Life Lesson for My Little Men #17

Many new parents have challenges getting their baby to sleep.  When you have two little wonders, these challenges are magnified ( I would say doubled, but I don't think that this accurately reflects just how overwhelming it can feel) and you often are left seeking answers.  Now, unless you have a solid support network of people who have been through it, you may find that you feel quite alone.  The internet and books can be helpful, and certainly, after giving birth to our two young fellows, we have met and been reunited with many friends who are in the same situation.  However, at the end of the day (literally) you are in it yourself and we certainly struggled.

About a month ago, maybe more now, it's hard to remember, we set about trying to build a stronger routine for our boys, specifically around bedtime.  We set out starting to adjust bedtime earlier and earlier in the evening often preceded by a bath and some reading (sometimes Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss or Robert Munsch, but often something a little shorter).  As we crept closer to a more reasonable time for all of us to hit the hay, the boys mounted a rebellion of mythical proportions.  One day it just seemed like they had a closed door meeting, decided that this new plan was devious and not something that would be tolerated and so they would put a stop to it.  Their protests mounted, often involving tears, sometimes smiles but the results were always the same, two very tired parents and two unhappy and overtired little men.

Each baby is different, and when you have twins, you will realize that each of them is different too.  This becomes incredibly evident when it becomes times for bed.  One of our boys loves story time with Dad, he would spend the entire time sitting and staring at me as I read through a book, complete with voices.  The other, would much rather be coddled and held by mom and while he tolerates story time, it really isn't his thing.  One thing that we found as time marched on is that our two boys did much better while in bed with us than in their crib.  And there came a time when we looked at each other and said, is this really worth it, and the answer was no.  So for the last few months we have been sharing a bed with our two sprawling little men and things have been great.  It certainly helps that neither of us is a restless sleeper and nothing is truly as rewarding as falling asleep with your little boy cuddled up next to you. 

Now I know what you are thinking (or maybe not)...Isn't co-sleeping frowned upon, and the answer is yes...but we have decided to ignore the "surgeon general type" warnings and put our own sanity and the happiness of our little men first.  And since making this decision, I must say we are all sleeping a little better and being a little happier, not to mention the fact that there is something amazing about waking up with your child right next to you.  For a while, we didn't really talk about this with other people, and even once we did, it was with an essence of guilt.  I would say, even now we aren't overly comfortable just blurting this out...although, once this blog is published, I guess that's out the window.  All this is to say that it was important for us to make a decision that was right for us and each family should feel that they have the same right to do so.  

So my little cover stealing boys, now that you are sharing the bed with us I think there are a few important life lessons you can learn.  Number 1, if you are going to let one go...which you will...it is important that you attempt to create an opening to vent , otherwise you may trap something under the covers that will confuse and disgust your bed mate...This is an even more important life lesson as you get older...Number 2, remember that life is about making good choices for you and your family.  Sometimes this will buck the trends or even go against something that is recommended, the important thing is that you take the time to make a rational decision that is in your (and in this case it's the royal your) best interests.  Life is complicated and often the so-called experts write and comment based on generalities, this is helpful in informing our opinion but is not the be all and end all.  I am glad we didn't listen, as not only are we all more rested but I am pretty sure that this stage of your life will be relatively short (in the sense that pretty soon you won't want me in your room let alone cuddling you to sleep) and it has been nice to hold and comfort you to sleep.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #16

So since becoming a father a few things have become all to prevalent in my thoughts.  I am sure that this is the case for many parents as you begin to make changes and take stock of your life.  First off, I have started thinking a great deal about my own life as a child, perhaps planning for an equally rewarding experience for my little fellows.  Of course, my memories often leave out several of the more traumatic experiences and frequently dwell on the exciting or enjoyable (for example, I think of trips to Florida or Disney and leave out the countless visits to Pioneer Villages).  Second, I have started to think about my own mortality...which is something I have often avoided as I have not yet come to terms with it.  Completely related to this is a third new thought which is what world will I leave my children and how will I teach them to leave the world to their kids.  

