Life Lesson for my Little Men #45

A little while back I was out with Andrew in the backyard.  We were playing baseball, well more like I was lobbing so he could swing an oversized Flintstone-esque bat at a whiffle ball (for those of a younger generation the Flintstones was a cartoon about the bungling hyjinks of a modern Stone Age family...see here).  Now I'll preface this by saying that Andrew has always possessed some pretty good hand eye coordination.  Before he was 2 he was hitting a ball with a golf club, baseball bat and/or a hockey stick.  What was different this time is that when he swung and missed, he dropped his head stood very still and said in a quiet voice, "I missed it Dad."  In the moment I was a bit shocked by his reaction to failure.  I responded by encouraging him to try again, that even the best hitters miss more often than they hit, and that the only way to get better is to keep trying.  Beyond all of this cliche advice I vocalized the importance of having fun...if your not having fun seemingly difficult tasks become next to impossible.  So we kept playing and his reaction to failure improved slightly but after a few misses he drifted back to the dejected and defeated.

What is especially striking is that already, failure and fear of failure is impacting his desire to try.  He wasn't even three years old and his need for success was more important than any other outcome of our playing together.  Adrienne and I have tried to create an environment where having fun and learning are at the heart of the boys lives.  We have been cautious in praising every little thing and are very much conscience of how celebration of success for one may make the other feel.  It's not about shielding them from competition or the hard realities of the world but more so about normalizing failure as a part of the learning process and delaying their need to "win."  Is competition important, yes, I think it is.  Is a desire to be the best important, yes, I think it is.  Does that outcome take precedent/priority over putting effort into something where you still have a skill to build/or develop, NO, I don't think it is.  Sadly, fear of failure is all to common among all ages.  I know I have battled this my entire life.  I have vivid memories of each time I have let somebody else down or my performance fell short.  I can remember that criticism almost word for word.  In some cases I can remember what I was wearing.  For example, thinking back, I can remember the name of the prof who gave me a D+ in 3rd year Finance...I can't remember the name of the prof who gave me an A in 4th year Organizational Behaviour.  So truthfully, the scars of failure run far deeper than the marks of success.  I had wished that this would be something we could avoid with James and Andrew, however, it appears that this will be an uphill battle.  Why? Because we live in a society that praises and recognizes the winner.  Failure is often not seen as a step toward success but rather something that the truly skilled overcome quickly or avoid all together.  We glorify high performers quickly focusing on the eventual outcome rather than everything that led to their success.  

I'm a downhill skier.  I took to the sport pretty late, after fear of both failure and pain had set in...something that those younger than I didn't have or did a better job of hiding.  As such, I have pushed myself a handful of times to try and ski moguls ("the bumps").  Each time I have turned out of the line for fear of falling, but really because I know I am not good at it.  If you are expecting a strong narrative of my overcoming that fear, then you will be disappointed...I still don't ski them.  I still have not dealt with that.  In other areas of my life, I am far more apt to take this on.  I am currently in a new position at work (in fact, it seems that I have been perpetually in new positions for much of the recent past) and over the past few months have been working through my fear of sounding incompetent or worse yet overconfident.  I read something very recently that helped, it was an article that explained how asking questions and seeking new knowledge helped you seem more capable to others.  Better yet, by acknowledging your own short comings and their expertise it can help build buy-in and further build relationships.  So now, as I am rediscovering my confidence and more willing to push myself to expand, I am certainly more reticent of my desire for perfection and how using that as a limiting factor can influence my growth and ultimately my success.

So my little men who through your very complex conversations make me laugh on a daily basis the thought from this experience is to make every effort to embrace failure as part of the journey.  Failure as a possibility shouldn't be a determining factor in trying something new or putting your heart into something you care about.  Everyone fails, that is a fact!  In fact, failure is a part of everyone's journey as a necessary step to success.  In fact, many would argue that if you haven't experienced failure than you are not pushing yourself hard enough.  I am hoping that as you grow that you can ignore the temporary pain of failure and use it as motivation to push on.  I am eager to see how you take on new challenges and would encourage you to do so with an open mind...one that is not predicated on your mastery of the subject but one your continued development.  I am also encouraged by my wish that maybe some of your enthusiasm and zeal will rub off on an old guy like your dad and push him to take on new things without fear of failure and worry playing such a major part in the narrative.

Love,

Dad