I have written a great deal about some of the challenges and joys of being a new dad and I guess the theme of this post is more about the increasingly evident change in my identity as I continue to grow in that role. First of all, let me couch this post by saying that despite outside appearances, I am not sure I ever really had "it" all together. I have been quite successful in my life thus far, I have an incredible family, a job I love, I was fortunate to go to University (twice) and I have been able to do some of the things I love along the way. So what has changed? Well, the answer to this is none of the above but best relates to my own perceptions of my own value and ability as I have moved into dad-dom.
One of the things that happens as a Dad, or parent for that matter, is that what was once your time to pull yourself together, get organized and reflect and learn from your experiences disappears. It is replaced by getting other things sort of organized while you run out the door (hopefully with both shoes) to an appointment, swimming lesson or visit...and I am pretty sure that this only increases once your children are walking, playing organized sports, taking piano/guitar lessons, etc. The time you spent reflecting and learning you now spend teaching and learning how to teach...all in all, it feels a bit like somebody found whatever rug you were standing on, gave it a quick tug and while you are falling tosses balls in the air and expects you to catch them. As a detail oriented person, the greatest challenge to my now topsy-turvy life is giving up on some of the details. This goes beyond prioritizing and is more about coming to terms with the fact that there will be times (many times) that you won't be able to give something your all...in fact, I might say that if you are a perfectionist, having a child or in our case, children is a pretty easy way to learn to be satisfied with less than perfect.
Is this a bad thing, I don't necessarily think so. Since James and Andrew were born, I have learned when to be perfect and when to be adequate, and what I can say is that an easy way to prioritize is to start with your family and let everything else follow from there. After all, once your kids are born, it's not really about you anymore...it's really about them or better than that, us. For example, last September, I was finishing up a course for my Masters when James and Andrew arrived. I worked hard to pull my final assignment together but quickly realized that it would be challenging to put my all into my work with so much going on in my life. So, I did something I hadn't done in a long time and simply got something done...it was not perfect, but it was adequate...I got my mark, not my highest...but adequate and I moved on...still have a bit to go on that Masters but I am pretty sure I will get there.
So my little men who are now starting to crawl and explore...it's important to remember that often while we try to be perfect, sometimes it's just not possible. Details are important and being good at detailed work will often set you apart from those you work with, but it is often equally vital for you to be able to determine what requires all of the details to be spot on and what you simply need to get done. As I mentioned above, the one place where I will always strive for perfection is with our family and I hope you will feel that is the case. In the end what I hope you take from this, and what I have learned, is that perfection is something that we often strive for in our own work, in many cases exceeding expectations. When this strive for perfection impacts getting something done, or challenges your ability to fulfill your obligations it indeed becomes problematic. In most of these cases, you do not need to be perfect...recognizing that almost everything you do is a beginning and not an ending...what I mean by this is that there is almost always an opportunity to build on what you have done...So, be happy with what you can accomplish, remember to strive for perfection where it is truly needed and where you find value and don't be afraid to be happy with your best efforts even if there is still room to improve.
Love, Dad
PS - I love the fact that you are crawling and getting into everything but if you could be a little gentler with my DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince CDs I would greatly appreciate it...I have to maintain some memory of when Will Smith was just a skinny rapper from West Philadelphia (Born and Raised)...I'll show you the youtube clips sometime (that is if youtube is still relevant when you read this).
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Life Lesson For My Little Men #22
So this past Sunday was my first Father's Day as an actual Dad. I guess last year I was an expecting one, so that doesn't count. I figured it would be like any other Sunday, especially given that my sons aren't old enough to talk let alone make breakfast, mow the lawn or wash the car (all things that I did for my dad growing up). I was surprised at the level of emotion I felt on the actual day and how connected to the role of Dad I had become.
The week leading up to Father's Day I was travelling to two conferences for work. Luckily, both were close enough to home that I was able to commute daily, however, on the night of the end of conference banquet, I intended on and in fact stayed over to take advantage of the festivities. Looking back on it, Adrienne and I both feel that I could have stayed the other nights as well, but at the time of booking, things were still so up in the air that we played it safe. So, getting back to my previous point...the reason this was a big deal is that it was the first time since their birth that I spent longer than 24 hours away from James and Andrew. Now as the strong masculine figure in the house I imagine that this isn't supposed to be bothersome or even all that dramatic, but for me it definitely was. For much of the day I was so busy that I didn't really notice, but as dinner drifted into evening and later, I definitely started to feel the separation and as I lay down to close my eyes, I couldn't help but feel the missed smiles as I walked through the door, the sloppy after dinner grins and the good night kisses to end my day. So anyway, there I lay, staring up at a non-descript popcorn ceiling on an uncomfortable mattress with a pillow that makes the Sunday paper seem thick, thinking about my family a few hundred kilometers away. To help me deal with my feelings I started looking through pictures on my phone...I skimmed through photos dating back to the very first moments of James' and Andrew's lives right up until a few days prior to my leaving and a smile slowly crept onto my face. I drifted off to sleep, knowing that in a few short hours (or 12 hours) I would be heading home to the two greatest gifts ever.