When we found out we were having twins we decided to make an effort to limit the impact our little ones would have on the environment.  We made a choice to go with cloth diapers, which took some getting used to for both us and the babies, and is requiring further adjustment now that we are starting on solid foods.  I'll explain this further, the cloth diapers we use (happy nappy), in order to be absorbent tend to be much thicker than your traditional disposable.  They are also unique as they are often hand made and so there is some variation in fit.  Finally, there is a liner, which adds an additional step to each diapering session.  On our initial attempt, Adrienne and I didn't know if we would be able to do it...but now, 6 months later, we are hooked and definitely wouldn't go in the other direction.  We do use disposables when we are traveling (appointments, visiting, etc.) and that's enough for us.

Our second commitment was to source as many of our purchases on resale websites like kijiji or craigslist.  Not only does this make good economic sense (the baby product industry, and I believe I can call it that as in my opinion any industry that convinces us that our babies need a warmer for something that wipes their butts is in it for the almighty $$$), but it also supports others in your local area.  In doing this, where ever possible we have tried to buy products that will last and that can be resold or donated to others at a later date.  

In all of our purchases, we have tried to buy products that are made in Canada a plan that carried over from our recent home purchase.  We often do this at a greater expense than if we were to cruise down to the local Walmart (there are soon to be 3 within 3 km of our house...yikes!), but I am more than willing to pay a few dollars more for something that was made here, employed a Canadian but more importantly didn't come across an ocean on a giant, diesel guzzling ship.   The sad part is that what you will find is that there are many things that you simply can't find that have been produced here.  Sad in the sense that it is seen as cheaper (not more sustainable) to ship millions of tiny baby spoons from across the ocean than to simply make them here...in the end though, I question the cheaper/more profitable part of this argument when in the long run it may be our generation or even worse my boys' generation that will need to figure out how to maintain society without fossil fuels to produce food, ship items, drive to work, etc.

We have also made an effort to make our own food.  Again, there are sometimes that this is a challenge and it simply doesn't make sense to do so.  This way we can control what is put in the food, but we can also cut down on the amount of additional waste that we generate.  So far, so good on this one.  Our boys seem ok with their pureed peas, carrots, yams and pears and Adrienne is an excellent cook, I haven't yet ventured into this world.

So my fast growing little men, as you walk through life it is important that you remember your place in this great wide world.  I don't mean this to be daunting and deflating (as often you will feel that you are small and cannot make a difference) but more so to reflect on all that you have been given and all that you must leave to those who follow.  Far too often, we leave things or don't make the smallest of efforts because we don't believe that they have an impact or because they are inconvenient.  For many of us, we should feel privileged that at this point convenience can even weigh into this decision...for your generation my little ones, I am not sure that will be the case.  My point is this, even small changes can make an impact...and the scope of our ability to effect change should never be a part of the question or answer, because truthfully if we all took baby steps...wouldn't we effect change?!?!  People are often quoted as saying that their goal in life is to leave the world a better place than how they found it...however, does this make sense if we are not giving our all to actually leave a physical planet to inhabit?!?!  So as you continue to grow please remember that whenever you can, make decisions that will help heal or sustain the greatest gift we have all been given...this planet to inhabit until such day as we leave it to the next generation.  I wish more in my generation had done a better job of this for you.  Even your smallest efforts will have impact...the important part is that you make the effort.  Love, Dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #15

Please bear with me as I rant a little bit in an effort to get something off of my chest.  My hope in writing this is to raise a little awareness of an issue but also to put down on paper or better yet into the universe.  So we have gotten to a point in our journey where we are deciding what to do when Adrienne's maternity leave comes to an end.  I never thought this decision would be overly challenging and I think both of us just assumed that she would go back to work (see Life Lesson #14 for something to consider on this front), but with twins and the fact that they were 8 weeks early, we have had to recalibrate a little bit.  When we found out we were having twins a story briefly hit the news in Canada about a couple who was in court to appeal the length of time that they could take on Mat. Leave after the birth of their twins.  The basis of their appeal was that if they had given birth to their children 12 months apart, they would have been able to take 2 years of parental leave.  The government's stance on this is that it constitutes one birth (although, I think if you asked, most women would say that they could plainly feel two actual births...just sayin'), and so parents are entitled to one year.

