Life Lesson for my Little Men #35

This time of year marks a pretty important time in my annual calendar.  As somebody who works with and educates university students, it marks the beginning of another academic year.  As the father of James and Andrew, it represents the anniversary of them entering our lives.  All in all, the last week of August/first week of September is an inherently busy time in my life.  This year has been no different, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Each September I have the fortune of experiencing the same renewal that many feel during the new year.  It's a time of promise, of ending reflection and beginning to take action (not that action wasn't required in the lead up, it's just moved up in the priority list), and perhaps most importantly it's a time of seemingly endless energy, spark, and enthusiasm.  Each September marks a new beginning.  An opportunity for new students to experience an institution for the first time.  An opportunity for returning students to renew their passion and reach for their potential.  An opportunity for graduating students to round the final bend and raise their hands in recognition.  An opportunity for me to ride on the coat tails of this spirit in reaching a few of my own goals.  What I have learned over the last decade of doing this work is that by far the most important aspect of my job (and the part that I find most rewarding) is supporting students in realizing their dreams.  For each person this is entirely different and involves taking time to listen but also placing priority on being present and available.

 This September, a great deal of attention has been paid in the media to events occurring at various post-secondary institutions around the country.  I thought it may be important to reflect and express my thoughts as somebody who has spent the better part of my adult life involved in the transition of new students to university.  First off, I am not surprised that inappropriate chants and activities have come to the attention of the media.  This is in no way a condoning statement but in fact is just the unfortunate reality on campuses today.  In my experience working with students on planning orientation activities it is rare that students do not understand the gravity of the message, however, how that understanding translates into action is quite the opposite.  This is especially true when the words "tradition" come into play.  You would be amazed at how often "we have always done that" is used to excuse behaviour that in all other aspects is vile and reprehensible.  However, in my opinion that's precisely why it is important that students play a role in planning and implementing these activities...the conversation that is had with an educated professional and the learning occurs during that conversation.  In today's world of higher education, it is increasingly important that students are exposed to learning beyond the classroom and that this learning consist of more than simply practical opportunities to apply what they have learned in class...why? Because there is an incredible amount that they are not taught as a part of the curriculum.  This is even more the case in non-liberal arts programs.  Truthfully, if not for exposure to these concepts through extra-curricular involvement, most students are left on their own...or in the hands of peers and media to form opinions on an incredible number of topics that one might consider important to our society's future (diversity, healthy sexual relationships, the sustainability of the environment, etc.)  I often point to my own education as a case example.  When I attended university for my undergraduate degree in business, we had a quarter credit devoted to ethics in business...out of 20 credits.  Now I could have taken elective courses as a part of that 20 which would have contributed to my understanding of ethical behaviour, however, the option was mine.  I hope you see the challenge that this represents.

When done right, university orientation should be a time of connection, finding one's place (belonging), academic adjustment, resource building, discovery and exploration, and most importantly safe and inclusive.  The fact that incidents like those mentioned in the article linked above exist should not be met with outright condemnation of the events or students involved.  It should, however, lead us to ask the questions about how we can make changes and use this as a learning opportunity.  I don't in anyway begrudge the media attention that has been directed to these incidents, nor am I "siding" with the students...I don't feel that this has been blown out of proportion.  I do think that this conversation needed to happen and I am encouraged by the dialogue it has created.  In the end, these are mistakes that young people make...not excusable by any means, but evident of a larger issue facing us, the education and development of our youth.

So my little men, who are busy learning how to put words into sentences, this message is very timely and deviates from the normal lessons I have for you as it is not derived from your current behaviour or my reflections on your growth.  My hope is that as you grow, you will take the opportunity to learn the importance of valuing others...and not just those that you know but also those you don't.  If we (society) could truly find a way to equate the value of ALL then the attitudes expressed in misogynistic, hetero-normative, racist and insensitive chants and behaviour should not be an issue.  In today's world, we are surrounded with messages about the value that we can place on things (material things, social services, economic development, sustainability), however what is often absent is the message about the value we place on every living thing we interact with.  That value, so you are aware, is beyond all measures of physical wealth and should be what helps ground you.  I choose that word (ground) because it is often too easy to have your own values challenged and diluted by the actions of your peers.  In these times, when things start to go awry or feel "icky" it is important that you take a stand, express your concern, and assist and support the learning process.  If that is something you don't feel safe doing, then my hope would be that you have somebody that you feel comfortable telling and asking for help...heck, it could be me. 

