Life Lesson for my Little Men #35

This time of year marks a pretty important time in my annual calendar.  As somebody who works with and educates university students, it marks the beginning of another academic year.  As the father of James and Andrew, it represents the anniversary of them entering our lives.  All in all, the last week of August/first week of September is an inherently busy time in my life.  This year has been no different, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Each September I have the fortune of experiencing the same renewal that many feel during the new year.  It's a time of promise, of ending reflection and beginning to take action (not that action wasn't required in the lead up, it's just moved up in the priority list), and perhaps most importantly it's a time of seemingly endless energy, spark, and enthusiasm.  Each September marks a new beginning.  An opportunity for new students to experience an institution for the first time.  An opportunity for returning students to renew their passion and reach for their potential.  An opportunity for graduating students to round the final bend and raise their hands in recognition.  An opportunity for me to ride on the coat tails of this spirit in reaching a few of my own goals.  What I have learned over the last decade of doing this work is that by far the most important aspect of my job (and the part that I find most rewarding) is supporting students in realizing their dreams.  For each person this is entirely different and involves taking time to listen but also placing priority on being present and available.

 This September, a great deal of attention has been paid in the media to events occurring at various post-secondary institutions around the country.  I thought it may be important to reflect and express my thoughts as somebody who has spent the better part of my adult life involved in the transition of new students to university.  First off, I am not surprised that inappropriate chants and activities have come to the attention of the media.  This is in no way a condoning statement but in fact is just the unfortunate reality on campuses today.  In my experience working with students on planning orientation activities it is rare that students do not understand the gravity of the message, however, how that understanding translates into action is quite the opposite.  This is especially true when the words "tradition" come into play.  You would be amazed at how often "we have always done that" is used to excuse behaviour that in all other aspects is vile and reprehensible.  However, in my opinion that's precisely why it is important that students play a role in planning and implementing these activities...the conversation that is had with an educated professional and the learning occurs during that conversation.  In today's world of higher education, it is increasingly important that students are exposed to learning beyond the classroom and that this learning consist of more than simply practical opportunities to apply what they have learned in class...why? Because there is an incredible amount that they are not taught as a part of the curriculum.  This is even more the case in non-liberal arts programs.  Truthfully, if not for exposure to these concepts through extra-curricular involvement, most students are left on their own...or in the hands of peers and media to form opinions on an incredible number of topics that one might consider important to our society's future (diversity, healthy sexual relationships, the sustainability of the environment, etc.)  I often point to my own education as a case example.  When I attended university for my undergraduate degree in business, we had a quarter credit devoted to ethics in business...out of 20 credits.  Now I could have taken elective courses as a part of that 20 which would have contributed to my understanding of ethical behaviour, however, the option was mine.  I hope you see the challenge that this represents.

When done right, university orientation should be a time of connection, finding one's place (belonging), academic adjustment, resource building, discovery and exploration, and most importantly safe and inclusive.  The fact that incidents like those mentioned in the article linked above exist should not be met with outright condemnation of the events or students involved.  It should, however, lead us to ask the questions about how we can make changes and use this as a learning opportunity.  I don't in anyway begrudge the media attention that has been directed to these incidents, nor am I "siding" with the students...I don't feel that this has been blown out of proportion.  I do think that this conversation needed to happen and I am encouraged by the dialogue it has created.  In the end, these are mistakes that young people make...not excusable by any means, but evident of a larger issue facing us, the education and development of our youth.

So my little men, who are busy learning how to put words into sentences, this message is very timely and deviates from the normal lessons I have for you as it is not derived from your current behaviour or my reflections on your growth.  My hope is that as you grow, you will take the opportunity to learn the importance of valuing others...and not just those that you know but also those you don't.  If we (society) could truly find a way to equate the value of ALL then the attitudes expressed in misogynistic, hetero-normative, racist and insensitive chants and behaviour should not be an issue.  In today's world, we are surrounded with messages about the value that we can place on things (material things, social services, economic development, sustainability), however what is often absent is the message about the value we place on every living thing we interact with.  That value, so you are aware, is beyond all measures of physical wealth and should be what helps ground you.  I choose that word (ground) because it is often too easy to have your own values challenged and diluted by the actions of your peers.  In these times, when things start to go awry or feel "icky" it is important that you take a stand, express your concern, and assist and support the learning process.  If that is something you don't feel safe doing, then my hope would be that you have somebody that you feel comfortable telling and asking for help...heck, it could be me. 

Love always,

Dad

PS - I love our wrestling/bouncing escapades...however, on a full stomach I am not sure that the outcome is what you desire (consider this fair warning)

Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #4

So here I sit thinking back to the last few months and trying to remember what happened.  Truthfully, time sped by and things happened at a pace that I had not experienced before in my life.  When you have two little ones on the way, the planning and decisions tended to be a blur and you arrive at a place where you are comfortable without really knowing how you got there.  Toward the end of the summer, this is where we found ourselves.  My wife went back to work (she's a teacher), and things started to speed up for me with both work a school coming together...deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.  