Which brings me to Father's Day, a few days after I returned home. The day was perfect, the boys (or Adrienne) got me some great gifts including a World's Best Dad shirt with a picture of Darth Vader on it (I am such a geek) but more importantly it was the cuddliest day we've ever spent together. We played on the floor for hours, sat out on the lawn and for the most part just spent the day, altogether as a family. I truly felt like the luckiest man alive, which made the next day (Monday) even more challenging than normal...back to work, up early and out the door before they really wake up and return home for a few hours together before bed time.
So my little men who each day get bigger and brighter, I guess the lesson I would like to pass on is this: there will be times when you feel like you aren't supposed to feel the way that you do. Sometimes, this is because you feel guilty or remorse about a strong reaction to a situation. Other times it will be because you feel social pressure not to really come to terms with the emotions that are bubbling inside of you. At these times, it is important to be true to your feelings and let them run their course. If that is sadness, don't be scared to cry a little. If it is fear, don't be afraid to seek reassurance as you try to be brave. If it is remorse or guilt, don't be afraid to admit that your wrong. The important part in all of this is that you find yourself, in the end, knowing that you have been true to your self in the most authentic way possible. Remember that generalizations and social norms exist because of how others perceive the "average" experience of fellow humans, not because it is right or because it represents who you should be. In fact, you are far from average and it is my hope that you never think that you need to hide what you are feeling because you don't think that it is what you should feel. After all, being authentic and true to your feelings is often a far braver thing to do than holding back, dulling your senses and letting others dictate how you experience life and love.
Thanks for a wonderful first Father's Day.
Love Dad
The week leading up to Father's Day I was travelling to two conferences for work. Luckily, both were close enough to home that I was able to commute daily, however, on the night of the end of conference banquet, I intended on and in fact stayed over to take advantage of the festivities. Looking back on it, Adrienne and I both feel that I could have stayed the other nights as well, but at the time of booking, things were still so up in the air that we played it safe. So, getting back to my previous point...the reason this was a big deal is that it was the first time since their birth that I spent longer than 24 hours away from James and Andrew. Now as the strong masculine figure in the house I imagine that this isn't supposed to be bothersome or even all that dramatic, but for me it definitely was. For much of the day I was so busy that I didn't really notice, but as dinner drifted into evening and later, I definitely started to feel the separation and as I lay down to close my eyes, I couldn't help but feel the missed smiles as I walked through the door, the sloppy after dinner grins and the good night kisses to end my day. So anyway, there I lay, staring up at a non-descript popcorn ceiling on an uncomfortable mattress with a pillow that makes the Sunday paper seem thick, thinking about my family a few hundred kilometers away. To help me deal with my feelings I started looking through pictures on my phone...I skimmed through photos dating back to the very first moments of James' and Andrew's lives right up until a few days prior to my leaving and a smile slowly crept onto my face. I drifted off to sleep, knowing that in a few short hours (or 12 hours) I would be heading home to the two greatest gifts ever.
Which brings me to Father's Day, a few days after I returned home. The day was perfect, the boys (or Adrienne) got me some great gifts including a World's Best Dad shirt with a picture of Darth Vader on it (I am such a geek) but more importantly it was the cuddliest day we've ever spent together. We played on the floor for hours, sat out on the lawn and for the most part just spent the day, altogether as a family. I truly felt like the luckiest man alive, which made the next day (Monday) even more challenging than normal...back to work, up early and out the door before they really wake up and return home for a few hours together before bed time.
So my little men who each day get bigger and brighter, I guess the lesson I would like to pass on is this: there will be times when you feel like you aren't supposed to feel the way that you do. Sometimes, this is because you feel guilty or remorse about a strong reaction to a situation. Other times it will be because you feel social pressure not to really come to terms with the emotions that are bubbling inside of you. At these times, it is important to be true to your feelings and let them run their course. If that is sadness, don't be scared to cry a little. If it is fear, don't be afraid to seek reassurance as you try to be brave. If it is remorse or guilt, don't be afraid to admit that your wrong. The important part in all of this is that you find yourself, in the end, knowing that you have been true to your self in the most authentic way possible. Remember that generalizations and social norms exist because of how others perceive the "average" experience of fellow humans, not because it is right or because it represents who you should be. In fact, you are far from average and it is my hope that you never think that you need to hide what you are feeling because you don't think that it is what you should feel. After all, being authentic and true to your feelings is often a far braver thing to do than holding back, dulling your senses and letting others dictate how you experience life and love.