Love always,

Dad

PS - I love our wrestling/bouncing escapades...however, on a full stomach I am not sure that the outcome is what you desire (consider this fair warning)

Life Lesson For My Little Men #26

So after a few months of struggling through the ever increasing needs of baby proofing (struggling being a poor choice of words, but the best that I can find to fit), I think we have finally come to a reasonable balance between safety and the need to live some semblance of a realistic existence.  As I noted in an earlier post, when James and Andrew began crawling life for Adrienne and I dramatically changed.  Nothing it seems was off limits and for our little ones, the word “No” usually results in a wry smile and giggle as we continue to do what it was that got Dad or Mom so riled up in the first place.  I have decided that it might be beneficial for folks to read a little about this journey as you find your way through the exploration phase. 

First off, anything made of paper is not only tearable but edible…good to know if you have a magazine rack or books that are within 3 and half feet from the ground.  Next, if it is new to them (i.e. They have not seen it in the past 24 hours), then it is brand new and needs to be touched or preferably put in their mouths.  Another nice twist on this dynamic with twins is that it maybe new to one of them and then five minutes later new to the other…creating a constantly rotating game of keep away and possible jealousy.  Another good thing to note is that as they become stronger and can stand, what was out of reach quickly becomes in reach or at least worth making the effort for.  This includes, items on the kitchen table and pets.  If you have a cat it will be a good idea to help your babies (y) understand how to be gentle and what parts (tail) are off limits.  We have also turned off the pilot light on our gas fireplace.  There are grates that you can buy to keep little hands away from the incredibly hot glass, but until we take that leap we thought it was best to leave nothing to chance.  Another good thing to know is that you will have to buy a few things, here’s a list of what we have found works:

1) Safety gates (we bought an even-flo gate from sears, and then Canadian Tire, when we discovered that a tension gate at the top of a short flight of stairs wasn’t quite up to the task). http://www.evenflo.com/product.aspx?id=230

2)   Outlet covers (initially we bought the traditional stick in to the socket covers, but these quickly became a source of entertainment for our lads so we went back to the drawing board and purchased a sliding cover that works on springs). http://www.kidco.com/products-page/electrical/s205/

3)   Cupboard door locks (in the kitchen we have a combination of Ikea basic drawer locks and the magnetic ones that unlock with a key.  Both require some drilling in your cabinets, which caused a bit of apprehension at first, but as long as you are comfortable with a drill and take your time, you’ll be fine). http://www.tot-lok.com/

4)   Our TV stand has two sliding glass drawers that required additional locking mechanisms
http://www.kidco.com/products-page/locks-latches/s410/
5)   Oven knob guards (we have a gas oven and the knobs are on the front, so even if they aren’t able to light it, they could turn it on.  So these are incredibly important).

http://www.safetysuperstore.com/product/18641/clearly_safe_stove_knob_locks/

As I mentioned above, this is an ever-evolving process.  Each day our boys become stronger and more independent meaning that we have to find new ways to keep dangerous objects out of their way.  However, the look of pride that crosses their face when they take a few steps or find something new is completely worth the effort needed to make our place safer.

So my little men who find new ways to make me smile with every minute of every day, I think an important thing to remember is this.  Often we try and do everything to keep those that we love safe from harm, and sometimes we do so at the expense of learning.  We have tried not to remove every obstacle in your way, as obstacles will be a part of your everyday.  Similarly, we often learn to avoid things that may push our limits of understanding or ability, just ask your mom about the two times I have been inline skating with her.  This is a challenging lesson to unlearn.  Life is about discovery.  Modern life has found ways for us to stay in a bubble, but it has also afforded us with great possibilities to learn new things.  It will be important for you to keep an open mind and truly explore the world around you beyond the borders of comfort, safety and ease…please try and take every opportunity to be brave and while the important caveat is that you find balance in doing so, I don’t say so with the thought towards extending limits but to ask you to think before you leap.

Keep exploring, discovering, smiling and laughing!!!!

Love,

Dad

PS – Thanks for your help with the laundry the other day.  Your mom and I truly appreciate the enthusiasm with which you help us unfold what is folded and empty the basket…you have a gift.

