Life Lesson for My Little Men #20

So things have started happening quite quickly.  We have almost hit the 9 month mark and both James and Andrew are on their way to their first tooth.  I discovered how far along by having my finger pulled into an open mouth and run over the razor that is in James' lower lip.  They have also both started reaching and scooching along the floor for things.  Things include: Toys, remotes, cell phones, books, CDs, the dog, the cat, the pillow, or anything else new to their environment that garners attention.  The scooching and is usually accompanied by excited squealing and yelling and a great deal of arm flailing which is fine for the inanimate objects but can be quite off putting to the cat...I have warned him already that it will get more interesting quite soon, but given he has a reasonably poor memory, he is after all a cat, he will probably forget.  Another recent development is the babble, Andrew has taken to talking quite extensively about a variety of topics which are near and dear to him.  He shares this with his brother or any one else in ear shot and gets very excited if he is asked questions.


To say that things have gotten busy, is a bit of an understatement.  I think that Adrienne and I are starting to grasp how much work our two little men are going to be...especially because there are two.  As I have written earlier, they are two very different people with two very different personalities and also two different timelines in terms of their development.  It is interesting in talking to other parents because we (as a society) have been conditioned to put a timeline on everything, so inevitably the conversation turns to how old and then an assumption about milestones reached.  Often this is done out of curiosity, which I would definitely encourage.  Other times questions are asked in an almost competitive spirit.  You certainly are left with a hint of "my child was sleeping through the night at 1 week, walking at 6 months, talking at 7 months, toilet trained at 8 months and working a full time job while working on their first novel by the age of 2".  Does this bother me, maybe a little, certainly in the beginning it was challenging to deal with, however, I think we have come to learn that placing expectations around James and Andrew's development is a bit like trying to learn ventriloquism, it looks simple enough but after endless hours of not getting it quite right your left wondering what's the point and then low and behold nobody cares about it anymore anyway...and all that you've got to show for your efforts are sore lips and a puppet who can't speak while you're drinking (ok, maybe not the last part).  So in the end, is it really all that important, the answer is no...not really.  And does it bother me when people ask, no...not really, because I know that they will get there and truthfully, they can take all the time the want doing it...


So my little men who are filling our lives with everyday surprises and countless smiles, I guess the lesson I have learned is this.  Society has taught us that in order to be successful we need to compare and keep score with those around us.  We have learned that faster is better and have allowed the benchmarking tactics of our work lives to infiltrate what should be the most natural and sacred process of them all.  We have been encouraged to push because today is better than tomorrow and definitely better than next week.  In doing so, we have ignored the basic rhythm of nature and forgotten that life happens in a continuum not a 24 hour clock.  I know that your mother and I want you to do great things and are prepared to support you in everything you do on your journey to that place, but I think we have also come to realize that it is your journey and you will get there, well, when you get there.  Some people are fast, others are slower (take it from me, I have never been described as fast), what matters in the end is that you get to where you want to be and you arrive at that point, when you are ready.  After all, why would I want to rush you when I already feel like you are growing up too fast.


Love always,


Dad

Life Lesson For My Little Men #19

So as I sit here eating yesterday's leftover chinese for lunch, I am feeling inspired to write a blog about the one of the most experiences in fatherhood which is witnessing the transformation of your partner into a mother.  Now some folks are probably thinking that I am writing this, on the day after mother's day, as a way of making up for something I forgot to do yesterday.  Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact, yesterday was on my accounts a pretty good first mother's day for James and Andrew and more importantly Adrienne.  If she doesn't agree with me she will have to post a comment or forever hold her peace.  No, what is inspiring me is seeing first hand how well Adrienne has taken to being a fantastic mother to both of our sons.

When you find out that you are going to be parents you are flooded with emotions.  As a father to be, it can be tough to fully understand or perceive all that you are experiencing.  In many ways, the best thing that you can do to connect to your future paternal development is to connect with your partner.  By asking questions, listening to responses (an important part of communication we often forget) and observing all of the changes that are happening to your other half, you can find a way to connect on a deeper level with the entire experience.  Once the babies (y) are born, however, it is hard to find a moment to truly take in all of the things that you and your partner are experiencing.  You are often tugged in one direction or the other and when there are two your attention is always divided.  So, it can be challenging to find enough time to stop and think about how much things have changed.