Thanks for a wonderful first Father's Day.
Love Dad
Monday, June 4, 2012
Life Lessons for My Little Men #21
It has been nine months since James and Andrew entered our world and, as I am sure all parents can attest to, time is flying by. It seems like only yesterday that I was leaving work and heading downtown to see my tiny little men in the NICU at Sunnybrook. As a new dad, what I have found is that often major milestones are happening during the day (when Andrew and James are the most alert and energized) and so routinely I have missed out on the first <fill in the blank here>. What this has also led to in an unnerving feeling that I am not connecting with my sons the way that I would like to. Ultimately, the challenge is that somebody has to work in order to pay the <fill in the blank here> and ensure that our family is currently safe and comfortable and that we have as many opportunities as possible in the future.
I put this out there as a revolutionary idea, but something to consider (not that I have done any of the economics behind it as I will leave the to those who may critique it and have a better understanding of those things. What if, instead of working right now, I could trade this time for time later in life. For example, like taking 5 years of pension and RRSP savings up front and then working an additional 5 years later to pay back the system...wouldn't this be an idea (especially given the fact that most people in our generation do not anticipate full retirement until late 60s early 70s)?!?! It certainly would be a bargain I would be willing to make! Anyhow, I digress from my initial intent of this post. The point of my post is that missing these things has left a mark on my own comprehension of my abilities as a father and in some ways challenges how I react when parenting, possibly overcompensating for some slight twinge that I feel in my soul every time I walk out the door in the morning or get a glowing text about what amazing thing has happened in my absence.
I have heard about mother's guilt, and again, I don't presume to suppose that what I am discussing is in anyway equivalent, but I am simply saying it exists. Recently, this guilt reared its head during play time. Adrienne was out running errands and so I was entertaining both James and Andrew on the family room floor. We were carrying on quite well, giggling and smiling, the boys doing their best to share toys while dad did his best to share his attention. Then things turned. I got up to stretch my legs (apparently the ability to sit cross legged is something that you lose sometime after high school) and bonk, down went James. Now the logical me says, that was one of many bumps, bruises and bonks that there will be in his life, but as the tears welled up into his eyes, so to did that feeling of guilt. If I only get to spend x hours with my sons I don't want them to be painful hours...how could I let this happen...he is so upset, and as I comforted him and wiped the tears from his eyes, I couldn't help feeling that I had let him down. Again, the logical me knows this won't be the only time that I feel this way, but the first time it happens I can honestly say is heartbreaking. Now when Adrienne came home and I had a chance to share my story I quickly came to realize that this wasn't his first tumble, and that in fact, my wife was dealing with her own emotions around guilt and letting them down on a far more frequent basis. At the time, this was a small consolation for my bruised psyche or James' equally bruised noggin.
So my little men, I guess the lesson to be learned is this: no matter how hard you try to be there, you won't always be able to catch someone you care about before they fall. In reflecting on this situation, I can now see that at least I was there to comfort and hold you when I wasn't able to prevent something bad from happening. In fact, at certain points in your life, this will be a far more valuable point of intervention and support than preventing the fall in the first place. Some people believe that life is a collection of moments, but I would argue that it goes beyond a collection as each of these moments is interwoven in a way that when perceived from afar or in retrospect make it challenging to discern the individual moments from the grand mosaic of the whole experience. So, while I endeavour to be there for you during all of your moments, reality is that there will be times when I can't be and that perhaps, rather than dwell on that and lose sight of the greater purpose, it is more important to focus on all of the moments that we co-create and how they contribute to our bigger picture.
Love, Dad
I put this out there as a revolutionary idea, but something to consider (not that I have done any of the economics behind it as I will leave the to those who may critique it and have a better understanding of those things. What if, instead of working right now, I could trade this time for time later in life. For example, like taking 5 years of pension and RRSP savings up front and then working an additional 5 years later to pay back the system...wouldn't this be an idea (especially given the fact that most people in our generation do not anticipate full retirement until late 60s early 70s)?!?! It certainly would be a bargain I would be willing to make! Anyhow, I digress from my initial intent of this post. The point of my post is that missing these things has left a mark on my own comprehension of my abilities as a father and in some ways challenges how I react when parenting, possibly overcompensating for some slight twinge that I feel in my soul every time I walk out the door in the morning or get a glowing text about what amazing thing has happened in my absence.