Life Lessons for My Little Men #21

It has been nine months since James and Andrew entered our world and, as I am sure all parents can attest to, time is flying by.  It seems like only yesterday that I was leaving work and heading downtown to see my tiny little men in the NICU at Sunnybrook.  As a new dad, what I have found is that often major milestones are happening during the day (when Andrew and James are the most alert and energized) and so routinely I have missed out on the first <fill in the blank here>.  What this has also led to in an unnerving feeling that I am not connecting with my sons the way that I would like to.  Ultimately, the challenge is that somebody has to work in order to pay the <fill in the blank here> and ensure that our family is currently safe and comfortable and that we have as many opportunities as possible in the future.  


I put this out there as a revolutionary idea, but something to consider (not that I have done any of the economics behind it as I will leave the to those who may critique it and have a better understanding of those things.  What if, instead of working right now, I could trade this time for time later in life.  For example, like taking 5 years of pension and RRSP savings up front and then working an additional 5 years later to pay back the system...wouldn't this be an idea (especially given the fact that most people in our generation do not anticipate full retirement until late 60s early 70s)?!?!  It certainly would be a bargain I would be willing to make!  Anyhow, I digress from my initial intent of this post.  The point of my post is that missing these things has left a mark on my own comprehension of my abilities as a father and in some ways challenges how I react when parenting, possibly overcompensating for some slight twinge that I feel in my soul every time I walk out the door in the morning or get a glowing text about what amazing thing has happened in my absence.


I have heard about mother's guilt, and again, I don't presume to suppose that what I am discussing is in anyway equivalent, but I am simply saying it exists.  Recently, this guilt reared its head during play time.  Adrienne was out running errands and so I was entertaining both James and Andrew on the family room floor.  We were carrying on quite well, giggling and smiling, the boys doing their best to share toys while dad did his best to share his attention.  Then things turned.  I got up to stretch my legs (apparently the ability to sit cross legged is something that you lose sometime after high school) and bonk, down went James.  Now the logical me says, that was one of many bumps, bruises and bonks that there will be in his life, but as the tears welled up into his eyes, so to did that feeling of guilt.  If I only get to spend x hours with my sons I don't want them to be painful hours...how could I let this happen...he is so upset, and as I comforted him and wiped the tears from his eyes, I couldn't help feeling that I had let him down.  Again, the logical me knows this won't be the only time that I feel this way, but the first time it happens I can honestly say is heartbreaking.  Now when Adrienne came home and I had a chance to share my story I quickly came to realize that this wasn't his first tumble, and that in fact, my wife was dealing with her own emotions around guilt and letting them down on a far more frequent basis.  At the time, this was a small consolation for my bruised psyche or James' equally bruised noggin. 


So my little men, I guess the lesson to be learned is this: no matter how hard you try to be there, you won't always be able to catch someone you care about before they fall.  In reflecting on this situation, I can now see that at least I was there to comfort and hold you when I wasn't able to prevent something bad from happening.  In fact, at certain points in your life, this will be a far more valuable point of intervention and support than preventing the fall in the first place.  Some people believe that life is a collection of moments, but I would argue that it goes beyond a collection as each of these moments is interwoven in a way that when perceived from afar or in retrospect make it challenging to discern the individual moments from the grand mosaic of the whole experience.  So, while I endeavour to be there for you during all of your moments, reality is that there will be times when I can't be and that perhaps, rather than dwell on that and lose sight of the greater purpose, it is more important to focus on all of the moments that we co-create and how they contribute to our bigger picture.  


Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #17

Many new parents have challenges getting their baby to sleep.  When you have two little wonders, these challenges are magnified ( I would say doubled, but I don't think that this accurately reflects just how overwhelming it can feel) and you often are left seeking answers.  Now, unless you have a solid support network of people who have been through it, you may find that you feel quite alone.  The internet and books can be helpful, and certainly, after giving birth to our two young fellows, we have met and been reunited with many friends who are in the same situation.  However, at the end of the day (literally) you are in it yourself and we certainly struggled.

About a month ago, maybe more now, it's hard to remember, we set about trying to build a stronger routine for our boys, specifically around bedtime.  We set out starting to adjust bedtime earlier and earlier in the evening often preceded by a bath and some reading (sometimes Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss or Robert Munsch, but often something a little shorter).  As we crept closer to a more reasonable time for all of us to hit the hay, the boys mounted a rebellion of mythical proportions.  One day it just seemed like they had a closed door meeting, decided that this new plan was devious and not something that would be tolerated and so they would put a stop to it.  Their protests mounted, often involving tears, sometimes smiles but the results were always the same, two very tired parents and two unhappy and overtired little men.

