Life Lesson #51 - You be You

Andrew and James have had a great start to their academic careers.  Junior kindergarten or in their case kindergarten has been full of new learning, activity, and friends.  On a daily basis I come home to something exciting that they have discovered or achieved.  But with all that good comes some bad and so I thought I'd write a bit about the unlearning of school.

A few weeks back I was dolling out an evening snack.  I grabbed two colourful plastic plates and gave one (bright green) to Andrew and the other (bright pink) to James.  James promptly turned up his nose and Andrew chimed in with his observation that the plate was a "girls' colour."  This left me perplexed, we had never associated colour with gender and so I started asking a lot of questions in an effort to build an understanding of where this newfound opinion that colours had gender came from.  What I discovered is hardly shocking, it's something they picked up talking to their friends.  From this point we started to explore the topic.  We talked about favourite colours and being confident in being who we are, liking what we like and being comfortable when others do the same.  In the end both James and Andrew seemed to understand that colour isn't assigned a gender and that they can like, wear and eat off what they like.

This is not the first case of unlearning, nor will it be the last.  We have already faced the "I'm telling on you," "I'm not your best friend," and inevitable little boys running around the house making gun noises.  This time however, it felt that the stakes were higher.  It felt like a core value of our family was being threatened by outside influence.  The tough part is that it's not the last time we will deal with this.  In fact, just yesterday Adrienne told me a story of frustration at the reaction of the boys in class to Andrew bringing a doll to school.  She expressed feeling confused as to what to do as his face dropped at their strong reaction of disgust at his choice to play with a doll.

Adrienne and I both expected that at school things would happen that would be outside of our control.  We are far from protective or sheltering parents and encourage the boys to take appropriate risks and push their comfort levels.  Challenge and support.  However, I feel it important to express my naivety about how often we would have to defend our values as parents.  How often we would have to build up the confidence of little men who just want to be who they are and be loved for it.  How often the choices of others in terms of how they raise their children would enter our home and impact James and Andrew.  Unfortunately, I had told myself a tale of having to defend the mysticalness of Santa or the Easter Bunny rather than thinking of the much more socially liberal and open-minded values we as parents have chosen to instil in our children...Silly Me!

The bright side of this reality are the opportunities to talk and discuss some pretty big topics as a family.  I don't think that can be overlooked.  Without conflict and controversy we as people would have a hard time establishing an identity that is our own.  This conflict absent of conversation has the opportunity to create a divide in who we are and to leave us feeling confused, torn or incomplete.  And so, we keep talking, continue to encourage confidence, and empower our children to be themselves.

So Andrew and James, it is my hope that you continue to explore and build your identity.  I recognize and know that your friends will have a great influence in your lives.  I know that outside influences shaped who I am today and continue to help me redefine how I see myself in the world around me.  This is how life works.  However, I think it is equally important to note that this is not something that simply happens without question, challenge and reflection.  You have the opportunity to become exactly the person you want to be, to grow and develop into the person you are happy with, and to be you.  If you feel that being taken away by somebody else I encourage you to think about why and be confident in expressing a contrary point of view.  There will be times when this is hard, particularly when you feel outnumbered or alone, but if you are acting to stay true to your values and yourselves, and with a caring heart you can't go wrong.  You are the one and only you in this world, if you try and be somebody else you deprive the world of the beauty your uniqueness.

Love

Dad

New Beginnings = Regrets of a Busy Dad!

So it's been a long time since I have written, which seems to be the starting sentence from my last several blogs.  I imagined writing would get more difficult as time went by simply because of how busy things get, however, I had no idea how hard it would be not only to carve out time but to write a blog based on the parameters I had set out.  This blog will be a departure from that norm.

The countdown has begun.  No, not the Final Countdown, although that was a great sing-a-long song by Journey that made a resurgence a few years back.  I am referring to the countdown to the beginning of school.  

At work, I am a master of change, in terms of managing my stress and emotions.  In fact, I sometimes worry that I am too robotic.  At home is a completely different story.  I have told myself countless times that this is not the end but the beginning.  That billions of people have done this exact thing and it works out fine.  That this will open us up to a whole new chapter.  However, when all of the self talk is done I arrive back at the very same place, it is the end.  We won't be going back.  My boys are in fact growing up.

I try to live my life with minimal regret, I think no regret is impossible as to have no regrets means denying yourself an emotion tied with looking back plus the learning that comes with it.  Minimal regret, however, allows me to look back, determine what I might have done differently and move on.  In this case, minimal regret is tough.  3 years ago, after the boys first birthday I switched jobs.  The new job would bring career fulfillment, a few more dollars but more importantly happiness in what I was doing.  

Ian, what was the downside you might ask?!?! 

Well, almost 3 hours of daily travel.  I went from a 20 minute morning drive/bike ride to 3 hours of car/bike/ train/ walk to work.  And with that, I lost several hours of key parental time.

So now, here I sit evaluating this decision.  I have never been happier in my career (looking for brownie points if any folks at Ryerson are reading this).  I know I am in the 'right' place.  The extra money afforded us the ability to live a certain lifestyle while Adrienne worked from home.  And yet, looking back on the decision, I can't help but feel a tinge of regret...after all we aren't going back.  There were moments I lived through Facetime or similar technologies, pictures on my phone of times I wasn't present for, and the lasting impact of the conflict I face almost weekly in asking the question do I stay a little longer or rush home.  Now I know how my working parents felt.

On the first day of school, I'm going to be a mess.  I know it already.  I'll be strong and logical until I see the boys off and then I will be a wreck.  In the end, I'll be fine...after all, how many parents have gone through the same thing?!?  I do have a favour to ask though, if you see a parent really struggling on September 8th, please reserve judgment.  Practice a bit of empathy and try to imagine what they are going through, the sacrifices they have made, the pride they maybe overcome by, or the little bit of regret that might be creeping up from within.

Ian

PS-James and Andrew, when you do in fact read this know that I had some major concerns about your ability to keep your pants on for 7 hours a day... I know, the struggle is real!

Love dad