I have heard about mother's guilt, and again, I don't presume to suppose that what I am discussing is in anyway equivalent, but I am simply saying it exists. Recently, this guilt reared its head during play time. Adrienne was out running errands and so I was entertaining both James and Andrew on the family room floor. We were carrying on quite well, giggling and smiling, the boys doing their best to share toys while dad did his best to share his attention. Then things turned. I got up to stretch my legs (apparently the ability to sit cross legged is something that you lose sometime after high school) and bonk, down went James. Now the logical me says, that was one of many bumps, bruises and bonks that there will be in his life, but as the tears welled up into his eyes, so to did that feeling of guilt. If I only get to spend x hours with my sons I don't want them to be painful hours...how could I let this happen...he is so upset, and as I comforted him and wiped the tears from his eyes, I couldn't help feeling that I had let him down. Again, the logical me knows this won't be the only time that I feel this way, but the first time it happens I can honestly say is heartbreaking. Now when Adrienne came home and I had a chance to share my story I quickly came to realize that this wasn't his first tumble, and that in fact, my wife was dealing with her own emotions around guilt and letting them down on a far more frequent basis. At the time, this was a small consolation for my bruised psyche or James' equally bruised noggin.
So my little men, I guess the lesson to be learned is this: no matter how hard you try to be there, you won't always be able to catch someone you care about before they fall. In reflecting on this situation, I can now see that at least I was there to comfort and hold you when I wasn't able to prevent something bad from happening. In fact, at certain points in your life, this will be a far more valuable point of intervention and support than preventing the fall in the first place. Some people believe that life is a collection of moments, but I would argue that it goes beyond a collection as each of these moments is interwoven in a way that when perceived from afar or in retrospect make it challenging to discern the individual moments from the grand mosaic of the whole experience. So, while I endeavour to be there for you during all of your moments, reality is that there will be times when I can't be and that perhaps, rather than dwell on that and lose sight of the greater purpose, it is more important to focus on all of the moments that we co-create and how they contribute to our bigger picture.
Love, Dad
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Life Lesson for My Little Men #20
So things have started happening quite quickly. We have almost hit the 9 month mark and both James and Andrew are on their way to their first tooth. I discovered how far along by having my finger pulled into an open mouth and run over the razor that is in James' lower lip. They have also both started reaching and scooching along the floor for things. Things include: Toys, remotes, cell phones, books, CDs, the dog, the cat, the pillow, or anything else new to their environment that garners attention. The scooching and is usually accompanied by excited squealing and yelling and a great deal of arm flailing which is fine for the inanimate objects but can be quite off putting to the cat...I have warned him already that it will get more interesting quite soon, but given he has a reasonably poor memory, he is after all a cat, he will probably forget. Another recent development is the babble, Andrew has taken to talking quite extensively about a variety of topics which are near and dear to him. He shares this with his brother or any one else in ear shot and gets very excited if he is asked questions.
To say that things have gotten busy, is a bit of an understatement. I think that Adrienne and I are starting to grasp how much work our two little men are going to be...especially because there are two. As I have written earlier, they are two very different people with two very different personalities and also two different timelines in terms of their development. It is interesting in talking to other parents because we (as a society) have been conditioned to put a timeline on everything, so inevitably the conversation turns to how old and then an assumption about milestones reached. Often this is done out of curiosity, which I would definitely encourage. Other times questions are asked in an almost competitive spirit. You certainly are left with a hint of "my child was sleeping through the night at 1 week, walking at 6 months, talking at 7 months, toilet trained at 8 months and working a full time job while working on their first novel by the age of 2". Does this bother me, maybe a little, certainly in the beginning it was challenging to deal with, however, I think we have come to learn that placing expectations around James and Andrew's development is a bit like trying to learn ventriloquism, it looks simple enough but after endless hours of not getting it quite right your left wondering what's the point and then low and behold nobody cares about it anymore anyway...and all that you've got to show for your efforts are sore lips and a puppet who can't speak while you're drinking (ok, maybe not the last part). So in the end, is it really all that important, the answer is no...not really. And does it bother me when people ask, no...not really, because I know that they will get there and truthfully, they can take all the time the want doing it...