Here's the thing, I am not usually a complainer and I know we have it better than some, so I am not in any way trying to diminish the value of what we have, however, I think the additional year is something to consider and here is why.  1) Fairness, as mentioned above, if we had been blessed with two children born a year apart, we would have been entitled to 2 full years of leave, as it stands we have one year and two children (all of our costs are as if we had two children and it doesn't seem that we will be lucky enough to pay for childcare for one given that there was "only one birth").  As part of this argument, it is not as if we planned to have twins...in fact, twins don't run in the family so we would never even have known, so in essence, because of a little miracle we are not treated the same as another couple by our government.  2) Our boys were born early and as I have highlighted earlier, this means that when we reach a year and my wife is scheduled to return to work, they won't be as far along as most their age.  Some day-cares won't even take them if they can't walk, so we may be left with little choice...but also, we don't think they will be ready for full time child care.  3) We have been lucky, despite a rocky start both of our sons are very healthy, however, many couples who give birth to multiples are not so lucky, the extra year would be incredibly helpful in ensuring that the children were ready physically and emotionally for mom (or dad) to go back to work.  4) Raising twins is not the same as raising two children and certainly during the first year, this is not the case.  Adrienne is a champ and has been incredible at adjusting to her new role, but there is little time for her to recover.  For example, nap time is sometimes a family event but is more often a solo past-time which leaves mom entertaining whichever of the two has decided to push through the momentary exhaustion and blow drool bubbles.  An additional amount of time for leave would be ease some of this exhaustion.

So in the end, I hope this doesn't sound like a "it's not fair" kind of rant, believe me, I know that life isn't.  And, it is not an effort to get a bit more of a handout, we have never been the type to want one without the expectation that we would pay it back.  It is however, an effort to dialogue about something near to my heart and at the front of my conscious right now as we are possibly coming to terms with a time of single income support for a young family. 

So, my little men who have all the potential and possibility to do great things, I guess the life lesson is this:  Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to make choices and live with your values in mind and action, things will come up which will cause you to re-evaluate.  Your mom, as you will know when you read this, is an incredible educator and has always taken joy in being a smart, successful, caring and giving woman.  When you two came along, it took a while to come to grips with the fact that life for both of us had changed and priorities began to look different, sacrifices had to be made.  One such sacrifice is career goals.  Sometimes, there will be help in making this decision or easing the impact and other times, there won't be. I guess the important part is to take time to sit down, reflect on your options, talk openly with those that will be affected and then make the best decision, even if it means that in the short term things will get tougher.  In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that you have made the best choice that you can, which sometimes won't be the easiest road or even the road you have always traveled  on...but it will be the road that leads to the best outcome.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #13

So a couple of nights ago I found myself in a foreign situation.  My wife had just left the house to meet with a student she tutors and so I was looking after both our boys.  Now that isn't the foreign part, because I have done that before, and quite successfully I might add.  However, what was different this time was the speed in which things deteriorated.  No sooner was she out the door then Andrew (our older son, by 3 minutes) let out a scream from his swing...which at the time, I had placed him in because he was falling asleep and I needed an extra hand.  I left him for a second or two to see if he would settle in and it very quickly became apparent that I would have to intervene if there was any hope of calm being restored.  Andrew's displeasure about being placed in his swing morphed into general feelings of unhappiness about being picked up, followed by equal outrage at being set down in his high chair....and so began the dance.  Next James, his younger brother by all of three minutes, let out an echo to Andrew's chorus of cries and pretty soon I was left holding both in there favourite positions (facing front) and looking at the clock.

As time ticked by (and I do mean ticked by) we migrated from the couch, to walking and bouncing, to singing, to lying on a play mat, back to walking and bouncing and singing...and so this continued at length for what seemed like an eternity.  Somewhere along the way I began to lose my cool...that's right even somebody who considers himself pretty level headed can lose it under extreme pressure and anybody who has not experienced twins in this state does not really know how extreme it can be.  As my blood began to boil and my movements became more rigid and harsh, I drifted out of my role as dad and into a role seeking  survival.  A warning, this is not an exaggeration but a very accurate representation of what I was feeling.  I yelled loudly..."WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP!!!!"  And the crying and yelling...got worse...I set both boys down on our bed, and in that instant I went from feeling anger, to hopelessness, to shameful and finally back to caring and nurturing.  As I picked them both up I could hear the words "there, there...it's ok" coming from my mouth...I began singing again and we wondered down the stairs...