Each baby is different, and when you have twins, you will realize that each of them is different too.  This becomes incredibly evident when it becomes times for bed.  One of our boys loves story time with Dad, he would spend the entire time sitting and staring at me as I read through a book, complete with voices.  The other, would much rather be coddled and held by mom and while he tolerates story time, it really isn't his thing.  One thing that we found as time marched on is that our two boys did much better while in bed with us than in their crib.  And there came a time when we looked at each other and said, is this really worth it, and the answer was no.  So for the last few months we have been sharing a bed with our two sprawling little men and things have been great.  It certainly helps that neither of us is a restless sleeper and nothing is truly as rewarding as falling asleep with your little boy cuddled up next to you. 

Now I know what you are thinking (or maybe not)...Isn't co-sleeping frowned upon, and the answer is yes...but we have decided to ignore the "surgeon general type" warnings and put our own sanity and the happiness of our little men first.  And since making this decision, I must say we are all sleeping a little better and being a little happier, not to mention the fact that there is something amazing about waking up with your child right next to you.  For a while, we didn't really talk about this with other people, and even once we did, it was with an essence of guilt.  I would say, even now we aren't overly comfortable just blurting this out...although, once this blog is published, I guess that's out the window.  All this is to say that it was important for us to make a decision that was right for us and each family should feel that they have the same right to do so.  

So my little cover stealing boys, now that you are sharing the bed with us I think there are a few important life lessons you can learn.  Number 1, if you are going to let one go...which you will...it is important that you attempt to create an opening to vent , otherwise you may trap something under the covers that will confuse and disgust your bed mate...This is an even more important life lesson as you get older...Number 2, remember that life is about making good choices for you and your family.  Sometimes this will buck the trends or even go against something that is recommended, the important thing is that you take the time to make a rational decision that is in your (and in this case it's the royal your) best interests.  Life is complicated and often the so-called experts write and comment based on generalities, this is helpful in informing our opinion but is not the be all and end all.  I am glad we didn't listen, as not only are we all more rested but I am pretty sure that this stage of your life will be relatively short (in the sense that pretty soon you won't want me in your room let alone cuddling you to sleep) and it has been nice to hold and comfort you to sleep.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #16

So since becoming a father a few things have become all to prevalent in my thoughts.  I am sure that this is the case for many parents as you begin to make changes and take stock of your life.  First off, I have started thinking a great deal about my own life as a child, perhaps planning for an equally rewarding experience for my little fellows.  Of course, my memories often leave out several of the more traumatic experiences and frequently dwell on the exciting or enjoyable (for example, I think of trips to Florida or Disney and leave out the countless visits to Pioneer Villages).  Second, I have started to think about my own mortality...which is something I have often avoided as I have not yet come to terms with it.  Completely related to this is a third new thought which is what world will I leave my children and how will I teach them to leave the world to their kids.  

When we found out we were having twins we decided to make an effort to limit the impact our little ones would have on the environment.  We made a choice to go with cloth diapers, which took some getting used to for both us and the babies, and is requiring further adjustment now that we are starting on solid foods.  I'll explain this further, the cloth diapers we use (happy nappy), in order to be absorbent tend to be much thicker than your traditional disposable.  They are also unique as they are often hand made and so there is some variation in fit.  Finally, there is a liner, which adds an additional step to each diapering session.  On our initial attempt, Adrienne and I didn't know if we would be able to do it...but now, 6 months later, we are hooked and definitely wouldn't go in the other direction.  We do use disposables when we are traveling (appointments, visiting, etc.) and that's enough for us.

Our second commitment was to source as many of our purchases on resale websites like kijiji or craigslist.  Not only does this make good economic sense (the baby product industry, and I believe I can call it that as in my opinion any industry that convinces us that our babies need a warmer for something that wipes their butts is in it for the almighty $$$), but it also supports others in your local area.  In doing this, where ever possible we have tried to buy products that will last and that can be resold or donated to others at a later date.  

