Life Lesson #51 - You be You

Andrew and James have had a great start to their academic careers.  Junior kindergarten or in their case kindergarten has been full of new learning, activity, and friends.  On a daily basis I come home to something exciting that they have discovered or achieved.  But with all that good comes some bad and so I thought I'd write a bit about the unlearning of school.

A few weeks back I was dolling out an evening snack.  I grabbed two colourful plastic plates and gave one (bright green) to Andrew and the other (bright pink) to James.  James promptly turned up his nose and Andrew chimed in with his observation that the plate was a "girls' colour."  This left me perplexed, we had never associated colour with gender and so I started asking a lot of questions in an effort to build an understanding of where this newfound opinion that colours had gender came from.  What I discovered is hardly shocking, it's something they picked up talking to their friends.  From this point we started to explore the topic.  We talked about favourite colours and being confident in being who we are, liking what we like and being comfortable when others do the same.  In the end both James and Andrew seemed to understand that colour isn't assigned a gender and that they can like, wear and eat off what they like.

This is not the first case of unlearning, nor will it be the last.  We have already faced the "I'm telling on you," "I'm not your best friend," and inevitable little boys running around the house making gun noises.  This time however, it felt that the stakes were higher.  It felt like a core value of our family was being threatened by outside influence.  The tough part is that it's not the last time we will deal with this.  In fact, just yesterday Adrienne told me a story of frustration at the reaction of the boys in class to Andrew bringing a doll to school.  She expressed feeling confused as to what to do as his face dropped at their strong reaction of disgust at his choice to play with a doll.

Adrienne and I both expected that at school things would happen that would be outside of our control.  We are far from protective or sheltering parents and encourage the boys to take appropriate risks and push their comfort levels.  Challenge and support.  However, I feel it important to express my naivety about how often we would have to defend our values as parents.  How often we would have to build up the confidence of little men who just want to be who they are and be loved for it.  How often the choices of others in terms of how they raise their children would enter our home and impact James and Andrew.  Unfortunately, I had told myself a tale of having to defend the mysticalness of Santa or the Easter Bunny rather than thinking of the much more socially liberal and open-minded values we as parents have chosen to instil in our children...Silly Me!

The bright side of this reality are the opportunities to talk and discuss some pretty big topics as a family.  I don't think that can be overlooked.  Without conflict and controversy we as people would have a hard time establishing an identity that is our own.  This conflict absent of conversation has the opportunity to create a divide in who we are and to leave us feeling confused, torn or incomplete.  And so, we keep talking, continue to encourage confidence, and empower our children to be themselves.

So Andrew and James, it is my hope that you continue to explore and build your identity.  I recognize and know that your friends will have a great influence in your lives.  I know that outside influences shaped who I am today and continue to help me redefine how I see myself in the world around me.  This is how life works.  However, I think it is equally important to note that this is not something that simply happens without question, challenge and reflection.  You have the opportunity to become exactly the person you want to be, to grow and develop into the person you are happy with, and to be you.  If you feel that being taken away by somebody else I encourage you to think about why and be confident in expressing a contrary point of view.  There will be times when this is hard, particularly when you feel outnumbered or alone, but if you are acting to stay true to your values and yourselves, and with a caring heart you can't go wrong.  You are the one and only you in this world, if you try and be somebody else you deprive the world of the beauty your uniqueness.

Love

Dad

Life Lesson for Me - Just a little patience

I'm a bad parent.  

There are days when I get home from work and simply don't have the patience or mental capacity needed to keep up with Andrew and James.  Enter parental guilt!  I spend most days wishing I could be around them more and be involved in their lives. Yet when I am finally home I need to excuse myself so I don't blow a stack.  Some days, this isn't possible and while I try to limit the volume of my voice it's a challenge when you have two young men who are competing for attention and quite often at their tired silly phase of the day.

I have now promised myself several times that I will figure out a different way to provide direction and guidance.  That I will be above all else patient.  That I will take time to collect myself.  But doing so after being in go-go-go mode since 6 am is challenging if not seemingly impossible.  Is this modern parenting? Being resigned to not being your best around your kids and at the same time understanding that they likely aren't at their best either.  

