Life Lesson for my Little Men #12

Wow, so time is flying by and our two little guys are already over 5 months old (3.5 months in terms of their corrected age, which if you have had a preemie or twins you know all about).  They are getting to be little tanks and will soon be stronger than their father was in grade 9 (when my gym teacher commented on my report card that I had below average upper body strength).  As I wrote in my last post, life has settled into a bit of a routine, although it frequently changes on a whim and with little warning, but that's ok...I am not really a planner, I can manage decisions on the fly (written while choking up a little bit).  It appears the key is to be laissez-faire about the whole thing...which in economics, is not really good but at this stage in the child rearing process is not only important but a survival mechanism.  Now what I am about to say may in some ways be shocking and please do believe me when I say that I am being absolutely sincere.  The last little while I have started to find the routine a bit more challenging.  I cannot take anything away from my wife, because she is more a captive than I, however, it would seem that the monotony of going to work, coming home as quickly as possible to help out has left me wanting more...Often, this phase passes quite quickly as I get a smile or the hint of a laugh from one of my sons, but in the end it pops up again.  I think this is because if you map out my days (leaving the weekends out) they all look strikingly similar.

5:45 am - wake up (although recently this has started at 5:00 am)

5:50 am - eat breakfast, make coffee, make lunch

6:30 am - Walk dog

7:15 am - shower get dressed for work, kiss wife, babies, pet dog and cat and get out the door by 8:00 am

8:30 ish - arrive at work

4:30 ish - leave work

5:15 pm (hopefully) - arrive at home

5:30 pm to 10:00 pm - make/eat dinner, help with feeding/diapering/playing/bathing, work out, watch a little TV

(Press repeat)

This is all to say that this past weekend we had the opportunity to go our separate ways for a bit.  On Saturday, my wife and the boys went to a cupcake making party for much of the day and I spent most of it working around the house (uninterrupted).  On Sunday, I played in my fist soccer game in 4 months...and then we played volleyball that night.  Getting away and doing something that I love made all the difference to my outlook.  None of this is to say that I don't love my family and want to spend every moment with them as my two sons grow and develop.  I think often as parents, we have to battle a certain level of guilt or even anxiousness that if we leave, they will miss us or even worse we may miss something.  I will say this though, that getting out a doing something so far removed from my life as a dad was really nice.  Mind you it was also nice to brag about my boys and how well my wife was doing...I mean, who wouldn't love an opportunity to do that, but in the end, it felt really good to be out with the guys.  It's not like I was ever really somebody who needed to be out and about.  For much of my life I have been a homebody, certainly independent (sometimes I feel like the lost family member), but never one who needed to be out visiting and such to truly be happy.  However, it seems that being thrust in to a very rigid existence makes the special glimpses of "freedom" that much more appealing.

So, I feel that a life lesson is important following this self absorbed post.  To my little, now possibly teething, young lads...it is important to remember to find balance in your life.  This maybe one of the greatest struggles of the modern human being.  With external pressures coming from all over the place it is often very challenging to find yourself in everything that you do, but I would argue that it is the most vital part of your life.  The key to striking balance is about priorities.  What I have discussed above is simply an example of how challenging this might be when it feels like 2/3 of your day is scheduled by someone else and the remainder is spent trying to recover.  I certainly don't begrudge my family their place in my priority list.  When you two arrived you became the priority...and will be for as long as I am alive.  However, it is still important to remember that in all of it, sometimes the best way to help others is to help yourself first.  When things happen that are beyond your control but which give you stress or challenge your life-balance, it is important to take stock in where you find your identity or happy place.  In some cases, this place might be helpful and so you will have to look to something else.  My happy place is at home with you and your mom, but when that isn't working I can turn to something else that I have loved for almost my entire life and that is sports...soccer being my main squeeze...to do this, it is important that you recognize what gives you balance, what makes you whole...what will bring you some vigour and longevity...Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #11

So it has taken me a while to get back to writing because my last post took a lot out of me and truthfully life has changed a lot and reflection had become a bit painful.  In fact, even as I write this, I am having a hard time concentrating on any one thing long enough to form a coherent thought. So bear with me!

