Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #3

So, there are a couple of things that you have to undertake as expecting father in preparation for the arrival of your baby(ies).  Some of these are quite obvious, set up the nursery, begin purchasing all of the paraphernalia needed by your new born from now until age 25, start the discussion about names (if you haven't already figured that out) and begin educating yourself.  Let's face facts, your wife will have expectations about how you will engage in your expectancy based on her own level of commitment.  If your wife begins buying all kinds of books and sending you daily emails from sites dedicated to preparing you for all of the ups and downs along the way, then be fully prepared to read this material, comment on it during your daily conversations and have an opinion about the various decisions that are upcoming (remember from my earlier post that it is important to remember to be flexible on these opinions). 

In my case, and not just because she can read this, my wife and I kept a pretty balanced outlook through out.  We had books, which we read with varying degrees of commitment.  We attended prenatal classes (ours was entitled "The Realities of Childbirth" a foreboding moniker that I am still unclear of its actual purpose, because at this point it's a little late to try and scare us out of it...we're kind of in it...).  We sought advice from the usual sources, those with babies, our own mom's, medical professionals when needed.  My biggest word of advice on all of this info is to take it one step at a time and take it with a grain of salt.  Your pregnancy is just that, your pregnancy.  In the same way, your children will be your children and it is important for you to find your own way through it.  There will be advice and information that is pretty much mandatory mostly for your partner (stop smoking, stay active, eat well, avoid caffeine) be ready to support her through these tough changes.  There will be other advice that is on the "we'll do our best, but it's not really vital" portion of the scale.  And there will be the stuff that you simply ignore because it will not work for you.  In our case there was a smattering of all of this stuff.  

One area where this was the case was prenatal class...aka, the horrific truth of a overly medical birthing experience.  Now I am sure that in many ways this class was useful and was meant to balance out the advice traditionally given by your medical doctor, but in my opinion it simply stretched a little far at times.  I appreciated knowing that the birth experience wouldn't be like some horrible scene from alien where through an incredible amount of screaming and violent thrashing this tiny parasitic being would emerge from my wife in a sea of blood and guts...however, it was challenging at times to hear suggestions that your doctor will want you to have an epidural or c-section because it makes their lives easier.  As I said, grain of salt.  

You and your partner will have to make some pretty challenging decisions and all of this information can muddy the water and make seeing what is truly important to you challenging.  You will be told, have them sleep in your room from one source and ensure that they sleep in their own room from another.  In many ways being a parent will be the most criticized job you will ever have, and it feels like it starts from day one.  Only you will know what will work for you and how you should proceed and surprisingly, much of that is incredible natural and sort of comes to you...if it doesn't don't worry, for most you will have time.  In our case we really didn't have a whole lot because of our little mens' decision to jump ship early.  

So my tiny but growing little men, when faced with overwhelming information and opinions remember to breathe and do what comes naturally.  Billions of years of evolution have not necessarily removed the most basic of instincts.  Others' personal experiences and advice have not trumped the natural urges and tendencies that you will experience.  In many ways, our experience when we were expecting you brought us closer to each other and nature as it began to just make sense.  

Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #2

So the first thing people ask when they find out your pregnant is usually do you know what you are having.  This question is often the first place your mind goes after the initial shock, surprise and joy wears off.  At this point in time the practical begins to set in and you begin to think about things like decorating and names.  For some, I imagine that this debate (to find out or not to find out) may take some time to come to a resolution and may even lead to some hard feelings among couples.  In our case, there really was no debate.  I set out in the beginning (before I knew there were two coming) pretty much set on keeping things a surprise to the end, however, whether it was  a simple realization or a moment of weakness, I found myself deferring to my wife.  I think the realization was that although we would be partners in parenthood and share in our caring and loving of our soon to be babies, when it came to the pregnancy, I was not really the one doing the heavy lifting (unless you count boxes, furniture, luggage, etc.). So after careful consideration and a few teeter-totter moments the decision was made to wait and keep our future babies' genders a surprise.

Over the next few weeks of congratulations and fanfare the question continued to come up.  More often than not people were understanding of our decision although at the same time we were often reminded of how difficult we were making things in terms of planning.  In many cases, this was unintentional, "Good for you," people would say, "with twins I couldn't do that."  Others were more overt stating that we were crazy for not finding out.  At times, we would doubt our decision on these practical terms...we would have to think about 4 different names, we would have to visualize three very different futures and we couldn't really shop ahead because you would be surprised about how little gender neutral baby gear/attire is out there (I kept pushing for grey and beige onesies, but there is only so much bland one can accept).  However, in our eyes these were minor inconveniences that didn't compare to the excitement and surprise to come on the day of their birth.  Plus it would make for a good guessing game for relatives and friends over the next few months.  Now I am not trying to say that waiting to learn the gender of your baby(ies) is the only way to go, it was just our way and I am glad we stuck to it despite the occasional suggestion that we were making things more difficult.  The surprise when our two sons arrived was a defining moment in our lives.