That evening, I sang every children's song I knew and even made some up...usually involving the names of my two favourite boys.  I even lost my place a few times and repeated verses, but it was all that I could do that would keep things peaceful...my hands slowly started to cramp, so I had to take brief (and I mean brief) respites in the rocking chair...and eventually James drifted off to sleep...I was able to softly place him in his high chair and continue walking and singing softly to Andrew.  A century later (or an hour and a half, depending on who you talk to), my wife returned from her tutoring session to find a frazzled husband and two quiet boys, one asleep and the other very much awake.  

So, my loud little men who are so very dear to me, there will be times when you will need to walk away from something because you are too caught up in the emotions you are feeling.  You will sometimes know you've reached your limit before you go off and other times you won't but the important thing is that you begin to recognize these moments and take action before it is too late.  Walking away does not mean you have failed, it does not make you weak and it does not mean that you don't care...it simply means that you need time.  Time to collect yourself.  Time to reflect on where you have come from.  Time to look to where you want to go.  Time to takes stock of what you care about and value.  Time to gather yourself so you can best express those thoughts.  Ultimately, many regretful decisions made could be traced back to emotions ruling over logic, patience, kindness and perspective.  Remember, that you can't be perfect at this.  There will be times when you blow up a little, and that can be healthy.  However, it should never come at the expense of those you love and care about....Keep smiling (because I love your smiles).  Love, Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #12

Wow, so time is flying by and our two little guys are already over 5 months old (3.5 months in terms of their corrected age, which if you have had a preemie or twins you know all about).  They are getting to be little tanks and will soon be stronger than their father was in grade 9 (when my gym teacher commented on my report card that I had below average upper body strength).  As I wrote in my last post, life has settled into a bit of a routine, although it frequently changes on a whim and with little warning, but that's ok...I am not really a planner, I can manage decisions on the fly (written while choking up a little bit).  It appears the key is to be laissez-faire about the whole thing...which in economics, is not really good but at this stage in the child rearing process is not only important but a survival mechanism.  Now what I am about to say may in some ways be shocking and please do believe me when I say that I am being absolutely sincere.  The last little while I have started to find the routine a bit more challenging.  I cannot take anything away from my wife, because she is more a captive than I, however, it would seem that the monotony of going to work, coming home as quickly as possible to help out has left me wanting more...Often, this phase passes quite quickly as I get a smile or the hint of a laugh from one of my sons, but in the end it pops up again.  I think this is because if you map out my days (leaving the weekends out) they all look strikingly similar.

5:45 am - wake up (although recently this has started at 5:00 am)

5:50 am - eat breakfast, make coffee, make lunch

6:30 am - Walk dog

7:15 am - shower get dressed for work, kiss wife, babies, pet dog and cat and get out the door by 8:00 am

8:30 ish - arrive at work

4:30 ish - leave work

5:15 pm (hopefully) - arrive at home

5:30 pm to 10:00 pm - make/eat dinner, help with feeding/diapering/playing/bathing, work out, watch a little TV

(Press repeat)

This is all to say that this past weekend we had the opportunity to go our separate ways for a bit.  On Saturday, my wife and the boys went to a cupcake making party for much of the day and I spent most of it working around the house (uninterrupted).  On Sunday, I played in my fist soccer game in 4 months...and then we played volleyball that night.  Getting away and doing something that I love made all the difference to my outlook.  None of this is to say that I don't love my family and want to spend every moment with them as my two sons grow and develop.  I think often as parents, we have to battle a certain level of guilt or even anxiousness that if we leave, they will miss us or even worse we may miss something.  I will say this though, that getting out a doing something so far removed from my life as a dad was really nice.  Mind you it was also nice to brag about my boys and how well my wife was doing...I mean, who wouldn't love an opportunity to do that, but in the end, it felt really good to be out with the guys.  It's not like I was ever really somebody who needed to be out and about.  For much of my life I have been a homebody, certainly independent (sometimes I feel like the lost family member), but never one who needed to be out visiting and such to truly be happy.  However, it seems that being thrust in to a very rigid existence makes the special glimpses of "freedom" that much more appealing.