Truthfully, I don't know how much motherhood has changed my wife.  Adrienne has always been caring, apt to put others first and willing to lend a hand or a smile to a friend in need.  In actuality, motherhood has merely enhanced these fantastic qualities while bringing to the fore front others.  Adrienne is incredibly nurturing.  She painstakingly makes all of the boys food and is always there with a cuddle when that's what is needed.  She has also developed her comedic abilities often putting aside all seriousness to make cow noises, tickle fights or attempts to talk in a scottish accent in an effort to draw a few laughs.  Each day the boys enjoy a regiment of naked time where Mom stands by to ensure that they are spending the appropriate time on their tummies and backs ensuring that they are developing all of the muscles to be strong young lads.  All of this is to say that Adrienne has taken to motherhood so very well.  My pride in her is only outdone by my pride in the two little fellas that she is doing so well at raising.  

So my little, lucky to have such a fantastic mom, men a good life lesson is to love your mother with all of your heart.  As time marches on, this will take different forms (if you are still sleeping in our bed at the age of 14, that might be a bit weird), and their may come a point in time when you don't express it enough but it's important that you believe it and know that it's true.  As you grow, I am sure you will learn to understand how much she cares for you and maybe you will get just how much effort she has put into making your every minute on this earth the best that it can be.  I hope you do.  Moms are special people.  They are in many ways the engine that drives the family forward but they are also often the glue that keeps it together.  Your mom is certainly well on her way to both of these things right now and I am certain that when you are old enough to read this, you will be able to see the many ways she is doing this. Love her, cherish your moments with her and never leave something unsaid today that you would say tomorrow.
Love, Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #18

Now I am sure that I am not the best person to write this blog.  The best person would be the person that spends the most time with my two young sons, their mother.  However, because blogging is my thing and not hers, you will have to make due with my best offering.  What is interesting about our sons is that from very early on, they have been incredibly similar and yet different.  They were born only a few minutes apart and at birth their was little difference in their physical traits.  They have carried this starting point through the early part of their lives often having less than an ounce or two between them in weight and virtually identical heights.  Equally interesting though is how different they are and how early these differences have become noticeable.


To the naked and untrained eye, meaning most strangers, they look identical, but we can tell the difference.  Andrew has been lucky enough to inherit his father's awfully large and round head where as James has been blessed by his mothers, longer and thinner face.  In terms of personality they are incredibly different.  James is the local goof ball often sharing in a quick laugh and voicing his opinion with a shrill squeal that would put most birds of prey to shame.  We often exclaim that he has velociraptor in his DNA.  Another interesting fact is that James is generally a happy baby but when he goes off, does he ever go off and is harder to bring back than Bonnie from over the ocean or the sea (or however that song goes).  He will sob through many of the normal comforts and often can't be consoled with the exception of a well timed gag to get him laughing or some needed mom time.


Andrew on the other hand, tends to be more even keel.  He is quieter, is slower to laugh but also slower to cry.  His disposition is often harder to crack in terms of a laugh but again, when you get him going her will let out a honk that will warm your heart and hurt your cheeks.  He will continue to honk like a goose at the slightest inkling of a repeat performance or continuation of the gag.  He is also the more impatient of the two as he voices his displeasure quickly if he feels that he has sat two long between spoonfuls.


What is consistent about the two of them is that they are inconsistent.  I write this blog fully knowing that in two or three weeks, this description will seem completely inaccurate, but I thought it important to note how incredibly different they are.  The squealer and the honker as we will call them never cease to amaze us.  What one likes for food the other will tolerate (usually with a horrified look on his face).  The squealer is a late riser, while the honker is up most days shortly after his dad.  The squealer is quick to get into everything and anything within reach where as the honker seems to be much more deliberate about his ventures.  The squealer is not so good with the whole under water thing, where as the honker's calm demeanor pays huge dividends in his training to be the next Michael Phelps.  