Our boys are a little over 5 months old now and I would dare say we've established a bit of normalcy around the busyness.  We've both started playing sports again and have even ventured out for the occasional meal in a restaurant.  It helps that they are both really good at being in new places and traveling.  Recently, however, a few things have happened which throw things off and knock us out of whatever semblance of routine has been established.  First, we had our first change in regular diaper filling.  9 days of poop free diapers left us reading posts and books about how it is perfectly normal for breastfed babies to go two weeks without leaving a stinky present in their diapers.  While each of these pieces of information was helpful in calming some nerves, it was still a little unsettling for both of us.  Poop questions became a daily greeting to my wife as I walked through the door.  It became the topic of conversation with parents and friends.  The things is our boy seemed fine and comfortable (for the most part) and we were left to wait in anticipation of when things would return to normal and the impending ass-plosion, which it eventually did...filling four diapers and lasting the better part of 30 minutes off and on.

Recently, shifts in sleeping schedules have been the norm.  It is common for both of our sons to have an off-night once a week, which seems to throw things out of whack.  The thing with twins and breastfeeding and sleeping is that it is an even more complex balancing act then what you may see at a Cirque Du Soliel show.  First off is getting them to sleep, usually after a final feed they are ready to hit the hay, although every now and then one of them will decide he would rather be up and goof around and so you are left entertaining and playing the waiting game or trying to "top him up" to see if that will settle him into his food coma.  Then comes the first wake up, when they were younger this would mean waking them both up to maintain a sound schedule, however, as they get older and with the promise of a possible 5 hour stretch of sleep a whole slew of new questions pop up.  Often this works, however when it doesn't my wife has been up every hour and a half to feed one.  I am lucky in that she believes that my job is to get up and go to the office and somehow, after years of responding to an on call phone 24/7 for some reason baby cries don't wake me.  This change in routine tends to have a major impact on the next day and despite best efforts can lead to frustration and tired days.  Frustration that usually melts away with the first smile of the morning...and the joy of twins is that there are usually two.

A life lesson for my little men from our recent experiences is that routine is good but can never be counted on to remain in tact.  In all walks of life, the only true constant is change. What can drive you to success is not only your ability to adapt but to do so positively.  When working with people it is important to remember that life exists in shades of grey and that nothing is truly linear in terms of it's progression.  You guys are a perfect example of this.  Each day forward is a step forward but does not mean that the step is the same length as the day before.  You will experience this all the time in your life.  There will be days when you seem stuck or in some cases to be moving in reverse, but if you do your best and create a positive outcome whenever possible, the truth is you are always moving forward...and you have the next moment to look forward to, when things seem to fly ahead and you are leaping rather than stepping. 

Life Lesson for my Little Men #10

So I was hoping to write a fun loving piece about our first Christmas with the boys but that has proven to be a bit challenging.  On Christmas Day I received a call from my Dad, the kind you never want to receive, during which he informed me that my best friend had passed away that evening.  I would like to write the rest of this entry in tribute to him and to help me with processing his early exit from our lives. 

Kyle has always been a part of my life.  Since we were in diapers (and perhaps even before that) we have walked through life together.  Growing up in the country, close friends were tough to have, but I was lucky enough to grow up with Kyle and his family.  It was almost like having two moms and two dads, two brothers and two more sisters.  Yearly trips to Wonderland, afternoons by the pool, birthday parties, and of course our involvement in soccer always brought the two of us together.  Kyle always did everything first.  He went to school a full year before I did.  He started skiing before I did.  He got his license before I did.  He went away to university before I did.  But each time, I would catch up and he would help me along the way.  In grade 7 I moved schools and for the first time I would attend the same one as Kyle.  I knew nobody else and despite being a grade higher, Kyle took me under his wing, introduced me to his friends and helped me find my way.  At about the same time, Kyle taught me to ski.  I had the opportunity to take a few lessons with an instructor but I can honestly say that Kyle's methods (including sending me down a black diamond as my first run) worked wonders and I quickly found my new winter sport.  We spent the next six years skiing together at least once a week.  At one point, not sure when, Kyle took up snowboarding.  He made this transition with incredible ease and I often looked up to him about how easy it came to him.

