Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #13

So a couple of nights ago I found myself in a foreign situation.  My wife had just left the house to meet with a student she tutors and so I was looking after both our boys.  Now that isn't the foreign part, because I have done that before, and quite successfully I might add.  However, what was different this time was the speed in which things deteriorated.  No sooner was she out the door then Andrew (our older son, by 3 minutes) let out a scream from his swing...which at the time, I had placed him in because he was falling asleep and I needed an extra hand.  I left him for a second or two to see if he would settle in and it very quickly became apparent that I would have to intervene if there was any hope of calm being restored.  Andrew's displeasure about being placed in his swing morphed into general feelings of unhappiness about being picked up, followed by equal outrage at being set down in his high chair....and so began the dance.  Next James, his younger brother by all of three minutes, let out an echo to Andrew's chorus of cries and pretty soon I was left holding both in there favourite positions (facing front) and looking at the clock.

As time ticked by (and I do mean ticked by) we migrated from the couch, to walking and bouncing, to singing, to lying on a play mat, back to walking and bouncing and singing...and so this continued at length for what seemed like an eternity.  Somewhere along the way I began to lose my cool...that's right even somebody who considers himself pretty level headed can lose it under extreme pressure and anybody who has not experienced twins in this state does not really know how extreme it can be.  As my blood began to boil and my movements became more rigid and harsh, I drifted out of my role as dad and into a role seeking  survival.  A warning, this is not an exaggeration but a very accurate representation of what I was feeling.  I yelled loudly..."WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!!!!"  And the crying and yelling...got worse...I set both boys down on our bed, and in that instant I went from feeling anger, to hopelessness, to shameful and finally back to caring and nurturing.  As I picked them both up I could hear the words "there, there...it's ok" coming from my mouth...I began singing again and we wondered down the stairs...

That evening, I sang every children's song I knew and even made some up...usually involving the names of my two favourite boys.  I even lost my place a few times and repeated verses, but it was all that I could do that would keep things peaceful...my hands slowly started to cramp, so I had to take brief (and I mean brief) respites in the rocking chair...and eventually James drifted off to sleep...I was able to softly place him in his high chair and continue walking and singing softly to Andrew.  A century later (or an hour and a half, depending on who you talk to), my wife returned from her tutoring session to find a frazzled husband and two quiet boys, one asleep and the other very much awake.  

So, my loud little men who are so very dear to me, there will be times when you will need to walk away from something because you are too caught up in the emotions you are feeling.  You will sometimes know you've reached your limit before you go off and other times you won't but the important thing is that you begin to recognize these moments and take action before it is too late.  Walking away does not mean you have failed, it does not make you weak and it does not mean that you don't care...it simply means that you need time.  Time to collect yourself.  Time to reflect on where you have come from.  Time to look to where you want to go.  Time to takes stock of what you care about and value.  Time to gather yourself so you can best express those thoughts.  Ultimately, many regretful decisions made could be traced back to emotions ruling over logic, patience, kindness and perspective.  Remember, that you can't be perfect at this.  There will be times when you blow up a little, and that can be healthy.  However, it should never come at the expense of those you love and care about....Keep smiling (because I love your smiles).  Love, Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #12

Wow, so time is flying by and our two little guys are already over 5 months old (3.5 months in terms of their corrected age, which if you have had a preemie or twins you know all about).  They are getting to be little tanks and will soon be stronger than their father was in grade 9 (when my gym teacher commented on my report card that I had below average upper body strength).  As I wrote in my last post, life has settled into a bit of a routine, although it frequently changes on a whim and with little warning, but that's ok...I am not really a planner, I can manage decisions on the fly (written while choking up a little bit).  It appears the key is to be laissez-faire about the whole thing...which in economics, is not really good but at this stage in the child rearing process is not only important but a survival mechanism.  Now what I am about to say may in some ways be shocking and please do believe me when I say that I am being absolutely sincere.  The last little while I have started to find the routine a bit more challenging.  I cannot take anything away from my wife, because she is more a captive than I, however, it would seem that the monotony of going to work, coming home as quickly as possible to help out has left me wanting more...Often, this phase passes quite quickly as I get a smile or the hint of a laugh from one of my sons, but in the end it pops up again.  I think this is because if you map out my days (leaving the weekends out) they all look strikingly similar.