So my little men who are filling our lives with everyday surprises and countless smiles, I guess the lesson I have learned is this. Society has taught us that in order to be successful we need to compare and keep score with those around us. We have learned that faster is better and have allowed the benchmarking tactics of our work lives to infiltrate what should be the most natural and sacred process of them all. We have been encouraged to push because today is better than tomorrow and definitely better than next week. In doing so, we have ignored the basic rhythm of nature and forgotten that life happens in a continuum not a 24 hour clock. I know that your mother and I want you to do great things and are prepared to support you in everything you do on your journey to that place, but I think we have also come to realize that it is your journey and you will get there, well, when you get there. Some people are fast, others are slower (take it from me, I have never been described as fast), what matters in the end is that you get to where you want to be and you arrive at that point, when you are ready. After all, why would I want to rush you when I already feel like you are growing up too fast.
Love always,
Dad
To say that things have gotten busy, is a bit of an understatement. I think that Adrienne and I are starting to grasp how much work our two little men are going to be...especially because there are two. As I have written earlier, they are two very different people with two very different personalities and also two different timelines in terms of their development. It is interesting in talking to other parents because we (as a society) have been conditioned to put a timeline on everything, so inevitably the conversation turns to how old and then an assumption about milestones reached. Often this is done out of curiosity, which I would definitely encourage. Other times questions are asked in an almost competitive spirit. You certainly are left with a hint of "my child was sleeping through the night at 1 week, walking at 6 months, talking at 7 months, toilet trained at 8 months and working a full time job while working on their first novel by the age of 2". Does this bother me, maybe a little, certainly in the beginning it was challenging to deal with, however, I think we have come to learn that placing expectations around James and Andrew's development is a bit like trying to learn ventriloquism, it looks simple enough but after endless hours of not getting it quite right your left wondering what's the point and then low and behold nobody cares about it anymore anyway...and all that you've got to show for your efforts are sore lips and a puppet who can't speak while you're drinking (ok, maybe not the last part). So in the end, is it really all that important, the answer is no...not really. And does it bother me when people ask, no...not really, because I know that they will get there and truthfully, they can take all the time the want doing it...
So my little men who are filling our lives with everyday surprises and countless smiles, I guess the lesson I have learned is this. Society has taught us that in order to be successful we need to compare and keep score with those around us. We have learned that faster is better and have allowed the benchmarking tactics of our work lives to infiltrate what should be the most natural and sacred process of them all. We have been encouraged to push because today is better than tomorrow and definitely better than next week. In doing so, we have ignored the basic rhythm of nature and forgotten that life happens in a continuum not a 24 hour clock. I know that your mother and I want you to do great things and are prepared to support you in everything you do on your journey to that place, but I think we have also come to realize that it is your journey and you will get there, well, when you get there. Some people are fast, others are slower (take it from me, I have never been described as fast), what matters in the end is that you get to where you want to be and you arrive at that point, when you are ready. After all, why would I want to rush you when I already feel like you are growing up too fast.
Love always,
Dad
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Life Lesson For My Little Men #19
So as I sit here eating yesterday's leftover chinese for lunch, I am feeling inspired to write a blog about the one of the most experiences in fatherhood which is witnessing the transformation of your partner into a mother. Now some folks are probably thinking that I am writing this, on the day after mother's day, as a way of making up for something I forgot to do yesterday. Nothing could be further from the truth, in fact, yesterday was on my accounts a pretty good first mother's day for James and Andrew and more importantly Adrienne. If she doesn't agree with me she will have to post a comment or forever hold her peace. No, what is inspiring me is seeing first hand how well Adrienne has taken to being a fantastic mother to both of our sons.
When you find out that you are going to be parents you are flooded with emotions. As a father to be, it can be tough to fully understand or perceive all that you are experiencing. In many ways, the best thing that you can do to connect to your future paternal development is to connect with your partner. By asking questions, listening to responses (an important part of communication we often forget) and observing all of the changes that are happening to your other half, you can find a way to connect on a deeper level with the entire experience. Once the babies (y) are born, however, it is hard to find a moment to truly take in all of the things that you and your partner are experiencing. You are often tugged in one direction or the other and when there are two your attention is always divided. So, it can be challenging to find enough time to stop and think about how much things have changed.
Truthfully, I don't know how much motherhood has changed my wife. Adrienne has always been caring, apt to put others first and willing to lend a hand or a smile to a friend in need. In actuality, motherhood has merely enhanced these fantastic qualities while bringing to the fore front others. Adrienne is incredibly nurturing. She painstakingly makes all of the boys food and is always there with a cuddle when that's what is needed. She has also developed her comedic abilities often putting aside all seriousness to make cow noises, tickle fights or attempts to talk in a scottish accent in an effort to draw a few laughs. Each day the boys enjoy a regiment of naked time where Mom stands by to ensure that they are spending the appropriate time on their tummies and backs ensuring that they are developing all of the muscles to be strong young lads. All of this is to say that Adrienne has taken to motherhood so very well. My pride in her is only outdone by my pride in the two little fellas that she is doing so well at raising.