All this, as mentioned above, will probably change next week, so we can never put much stock in things staying the same for long with the exception of: they both love their dog and cat (look out Arthur when they start crawling it is on), they both get really excited about bath time, they both have a smile that lights up the darkest room, they both adore their mom (and can you blame them), in fact this list could go on for quite some time...I guess in the end they are more similar than I thought, but I won't be fooled into treating them the same.  Perhaps one of the most evident challenges in raising twins is the insistance of others that they are the same.  This can be done overtly or subtly.  The use of words like they, the boys, the twins, etc. provide a challenge for others but also us as parents.  For example the question "how are they sleeping," assumes that they must share the same internal clock and pattern...I'll destroy this myth...they don't.  Whenever possible, we try and refer to them by their names rather than as a collective.  Believe me though, this is hard even for us as parents, and I certainly am not offended when others use those words to ask a question out of curiosity or care for James or Andrew.  I only raise it as something to be mindful of, as I think it represents something that we often do in an increasingly complex world, seeking simplicity by assuming sameness. 


So my little men, as you begin to explore the world around you I hope you can find ways to appreciate all of the difference and diversity that this world has to offer.  It's true that you will find similarities and familiarities in people that you meet throughout your journey but it is incredibly important that you remember that for all of the similarities that we celebrate we often forget to celebrate our difference.  This difference can be expressed in many ways and has often been portrayed as something to be wary of or even fear, despite the truth that it is what makes the mosaic that is life more beautiful.  Ask questions, hold back assumptions and seek to understand and enjoy what makes you unique from your brother, your parents, your neighbour, your friend or a person you have never met whether across a crowded restaurant or on the other side of the world.  This understanding will help you build incredible relationships, a colourful and complete life and leave a legacy of acceptance and encouragement for those around you.


Love,


Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #17

Many new parents have challenges getting their baby to sleep.  When you have two little wonders, these challenges are magnified ( I would say doubled, but I don't think that this accurately reflects just how overwhelming it can feel) and you often are left seeking answers.  Now, unless you have a solid support network of people who have been through it, you may find that you feel quite alone.  The internet and books can be helpful, and certainly, after giving birth to our two young fellows, we have met and been reunited with many friends who are in the same situation.  However, at the end of the day (literally) you are in it yourself and we certainly struggled.

About a month ago, maybe more now, it's hard to remember, we set about trying to build a stronger routine for our boys, specifically around bedtime.  We set out starting to adjust bedtime earlier and earlier in the evening often preceded by a bath and some reading (sometimes Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss or Robert Munsch, but often something a little shorter).  As we crept closer to a more reasonable time for all of us to hit the hay, the boys mounted a rebellion of mythical proportions.  One day it just seemed like they had a closed door meeting, decided that this new plan was devious and not something that would be tolerated and so they would put a stop to it.  Their protests mounted, often involving tears, sometimes smiles but the results were always the same, two very tired parents and two unhappy and overtired little men.

Each baby is different, and when you have twins, you will realize that each of them is different too.  This becomes incredibly evident when it becomes times for bed.  One of our boys loves story time with Dad, he would spend the entire time sitting and staring at me as I read through a book, complete with voices.  The other, would much rather be coddled and held by mom and while he tolerates story time, it really isn't his thing.  One thing that we found as time marched on is that our two boys did much better while in bed with us than in their crib.  And there came a time when we looked at each other and said, is this really worth it, and the answer was no.  So for the last few months we have been sharing a bed with our two sprawling little men and things have been great.  It certainly helps that neither of us is a restless sleeper and nothing is truly as rewarding as falling asleep with your little boy cuddled up next to you. 

Now I know what you are thinking (or maybe not)...Isn't co-sleeping frowned upon, and the answer is yes...but we have decided to ignore the "surgeon general type" warnings and put our own sanity and the happiness of our little men first.  And since making this decision, I must say we are all sleeping a little better and being a little happier, not to mention the fact that there is something amazing about waking up with your child right next to you.  For a while, we didn't really talk about this with other people, and even once we did, it was with an essence of guilt.  I would say, even now we aren't overly comfortable just blurting this out...although, once this blog is published, I guess that's out the window.  All this is to say that it was important for us to make a decision that was right for us and each family should feel that they have the same right to do so.  