5:45 am - wake up (although recently this has started at 5:00 am)

5:50 am - eat breakfast, make coffee, make lunch

6:30 am - Walk dog

7:15 am - shower get dressed for work, kiss wife, babies, pet dog and cat and get out the door by 8:00 am

8:30 ish - arrive at work

4:30 ish - leave work

5:15 pm (hopefully) - arrive at home

5:30 pm to 10:00 pm - make/eat dinner, help with feeding/diapering/playing/bathing, work out, watch a little TV

(Press repeat)

This is all to say that this past weekend we had the opportunity to go our separate ways for a bit.  On Saturday, my wife and the boys went to a cupcake making party for much of the day and I spent most of it working around the house (uninterrupted).  On Sunday, I played in my fist soccer game in 4 months...and then we played volleyball that night.  Getting away and doing something that I love made all the difference to my outlook.  None of this is to say that I don't love my family and want to spend every moment with them as my two sons grow and develop.  I think often as parents, we have to battle a certain level of guilt or even anxiousness that if we leave, they will miss us or even worse we may miss something.  I will say this though, that getting out a doing something so far removed from my life as a dad was really nice.  Mind you it was also nice to brag about my boys and how well my wife was doing...I mean, who wouldn't love an opportunity to do that, but in the end, it felt really good to be out with the guys.  It's not like I was ever really somebody who needed to be out and about.  For much of my life I have been a homebody, certainly independent (sometimes I feel like the lost family member), but never one who needed to be out visiting and such to truly be happy.  However, it seems that being thrust in to a very rigid existence makes the special glimpses of "freedom" that much more appealing.

So, I feel that a life lesson is important following this self absorbed post.  To my little, now possibly teething, young lads...it is important to remember to find balance in your life.  This maybe one of the greatest struggles of the modern human being.  With external pressures coming from all over the place it is often very challenging to find yourself in everything that you do, but I would argue that it is the most vital part of your life.  The key to striking balance is about priorities.  What I have discussed above is simply an example of how challenging this might be when it feels like 2/3 of your day is scheduled by someone else and the remainder is spent trying to recover.  I certainly don't begrudge my family their place in my priority list.  When you two arrived you became the priority...and will be for as long as I am alive.  However, it is still important to remember that in all of it, sometimes the best way to help others is to help yourself first.  When things happen that are beyond your control but which give you stress or challenge your life-balance, it is important to take stock in where you find your identity or happy place.  In some cases, this place might be helpful and so you will have to look to something else.  My happy place is at home with you and your mom, but when that isn't working I can turn to something else that I have loved for almost my entire life and that is sports...soccer being my main squeeze...to do this, it is important that you recognize what gives you balance, what makes you whole...what will bring you some vigour and longevity...Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #11

So it has taken me a while to get back to writing because my last post took a lot out of me and truthfully life has changed a lot and reflection had become a bit painful.  In fact, even as I write this, I am having a hard time concentrating on any one thing long enough to form a coherent thought. So bear with me!

Our boys are a little over 5 months old now and I would dare say we've established a bit of normalcy around the busyness.  We've both started playing sports again and have even ventured out for the occasional meal in a restaurant.  It helps that they are both really good at being in new places and traveling.  Recently, however, a few things have happened which throw things off and knock us out of whatever semblance of routine has been established.  First, we had our first change in regular diaper filling.  9 days of poop free diapers left us reading posts and books about how it is perfectly normal for breastfed babies to go two weeks without leaving a stinky present in their diapers.  While each of these pieces of information was helpful in calming some nerves, it was still a little unsettling for both of us.  Poop questions became a daily greeting to my wife as I walked through the door.  It became the topic of conversation with parents and friends.  The things is our boy seemed fine and comfortable (for the most part) and we were left to wait in anticipation of when things would return to normal and the impending ass-plosion, which it eventually did...filling four diapers and lasting the better part of 30 minutes off and on.