So, I feel that a life lesson is important following this self absorbed post.  To my little, now possibly teething, young lads...it is important to remember to find balance in your life.  This maybe one of the greatest struggles of the modern human being.  With external pressures coming from all over the place it is often very challenging to find yourself in everything that you do, but I would argue that it is the most vital part of your life.  The key to striking balance is about priorities.  What I have discussed above is simply an example of how challenging this might be when it feels like 2/3 of your day is scheduled by someone else and the remainder is spent trying to recover.  I certainly don't begrudge my family their place in my priority list.  When you two arrived you became the priority...and will be for as long as I am alive.  However, it is still important to remember that in all of it, sometimes the best way to help others is to help yourself first.  When things happen that are beyond your control but which give you stress or challenge your life-balance, it is important to take stock in where you find your identity or happy place.  In some cases, this place might be helpful and so you will have to look to something else.  My happy place is at home with you and your mom, but when that isn't working I can turn to something else that I have loved for almost my entire life and that is sports...soccer being my main squeeze...to do this, it is important that you recognize what gives you balance, what makes you whole...what will bring you some vigour and longevity...Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #11

So it has taken me a while to get back to writing because my last post took a lot out of me and truthfully life has changed a lot and reflection had become a bit painful.  In fact, even as I write this, I am having a hard time concentrating on any one thing long enough to form a coherent thought. So bear with me!

Our boys are a little over 5 months old now and I would dare say we've established a bit of normalcy around the busyness.  We've both started playing sports again and have even ventured out for the occasional meal in a restaurant.  It helps that they are both really good at being in new places and traveling.  Recently, however, a few things have happened which throw things off and knock us out of whatever semblance of routine has been established.  First, we had our first change in regular diaper filling.  9 days of poop free diapers left us reading posts and books about how it is perfectly normal for breastfed babies to go two weeks without leaving a stinky present in their diapers.  While each of these pieces of information was helpful in calming some nerves, it was still a little unsettling for both of us.  Poop questions became a daily greeting to my wife as I walked through the door.  It became the topic of conversation with parents and friends.  The things is our boy seemed fine and comfortable (for the most part) and we were left to wait in anticipation of when things would return to normal and the impending ass-plosion, which it eventually did...filling four diapers and lasting the better part of 30 minutes off and on.

Recently, shifts in sleeping schedules have been the norm.  It is common for both of our sons to have an off-night once a week, which seems to throw things out of whack.  The thing with twins and breastfeeding and sleeping is that it is an even more complex balancing act then what you may see at a Cirque Du Soliel show.  First off is getting them to sleep, usually after a final feed they are ready to hit the hay, although every now and then one of them will decide he would rather be up and goof around and so you are left entertaining and playing the waiting game or trying to "top him up" to see if that will settle him into his food coma.  Then comes the first wake up, when they were younger this would mean waking them both up to maintain a sound schedule, however, as they get older and with the promise of a possible 5 hour stretch of sleep a whole slew of new questions pop up.  Often this works, however when it doesn't my wife has been up every hour and a half to feed one.  I am lucky in that she believes that my job is to get up and go to the office and somehow, after years of responding to an on call phone 24/7 for some reason baby cries don't wake me.  This change in routine tends to have a major impact on the next day and despite best efforts can lead to frustration and tired days.  Frustration that usually melts away with the first smile of the morning...and the joy of twins is that there are usually two.

A life lesson for my little men from our recent experiences is that routine is good but can never be counted on to remain in tact.  In all walks of life, the only true constant is change. What can drive you to success is not only your ability to adapt but to do so positively.  When working with people it is important to remember that life exists in shades of grey and that nothing is truly linear in terms of it's progression.  You guys are a perfect example of this.  Each day forward is a step forward but does not mean that the step is the same length as the day before.  You will experience this all the time in your life.  There will be days when you seem stuck or in some cases to be moving in reverse, but if you do your best and create a positive outcome whenever possible, the truth is you are always moving forward...and you have the next moment to look forward to, when things seem to fly ahead and you are leaping rather than stepping.