So my little cover stealing boys, now that you are sharing the bed with us I think there are a few important life lessons you can learn.  Number 1, if you are going to let one go...which you will...it is important that you attempt to create an opening to vent , otherwise you may trap something under the covers that will confuse and disgust your bed mate...This is an even more important life lesson as you get older...Number 2, remember that life is about making good choices for you and your family.  Sometimes this will buck the trends or even go against something that is recommended, the important thing is that you take the time to make a rational decision that is in your (and in this case it's the royal your) best interests.  Life is complicated and often the so-called experts write and comment based on generalities, this is helpful in informing our opinion but is not the be all and end all.  I am glad we didn't listen, as not only are we all more rested but I am pretty sure that this stage of your life will be relatively short (in the sense that pretty soon you won't want me in your room let alone cuddling you to sleep) and it has been nice to hold and comfort you to sleep.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #16

So since becoming a father a few things have become all to prevalent in my thoughts.  I am sure that this is the case for many parents as you begin to make changes and take stock of your life.  First off, I have started thinking a great deal about my own life as a child, perhaps planning for an equally rewarding experience for my little fellows.  Of course, my memories often leave out several of the more traumatic experiences and frequently dwell on the exciting or enjoyable (for example, I think of trips to Florida or Disney and leave out the countless visits to Pioneer Villages).  Second, I have started to think about my own mortality...which is something I have often avoided as I have not yet come to terms with it.  Completely related to this is a third new thought which is what world will I leave my children and how will I teach them to leave the world to their kids.  

When we found out we were having twins we decided to make an effort to limit the impact our little ones would have on the environment.  We made a choice to go with cloth diapers, which took some getting used to for both us and the babies, and is requiring further adjustment now that we are starting on solid foods.  I'll explain this further, the cloth diapers we use (happy nappy), in order to be absorbent tend to be much thicker than your traditional disposable.  They are also unique as they are often hand made and so there is some variation in fit.  Finally, there is a liner, which adds an additional step to each diapering session.  On our initial attempt, Adrienne and I didn't know if we would be able to do it...but now, 6 months later, we are hooked and definitely wouldn't go in the other direction.  We do use disposables when we are traveling (appointments, visiting, etc.) and that's enough for us.

Our second commitment was to source as many of our purchases on resale websites like kijiji or craigslist.  Not only does this make good economic sense (the baby product industry, and I believe I can call it that as in my opinion any industry that convinces us that our babies need a warmer for something that wipes their butts is in it for the almighty $$$), but it also supports others in your local area.  In doing this, where ever possible we have tried to buy products that will last and that can be resold or donated to others at a later date.  

In all of our purchases, we have tried to buy products that are made in Canada a plan that carried over from our recent home purchase.  We often do this at a greater expense than if we were to cruise down to the local Walmart (there are soon to be 3 within 3 km of our house...yikes!), but I am more than willing to pay a few dollars more for something that was made here, employed a Canadian but more importantly didn't come across an ocean on a giant, diesel guzzling ship.   The sad part is that what you will find is that there are many things that you simply can't find that have been produced here.  Sad in the sense that it is seen as cheaper (not more sustainable) to ship millions of tiny baby spoons from across the ocean than to simply make them here...in the end though, I question the cheaper/more profitable part of this argument when in the long run it may be our generation or even worse my boys' generation that will need to figure out how to maintain society without fossil fuels to produce food, ship items, drive to work, etc.

We have also made an effort to make our own food.  Again, there are sometimes that this is a challenge and it simply doesn't make sense to do so.  This way we can control what is put in the food, but we can also cut down on the amount of additional waste that we generate.  So far, so good on this one.  Our boys seem ok with their pureed peas, carrots, yams and pears and Adrienne is an excellent cook, I haven't yet ventured into this world.