In all of our purchases, we have tried to buy products that are made in Canada a plan that carried over from our recent home purchase.  We often do this at a greater expense than if we were to cruise down to the local Walmart (there are soon to be 3 within 3 km of our house...yikes!), but I am more than willing to pay a few dollars more for something that was made here, employed a Canadian but more importantly didn't come across an ocean on a giant, diesel guzzling ship.   The sad part is that what you will find is that there are many things that you simply can't find that have been produced here.  Sad in the sense that it is seen as cheaper (not more sustainable) to ship millions of tiny baby spoons from across the ocean than to simply make them here...in the end though, I question the cheaper/more profitable part of this argument when in the long run it may be our generation or even worse my boys' generation that will need to figure out how to maintain society without fossil fuels to produce food, ship items, drive to work, etc.

We have also made an effort to make our own food.  Again, there are sometimes that this is a challenge and it simply doesn't make sense to do so.  This way we can control what is put in the food, but we can also cut down on the amount of additional waste that we generate.  So far, so good on this one.  Our boys seem ok with their pureed peas, carrots, yams and pears and Adrienne is an excellent cook, I haven't yet ventured into this world.

So my fast growing little men, as you walk through life it is important that you remember your place in this great wide world.  I don't mean this to be daunting and deflating (as often you will feel that you are small and cannot make a difference) but more so to reflect on all that you have been given and all that you must leave to those who follow.  Far too often, we leave things or don't make the smallest of efforts because we don't believe that they have an impact or because they are inconvenient.  For many of us, we should feel privileged that at this point convenience can even weigh into this decision...for your generation my little ones, I am not sure that will be the case.  My point is this, even small changes can make an impact...and the scope of our ability to effect change should never be a part of the question or answer, because truthfully if we all took baby steps...wouldn't we effect change?!?!  People are often quoted as saying that their goal in life is to leave the world a better place than how they found it...however, does this make sense if we are not giving our all to actually leave a physical planet to inhabit?!?!  So as you continue to grow please remember that whenever you can, make decisions that will help heal or sustain the greatest gift we have all been given...this planet to inhabit until such day as we leave it to the next generation.  I wish more in my generation had done a better job of this for you.  Even your smallest efforts will have impact...the important part is that you make the effort.  Love, Dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #2

So the first thing people ask when they find out your pregnant is usually do you know what you are having.  This question is often the first place your mind goes after the initial shock, surprise and joy wears off.  At this point in time the practical begins to set in and you begin to think about things like decorating and names.  For some, I imagine that this debate (to find out or not to find out) may take some time to come to a resolution and may even lead to some hard feelings among couples.  In our case, there really was no debate.  I set out in the beginning (before I knew there were two coming) pretty much set on keeping things a surprise to the end, however, whether it was  a simple realization or a moment of weakness, I found myself deferring to my wife.  I think the realization was that although we would be partners in parenthood and share in our caring and loving of our soon to be babies, when it came to the pregnancy, I was not really the one doing the heavy lifting (unless you count boxes, furniture, luggage, etc.). So after careful consideration and a few teeter-totter moments the decision was made to wait and keep our future babies' genders a surprise.

Over the next few weeks of congratulations and fanfare the question continued to come up.  More often than not people were understanding of our decision although at the same time we were often reminded of how difficult we were making things in terms of planning.  In many cases, this was unintentional, "Good for you," people would say, "with twins I couldn't do that."  Others were more overt stating that we were crazy for not finding out.  At times, we would doubt our decision on these practical terms...we would have to think about 4 different names, we would have to visualize three very different futures and we couldn't really shop ahead because you would be surprised about how little gender neutral baby gear/attire is out there (I kept pushing for grey and beige onesies, but there is only so much bland one can accept).  However, in our eyes these were minor inconveniences that didn't compare to the excitement and surprise to come on the day of their birth.  Plus it would make for a good guessing game for relatives and friends over the next few months.  Now I am not trying to say that waiting to learn the gender of your baby(ies) is the only way to go, it was just our way and I am glad we stuck to it despite the occasional suggestion that we were making things more difficult.  The surprise when our two sons arrived was a defining moment in our lives.

So, my two little men, the important thing to remember is that there will be moments when you have to make decisions that may make your life more difficult in order to achieve your goals or maintain your values.  At the same time you will meet people who will tell you that you are crazy for taking the road less traveled.  When faced with these moments remember to stay true to yourself and be confident in your decision.  There will also be times when a family member or friend will be making a similar decision and will seemingly be making a bad choice.  During these times you will need to be supportive, empathetic and compassionate because as much as you may feel you can offer advice, you can never truly walk in somebody else's shoes.  In short, stay true to yourself in everything you do and respectfully allow others the freedom to do the same without judgment.