So we found ourselves in the last week of August with a shower planned for the 2nd week of September, a nursery that was painted (as of the week before) filled with half assembled furniture and little time for the next few weeks to really do much work.  This was going to be alright because we would get through the first few weeks of busy times and as things started to round into form toward the middle of the month we would pick up where we left off, buy a few more things for the babies (like one of those mobile things for the crib), hang some art or maybe some curtains, and be truly prepared long before they were scheduled to arrive.  The last Thursday in August (two days before Labour Day Weekend here in Canada, trust me the irony is not lost on me) we went in for an ultrasound.  During our appointment the tech. went and found the doctor which had happened before and was pretty standard although this time it didn't feel standard.  After a lengthy conversation, we found out that something wasn't quite right and that my wife would have to come into the hospital the following day for another ultrasound and possibly kept for the weekend so that there would be access to the equipment during the holiday.  The issue, while I am not sure of medical terminology, is that it appeared that the two rooms our little ones had inhabited had joined together and that our babies had not grown in size in four weeks.  If this issue would reverse itself then there would be no problem, if it didn't then we would have to consider inducing labour early...at the time, no biggy, we'll get through it.  

The following day, I am at work on the busiest day of the year.  Things are going well and I plan on coming up to the hospital with a bag full of goodies to get my wife through the weekend.  As I am packing things up I get a call and for the second time in our pregnancy I answer a phone to tears..."Get Here As Soon As You Can" the voice says and quickly hangs up...I grab what I can and head to the hospital.  I don't know how I got there, how long it took or even if I touched the ground from the parking lot up the stairs and into the Birthing Unit, all that I remember was a feeling of dread.  Once I found my wife I discovered that her water had broken on our dog walk that morning (who knew) and that she had actually been in labour since noon.  The hospital was frantically looking for a more advanced unit to transfer us to because they were not prepared for 31 week twins.  Tense moments passed and we received the OK to be transferred to Sunnybrook hospital in Toronto, my wife by Ambulance and I in our car after stopping to pick up a few more things for overnight.  Again, a blur of a car ride home and then downtown, quick phone calls to parents and siblings to ask for help with the dog and cat and to keep us all in their thoughts as things progressed.  

Looking back on this part of our experience, it is very hard to express all of the ideas, thoughts and emotions of the day.  It is equally challenging to put in perspective so that others can truly understand.  What I do remember was feeling strangely at ease, despite all of the tension and running around.  That those around me (meaning my family, colleagues and friends) were far more worried than I was or we were...perhaps it's because we had inside information or perhaps it was because we had each other...I do know that once I arrived at Sunnybrook and even before that, while we were together seeing my wife gave me a sense that everything was going to be alright.  

So my "almost home" little men, the lesson I have learned from this is to believe in yourself and those you love when in high pressure situations.  You will experience things that you are not prepared for throughout your life and you will have people who help you find your calm self and others who you will need to help find their calm selves.  You have an incredible power to overcome, resiliency in times of crisis is something that is in your DNA, remember to breathe and take stock and believe.  Sometimes, you will need to be the rock...relish these moments to be at your best and you will do great things.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #1

When we first found out we were pregnant, and I say we because I am sharing my experience although I know that my wife did most of the work on that front, we experienced all emotions imaginable.  First of all, we were surprised.  We hadn't been trying to get pregnant but more so, we hadn't been trying not to get pregnant for a month or two and so when it happened so quickly, I think surprise was the most natural feeling.  Next came an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement.  Things were about to change a great deal in our lives and the thought of caring for a new little one and watching them grow up brought tears to both of our eyes.  The third emotion, which again I think is totally natural, was worry and doubt.  Doubt in our abilities.  Doubt in our preparation.  Doubt in the finances (let's be honest, that was my department...as I am sure it is with many dads-to-be).  And thus, the roller coaster started...pretty much from the time the little stick indicated we were expecting.  Over the next few weeks, the levels of doubt subsided and joy and anticipation took over.  We picked up books, read websites and began preparing.  We went to our first ultrasound and got our first glimpse at the little kidney bean shaped beginnings of our child to be.  Then came the first appointment with the OBGYN.  I was at work when I received a frantic call from my wife and immediately thought the worst.  As I walked quickly from my office to ensure cell phone reception my office is in a windowless bunker) and to get a bit of privacy I anticipated the worst.  Through tears on the other end of the line she said, "It's not what your thinking, it's good news, I think."  At this point, I am clueless and waited for what felt like ages before a further explanation arrived.  "We are expecting twins."  For the next few minutes we reassured each other that this news was great, that it didn't really change anything and we were truly excited.  Over the next few days, doubt began to resurface as a secondary emotion.  At times, our strength and resolve would fade and we would need reassurance that things were going to be okay.  I am not entirely sure what truly helped us through the tougher times, beyond the obvious joy of being parents-to-be.  I would like to say it was my undeniable strength of character, however, I know that isn't true...and let's be honest, there are very few people in this world who can be rock solid all of the time (perhaps maybe Hugh Jackman, he seems like he is chiseled out of stone).  In the end, I feel that maybe it had more to do with the strength of our relationship with each other, family and friends that helped through the darker times.  Whenever one of us was struggling their was always somebody to help focus on the positive, the joy and the love in our lives past, present and future.  In the end, we both knew in our hearts that this was something that we were not only ready for, but that would be the greatest experience of our lives.  So, to couch this all in a life lesson for my little men I would say this.  Are there cloudy days??? Of course, but in the end without clouds would we appreciate the sun or a cold bevy on a hot day (if you're anything like your dad...this statement will make a lot of sense in about 18 years...and it better be 18 years;) ). Remember during those cloudy or difficult times that you don't have to go it alone. That there will always be others who can help you through tough times and to see the light in any situation. Your mother and I will be two of those people, but there will also be many others, please don't hesitate to seek out help. 

Keep smilin'

IC