Two days ago I decided to follow some advice I give James and Andrew.  When I started to feel my energy level crash and my patience wane I left the room.  I took a self-imposed "Time-out", played a little guitar and came back downstairs in a better mood.  I'd love to do this every time and goodness knows I am going to try to find other strategies that work and allow me to be present.  After all, if I am feeling pressed and stretched I know my partner is too and so withdrawing nightly just as things ramp up is likely not the best thing.  

We put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect.  I imagine that pressure bleeds down to the next generation and though they don't necessarily know how to describe it in words, there must be some transfer and impact.  I can recall points in my own childhood where the worst possible outcome was disappointing my parents and not living up to expectations.  So how do we reset? How do we encourage dialogue when we are so exhausted, stressed or tugged by multiple priorities (some professional but many personal) that every minute seems like it is scheduled or task defined?  How do we be in a world that seems defined by what we do?  

I care about my boys a lot.  I love them with all my soul and would do anything to support them as they grow.  Some days I do a lousy job of showing them that.  Some days I am a bad parent!

IC

For Andrew and James: when the time comes and you read this or someone reads it to you please know that patience, understanding and empathy are all developing skills.  Dad is a work in progress as I know you are too. 

Love Dad

PS - thanks for being you in all that you do including wearing a tie with sweatpants!


Ian

Pledge to my boys

If you need to talk my ears are open

If you need to share my mind is open

If you need a voice my mouth is open

If you need help my hands are open

If you need a hug my arms are open

As our relationship grows know that each and everyday my mind, soul and heart remain open and yours.

Life Lesson #49 - Equity, Diversity and Inclusion

Last week I had the opportunity to be trained in delivering a cultural intelligence (CQ) workshop along with several other colleagues on campus.  While reflecting on my learning I began thinking about the stark differences in my experience vs that of Andrew and James.

Growing up in rural southern Ontario my experience with diversity and culture was somewhat limited.  I was fortunate to have two liberal minded parents who valued curiosity, tolerance, and understanding.  I could count on two hands the number of students of visibly diverse identities I attended school with.  So, when I moved away to university I had had limited experience with diversity.  My CQ knowledge would be low.  In university, through my work in residence life, I learned far more about diversity as I met students from all over the world.  While the institution I attended was incredibly white, I was taught how to be inclusive and equally important the beginning stages of empathy.  Now as a professional, I consider myself to be a champion of empathy and advocate for equity.

When I think of James and Andrew's world I am excited by how different it is.  As they talk about children in class I can't help but smile at the names they are learning and how the fabric of diverse faces is normal.  However, I also temper my excitement by asking myself the question "So Now What?"  Exposure to diversity certainly helps shape understanding and tolerance but that can't be the goal.  In my opinion acceptance and celebration require more intentional learning and are often derived from an environment that empowers curiosity.  To draw inspiration from a favourite Green Jedi "curiosity leads to empathy, empathy leads to acceptance, acceptance leads equity," obviously with a whole lot of work along the way.

So how do we as parents push our children to go beyond exposure and be appropriately curious? We try by modelling curiosity at home...we ask them about the students and teachers in their class and encourage them to learn more.  For example, James and Andrew mentioned that their teacher wears a scarf on her head.  I asked them if they knew what it was called and when they responded negatively I coached them on how they might ask.  Again, this is surface level stuff but valuable for four year olds to be comfortable with.

When we first had the boys, parents in the neighbourhood assumed we would be sending them to the catholic school because of their skin colour.  We saw first hand the subtle and sometimes overt challenges to our own values of acceptance and inclusion as some, almost as a warning, mentioned that they would be the only white kids in their class.  Our response then was "good, that makes me happy."  What I am now reminding myself of is our need to do more.  To encourage them to be brave and ask questions, to learn more, to push the boundaries of assumptions and to be part of a community of change.

So little men, you have a great opportunity ahead of you.  The world is a wonderful place filled with many ways of knowing and being.  My hope for you is that you get to experience and learn the value of diversity, encourage inclusion of others, and advocate for equity as you grow.  So ask questions, seek knowledge and live empathetically.

