Life Lesson For My Little Men #47

And so we have entered the "Why?" phase.  It's not like it was an abrupt entrance.  We had been slowly plodding along a track of curiosity for sometime.  What makes this phase distinct is the persistence of the questions, predominantly why.  

In our house, movie watching is reserved for weekends.  Usually Friday and Saturday nights we curl up for a bit and watch half a movie, leaving the other half for later. Over the holidays, the boys were fortunate to receive a few new movies and so began the questions..."Who is that?" "What is he doing?" "Why isn't he being nice?" "What is her name?"  The incessant chatter caused Adrienne and I to stay up and watch the rest of the movies, not so we'd have the answers but so that we could actually enjoy and understand what was going on.  From that we have shifted squarely into a time where questions rule the day...and that is a good thing...it caused me to wonder when we grow out of this?!? When do we become more concerned with knowing the answer vs. knowing the question?  When do we lose the innocent curiosity? What causes us to hold back when we don't fully understand something?

As adults we are often so consumed with moving forward that we forget how important it is to see what is around us.  In this case, seeing is being truly aware and if unsure seeking clarity.  We put ourselves in a space where taking the next step supersedes full comprehension and so we often take that step without truly knowing where we have been and where we will be going. 

Perhaps it is because of fear of judgment, not wanting to appear ignorant or less knowledgeable that we put our questions aside...preferring to nod and make a mental note to Google that thing to try and understand later. 

But what are the consequences?!? In some cases, it would seem that we would be making decisions without fully understanding the context or impact of those decisions.  Scary stuff right?!? but certainly not without a plentiful number of examples woven through out our history.  Even worse in my book is the potential impact on our relationships.  A lack of open curiosity enables us to drift through our days only half knowing the people around us, making assumptions about their experiences and dulling the emotions that bring us as humans together.  No wonder there is a lack of empathy in the world.

So my little men, I want to thank you for opening me up to the wonders of "Why?".  It is important that you hang onto that spirit for as long as you can and encourage it in others.  Asking questions unabashedly will help you feel with the vibrancy and clarity that you and this world deserves.  Ask questions, push beyond assumptions, and challenge your own need to be perceived as "knowing".  Most importantly be present, interested and curious in the experiences an feelings of those around you...let that help you create what you "know".

And I will do my best not to be impatient, to ask my own questions, and encourage you along the way.

Love Dad

PS - I appreciate that you enjoy a wide variety of toys as sleeping partners...however, when you scream bloody murder in the middle of the night because you have dropped one under the bed...my appreciation wanes quickly.

Life Lesson for my Little Men # 46

Today, I had my first experience dropping James and Andrew off at the Jelly Bean Club, which is a 2 hour program they attend once a week at the local community centre.  Adrienne explained everything to me before I left and I was well versed in the challenges of the drop off. There would likely be some tears, some red eyes and the emergence of the dreaded lower lip.  I was also fully aware that both James and Andrew enjoyed being at the Jelly Bean Club.  They love playing with new toys, doing crafts and are slowly becoming enthused by singing and dancing.  I psyched myself up and we marched out the door and off to hang out with the other "Jelly Beaners".  The game plan was quite simple, get in...get out, tear off the band-aid and show no mercy. Easier said than done.  As we entered the main doors I got caught up in the crowd and in an effort to make good on the logistical needs (paperwork, etc.) I lingered a little and in doing so we got separated...well kind of.  When I turned around I saw Andrew racing past me and through the doors and into the classroom but where was James...standing just down the hall, shoulders heaving, eyes just starting to water and lower lip not only jutting out like a shelf but quivering as if it were a shelf hung by his old man before he learned the true value of a stud finder.