Recently, shifts in sleeping schedules have been the norm.  It is common for both of our sons to have an off-night once a week, which seems to throw things out of whack.  The thing with twins and breastfeeding and sleeping is that it is an even more complex balancing act then what you may see at a Cirque Du Soliel show.  First off is getting them to sleep, usually after a final feed they are ready to hit the hay, although every now and then one of them will decide he would rather be up and goof around and so you are left entertaining and playing the waiting game or trying to "top him up" to see if that will settle him into his food coma.  Then comes the first wake up, when they were younger this would mean waking them both up to maintain a sound schedule, however, as they get older and with the promise of a possible 5 hour stretch of sleep a whole slew of new questions pop up.  Often this works, however when it doesn't my wife has been up every hour and a half to feed one.  I am lucky in that she believes that my job is to get up and go to the office and somehow, after years of responding to an on call phone 24/7 for some reason baby cries don't wake me.  This change in routine tends to have a major impact on the next day and despite best efforts can lead to frustration and tired days.  Frustration that usually melts away with the first smile of the morning...and the joy of twins is that there are usually two.

A life lesson for my little men from our recent experiences is that routine is good but can never be counted on to remain in tact.  In all walks of life, the only true constant is change. What can drive you to success is not only your ability to adapt but to do so positively.  When working with people it is important to remember that life exists in shades of grey and that nothing is truly linear in terms of it's progression.  You guys are a perfect example of this.  Each day forward is a step forward but does not mean that the step is the same length as the day before.  You will experience this all the time in your life.  There will be days when you seem stuck or in some cases to be moving in reverse, but if you do your best and create a positive outcome whenever possible, the truth is you are always moving forward...and you have the next moment to look forward to, when things seem to fly ahead and you are leaping rather than stepping. 

Life Lesson for my Little Men #10

So I was hoping to write a fun loving piece about our first Christmas with the boys but that has proven to be a bit challenging.  On Christmas Day I received a call from my Dad, the kind you never want to receive, during which he informed me that my best friend had passed away that evening.  I would like to write the rest of this entry in tribute to him and to help me with processing his early exit from our lives. 

Kyle has always been a part of my life.  Since we were in diapers (and perhaps even before that) we have walked through life together.  Growing up in the country, close friends were tough to have, but I was lucky enough to grow up with Kyle and his family.  It was almost like having two moms and two dads, two brothers and two more sisters.  Yearly trips to Wonderland, afternoons by the pool, birthday parties, and of course our involvement in soccer always brought the two of us together.  Kyle always did everything first.  He went to school a full year before I did.  He started skiing before I did.  He got his license before I did.  He went away to university before I did.  But each time, I would catch up and he would help me along the way.  In grade 7 I moved schools and for the first time I would attend the same one as Kyle.  I knew nobody else and despite being a grade higher, Kyle took me under his wing, introduced me to his friends and helped me find my way.  At about the same time, Kyle taught me to ski.  I had the opportunity to take a few lessons with an instructor but I can honestly say that Kyle's methods (including sending me down a black diamond as my first run) worked wonders and I quickly found my new winter sport.  We spent the next six years skiing together at least once a week.  At one point, not sure when, Kyle took up snowboarding.  He made this transition with incredible ease and I often looked up to him about how easy it came to him.

When the time came to pick a university, I was between a couple of schools.  I went to visit Kyle at Wilfrid Laurier University which sold me on going there.  We lived together for two years there and had some incredible times.  Burying cars, Chicken Wings and Leaf Games, playing Golden Eye,  attending football games...and when there was time studying.  Kyle used to tell a story about how we stayed up late one night studying, he went to bed to get a good night's sleep leaving me to finish cramming the last little bit of information into my head.  As we sat down to write the exam, the answers were all there and I flew through the first few pages.  However, somewhere between the 3rd and 4th page I drifted off (to sleep).  Kyle was behind me and saw my head dip, he signaled the proctor and asked to use the washroom.  On the way by my hard desk like pillow, he smacked me in the back of the head, I woke up, finished the exam and we went on our way.