So my fast growing little men, as you walk through life it is important that you remember your place in this great wide world.  I don't mean this to be daunting and deflating (as often you will feel that you are small and cannot make a difference) but more so to reflect on all that you have been given and all that you must leave to those who follow.  Far too often, we leave things or don't make the smallest of efforts because we don't believe that they have an impact or because they are inconvenient.  For many of us, we should feel privileged that at this point convenience can even weigh into this decision...for your generation my little ones, I am not sure that will be the case.  My point is this, even small changes can make an impact...and the scope of our ability to effect change should never be a part of the question or answer, because truthfully if we all took baby steps...wouldn't we effect change?!?!  People are often quoted as saying that their goal in life is to leave the world a better place than how they found it...however, does this make sense if we are not giving our all to actually leave a physical planet to inhabit?!?!  So as you continue to grow please remember that whenever you can, make decisions that will help heal or sustain the greatest gift we have all been given...this planet to inhabit until such day as we leave it to the next generation.  I wish more in my generation had done a better job of this for you.  Even your smallest efforts will have impact...the important part is that you make the effort.  Love, Dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #15

Please bear with me as I rant a little bit in an effort to get something off of my chest.  My hope in writing this is to raise a little awareness of an issue but also to put down on paper or better yet into the universe.  So we have gotten to a point in our journey where we are deciding what to do when Adrienne's maternity leave comes to an end.  I never thought this decision would be overly challenging and I think both of us just assumed that she would go back to work (see Life Lesson #14 for something to consider on this front), but with twins and the fact that they were 8 weeks early, we have had to recalibrate a little bit.  When we found out we were having twins a story briefly hit the news in Canada about a couple who was in court to appeal the length of time that they could take on Mat. Leave after the birth of their twins.  The basis of their appeal was that if they had given birth to their children 12 months apart, they would have been able to take 2 years of parental leave.  The government's stance on this is that it constitutes one birth (although, I think if you asked, most women would say that they could plainly feel two actual births...just sayin'), and so parents are entitled to one year.

Here's the thing, I am not usually a complainer and I know we have it better than some, so I am not in any way trying to diminish the value of what we have, however, I think the additional year is something to consider and here is why.  1) Fairness, as mentioned above, if we had been blessed with two children born a year apart, we would have been entitled to 2 full years of leave, as it stands we have one year and two children (all of our costs are as if we had two children and it doesn't seem that we will be lucky enough to pay for childcare for one given that there was "only one birth").  As part of this argument, it is not as if we planned to have twins...in fact, twins don't run in the family so we would never even have known, so in essence, because of a little miracle we are not treated the same as another couple by our government.  2) Our boys were born early and as I have highlighted earlier, this means that when we reach a year and my wife is scheduled to return to work, they won't be as far along as most their age.  Some day-cares won't even take them if they can't walk, so we may be left with little choice...but also, we don't think they will be ready for full time child care.  3) We have been lucky, despite a rocky start both of our sons are very healthy, however, many couples who give birth to multiples are not so lucky, the extra year would be incredibly helpful in ensuring that the children were ready physically and emotionally for mom (or dad) to go back to work.  4) Raising twins is not the same as raising two children and certainly during the first year, this is not the case.  Adrienne is a champ and has been incredible at adjusting to her new role, but there is little time for her to recover.  For example, nap time is sometimes a family event but is more often a solo past-time which leaves mom entertaining whichever of the two has decided to push through the momentary exhaustion and blow drool bubbles.  An additional amount of time for leave would be ease some of this exhaustion.

So in the end, I hope this doesn't sound like a "it's not fair" kind of rant, believe me, I know that life isn't.  And, it is not an effort to get a bit more of a handout, we have never been the type to want one without the expectation that we would pay it back.  It is however, an effort to dialogue about something near to my heart and at the front of my conscious right now as we are possibly coming to terms with a time of single income support for a young family. 