I made my move.  I walked over, took him by the mitted hand and we walked to the door, he telling me how much he didn't want me to leave and me insisting he would have fun.  He seemed unconvinced but as we got to the door an awesome thing happened.  Andrew, already fully changed out of his coat, hat, and mittens was waiting for James and as we opened the door greeted him with an enthusiastic "James, let's go play with the dinosaurs."  And that was that, off James went.  When I came to pick them up, everything of course was fine and we had some fantastic paper bag snowman puppets to show for it.  This isn't the first time that either James or Andrew has encouraged the other when they are upset or scared.  There have been multiple really cute moments where a word of encouragement or a quick hug has been the helping hand the other has needed.  It certainly made me reflect on something I had chatted about with a colleague not to long ago.  One of the challenges of raising twins is that they experience everything together...rarely is there a moment where there is an older sibling to model or say "it'll be okay."  Today, however, I was reminded of the value of peer encouragement.

So my little but growing men...or as you would say, my big boys, today I was reminded of just how important it is to have others around to push, empower and encourage you to take on something you may otherwise be fearful of.  Sure it is great to have somebody who has been there before to show you the ropes, but possibly just as important is receiving that assurance from someone who is going through it with you, especially when that encouragement comes so sincerely and earnestly.  You have both already shown an incredible capacity to be that person for each other and I hope that as you grow you will continue to support and push empower one another but also your fellow classmates, friends, and peers.

Love, Dad

Life Lesson for my Little Men #45

A little while back I was out with Andrew in the backyard.  We were playing baseball, well more like I was lobbing so he could swing an oversized Flintstone-esque bat at a whiffle ball (for those of a younger generation the Flintstones was a cartoon about the bungling hyjinks of a modern Stone Age family...see here).  Now I'll preface this by saying that Andrew has always possessed some pretty good hand eye coordination.  Before he was 2 he was hitting a ball with a golf club, baseball bat and/or a hockey stick.  What was different this time is that when he swung and missed, he dropped his head stood very still and said in a quiet voice, "I missed it Dad."  In the moment I was a bit shocked by his reaction to failure.  I responded by encouraging him to try again, that even the best hitters miss more often than they hit, and that the only way to get better is to keep trying.  Beyond all of this cliche advice I vocalized the importance of having fun...if your not having fun seemingly difficult tasks become next to impossible.  So we kept playing and his reaction to failure improved slightly but after a few misses he drifted back to the dejected and defeated.

What is especially striking is that already, failure and fear of failure is impacting his desire to try.  He wasn't even three years old and his need for success was more important than any other outcome of our playing together.  Adrienne and I have tried to create an environment where having fun and learning are at the heart of the boys lives.  We have been cautious in praising every little thing and are very much conscience of how celebration of success for one may make the other feel.  It's not about shielding them from competition or the hard realities of the world but more so about normalizing failure as a part of the learning process and delaying their need to "win."  Is competition important, yes, I think it is.  Is a desire to be the best important, yes, I think it is.  Does that outcome take precedent/priority over putting effort into something where you still have a skill to build/or develop, NO, I don't think it is.  Sadly, fear of failure is all to common among all ages.  I know I have battled this my entire life.  I have vivid memories of each time I have let somebody else down or my performance fell short.  I can remember that criticism almost word for word.  In some cases I can remember what I was wearing.  For example, thinking back, I can remember the name of the prof who gave me a D+ in 3rd year Finance...I can't remember the name of the prof who gave me an A in 4th year Organizational Behaviour.  So truthfully, the scars of failure run far deeper than the marks of success.  I had wished that this would be something we could avoid with James and Andrew, however, it appears that this will be an uphill battle.  Why? Because we live in a society that praises and recognizes the winner.  Failure is often not seen as a step toward success but rather something that the truly skilled overcome quickly or avoid all together.  We glorify high performers quickly focusing on the eventual outcome rather than everything that led to their success.  

I'm a downhill skier.  I took to the sport pretty late, after fear of both failure and pain had set in...something that those younger than I didn't have or did a better job of hiding.  As such, I have pushed myself a handful of times to try and ski moguls ("the bumps").  Each time I have turned out of the line for fear of falling, but really because I know I am not good at it.  If you are expecting a strong narrative of my overcoming that fear, then you will be disappointed...I still don't ski them.  I still have not dealt with that.  In other areas of my life, I am far more apt to take this on.  I am currently in a new position at work (in fact, it seems that I have been perpetually in new positions for much of the recent past) and over the past few months have been working through my fear of sounding incompetent or worse yet overconfident.  I read something very recently that helped, it was an article that explained how asking questions and seeking new knowledge helped you seem more capable to others.  Better yet, by acknowledging your own short comings and their expertise it can help build buy-in and further build relationships.  So now, as I am rediscovering my confidence and more willing to push myself to expand, I am certainly more reticent of my desire for perfection and how using that as a limiting factor can influence my growth and ultimately my success.