Love Dad

PS - contrary to popular belief I have been driving for far longer than you have been alive and while I appreciate the feedback and certainly value the safe operation of a motor vehicle (two hands on the wheel) I have to admit that being told by my son or his sandwich to put two hands on the wheel or that I am driving too fast is not something I am entirely comfortable with.

Life Lesson #48 - 4 Years Old

How do you summarize 4 years of learning and growing in one blog post? You don't.  In fact, it would make little sense to try.  Four years of lessons taught, lessons learned, insights gained and opportunities gone by would be challenging to fit in a novel so instead, I'm going to write about one exchange that took place late in the day, when dad and his sons were both wiped.

We spent yesterday at Canada's Wonderland.  I was fortunate to take the day off work, which can be personally challenging as this is a point in the year when work is beyond busy and I am beyond personally invested in being there.  The day at Wonderland was filled with rides, dinosaurs, funnel cake and walking.  It was tiring.  At one point, James was asked what ride he wanted to go on next.  His response, "is there a ride that is shaped like a bed?  One that is a soft bed I can have a little rest on."  By the time 3 pm came around we were all done and began the commute home, which meant more walking.  At home it was dinner with grandparents and the opening of a few gifts.  By the time bedtime came around everyone needed it. 

We measured heights on the chart on the wall noting both have added about 3.5" in the last year. After a few stories and the brushing of teeth we began the slow migration into bed.  When James and Andrew get tired, they get chatty.  They can talk a conversation in circles better than any politician and as I heard the same thing for the third time I began to get frustrated.  Eventually, I played the stern voice card which given their mental state led to tears.  As I realized my error in patience and comforted James, I offered an explanation/excuse for my frustration.  That's when Andrew looked at me and said, "Dad, why when you are frustrated do you not speak in your normal voice? Why do you use your angry voice?" In a moment, I learned how much they have grown and learned.  We have often encouraged James and Andrew to talk out their frustrations.  We have often asked them to reflect on how a situation might have gone better had they been able to express their feelings without using their angry voice.  I have often thought that they weren't hearing us.  And yesterday I was proved wrong.  Oh they are hearing and have even learned to question what they see as inappropriate behaviour when an adult does it.

So four years later and I am still amazed at how being their dad makes me feel.  On a daily basis I feel pride, happiness, love, kindness, charmed, gracious, thankful, and the list goes on.  Somedays I feel frustrated, and that's okay as long as I express that frustration in a way that is appropriate (firm, kind, and sincere).  Andrew and James, you taught me that!

Love on your 4th birthday,

Dad

New Beginnings = Regrets of a Busy Dad!

So it's been a long time since I have written, which seems to be the starting sentence from my last several blogs.  I imagined writing would get more difficult as time went by simply because of how busy things get, however, I had no idea how hard it would be not only to carve out time but to write a blog based on the parameters I had set out.  This blog will be a departure from that norm.

The countdown has begun.  No, not the Final Countdown, although that was a great sing-a-long song by Journey that made a resurgence a few years back.  I am referring to the countdown to the beginning of school.  

At work, I am a master of change, in terms of managing my stress and emotions.  In fact, I sometimes worry that I am too robotic.  At home is a completely different story.  I have told myself countless times that this is not the end but the beginning.  That billions of people have done this exact thing and it works out fine.  That this will open us up to a whole new chapter.  However, when all of the self talk is done I arrive back at the very same place, it is the end.  We won't be going back.  My boys are in fact growing up.

I try to live my life with minimal regret, I think no regret is impossible as to have no regrets means denying yourself an emotion tied with looking back plus the learning that comes with it.  Minimal regret, however, allows me to look back, determine what I might have done differently and move on.  In this case, minimal regret is tough.  3 years ago, after the boys first birthday I switched jobs.  The new job would bring career fulfillment, a few more dollars but more importantly happiness in what I was doing.  

Ian, what was the downside you might ask?!?! 