When the time came to pick a university, I was between a couple of schools.  I went to visit Kyle at Wilfrid Laurier University which sold me on going there.  We lived together for two years there and had some incredible times.  Burying cars, Chicken Wings and Leaf Games, playing Golden Eye,  attending football games...and when there was time studying.  Kyle used to tell a story about how we stayed up late one night studying, he went to bed to get a good night's sleep leaving me to finish cramming the last little bit of information into my head.  As we sat down to write the exam, the answers were all there and I flew through the first few pages.  However, somewhere between the 3rd and 4th page I drifted off (to sleep).  Kyle was behind me and saw my head dip, he signaled the proctor and asked to use the washroom.  On the way by my hard desk like pillow, he smacked me in the back of the head, I woke up, finished the exam and we went on our way.

After university, Kyle went on to be an amazing teacher and I left to work in a city about 4 hours away from home.  We got together a couple of times a year and it was always like old times.  With Kyle, it didn't matter how often we saw each other, it was always like old times.  In the summer of 2007 both of us got married.  I got the better of him and tied the knot first.  Kyle had planned a destination wedding and once he had found out we were getting married he and his fiancee (at the time) had decided to have the wedding after ours so that we could incorporate it into our honeymoon plans.  He always looked out for me.  

Time marched on and Kyle became a dad to three beautiful children.  He truly blossomed as a father.  The love for his kids and his family shone through each and every day.  We began playing soccer together again and I would get weekly updates about how work was going but more importantly how the kids and Tracy were doing.  With each and every visit, I knew Kyle had found his true calling.  He was the kind of father we should all aim to be, truly connected to his children, laughing with them as they learned, loving them each and everyday.

This past year, when he found out we were having twins he was incredibly excited.  He announced the news at a soccer practice to a bunch of the guys we had grown up playing with.  When the boys were born he and Tracy were quick to volunteer anything that we would need.  Thanks to Kyle, both of my boys had "Handsome Like Daddy" onesies (Kyle only had one boy, so I always found this pretty funny).  Kyle and Tracy came to visit us in the hospital and got to meet both of our little guys.  We got to catch up on a lot of things, as the two of us, both busy, were not keeping up our weekly updates at soccer.  We were really looking forward to Christmas when we could all get together and my boys could meet their uncle Kyle.

When tragedy strikes, we are often left a little dazed, surrounded by confusion and chaos, but also a weird sense of clarity.  When I heard about Kyle's passing everything here and now became fuzzy...clarity was brought back in vivid memories and visions of what was to be.  Pain surged through my body in realizing how much we had all lost and I shuddered in agony anytime I thought about his family and what they were going through and what was ahead for them.  Kyle has always treated me like family, and like the rest of his family often put me first.  He built me up when needed and brought me back to earth at times when that was important.  He was truly my best friend and a brother to me.

So here goes a life lesson for my little men on your first Christmas.  The measure of your life isn't  what you have accumulated but rather who you have impacted.  Kyle's impact on my life will be everlasting.  He will be a person I talk about with admiration and respect.  He will always be a true friend and somebody that I love and care about.  You, as my sons, will learn all about him.  You will be a part of our family, get to know his kids, nieces and nephews and hopefully will learn the value of friendship and family from these experiences.  At Christmas time we are often blindsided by a message of consumption and commercialism, each year feeling a need to out-do the last.  This Christmas, I was taught a hard lesson about why life is so much more than that.  Life should be filled with family and friends, which is sometimes challenging in the long distance world we live in.  Try to remember to stay grounded in your priorities and not leave to tomorrow what is important today...and at the top of the list should be those you love.  Each day take time to tell them or better yet show them how much they mean to you.  Live your life filled with love and laughter for those around you and you will truly experience joy and fulfillment.  This is what Kyle did and what we should all try and do just a little bit more.  Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #9

So yesterday was a tough day for me.  The type of day that comes around once every now and again that you never want to experience but remain challenged to figure out how you prevent it from happening again.  This weekend was the beginning of our families' holiday fun.  Lots of visiting, eating and good times.  Now don't get me wrong, the Christmas season is incredible and enjoy all that it has to bring, including the easy excuse to get together with those you don't see all that often, however, on days like yesterday it reminds me that I, personally, may need to find a way to spread it out a bit more.  On the exterior, for many this is surprising, as I don't believe that I come across as shy and introverted, but in actuality it has always been my nature. 