So my little men who through your very complex conversations make me laugh on a daily basis the thought from this experience is to make every effort to embrace failure as part of the journey.  Failure as a possibility shouldn't be a determining factor in trying something new or putting your heart into something you care about.  Everyone fails, that is a fact!  In fact, failure is a part of everyone's journey as a necessary step to success.  In fact, many would argue that if you haven't experienced failure than you are not pushing yourself hard enough.  I am hoping that as you grow that you can ignore the temporary pain of failure and use it as motivation to push on.  I am eager to see how you take on new challenges and would encourage you to do so with an open mind...one that is not predicated on your mastery of the subject but one your continued development.  I am also encouraged by my wish that maybe some of your enthusiasm and zeal will rub off on an old guy like your dad and push him to take on new things without fear of failure and worry playing such a major part in the narrative.

Love,

Dad

Life Lesson for My Little Men #44

Three years old.  To say that time flies is an understatement.  Wasn't it just yesterday that you were struggling to your feet and standing with wobbly admiration of your accomplishment.  I'm pretty sure that it was only a few weeks ago that you uttered your first words.  It certainly seems that it wasn't all that long ago that I white knuckled home from the hospital with the most precious cargo of my life in the back...apologies to anyone who was stuck behind me.  Over the last three years I have learned so much as I have watched you learn.  I have learned the joy found in an early morning laugh.  I have
discovered the critical importance of asking the "right question" to encourage your explanation.  I have found panic in a loud thump in the middle of the night and been challenged to just relax when I see you tumble, here you cough or hear your cry.  But above all, I have learned to be a better person and for this I say thank you.  

Not a day goes by where I don't look at you in admiration of who you are and what you will become. At first, I almost felt a little guilty about my feelings, after all there is an element of each proud papa that must come from a place of selfishness, almost as an artist looking over their masterful creation.  In truth however, I know that I cannot take a great deal of credit for all that I see.  I mean how much influence can one possibly have in a few short hours a day...your mother on the other hand should be quite proud of all that she has influenced.  I shouldn't feel guilty though because I am learning that that inkling of selfish pride comes not from what I am doing to build you up but what you are doing to build me.  This blog , as an example, started as an opportunity to share insights into life lessons that I could teach you but very quickly evolved into the lessons we are sharing as a part of our journey together.
So on your third birthday there is no life lesson, just a simple note of gratitude.  Thank you for being you, which is just what the world needed. Thank you for helping me grow into who I am.  Thank you for the journey thus far and for the steps we are about to take.
Love your very proud dad.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #43

We can all get frustrated.  Usually that frustration stems from a feeling of powerlessness in affecting an outcome.  Believe me, in my life I have had my share of moments where I have felt this way. Whether at work or in my personal life, it is impossible to count the times when I have felt that I was being ignored, forced into a decision or not included in a decision in which the outcome would impact me.  Across these moments, I have learned how to deal with those emotions and feelings in a productive way.  I know where you think this is going...and it's true, being the father of twins has reopened that learning in new ways...but that's not why I am writing this.  I thought it was important to reflect on how early these situations arise and how some of the understanding we are trying to develop in James and Andrew still plays a role in so many adult moments.

James and Andrew for almost 3 year olds possess an amazing grasp of language and communication.  They carry on full conversations, respond to questions thoughtfully and ask a million questions.  Where this tends to fall apart is when emotions run high.  In these moments, language and dialogue go out the door and usually it is followed by the Crookshank family temper, an inherited trait that has caused fear in the hearts of others (mostly other Crookshanks) for generations. The result is often a bunch of yelling, foot stomping, and a face that's colour is that of a cherry or certain Italian sports car that I will never own.  If this doesn't get the message across to the offending party (who is almost always their brother) the logical escalation is the infamous hit, pinch, pull or in dire moments bite.

