We left to rest, the next time we would see our boys they would be downstairs in their little rooms hooked up to tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of equipment.  The following three hours was spent with follow ups from doctors and nurses all of who did their best to set our minds at ease.  

So my little men who are now at home safe and sound, I hope that when you read this you learn two things.  Firstly, and perhaps selfishly I hope you realize what a miracle you are and how much we love you.  I also hope you see how sometimes life seems to take you on a detour, and more often then not it seems to do so when you are traveling a hundred miles an hour.  During these times you will experience a range of emotions, which many times will be conflicting.  You will have a choice of tuning them out, numbing your senses and getting by.  Or you can open yourself up to your emotions, let them take over your being and experience life to its fullest.  I do not pretend to be solely in favour of the latter, at many times I have chosen to close myself off, to push down emotions and to focus on getting things done.  However, I would suggest that the more you dare yourself to feel and truly let life impact you, the more connected you will be to yourself and those around you.  So, while there will be times for either approach, but what is important is that you don't solely subscribe to one...even when it is difficult challenge yourself to live and feel every day.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #4

So here I sit thinking back to the last few months and trying to remember what happened.  Truthfully, time sped by and things happened at a pace that I had not experienced before in my life.  When you have two little ones on the way, the planning and decisions tended to be a blur and you arrive at a place where you are comfortable without really knowing how you got there.  Toward the end of the summer, this is where we found ourselves.  My wife went back to work (she's a teacher), and things started to speed up for me with both work a school coming together...deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.  

So we found ourselves in the last week of August with a shower planned for the 2nd week of September, a nursery that was painted (as of the week before) filled with half assembled furniture and little time for the next few weeks to really do much work.  This was going to be alright because we would get through the first few weeks of busy times and as things started to round into form toward the middle of the month we would pick up where we left off, buy a few more things for the babies (like one of those mobile things for the crib), hang some art or maybe some curtains, and be truly prepared long before they were scheduled to arrive.  The last Thursday in August (two days before Labour Day Weekend here in Canada, trust me the irony is not lost on me) we went in for an ultrasound.  During our appointment the tech. went and found the doctor which had happened before and was pretty standard although this time it didn't feel standard.  After a lengthy conversation, we found out that something wasn't quite right and that my wife would have to come into the hospital the following day for another ultrasound and possibly kept for the weekend so that there would be access to the equipment during the holiday.  The issue, while I am not sure of medical terminology, is that it appeared that the two rooms our little ones had inhabited had joined together and that our babies had not grown in size in four weeks.  If this issue would reverse itself then there would be no problem, if it didn't then we would have to consider inducing labour early...at the time, no biggy, we'll get through it.  

The following day, I am at work on the busiest day of the year.  Things are going well and I plan on coming up to the hospital with a bag full of goodies to get my wife through the weekend.  As I am packing things up I get a call and for the second time in our pregnancy I answer a phone to tears..."Get Here As Soon As You Can" the voice says and quickly hangs up...I grab what I can and head to the hospital.  I don't know how I got there, how long it took or even if I touched the ground from the parking lot up the stairs and into the Birthing Unit, all that I remember was a feeling of dread.  Once I found my wife I discovered that her water had broken on our dog walk that morning (who knew) and that she had actually been in labour since noon.  The hospital was frantically looking for a more advanced unit to transfer us to because they were not prepared for 31 week twins.  Tense moments passed and we received the OK to be transferred to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto, my wife by Ambulance and I in our car after stopping to pick up a few more things for overnight.  Again, a blur of a car ride home and then downtown, quick phone calls to parents and siblings to ask for help with the dog and cat and to keep us all in their thoughts as things progressed.  

Looking back on this part of our experience, it is very hard to express all of the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the day.  It is equally challenging to put in perspective so that others can truly understand.  What I do remember was feeling strangely at ease, despite all of the tension and running around.  That those around me (meaning my family, colleagues and friends) were far more worried than I was or we were...perhaps it's because we had inside information or perhaps it was because we had each other...I do know that once I arrived at Sunnybrook and even before that, while we were together seeing my wife gave me a sense that everything was going to be alright.  

So my "almost home" little men, the lesson I have learned from this is to believe in yourself and those you love when in high pressure situations.  You will experience things that you are not prepared for throughout your life and you will have people who help you find your calm self and others who you will need to help find their calm selves.  You have an incredible power to overcome, resiliency in times of crisis is something that is in your DNA, remember to breathe and take stock and believe.  Sometimes, you will need to be the rock...relish these moments to be at your best and you will do great things.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #2

So the first thing people ask when they find out your pregnant is usually do you know what you are having.  This question is often the first place your mind goes after the initial shock, surprise and joy wears off.  At this point in time the practical begins to set in and you begin to think about things like decorating and names.  For some, I imagine that this debate (to find out or not to find out) may take some time to come to a resolution and may even lead to some hard feelings among couples.  In our case, there really was no debate.  I set out in the beginning (before I knew there were two coming) pretty much set on keeping things a surprise to the end, however, whether it was  a simple realization or a moment of weakness, I found myself deferring to my wife.  I think the realization was that although we would be partners in parenthood and share in our caring and loving of our soon to be babies, when it came to the pregnancy, I was not really the one doing the heavy lifting (unless you count boxes, furniture, luggage, etc.). So after careful consideration and a few teeter-totter moments the decision was made to wait and keep our future babies' genders a surprise.