Well, almost 3 hours of daily travel.  I went from a 20 minute morning drive/bike ride to 3 hours of car/bike/ train/ walk to work.  And with that, I lost several hours of key parental time.

So now, here I sit evaluating this decision.  I have never been happier in my career (looking for brownie points if any folks at Ryerson are reading this).  I know I am in the 'right' place.  The extra money afforded us the ability to live a certain lifestyle while Adrienne worked from home.  And yet, looking back on the decision, I can't help but feel a tinge of regret...after all we aren't going back.  There were moments I lived through Facetime or similar technologies, pictures on my phone of times I wasn't present for, and the lasting impact of the conflict I face almost weekly in asking the question do I stay a little longer or rush home.  Now I know how my working parents felt.

On the first day of school, I'm going to be a mess.  I know it already.  I'll be strong and logical until I see the boys off and then I will be a wreck.  In the end, I'll be fine...after all, how many parents have gone through the same thing?!?  I do have a favour to ask though, if you see a parent really struggling on September 8th, please reserve judgment.  Practice a bit of empathy and try to imagine what they are going through, the sacrifices they have made, the pride they maybe overcome by, or the little bit of regret that might be creeping up from within.

Ian

PS-James and Andrew, when you do in fact read this know that I had some major concerns about your ability to keep your pants on for 7 hours a day... I know, the struggle is real!

Love dad

Not a lesson but a post nonetheless!

Written on February 19, 2015

It has taken me months to write this post.  I think partly because I have blocked the situation from my active memory but also in part for fear of judgment, however, today, on a day when a parent’s worst nightmare came true, I feel the only way to reflect and deal with my emotions is to write.  Today, on a day when temperatures are well below freezing a little boy left his apartment unbeknownst to his family in nothing but a t-shirt.  He was found hours later, without vital signs and rushed to the hospital…my heart hurts just thinking of it.  Last spring, we went through a similar situation with James. 

It was mid afternoon, Adrienne was taking the dog for a walk and I was downstairs with Andrew doing laundry.  The sliding door to our backyard was open to allow a breeze through the screen and at the time our backyard was not fenced.  I came upstairs after loading up the washer, unloading the dryer and with a 2 and a half year old in tow when I realized the screen was now open just wide enough for a little boy to fit through.  I yelled for James…no answer.  I started out the back door, thought better and turned around closing and locking it.  As I headed out the front door one of our neighbours was making her way up our drive-way.  She had seen him, knew he belonged to us and was coming to get me.  Her friend was walking quickly to catch up to a little boy in his rubber boots who was 3/4s of the way down our street.  I closed the door, and ran barefoot down the sidewalk quickly passing the lady and racing James to the stop sign at the end of the road.  As I picked him up he screamed and kicked in determination.  I asked him where he was going.  He replied that he was going to the playground to find mommy.  He was intent on catching up with her.  Adrienne was nowhere in sight.  We were lucky.  Another 40 feet and he would have been at a major cross street with no stop sign in one direction.  My heart was in my throat for what felt like a week.  Needless to say, we invested in a fence that summer and became super vigilant about the door locks but also our communication with each other as parents.

In these types of situations people are quick to judge.  “How could they let this happen?” or “I would have never let him/her out of my sight” quickly forgetting that part of the challenges of parenting is that you can’t always be on guard, you can’t always be present, and that little people at even the tender age of two can be determined enough to make it through whatever safety gate you have devised.  We can only do our best and hope that on days where we screw up or where our best isn’t good enough that we get a little bit lucky.

So my little men, I have drifted between two main thoughts since learning the news about this young lad’s disappearance.  My heart has ached for his family as they are living a nightmare that I only had a taste of.  My second thought is of utter sadness in thinking what he must have felt as he wandered in the cold…this I can’t even imagine or bear to dwell on for longer than a moment.  Tonight, I am going to hug you, hold you close and tell you how much you mean to me.  There are days when I feel down because of how fast you are growing and how much I have already missed.  On days like today, I realize the privilege I have, as a father, in watching you grow and empathize with those who have not been so lucky.

Love you forever,

Dad