So how do you deal with this as a parent?  Consistency is important. Ensure that you are both on the same page and are encouraging the same things.  Encourage dialogue.  The number of times I have responded to a situation with "use your words, why are you frustrated" is mind boggling.  Be Equitable.  With twins, this may be easier as they are both at roughly the same point.  I imagine having different expectations with children of varying ages would make this tough, perhaps impossible (although I wouldn't know).  Most importantly be patient and realistic.  In a moment of exasperation not too long ago I came to some clarity on this one.  At one point, as I myself began to get frustrated after yet another intervention I realized that I needed to alter my expectations.  Why?!? Because how can I expect these almost 3 year olds to get something that so many adults still don't get.  Conflict is not uncommon in adult life and physically or emotionally aggressive responses to frustration and conflict is probably more normal than it should be.  Imagine a world where we all reacted to moments of frustration by responding with honest and authentic dialogue...Like so many other things with children, the end goal of empathy, authenticity and open communication is not a sprint but a long journey.  Recognizing that there are significant bumps on the road and deviations from the path to the final destination is paramount to staying patient during these moments.

So, my little men who are unimaginably turning three in a month I hope you can learn the value of communication through stressful times.  For many of us, emotion can form a formidable barrier to understanding and communicating.  This barrier often creates further tension and escalates the situation rather than providing opportunities for clarity and problem solving.  The challenge ahead of you is to find ways to separate yourself and all of the feelings from the issue at hand, a task of increasing complexity when that issue is something you are intimately connected with.  Please don't think of this as an effort to minimize what you are feeling or an excuse to do that to others, rather it is a call to own up to them in real and authentic ways, put them on the table and deal with it productively.

Love always,

Dad

PS - thanks for the repetitive rubber ducky squirts yesterday...I was feeling a little grubby and the need for a face full of rubber scented almost warm bath water.

Life Lesson for My Little Men #42

As a University Student Affairs professional, I feel like I have had plenty of training and lived experiences that have made the transition to parenting easier.  It's funny how the two worlds collide, not in a denigrating way to the students I work with, I just think drawing parallels in how development happens is interesting and can offer valuable insight.  In both lives I have discussed behaviour and consequence, impact vs intent, empathetic listening and behaviour, and the importance of a healthy/balanced lifestyle.  In both worlds I have been exposed to challenging and complex situations, sometimes involving vomit, which take a team approach to resolving.

Recently, both James and Andrew are having some issues understanding the concept of consent (and why shouldn't they, they are only two).  Often, Adrienne and I find ourselves intervening in a battle for a toy, shirt, cup, etc. after one of the young fellows has decided to simply take it from his brother.  We encourage dialogue and discussion and for them to express their frustrations without violence (sometimes successfully).  Usually the conversation looks something like:

James (v.v.): Andrew, can I have ______.
Andrew (v.v.): No, not yet
James then reaches and takes ______
Andrew yells and gets angry
Mom or dad: gentleman what has happened?
Andrew continues yelling and once calm says: James took ______
Mom and dad: James why did you take it
James: because I wanted it
Mom and Dad: I understand you wanted to play with it but can you
explain how you taking it makes Andrew feel.
James: it makes Andrew sad...

Now what is interesting is that sometimes they will come right out and identify the impact of their behaviour before being prompted which means on reflection they get it...but in the moment, they forget.  Sowe continue to work, developing empathy that will hopefully appear more proactively the next time.

The parallels to my work with young adults in this topic is spot on. Students (particularly young men) struggle immensely with the concept of consent, often with much more dire consequences.  Similarly, they are able to identify the hurt/impact in their actions after the fact but this ability often falls short in the moment.  None of this is meant to compare the cognitive abilities of my 2 year old sons with that of the students I work with.  It is, however, to argue that we may need to start addressing this issue far earlier.  Which leads me to my next question, how do you reinforce and educate a toddler about the
importance of consent in healthy relationships and in turn how do you teach them that they need to be vocal about it?  I think it is incredibly important to teach them empathy and understanding.  I also think it is important to build in them the efficacy and confidence to be strong in their feelings and decisions and to make that decision known.  Lastly, in encouraging dialogue, I think we can demonstrate how important communication is in truly understanding the other person, their wishes and how respect and value is far more important than short term desires and needs.