Over the next few weeks of congratulations and fanfare the question continued to come up.  More often than not people were understanding of our decision although at the same time we were often reminded of how difficult we were making things in terms of planning.  In many cases, this was unintentional, "Good for you," people would say, "with twins I couldn't do that."  Others were more overt stating that we were crazy for not finding out.  At times, we would doubt our decision on these practical terms...we would have to think about 4 different names, we would have to visualize three very different futures and we couldn't really shop ahead because you would be surprised about how little gender neutral baby gear/attire is out there (I kept pushing for grey and beige onesies, but there is only so much bland one can accept).  However, in our eyes these were minor inconveniences that didn't compare to the excitement and surprise to come on the day of their birth.  Plus it would make for a good guessing game for relatives and friends over the next few months.  Now I am not trying to say that waiting to learn the gender of your baby(ies) is the only way to go, it was just our way and I am glad we stuck to it despite the occasional suggestion that we were making things more difficult.  The surprise when our two sons arrived was a defining moment in our lives.

So, my two little men, the important thing to remember is that there will be moments when you have to make decisions that may make your life more difficult in order to achieve your goals or maintain your values.  At the same time you will meet people who will tell you that you are crazy for taking the road less traveled.  When faced with these moments remember to stay true to yourself and be confident in your decision.  There will also be times when a family member or friend will be making a similar decision and will seemingly be making a bad choice.  During these times you will need to be supportive, empathetic and compassionate because as much as you may feel you can offer advice, you can never truly walk in somebody else's shoes.  In short, stay true to yourself in everything you do and respectfully allow others the freedom to do the same without judgment.

Life Lesson For My Little Men #1

When we first found out we were pregnant, and I say we because I am sharing my experience although I know that my wife did most of the work on that front, we experienced all emotions imaginable.  First of all, we were surprised.  We hadn't been trying to get pregnant but more so, we hadn't been trying not to get pregnant for a month or two and so when it happened so quickly, I think surprise was the most natural feeling.  Next came an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement.  Things were about to change a great deal in our lives and the thought of caring for a new little one and watching them grow up brought tears to both of our eyes.  The third emotion, which again I think is totally natural, was worry and doubt.  Doubt in our abilities.  Doubt in our preparation.  Doubt in the finances (let's be honest, that was my department...as I am sure it is with many dads-to-be).  And thus, the roller coaster started...pretty much from the time the little stick indicated we were expecting.  Over the next few weeks, the levels of doubt subsided and joy and anticipation took over.  We picked up books, read websites and began preparing.  We went to our first ultrasound and got our first glimpse at the little kidney bean shaped beginnings of our child to be.  Then came the first appointment with the OBGYN.  I was at work when I received a frantic call from my wife and immediately thought the worst.  As I walked quickly from my office to ensure cell phone reception my office is in a windowless bunker) and to get a bit of privacy I anticipated the worst.  Through tears on the other end of the line she said, "It's not what your thinking, it's good news, I think."  At this point, I am clueless and waited for what felt like ages before a further explanation arrived.  "We are expecting twins."  For the next few minutes we reassured each other that this news was great, that it didn't really change anything and we were truly excited.  Over the next few days, doubt began to resurface as a secondary emotion.  At times, our strength and resolve would fade and we would need reassurance that things were going to be okay.  I am not entirely sure what truly helped us through the tougher times, beyond the obvious joy of being parents-to-be.  I would like to say it was my undeniable strength of character, however, I know that isn't true...and let's be honest, there are very few people in this world who can be rock solid all of the time (perhaps maybe Hugh Jackman, he seems like he is chiseled out of stone).  In the end, I feel that maybe it had more to do with the strength of our relationship with each other, family and friends that helped through the darker times.  Whenever one of us was struggling their was always somebody to help focus on the positive, the joy and the love in our lives past, present and future.  In the end, we both knew in our hearts that this was something that we were not only ready for, but that would be the greatest experience of our lives.  So, to couch this all in a life lesson for my little men I would say this.  Are there cloudy days??? Of course, but in the end without clouds would we appreciate the sun or a cold bevy on a hot day (if you're anything like your dad...this statement will make a lot of sense in about 18 years...and it better be 18 years;) ). Remember during those cloudy or difficult times that you don't have to go it alone. That there will always be others who can help you through tough times and to see the light in any situation. Your mother and I will be two of those people, but there will also be many others, please don't hesitate to seek out help. 

Keep smilin'

IC

Welcome to my blog

I partially regret not starting this blog several months ago when my journey as a father of twins began, but at the time, it didn't seem necessary.  For those reading this blog, I also apologize for this initial post as it is my first attempt at this, and being a person who hasn't normally relied on journaling to decompress and reflect, it may be quite amateurish.  The reason I have decided to start writing is two fold, firstly, I am hoping it provides some opportunity for self-reflection in what has been and will continue to be the greatest experience of my life.  Secondly, I am also hopeful that it can serve to help others who find themselves in a similar situation, let me explain this further.  My wife and I have often been fortunate or unfortunate, depending on your view point, in that we often experience major life events in significant chunks.  For example, the summer we were married, I had just accepted a new position which meant both a career move and physical move to a new city, followed closely by the death of a grandparent and my wife starting her first teaching job.  For this life altering moment, I had again just started a new job, we had just bought our first home and within a few weeks of signing on the dotted line we found out that we were pregnant...with twins.  My hope over the next few posts is to catch up on the first few months of our pregnancy, discuss the emotions, the ups and downs, the joy and trepidation, the areas where "the books" were helpful and some of the places where we felt under informed. Again, if you find yourself in a similar place in life, I hope you find this useful, relate able or at least entertaining.  In my experience, life has a crazy way of working out, or at least I have been privileged enough to have that outcome in my journey thus far.  Currently, we are the proud parents of two boys, who will spend the next 6 weeks (or so) in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) after arriving ahead of schedule.  Stay tuned for more.

IC