Anxiety in social situations is something that I have battled with my entire life and something that has led me to my favourite hobbies (guitar playing, drawing, and playing sports.)  Team sports has often given me an opportunity to shine and been a platform for me to work on my issues in communication and confidence.  So last night, after too much incredible food, I found myself struggling to find a way to pull myself out of a dark place, a place I don't often go but a place that is familiar enough for me to know where I am when I get there.  At the time, nothing seemed to help, I was feeling tired, frustrated, sad and ashamed...how does one begin to deal with these emotions all at once.  I laid down beside my two boys for a nap(that's right, I ignored the books and experts and took them to bed for a nap, and guess what, we all made out ok), but they weren't really interested so we read.  After a while, my wife (returning from walking the dog) took the boys downstairs and gave me sometime to rest.  After several restless moments and arriving at the realization that what I was doing wasn't helping my current state I plodded downstairs to determine whether or not we would make the trek to play some volleyball.  We decided that we would go play and that hopefully a little fun and exercise may help.  It did, I felt great and playing really helped me lighten up, until I got back home.  Again, as I struggled through the night I couldn't shake the dark and confusing cloud that hovered over my head. 

6 am came way too soon.  I trudged downstairs to make breakfast, take the dog out, and eventually leave for work...Sometime during this two hour process I looked down at my boys who were lying on the couch while I sat comatose in front of the sports highlights and it happened.  A smile!!! not just one but two little almost perfect smiles.  Now please remember that at this point, our sons are about 15 weeks old, but only 7 weeks past their due date so smiles are happening but not all the time and usually related to gas and not anything that I am doing, so a moment with simultaneous smiling still has some sort of novelty.  But this time it was different and the reason why is because it really helped me shed the weight I had been carrying. 

So from this moment comes a new life lesson, taught to me by my two favourite boys.  Never forget the power of your smile.  Its impact should never be underestimated because your smile not only helps to bring you energy, makes you feel lighter and gives you the strength to take on all challenges but it has an amazing ability to do that to anyone you meet.  You, my boys, taught me this lesson, because sometimes, we grown up folk forget this and need a little reminder about why we are here.  So today, I am smiling thanks to you two, and I hope that my smile has the same effect on someone I meet.  Thank you :) Love Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #8

So I have decided to quit the reminiscing and move onto the present as living in the past means you often miss what's going on around you today.  Strangely enough, my cue to do this was in looking through some pictures while preparing for Christmas.  I came upstairs last night to find my wonderful wife tearing up in front of the computer screen as she previewed pictures to be used for Christmas presents.  On the screen was a picture of both of our boys in the first five minutes of their lives and it brought back a flood of emotions.  So there we sat, glued to the screen as pictures whizzed by and we drifted in and out of the present.  As we progressed through each stage of their lives a new set of feelings would bubble up, then we'd look at each other, look down at our sons and marvel at how far they have come. 

It has been an interesting road thus far, it has been about two months since we all finally came home from the hospital.  A day I will forever remember because it is an instantaneous wake up call.  We arrived home, tired but excited and for the first time alone with our babies.  Over the next 12 to 24 hours we went through what felt like hell on earth and by we I mean the four of us.  The boys were crying constantly, we were struggling to keep it together and I was doubting whether or not I was prepared for all of the sacrifices I would make and challenges I would come up against for the rest of my life.  The permanence of fatherhood was finally setting in and I will say that I felt a little confused by the whirlwind my mind was going through.  We reached out for help, our parents were great and for the first week or so we got a ton of help.  But quickly we grew weary and needed our own space and so we decided to head out on our own...which has worked really well.  Now we are the proud parents of two baby boys who are just starting to smile, really enjoying bath time and hopefully will begin to settle into a routine.  So oddly enough a quick glimpse at pictures has led me to change up this blog and begin writing about the not so distant past and what's in store for us all as we move forward. 

