Life Lesson for My Little Men #15

Please bear with me as I rant a little bit in an effort to get something off of my chest.  My hope in writing this is to raise a little awareness of an issue but also to put down on paper or better yet into the universe.  So we have gotten to a point in our journey where we are deciding what to do when Adrienne's maternity leave comes to an end.  I never thought this decision would be overly challenging and I think both of us just assumed that she would go back to work (see Life Lesson #14 for something to consider on this front), but with twins and the fact that they were 8 weeks early, we have had to recalibrate a little bit.  When we found out we were having twins a story briefly hit the news in Canada about a couple who was in court to appeal the length of time that they could take on Mat. Leave after the birth of their twins.  The basis of their appeal was that if they had given birth to their children 12 months apart, they would have been able to take 2 years of parental leave.  The government's stance on this is that it constitutes one birth (although, I think if you asked, most women would say that they could plainly feel two actual births...just sayin'), and so parents are entitled to one year.

Here's the thing, I am not usually a complainer and I know we have it better than some, so I am not in any way trying to diminish the value of what we have, however, I think the additional year is something to consider and here is why.  1) Fairness, as mentioned above, if we had been blessed with two children born a year apart, we would have been entitled to 2 full years of leave, as it stands we have one year and two children (all of our costs are as if we had two children and it doesn't seem that we will be lucky enough to pay for childcare for one given that there was "only one birth").  As part of this argument, it is not as if we planned to have twins...in fact, twins don't run in the family so we would never even have known, so in essence, because of a little miracle we are not treated the same as another couple by our government.  2) Our boys were born early and as I have highlighted earlier, this means that when we reach a year and my wife is scheduled to return to work, they won't be as far along as most their age.  Some day-cares won't even take them if they can't walk, so we may be left with little choice...but also, we don't think they will be ready for full time child care.  3) We have been lucky, despite a rocky start both of our sons are very healthy, however, many couples who give birth to multiples are not so lucky, the extra year would be incredibly helpful in ensuring that the children were ready physically and emotionally for mom (or dad) to go back to work.  4) Raising twins is not the same as raising two children and certainly during the first year, this is not the case.  Adrienne is a champ and has been incredible at adjusting to her new role, but there is little time for her to recover.  For example, nap time is sometimes a family event but is more often a solo past-time which leaves mom entertaining whichever of the two has decided to push through the momentary exhaustion and blow drool bubbles.  An additional amount of time for leave would be ease some of this exhaustion.

So in the end, I hope this doesn't sound like a "it's not fair" kind of rant, believe me, I know that life isn't.  And, it is not an effort to get a bit more of a handout, we have never been the type to want one without the expectation that we would pay it back.  It is however, an effort to dialogue about something near to my heart and at the front of my conscious right now as we are possibly coming to terms with a time of single income support for a young family. 

So, my little men who have all the potential and possibility to do great things, I guess the life lesson is this:  Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to make choices and live with your values in mind and action, things will come up which will cause you to re-evaluate.  Your mom, as you will know when you read this, is an incredible educator and has always taken joy in being a smart, successful, caring and giving woman.  When you two came along, it took a while to come to grips with the fact that life for both of us had changed and priorities began to look different, sacrifices had to be made.  One such sacrifice is career goals.  Sometimes, there will be help in making this decision or easing the impact and other times, there won't be. I guess the important part is to take time to sit down, reflect on your options, talk openly with those that will be affected and then make the best decision, even if it means that in the short term things will get tougher.  In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that you have made the best choice that you can, which sometimes won't be the easiest road or even the road you have always traveled  on...but it will be the road that leads to the best outcome.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #3

So, there are a couple of things that you have to undertake as expecting father in preparation for the arrival of your baby(ies).  Some of these are quite obvious, set up the nursery, begin purchasing all of the paraphernalia needed by your new born from now until age 25, start the discussion about names (if you haven't already figured that out) and begin educating yourself.  Let's face facts, your wife will have expectations about how you will engage in your expectancy based on her own level of commitment.  If your wife begins buying all kinds of books and sending you daily emails from sites dedicated to preparing you for all of the ups and downs along the way, then be fully prepared to read this material, comment on it during your daily conversations and have an opinion about the various decisions that are upcoming (remember from my earlier post that it is important to remember to be flexible on these opinions). 

In my case, and not just because she can read this, my wife and I kept a pretty balanced outlook through out.  We had books, which we read with varying degrees of commitment.  We attended prenatal classes (ours was entitled "The Realities of Childbirth" a foreboding moniker that I am still unclear of its actual purpose, because at this point it's a little late to try and scare us out of it...we're kind of in it...).  We sought advice from the usual sources, those with babies, our own mom's, medical professionals when needed.  My biggest word of advice on all of this info is to take it one step at a time and take it with a grain of salt.  Your pregnancy is just that, your pregnancy.  In the same way, your children will be your children and it is important for you to find your own way through it.  There will be advice and information that is pretty much mandatory mostly for your partner (stop smoking, stay active, eat well, avoid caffeine) be ready to support her through these tough changes.  There will be other advice that is on the "we'll do our best, but it's not really vital" portion of the scale.  And there will be the stuff that you simply ignore because it will not work for you.  In our case there was a smattering of all of this stuff.  

One area where this was the case was prenatal class...aka, the horrific truth of a overly medical birthing experience.  Now I am sure that in many ways this class was useful and was meant to balance out the advice traditionally given by your medical doctor, but in my opinion it simply stretched a little far at times.  I appreciated knowing that the birth experience wouldn't be like some horrible scene from alien where through an incredible amount of screaming and violent thrashing this tiny parasitic being would emerge from my wife in a sea of blood and guts...however, it was challenging at times to hear suggestions that your doctor will want you to have an epidural or c-section because it makes their lives easier.  As I said, grain of salt.  

You and your partner will have to make some pretty challenging decisions and all of this information can muddy the water and make seeing what is truly important to you challenging.  You will be told, have them sleep in your room from one source and ensure that they sleep in their own room from another.  In many ways being a parent will be the most criticized job you will ever have, and it feels like it starts from day one.  Only you will know what will work for you and how you should proceed and surprisingly, much of that is incredible natural and sort of comes to you...if it doesn't don't worry, for most you will have time.  In our case we really didn't have a whole lot because of our little mens' decision to jump ship early.  

So my tiny but growing little men, when faced with overwhelming information and opinions remember to breathe and do what comes naturally.  Billions of years of evolution have not necessarily removed the most basic of instincts.  Others' personal experiences and advice have not trumped the natural urges and tendencies that you will experience.  In many ways, our experience when we were expecting you brought us closer to each other and nature as it began to just make sense.  

Love, Dad