So, my two little men, the important thing to remember is that there will be moments when you have to make decisions that may make your life more difficult in order to achieve your goals or maintain your values.  At the same time you will meet people who will tell you that you are crazy for taking the road less traveled.  When faced with these moments remember to stay true to yourself and be confident in your decision.  There will also be times when a family member or friend will be making a similar decision and will seemingly be making a bad choice.  During these times you will need to be supportive, empathetic and compassionate because as much as you may feel you can offer advice, you can never truly walk in somebody else's shoes.  In short, stay true to yourself in everything you do and respectfully allow others the freedom to do the same without judgment.

Life Lesson For My Little Men #1

When we first found out we were pregnant, and I say we because I am sharing my experience although I know that my wife did most of the work on that front, we experienced all emotions imaginable.  First of all, we were surprised.  We hadn't been trying to get pregnant but more so, we hadn't been trying not to get pregnant for a month or two and so when it happened so quickly, I think surprise was the most natural feeling.  Next came an overwhelming feeling of joy and excitement.  Things were about to change a great deal in our lives and the thought of caring for a new little one and watching them grow up brought tears to both of our eyes.  The third emotion, which again I think is totally natural, was worry and doubt.  Doubt in our abilities.  Doubt in our preparation.  Doubt in the finances (let's be honest, that was my department...as I am sure it is with many dads-to-be).  And thus, the roller coaster started...pretty much from the time the little stick indicated we were expecting.  Over the next few weeks, the levels of doubt subsided and joy and anticipation took over.  We picked up books, read websites and began preparing.  We went to our first ultrasound and got our first glimpse at the little kidney bean shaped beginnings of our child to be.  Then came the first appointment with the OBGYN.  I was at work when I received a frantic call from my wife and immediately thought the worst.  As I walked quickly from my office to ensure cell phone reception my office is in a windowless bunker) and to get a bit of privacy I anticipated the worst.  Through tears on the other end of the line she said, "It's not what your thinking, it's good news, I think."  At this point, I am clueless and waited for what felt like ages before a further explanation arrived.  "We are expecting twins."  For the next few minutes we reassured each other that this news was great, that it didn't really change anything and we were truly excited.  Over the next few days, doubt began to resurface as a secondary emotion.  At times, our strength and resolve would fade and we would need reassurance that things were going to be okay.  I am not entirely sure what truly helped us through the tougher times, beyond the obvious joy of being parents-to-be.  I would like to say it was my undeniable strength of character, however, I know that isn't true...and let's be honest, there are very few people in this world who can be rock solid all of the time (perhaps maybe Hugh Jackman, he seems like he is chiseled out of stone).  In the end, I feel that maybe it had more to do with the strength of our relationship with each other, family and friends that helped through the darker times.  Whenever one of us was struggling their was always somebody to help focus on the positive, the joy and the love in our lives past, present and future.  In the end, we both knew in our hearts that this was something that we were not only ready for, but that would be the greatest experience of our lives.  So, to couch this all in a life lesson for my little men I would say this.  Are there cloudy days??? Of course, but in the end without clouds would we appreciate the sun or a cold bevy on a hot day (if you're anything like your dad...this statement will make a lot of sense in about 18 years...and it better be 18 years;) ). Remember during those cloudy or difficult times that you don't have to go it alone. That there will always be others who can help you through tough times and to see the light in any situation. Your mother and I will be two of those people, but there will also be many others, please don't hesitate to seek out help. 

Keep smilin'

IC

Welcome to my blog

I partially regret not starting this blog several months ago when my journey as a father of twins began, but at the time, it didn't seem necessary.  For those reading this blog, I also apologize for this initial post as it is my first attempt at this, and being a person who hasn't normally relied on journaling to decompress and reflect, it may be quite amateurish.  The reason I have decided to start writing is two fold, firstly, I am hoping it provides some opportunity for self-reflection in what has been and will continue to be the greatest experience of my life.  Secondly, I am also hopeful that it can serve to help others who find themselves in a similar situation, let me explain this further.  My wife and I have often been fortunate or unfortunate, depending on your view point, in that we often experience major life events in significant chunks.  For example, the summer we were married, I had just accepted a new position which meant both a career move and physical move to a new city, followed closely by the death of a grandparent and my wife starting her first teaching job.  For this life altering moment, I had again just started a new job, we had just bought our first home and within a few weeks of signing on the dotted line we found out that we were pregnant...with twins.  My hope over the next few posts is to catch up on the first few months of our pregnancy, discuss the emotions, the ups and downs, the joy and trepidation, the areas where "the books" were helpful and some of the places where we felt under informed. Again, if you find yourself in a similar place in life, I hope you find this useful, relate able or at least entertaining.  In my experience, life has a crazy way of working out, or at least I have been privileged enough to have that outcome in my journey thus far.  Currently, we are the proud parents of two boys, who will spend the next 6 weeks (or so) in the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) after arriving ahead of schedule.  Stay tuned for more.

IC