The life lesson I would like you to take my excitable little guys is that life happens so fast and we often spend our days thinking about everything but what is here and now, focusing on the past or the distant future and if we don't stop ourselves every now and then, to look at where we are and what we have, well then we are bound to let those moments slip right by us while only catching a glimpse of what they are and never truly experiencing what they could be.  It maybe a sad state of affairs that we have to remind ourselves to take time for each other and to live in the moment but unfortunately that is the reality that many of us face.  This makes it incredibly important that you enjoy those moments to the fullest as each day that passes is gone.  Keep your view on life open and broad so that you can see as much as possible.  There is a time when focus is needed to truly enjoy the beauty of what it is that we all have, but there is also a time when focusing on the wrong thing will mean that something on the periphery is blurred and hazy when it could be so much more.  How do you know when to focus and when to open up?  Like many things I will tell you, it is a matter of what your heart tells you is important...your job is not to confuse what your heart says with what all those other outside voices are telling you.  Live in the now, see the world for all that it is and could be.  Love, Dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #7

Living with our twin boys at the hospital for the first six weeks of their lives is an experience that I will never forgot and that I am sure has had and will continue to have a profound impact on my life.  First of all, as I have mentioned before, the tireless work of the folks in the NICU is beyond compare and not something that I could ever express enough gratitude for.  Secondly, it truly opened my eyes to how fast we can settle into a routine and yet when something comes along to throw a wrench in it, how crushing that can be.  Over the course of the six weeks, our boys experienced ups and downs, they made leaps forward and took steps back and it was challenging to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  What complicated this was the great steps they took forward in the first few days.  Regardless of what you think you know as a parent in these situations, you can't help but be excited to see them doing so well so quickly and then with the first setback reality quickly crashes down around you and you realize this is a marathon and not a sprint and that they won't be home in a matter of days, but possibly weeks or months.  The scariest of these setbacks with our boys related to their breathing.  Lungs are the last thing to really develop and because they were born at just under 32 weeks, they struggled to breath on their own from the very beginning.  No words can really express the heartbreak that you feel upon returning to the hospital to see your child hooked back up to a C.P.A.P. machine because of a bad spell the night before.

 One of the most challenging experiences came at the end of our stay at Sunnybrook.  As I mentioned before it is amazing how fast you settle into a routine and we had established something that worked for us.  Then one day you arrive at the hospital and are told that today is the day...not that you will get to take them home but that they are being transferred to a level 2 NICU and you immediately spiral into shock and are wretched by disappointment.  Again the rollercoaster ride took over and you feel glad and appreciative that your babies are doing well enough to be transferred but dismayed that your routine has been disrupted.  All kinds of questions surface:  What do we do to get there?(we are a one car family so that had its challenges)  What kind of facility is this?  When can visitors come?  Do we need to return the breast pump?  What are the Doctors like?  Where can we get something to eat? Where is the NICU? and many more...and truthfully, the staff at Sunnybrook could help with some but not many of these questions.  This process happened very quickly for us.  We knew that both our boys were getting stronger and were warned that we could be transferred soon, but never dreamed it would happen in less than 24 hours.  Later that evening, we packed up our stuff...The boys were packed into an ambulance and off they went to Newmarket.  At this point, we are feeling like the rug has been pulled out from under us.  The blessing of staying at Sunnybrook had now turned into a bit of a curse as my describes it, you feel like you are going from a Bentley to a 1991 Honda Accord.  Reflecting on it now, we wouldn't be so harsh. 

