Life Lesson for Me - Just a little patience

I'm a bad parent.  

There are days when I get home from work and simply don't have the patience or mental capacity needed to keep up with Andrew and James.  Enter parental guilt!  I spend most days wishing I could be around them more and be involved in their lives. Yet when I am finally home I need to excuse myself so I don't blow a stack.  Some days, this isn't possible and while I try to limit the volume of my voice it's a challenge when you have two young men who are competing for attention and quite often at their tired silly phase of the day.

I have now promised myself several times that I will figure out a different way to provide direction and guidance.  That I will be above all else patient.  That I will take time to collect myself.  But doing so after being in go-go-go mode since 6 am is challenging if not seemingly impossible.  Is this modern parenting? Being resigned to not being your best around your kids and at the same time understanding that they likely aren't at their best either.  

Two days ago I decided to follow some advice I give James and Andrew.  When I started to feel my energy level crash and my patience wane I left the room.  I took a self-imposed "Time-out", played a little guitar and came back downstairs in a better mood.  I'd love to do this every time and goodness knows I am going to try to find other strategies that work and allow me to be present.  After all, if I am feeling pressed and stretched I know my partner is too and so withdrawing nightly just as things ramp up is likely not the best thing.  

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect.  I imagine that pressure bleeds down to the next generation and though they don't necessarily know how to describe it in words, there must be some transfer and impact.  I can recall points in my own childhood where the worst possible outcome was disappointing my parents and not living up to expectations.  So how do we reset? How do we encourage dialogue when we are so exhausted, stressed or tugged by multiple priorities (some professional but many personal) that every minute seems like it is scheduled or task defined?  How do we be in a world that seems defined by what we do?  

I care about my boys a lot.  I love them with all my soul and would do anything to support them as they grow.  Some days I do a lousy job of showing them that.  Some days I am a bad parent!

IC

For Andrew and James: when the time comes and you read this or someone reads it to you please know that patience, understanding and empathy are all developing skills.  Dad is a work in progress as I know you are too. 

Love Dad

PS - thanks for being you in all that you do including wearing a tie with sweatpants!


Ian

Life Lesson #48 - 4 Years Old

How do you summarize 4 years of learning and growing in one blog post? You don't.  In fact, it would make little sense to try.  Four years of lessons taught, lessons learned, insights gained and opportunities gone by would be challenging to fit in a novel so instead, I'm going to write about one exchange that took place late in the day, when dad and his sons were both wiped.

We spent yesterday at Canada's Wonderland.  I was fortunate to take the day off work, which can be personally challenging as this is a point in the year when work is beyond busy and I am beyond personally invested in being there.  The day at Wonderland was filled with rides, dinosaurs, funnel cake and walking.  It was tiring.  At one point, James was asked what ride he wanted to go on next.  His response, "is there a ride that is shaped like a bed?  One that is a soft bed I can have a little rest on."  By the time 3 pm came around we were all done and began the commute home, which meant more walking.  At home it was dinner with grandparents and the opening of a few gifts.  By the time bedtime came around everyone needed it. 

We measured heights on the chart on the wall noting both have added about 3.5" in the last year. After a few stories and the brushing of teeth we began the slow migration into bed.  When James and Andrew get tired, they get chatty.  They can talk a conversation in circles better than any politician and as I heard the same thing for the third time I began to get frustrated.  Eventually, I played the stern voice card which given their mental state led to tears.  As I realized my error in patience and comforted James, I offered an explanation/excuse for my frustration.  That's when Andrew looked at me and said, "Dad, why when you are frustrated do you not speak in your normal voice? Why do you use your angry voice?" In a moment, I learned how much they have grown and learned.  We have often encouraged James and Andrew to talk out their frustrations.  We have often asked them to reflect on how a situation might have gone better had they been able to express their feelings without using their angry voice.  I have often thought that they weren't hearing us.  And yesterday I was proved wrong.  Oh they are hearing and have even learned to question what they see as inappropriate behaviour when an adult does it.

So four years later and I am still amazed at how being their dad makes me feel.  On a daily basis I feel pride, happiness, love, kindness, charmed, gracious, thankful, and the list goes on.  Somedays I feel frustrated, and that's okay as long as I express that frustration in a way that is appropriate (firm, kind, and sincere).  Andrew and James, you taught me that!

Love on your 4th birthday,

Dad