So my little, lucky to have such a fantastic mom, men a good life lesson is to love your mother with all of your heart. As time marches on, this will take different forms (if you are still sleeping in our bed at the age of 14, that might be a bit weird), and their may come a point in time when you don't express it enough but it's important that you believe it and know that it's true. As you grow, I am sure you will learn to understand how much she cares for you and maybe you will get just how much effort she has put into making your every minute on this earth the best that it can be. I hope you do. Moms are special people. They are in many ways the engine that drives the family forward but they are also often the glue that keeps it together. Your mom is certainly well on her way to both of these things right now and I am certain that when you are old enough to read this, you will be able to see the many ways she is doing this. Love her, cherish your moments with her and never leave something unsaid today that you would say tomorrow.
Love, Dad
When you find out that you are going to be parents you are flooded with emotions. As a father to be, it can be tough to fully understand or perceive all that you are experiencing. In many ways, the best thing that you can do to connect to your future paternal development is to connect with your partner. By asking questions, listening to responses (an important part of communication we often forget) and observing all of the changes that are happening to your other half, you can find a way to connect on a deeper level with the entire experience. Once the babies (y) are born, however, it is hard to find a moment to truly take in all of the things that you and your partner are experiencing. You are often tugged in one direction or the other and when there are two your attention is always divided. So, it can be challenging to find enough time to stop and think about how much things have changed.
Truthfully, I don't know how much motherhood has changed my wife. Adrienne has always been caring, apt to put others first and willing to lend a hand or a smile to a friend in need. In actuality, motherhood has merely enhanced these fantastic qualities while bringing to the fore front others. Adrienne is incredibly nurturing. She painstakingly makes all of the boys food and is always there with a cuddle when that's what is needed. She has also developed her comedic abilities often putting aside all seriousness to make cow noises, tickle fights or attempts to talk in a scottish accent in an effort to draw a few laughs. Each day the boys enjoy a regiment of naked time where Mom stands by to ensure that they are spending the appropriate time on their tummies and backs ensuring that they are developing all of the muscles to be strong young lads. All of this is to say that Adrienne has taken to motherhood so very well. My pride in her is only outdone by my pride in the two little fellas that she is doing so well at raising.
So my little, lucky to have such a fantastic mom, men a good life lesson is to love your mother with all of your heart. As time marches on, this will take different forms (if you are still sleeping in our bed at the age of 14, that might be a bit weird), and their may come a point in time when you don't express it enough but it's important that you believe it and know that it's true. As you grow, I am sure you will learn to understand how much she cares for you and maybe you will get just how much effort she has put into making your every minute on this earth the best that it can be. I hope you do. Moms are special people. They are in many ways the engine that drives the family forward but they are also often the glue that keeps it together. Your mom is certainly well on her way to both of these things right now and I am certain that when you are old enough to read this, you will be able to see the many ways she is doing this. Love her, cherish your moments with her and never leave something unsaid today that you would say tomorrow.
Love, Dad
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Life Lesson for My Little Men #18
Now I am sure that I am not the best person to write this blog. The best person would be the person that spends the most time with my two young sons, their mother. However, because blogging is my thing and not hers, you will have to make due with my best offering. What is interesting about our sons is that from very early on, they have been incredibly similar and yet different. They were born only a few minutes apart and at birth their was little difference in their physical traits. They have carried this starting point through the early part of their lives often having less than an ounce or two between them in weight and virtually identical heights. Equally interesting though is how different they are and how early these differences have become noticeable.
To the naked and untrained eye, meaning most strangers, they look identical, but we can tell the difference. Andrew has been lucky enough to inherit his father's awfully large and round head where as James has been blessed by his mothers, longer and thinner face. In terms of personality they are incredibly different. James is the local goof ball often sharing in a quick laugh and voicing his opinion with a shrill squeal that would put most birds of prey to shame. We often exclaim that he has velociraptor in his DNA. Another interesting fact is that James is generally a happy baby but when he goes off, does he ever go off and is harder to bring back than Bonnie from over the ocean or the sea (or however that song goes). He will sob through many of the normal comforts and often can't be consoled with the exception of a well timed gag to get him laughing or some needed mom time.
Andrew on the other hand, tends to be more even keel. He is quieter, is slower to laugh but also slower to cry. His disposition is often harder to crack in terms of a laugh but again, when you get him going her will let out a honk that will warm your heart and hurt your cheeks. He will continue to honk like a goose at the slightest inkling of a repeat performance or continuation of the gag. He is also the more impatient of the two as he voices his displeasure quickly if he feels that he has sat two long between spoonfuls.