Our stay at the NICU in Newmarket was only two weeks but we got to know the nursing staff well and soon overlooked the difference in the physical facility as our boys continued to grow stronger.  We now shared a ward room with several other parents and so at times it was nice to see others who were going through our same struggles.  As things built to our final day in the hospital, we settled into a new routine and life carried on.  So, to my now strong little men who are keeping us up at night the lesson learned from our experience is this:  routine is nice, however, if you are so set in a routine that you are afraid to try new things you will lose out on some of life's greatest experiences.  There is something safe about knowing where you are going, what you are doing and how you are going to get there, but with each new day we have an opportunity to try something different, meet somebody new and open ourselves up to the possibility that the world around us is full of wonderful things if we open our eyes.  Always take time to evaluate a new situation or circumstance, as the old saying goes "you can't judge a book by its cover."  Only by truly allowing yourself to be open to new possibilities will you get to see the true value in your life.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #6

So it has taken me a while to write about the first 72 hours of my boys lives.  For a while I have struggled to recall details with little to no success.  Truthfully, I was completely overwhelmed with the entire experience and so details kind of went out the window.  Upon reflection, what I remember is the amazing caring people that we met during our stay at the hospital.  Like many professionals who spend their lives doing what appears to be the impossible, I am sure that they have done all of the things that were done for us countless times and so they have perfected it, however, to me, the response of the health care system and the people at Sunnybrook hospital was everything needed and more.  There we were, 7 weeks before we anticipated being at the hospital, wide eyed and completely in shock.  

In moments when you are overwhelmed it is often next to impossible to think clearly about what is going on around you.  You feel that you need answers but you have no idea what the questions even are.  The nurses, social workers, doctors, respiratory therapists, and others were wonderful in helping us through the first few days, giving us those answers, reassuring us that what we were feeling was normal, and helping to prepare us for the long journey ahead.  I know there are many ups and downs within our health care system here in Canada, but when it works like the NICU at Sunnybrook, you are truly left breathless by daily miracles that are performed.  During that first long weekend we felt ourselves trying desperately to find a routine, something that we could hang our hat on as being normal, good and steady.  While doing so was challenging it was not entirely impossible and the help of our family, friends and colleagues left us with hope that we could get through this.  

As that weekend passed, some things became easier to grasp.  They were getting great care, that was obvious.  We were finding time to eat and sleep and shower and such...mmm...normalcy...What was still very challenging though was leaving each night.  This is something that would slowly subside as we began to embrace our new found routine.  It would get harder again later as our boys began to grow and respond to us.  My thoughts on this are that for the first few days you hate to leave because you are so scared about what is to come and nearing the end you don't want to leave because it is clear things are getting better and you don't want to miss a thing.  It's a strange place to be that's for sure.  Getting back to some of my initial feelings, I think it is important that I express what I struggled with early on so that if anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation you can think back and find solace in the fact that you are not alone.  The hardest part for me and what ultimately drove me to tears was not being able to do anything.  

As a dad-to-be, you build yourself up as the ultimate protector of your family, a problem solver extraordinaire and willing to jump in front of anything to save the people you care about from pain or sorrow.  The reality of this situation is that you quickly realize that you are and cannot be any of those things.  It is painful to watch your little boys struggle for breath and only be able to hope that they catch on.  It is painful to see yet another IV stuck in their arm or to hear the scream as they search for a vein.  It is painful to watch things get better only to see them stumble and not have a hand in helping them back up.  And it is painful to sit, day after day, holding your wife's hand, reassuring each other it's going to be okay but knowing that you have no hand in that apart from waiting, hoping and loving.  Believe me, there were many long tear filled walks back to the car at night and many moments of going to get a coffee simply to escape.  

So a life lesson for my now at home little men who are almost double their size from 2 months ago is simply this:  there will be times when you will feel helpless, like you can't live up to your expectations or that you can't save a person that you love from the pain they are experiencing.  It is important at these times to be supportive, to do what you can and to patiently wait for better times, hope that they come quickly, and love that person/persons with all that you can.  You will hear the word miracle tossed around a lot in your life for things that are far from it (particularly around the sports world).  Try not to let this use of the word depreciate its value in your heart.  I know that from the day you were born that you were to be my little miracles and I can say looking back on those first few difficult days that a miracle is what I hoped for...and a miracle is what I received...for this your mother and I feel truly blessed.

Love Always, Dad