After university, Kyle went on to be an amazing teacher and I left to work in a city about 4 hours away from home.  We got together a couple of times a year and it was always like old times.  With Kyle, it didn't matter how often we saw each other, it was always like old times.  In the summer of 2007 both of us got married.  I got the better of him and tied the knot first.  Kyle had planned a destination wedding and once he had found out we were getting married he and his fiancee (at the time) had decided to have the wedding after ours so that we could incorporate it into our honeymoon plans.  He always looked out for me.  

Time marched on and Kyle became a dad to three beautiful children.  He truly blossomed as a father.  The love for his kids and his family shone through each and every day.  We began playing soccer together again and I would get weekly updates about how work was going but more importantly how the kids and Tracy were doing.  With each and every visit, I knew Kyle had found his true calling.  He was the kind of father we should all aim to be, truly connected to his children, laughing with them as they learned, loving them each and everyday.

This past year, when he found out we were having twins he was incredibly excited.  He announced the news at a soccer practice to a bunch of the guys we had grown up playing with.  When the boys were born he and Tracy were quick to volunteer anything that we would need.  Thanks to Kyle, both of my boys had "Handsome Like Daddy" onesies (Kyle only had one boy, so I always found this pretty funny).  Kyle and Tracy came to visit us in the hospital and got to meet both of our little guys.  We got to catch up on a lot of things, as the two of us, both busy, were not keeping up our weekly updates at soccer.  We were really looking forward to Christmas when we could all get together and my boys could meet their uncle Kyle.

When tragedy strikes, we are often left a little dazed, surrounded by confusion and chaos, but also a weird sense of clarity.  When I heard about Kyle's passing everything here and now became fuzzy...clarity was brought back in vivid memories and visions of what was to be.  Pain surged through my body in realizing how much we had all lost and I shuddered in agony anytime I thought about his family and what they were going through and what was ahead for them.  Kyle has always treated me like family, and like the rest of his family often put me first.  He built me up when needed and brought me back to earth at times when that was important.  He was truly my best friend and a brother to me.

So here goes a life lesson for my little men on your first Christmas.  The measure of your life isn't  what you have accumulated but rather who you have impacted.  Kyle's impact on my life will be everlasting.  He will be a person I talk about with admiration and respect.  He will always be a true friend and somebody that I love and care about.  You, as my sons, will learn all about him.  You will be a part of our family, get to know his kids, nieces and nephews and hopefully will learn the value of friendship and family from these experiences.  At Christmas time we are often blindsided by a message of consumption and commercialism, each year feeling a need to out-do the last.  This Christmas, I was taught a hard lesson about why life is so much more than that.  Life should be filled with family and friends, which is sometimes challenging in the long distance world we live in.  Try to remember to stay grounded in your priorities and not leave to tomorrow what is important today...and at the top of the list should be those you love.  Each day take time to tell them or better yet show them how much they mean to you.  Live your life filled with love and laughter for those around you and you will truly experience joy and fulfillment.  This is what Kyle did and what we should all try and do just a little bit more.  Love, Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #9

So yesterday was a tough day for me.  The type of day that comes around once every now and again that you never want to experience but remain challenged to figure out how you prevent it from happening again.  This weekend was the beginning of our families' holiday fun.  Lots of visiting, eating and good times.  Now don't get me wrong, the Christmas season is incredible and enjoy all that it has to bring, including the easy excuse to get together with those you don't see all that often, however, on days like yesterday it reminds me that I, personally, may need to find a way to spread it out a bit more.  On the exterior, for many this is surprising, as I don't believe that I come across as shy and introverted, but in actuality it has always been my nature. 

Anxiety in social situations is something that I have battled with my entire life and something that has led me to my favourite hobbies (guitar playing, drawing, and playing sports.)  Team sports has often given me an opportunity to shine and been a platform for me to work on my issues in communication and confidence.  So last night, after too much incredible food, I found myself struggling to find a way to pull myself out of a dark place, a place I don't often go but a place that is familiar enough for me to know where I am when I get there.  At the time, nothing seemed to help, I was feeling tired, frustrated, sad and ashamed...how does one begin to deal with these emotions all at once.  I laid down beside my two boys for a nap(that's right, I ignored the books and experts and took them to bed for a nap, and guess what, we all made out ok), but they weren't really interested so we read.  After a while, my wife (returning from walking the dog) took the boys downstairs and gave me sometime to rest.  After several restless moments and arriving at the realization that what I was doing wasn't helping my current state I plodded downstairs to determine whether or not we would make the trek to play some volleyball.  We decided that we would go play and that hopefully a little fun and exercise may help.  It did, I felt great and playing really helped me lighten up, until I got back home.  Again, as I struggled through the night I couldn't shake the dark and confusing cloud that hovered over my head. 