What is consistent about the two of them is that they are inconsistent. I write this blog fully knowing that in two or three weeks, this description will seem completely inaccurate, but I thought it important to note how incredibly different they are. The squealer and the honker as we will call them never cease to amaze us. What one likes for food the other will tolerate (usually with a horrified look on his face). The squealer is a late riser, while the honker is up most days shortly after his dad. The squealer is quick to get into everything and anything within reach where as the honker seems to be much more deliberate about his ventures. The squealer is not so good with the whole under water thing, where as the honker's calm demeanor pays huge dividends in his training to be the next Michael Phelps.
All this, as mentioned above, will probably change next week, so we can never put much stock in things staying the same for long with the exception of: they both love their dog and cat (look out Arthur when they start crawling it is on), they both get really excited about bath time, they both have a smile that lights up the darkest room, they both adore their mom (and can you blame them), in fact this list could go on for quite some time...I guess in the end they are more similar than I thought, but I won't be fooled into treating them the same. Perhaps one of the most evident challenges in raising twins is the insistance of others that they are the same. This can be done overtly or subtly. The use of words like they, the boys, the twins, etc. provide a challenge for others but also us as parents. For example the question "how are they sleeping," assumes that they must share the same internal clock and pattern...I'll destroy this myth...they don't. Whenever possible, we try and refer to them by their names rather than as a collective. Believe me though, this is hard even for us as parents, and I certainly am not offended when others use those words to ask a question out of curiosity or care for James or Andrew. I only raise it as something to be mindful of, as I think it represents something that we often do in an increasingly complex world, seeking simplicity by assuming sameness.
So my little men, as you begin to explore the world around you I hope you can find ways to appreciate all of the difference and diversity that this world has to offer. It's true that you will find similarities and familiarities in people that you meet throughout your journey but it is incredibly important that you remember that for all of the similarities that we celebrate we often forget to celebrate our difference. This difference can be expressed in many ways and has often been portrayed as something to be wary of or even fear, despite the truth that it is what makes the mosaic that is life more beautiful. Ask questions, hold back assumptions and seek to understand and enjoy what makes you unique from your brother, your parents, your neighbour, your friend or a person you have never met whether across a crowded restaurant or on the other side of the world. This understanding will help you build incredible relationships, a colourful and complete life and leave a legacy of acceptance and encouragement for those around you.
Love,
Dad
To the naked and untrained eye, meaning most strangers, they look identical, but we can tell the difference. Andrew has been lucky enough to inherit his father's awfully large and round head where as James has been blessed by his mothers, longer and thinner face. In terms of personality they are incredibly different. James is the local goof ball often sharing in a quick laugh and voicing his opinion with a shrill squeal that would put most birds of prey to shame. We often exclaim that he has velociraptor in his DNA. Another interesting fact is that James is generally a happy baby but when he goes off, does he ever go off and is harder to bring back than Bonnie from over the ocean or the sea (or however that song goes). He will sob through many of the normal comforts and often can't be consoled with the exception of a well timed gag to get him laughing or some needed mom time.
Andrew on the other hand, tends to be more even keel. He is quieter, is slower to laugh but also slower to cry. His disposition is often harder to crack in terms of a laugh but again, when you get him going her will let out a honk that will warm your heart and hurt your cheeks. He will continue to honk like a goose at the slightest inkling of a repeat performance or continuation of the gag. He is also the more impatient of the two as he voices his displeasure quickly if he feels that he has sat two long between spoonfuls.
What is consistent about the two of them is that they are inconsistent. I write this blog fully knowing that in two or three weeks, this description will seem completely inaccurate, but I thought it important to note how incredibly different they are. The squealer and the honker as we will call them never cease to amaze us. What one likes for food the other will tolerate (usually with a horrified look on his face). The squealer is a late riser, while the honker is up most days shortly after his dad. The squealer is quick to get into everything and anything within reach where as the honker seems to be much more deliberate about his ventures. The squealer is not so good with the whole under water thing, where as the honker's calm demeanor pays huge dividends in his training to be the next Michael Phelps.
All this, as mentioned above, will probably change next week, so we can never put much stock in things staying the same for long with the exception of: they both love their dog and cat (look out Arthur when they start crawling it is on), they both get really excited about bath time, they both have a smile that lights up the darkest room, they both adore their mom (and can you blame them), in fact this list could go on for quite some time...I guess in the end they are more similar than I thought, but I won't be fooled into treating them the same. Perhaps one of the most evident challenges in raising twins is the insistance of others that they are the same. This can be done overtly or subtly. The use of words like they, the boys, the twins, etc. provide a challenge for others but also us as parents. For example the question "how are they sleeping," assumes that they must share the same internal clock and pattern...I'll destroy this myth...they don't. Whenever possible, we try and refer to them by their names rather than as a collective. Believe me though, this is hard even for us as parents, and I certainly am not offended when others use those words to ask a question out of curiosity or care for James or Andrew. I only raise it as something to be mindful of, as I think it represents something that we often do in an increasingly complex world, seeking simplicity by assuming sameness.