So, my little men who have all the potential and possibility to do great things, I guess the life lesson is this:  Sometimes, despite all of your efforts to make choices and live with your values in mind and action, things will come up which will cause you to re-evaluate.  Your mom, as you will know when you read this, is an incredible educator and has always taken joy in being a smart, successful, caring and giving woman.  When you two came along, it took a while to come to grips with the fact that life for both of us had changed and priorities began to look different, sacrifices had to be made.  One such sacrifice is career goals.  Sometimes, there will be help in making this decision or easing the impact and other times, there won't be. I guess the important part is to take time to sit down, reflect on your options, talk openly with those that will be affected and then make the best decision, even if it means that in the short term things will get tougher.  In the end, the only thing that truly matters is that you have made the best choice that you can, which sometimes won't be the easiest road or even the road you have always traveled  on...but it will be the road that leads to the best outcome.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #14

So many people have been asking me for some advice on what they will need in preparation for their expected twins so I thought I would put a little down on paper in an effort to help out.  This list is by no means exhaustive but there are a few things that you should know:

1) You don't need two of everything, in fact in preparation, it is better to hold off on two of something until you know if they are going to like it.  For example, if you buy two swings you may have a baby (or even worse, both) who doesn't like the swing, and thus, two is a bit of a waste.  You will need two car seats...

2)  You will need lots of clothes, again, maybe not two of everything but unless you enjoy doing laundry it would be a good idea to have plenty of clothes to make up for the occasional ass-plosion or the inevitable drool/vomit fest.

3)  Diapering - check out a diaper service if you live in a major city.  We use a company called Happy Nappy and have been, well, happy with it so far.  Here's the deal, if you are even thinking of going cloth then check it out, the cost for the second baby could be as little as $8/week...which when you translate it moving forward is significantly cheaper than disposable...and better for your babies and the environment...win-win-win.  This being said, disposable diapers still come in handy for appointments, outings, etc. so it's not necessarily whole sale...but we have been pretty close

4)  For strollers, we have three.  We have a double snap and go...that the car seats just snap into...it has been amazingly convenient while the boys are small (and if they are born early they will likely be small).  We have a double jogger, which is just seeing use now that the weather is nicer...and it is amazing for dog walks, trips to the park and running of course.  And last but not least, or maybe least depending on how you look at it, we have a double umbrella.  We haven't used this one yet, but when the time comes it will be awesome for mall trips, trips down town, etc.  I tried to convince Adrienne that we could just tape two of these together and save some cash, but the convincing didn't go very well.

5) A good twin specific carrier and multiple wraps.  The twin carrier we have has many different options for strapping two babies to you...which is great and you can also just carry one at a time (good for vacuuming, shopping, etc...especially if you want to split up and not be asked the ever popular questions "are they twins?", "are they identical?", etc.  Wraps and slings are good around the house and come in various sizes...key here is to get something that you can use quickly, as time to get set up is often at a premium and the more complicated, the longer it takes.

6)Toys, music and books...yes, yes and yes!  Our boys love all of the above, although books and music seem to be the most popular...get a few staple toys rattles, teething toys, and a few stuffed animals and puppets.  We love reading at night to try and settle them in for bed (which is an experience with two) so I would say it's better to have more books than toys (the babies won't get bored of one toy as fast as you will with one book).  Music, we have opted for some classics that we can sing along with during play time and if you can play an instrument and sing...well then I suggest starting to learn some popular ones (wheels on the bus, we're going to the zoo, etc.)

7) the last one for today but perhaps the most important, if your babies come early (and again, twins often do) and they stay in the hospital for an extended period (ours were in for 6 weeks) then consider applying for Long Term Disability through your work before starting maternity leave.  At Sunnybrook, our social worker talked to us about this and we decided at the time not to, but are now regretting it.  Reason why is that when they come early some of their development is sped up, but most of it will remain on the timeline with their due date.  So at a year, for example, there is almost no chance that they will be walking, and you will have a very hard time thinking about day care as an option.  I say this because I wish we had thought about it from this perspective rather than looking at a good time for Adrienne to return to work based on her schedule.

Again, there is much more to this list than I have written down, but it's a start.  If you want to contribute, I welcome comments.  

And to my little men, who light up my evening every night when I come home please remember that you are never to old to learn and you should never assume that you can't be taught by someone who is younger than you.  Looking at the list above and reading past posts, you will very quickly realize that while I am writing as if to give you advice I am actually learning from you.  With each day I have learned more about myself, your mother and the both of you.  I have learned to be patient, caring, loving and flexible on a level that nothing else in life has prepared me for and it has made me a much better man than I ever before.  Thank you for being the greatest gift of all and life's greatest teachers...you make me smile!

Love always, 

Dad