So my little men, as you begin to understand more and more about those around you, it is important that you learn to see the value of healthy relationships with others.  This starts with finding value in yourself and recognizing the value of people around you.  The importance of understanding consent is extremely important as you continue to grow.  Recognizing that it is important for you to say no if you don't want to do something and that it is equally important that you wait for an enthusiastic yes from others before you act.  There will be many times when you won't get what you want when you want it and that's okay because in the end the value of another's consent is of absolute impotance.  It seems easy to understand, if the answer isn't "Yes, I would love to share that with you..." then the answer is "no" however, at different times there will be contexts and situations which may confuse you or someone around you.  In these moments, it is important that you stop, think, listen, and observe before you act.  That act may be stepping in to help someone, stepping back to take stock and be patient, or taking the next step.  And when in doubt...ask again, with all the empathy, sincerity and authenticity that you have in your mind, soul and heart.

Love Dad

PS - It's super cute that you wear my work shoes around the house and pretend you are going to work...it's a little less cute at 7 am when daddy is half awake and late for his train and only one shoe is at the front door.

PPS - the amount of time you have to eat your ice cream is a function of the consistency of the ice cream, the ambient temperature of your environment, and whether or not you decided to bite a hole in the bottom of the cone!

Life Lesson for my Little Men #41

My apologies first off because this post will come across as a bit of a rant, however, I think the topic is valuable, so you will have to put up with it.  Recently, there has been a fair amount of chatter about productivity and success.  Lists and compendiums of habits or efforts of people who have been defined as successful based in their wealth/influence (which are often conflated to be the same) serve as Linkedin fodder and abound endlessly on the internet and social media. Working a 16+ hour day is worn as a badge of honour and is often touted as being the road to success.  But here in lies the problem, in my view there is an incredible amount of unspoken privilege in this discussion.  For example, there are many folk in this world who work 16 hour days who have no hope of being "successful". In the western world we hear constantly of people working two jobs just to pay rent, and they aren't doing so in a way that pays homage to the gods of capitalism (who started with a penny and are now millionaires), they are doing so as a part of a seemingly never ending spiral of survival.  Outside of the privileged parts of our world, this s theory, that working hard results in financial success, is even more unrealistic as people paid below subsistence wages work endless hours to create the shirts that we can buy for $20 at the local mall. This notion of financial success coming as a direct result of hard work does however fit in nicely with the traditional narrative of those who have bought into the notion of the free market.  The poor are poor because they don't work hard enough and if they just worked harder they would no longer be poor or need support.  

Also, let's just examine this notion of success.  I am one who doesn't work an official 16 hour day.  Number one, I can't.  I have two little men who count on me, not just to put a roof over their head but also to be there, and I recognize the privilege that I have in being able to make that decision.  Secondly, it's about how you define success. My definition is more closely tied to the sons I am raising and less to the $$$ in my bank account, the car I drive, or my investment income.  You may in fact value different things, and so what I would ask is let's end this guilt trip we place on each other.  I won't judge your choice and you won't judge mine recognizing that life is about choices, sacrifices and outcomes.  The mere fact that we have power in any of these factors is a function of the power and privilege we have been afforded and has little to do with our value as a person.  

So my little men, as you grow to recognize what exists around us I hope you see not only the effort that is made to be "successful" but that the outcome tied to that effort is a function of not just hard work but privilege.  I also hope that you see the value in arriving at your own definition of success and that it comes from what fulfills you as a person.  Life is too short to tie your value and worth to what is considered normative by others.  Model your life after those you admire not just based on their bottom-lines but their level of happiness and for goodness sake don't brag about it.  Don't get me wrong, it's important to be proud of who you are and how you live your life, but is equally important to recognize that having a choice is a privilege that not everyone has and that your decision is no better than those around you. 

Love,

Dad.

PS - Despite what you may believe, I do not keep my guitar pic inside my guitar...