So my little men, as you begin to explore the world around you I hope you can find ways to appreciate all of the difference and diversity that this world has to offer. It's true that you will find similarities and familiarities in people that you meet throughout your journey but it is incredibly important that you remember that for all of the similarities that we celebrate we often forget to celebrate our difference. This difference can be expressed in many ways and has often been portrayed as something to be wary of or even fear, despite the truth that it is what makes the mosaic that is life more beautiful. Ask questions, hold back assumptions and seek to understand and enjoy what makes you unique from your brother, your parents, your neighbour, your friend or a person you have never met whether across a crowded restaurant or on the other side of the world. This understanding will help you build incredible relationships, a colourful and complete life and leave a legacy of acceptance and encouragement for those around you.
Love,
Dad
Monday, April 23, 2012
Life Lesson for My Little Men #17
Many new parents have challenges getting their baby to sleep. When you have two little wonders, these challenges are magnified ( I would say doubled, but I don't think that this accurately reflects just how overwhelming it can feel) and you often are left seeking answers. Now, unless you have a solid support network of people who have been through it, you may find that you feel quite alone. The internet and books can be helpful, and certainly, after giving birth to our two young fellows, we have met and been reunited with many friends who are in the same situation. However, at the end of the day (literally) you are in it yourself and we certainly struggled.
About a month ago, maybe more now, it's hard to remember, we set about trying to build a stronger routine for our boys, specifically around bedtime. We set out starting to adjust bedtime earlier and earlier in the evening often preceded by a bath and some reading (sometimes Winnie the Pooh, Dr. Seuss or Robert Munsch, but often something a little shorter). As we crept closer to a more reasonable time for all of us to hit the hay, the boys mounted a rebellion of mythical proportions. One day it just seemed like they had a closed door meeting, decided that this new plan was devious and not something that would be tolerated and so they would put a stop to it. Their protests mounted, often involving tears, sometimes smiles but the results were always the same, two very tired parents and two unhappy and overtired little men.
Each baby is different, and when you have twins, you will realize that each of them is different too. This becomes incredibly evident when it becomes times for bed. One of our boys loves story time with Dad, he would spend the entire time sitting and staring at me as I read through a book, complete with voices. The other, would much rather be coddled and held by mom and while he tolerates story time, it really isn't his thing. One thing that we found as time marched on is that our two boys did much better while in bed with us than in their crib. And there came a time when we looked at each other and said, is this really worth it, and the answer was no. So for the last few months we have been sharing a bed with our two sprawling little men and things have been great. It certainly helps that neither of us is a restless sleeper and nothing is truly as rewarding as falling asleep with your little boy cuddled up next to you.
Now I know what you are thinking (or maybe not)...Isn't co-sleeping frowned upon, and the answer is yes...but we have decided to ignore the "surgeon general type" warnings and put our own sanity and the happiness of our little men first. And since making this decision, I must say we are all sleeping a little better and being a little happier, not to mention the fact that there is something amazing about waking up with your child right next to you. For a while, we didn't really talk about this with other people, and even once we did, it was with an essence of guilt. I would say, even now we aren't overly comfortable just blurting this out...although, once this blog is published, I guess that's out the window. All this is to say that it was important for us to make a decision that was right for us and each family should feel that they have the same right to do so.
So my little cover stealing boys, now that you are sharing the bed with us I think there are a few important life lessons you can learn. Number 1, if you are going to let one go...which you will...it is important that you attempt to create an opening to vent , otherwise you may trap something under the covers that will confuse and disgust your bed mate...This is an even more important life lesson as you get older...Number 2, remember that life is about making good choices for you and your family. Sometimes this will buck the trends or even go against something that is recommended, the important thing is that you take the time to make a rational decision that is in your (and in this case it's the royal your) best interests. Life is complicated and often the so-called experts write and comment based on generalities, this is helpful in informing our opinion but is not the be all and end all. I am glad we didn't listen, as not only are we all more rested but I am pretty sure that this stage of your life will be relatively short (in the sense that pretty soon you won't want me in your room let alone cuddling you to sleep) and it has been nice to hold and comfort you to sleep.
Love,
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