6 am came way too soon.  I trudged downstairs to make breakfast, take the dog out, and eventually leave for work...Sometime during this two hour process I looked down at my boys who were lying on the couch while I sat comatose in front of the sports highlights and it happened.  A smile!!! not just one but two little almost perfect smiles.  Now please remember that at this point, our sons are about 15 weeks old, but only 7 weeks past their due date so smiles are happening but not all the time and usually related to gas and not anything that I am doing, so a moment with simultaneous smiling still has some sort of novelty.  But this time it was different and the reason why is because it really helped me shed the weight I had been carrying. 

So from this moment comes a new life lesson, taught to me by my two favourite boys.  Never forget the power of your smile.  Its impact should never be underestimated because your smile not only helps to bring you energy, makes you feel lighter and gives you the strength to take on all challenges but it has an amazing ability to do that to anyone you meet.  You, my boys, taught me this lesson, because sometimes, we grown up folk forget this and need a little reminder about why we are here.  So today, I am smiling thanks to you two, and I hope that my smile has the same effect on someone I meet.  Thank you :) Love Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #8

So I have decided to quit the reminiscing and move onto the present as living in the past means you often miss what's going on around you today.  Strangely enough, my cue to do this was in looking through some pictures while preparing for Christmas.  I came upstairs last night to find my wonderful wife tearing up in front of the computer screen as she previewed pictures to be used for Christmas presents.  On the screen was a picture of both of our boys in the first five minutes of their lives and it brought back a flood of emotions.  So there we sat, glued to the screen as pictures whizzed by and we drifted in and out of the present.  As we progressed through each stage of their lives a new set of feelings would bubble up, then we'd look at each other, look down at our sons and marvel at how far they have come. 

It has been an interesting road thus far, it has been about two months since we all finally came home from the hospital.  A day I will forever remember because it is an instantaneous wake up call.  We arrived home, tired but excited and for the first time alone with our babies.  Over the next 12 to 24 hours we went through what felt like hell on earth and by we I mean the four of us.  The boys were crying constantly, we were struggling to keep it together and I was doubting whether or not I was prepared for all of the sacrifices I would make and challenges I would come up against for the rest of my life.  The permanence of fatherhood was finally setting in and I will say that I felt a little confused by the whirlwind my mind was going through.  We reached out for help, our parents were great and for the first week or so we got a ton of help.  But quickly we grew weary and needed our own space and so we decided to head out on our own...which has worked really well.  Now we are the proud parents of two baby boys who are just starting to smile, really enjoying bath time and hopefully will begin to settle into a routine.  So oddly enough a quick glimpse at pictures has led me to change up this blog and begin writing about the not so distant past and what's in store for us all as we move forward. 

The life lesson I would like you to take my excitable little guys is that life happens so fast and we often spend our days thinking about everything but what is here and now, focusing on the past or the distant future and if we don't stop ourselves every now and then, to look at where we are and what we have, well then we are bound to let those moments slip right by us while only catching a glimpse of what they are and never truly experiencing what they could be.  It maybe a sad state of affairs that we have to remind ourselves to take time for each other and to live in the moment but unfortunately that is the reality that many of us face.  This makes it incredibly important that you enjoy those moments to the fullest as each day that passes is gone.  Keep your view on life open and broad so that you can see as much as possible.  There is a time when focus is needed to truly enjoy the beauty of what it is that we all have, but there is also a time when focusing on the wrong thing will mean that something on the periphery is blurred and hazy when it could be so much more.  How do you know when to focus and when to open up?  Like many things I will tell you, it is a matter of what your heart tells you is important...your job is not to confuse what your heart says with what all those other outside voices are telling you.  Live in the now, see the world for all that it is and could be.  Love, Dad.